Archive | May, 2011

the grind

30 May

if you’re dancefloor bound tonight, don’t grind on a guy all night long and hold his hand and smack him on the arse and then get all offended when he smacks you on the arse. that’s what’s going to happen every time.

crazy bitch tip: don’t blame the guys who use you for sex after you spend all night using them for attention.

not good

19 May

being a crazy bitch is never a good thing. it is not something to be proud of. it is not something to advertise in pink lettering across the rear windshield of your ‘bitch-mobile’.

being a crazy bitch is not something to use as your user-name, or put on your shirt, or laugh about with your friends.


18 May

this whole thing between men and women and the effort, games and bullshit that go into it, it’s stupid. it doesn’t have to be and i have proof! i set up a date with an interesting woman who’s company i enjoy. no slew of messages were exchanged to confirm the date, and yet she actually showed up and was even there on time. an easy start turned into a really good night out.

this shouldn’t be extraordinary. but it is.

crazy bitch tip: act this way. it really is that easy.

see you there

17 May

when i arrange something with a guy and he says: “yep, i’ll see you there.” 99% of the time, that’s exactly what he means. this does not translate the same in the dialect of crazy bitch, however. in fact, it could mean just about anything. here are a few translations i’ve encountered:

  • she’ll get there an hour late and not be at all bothered that someone was waiting for her
  • she’ll be there an hour early and be angry i left her waiting
  • she had no intention of coming and i’m a weirdo for asking what happened to her
  • she sort of wants to come but will require 20 text messages to actually get her there
  • she’ll be there, with a bunch of uninvited friends
  • she’ll be there, or thereabouts. you know, in that city, maybe
  • she wants to attend but is too nervous and will cancel last minute
  • she will actually be there (so rare it’s an exception)

see the lessons for more information on making plans and, if you mean any but the last item on the list when you say “i’ll see you there”, please see the rule.

the truth deception

16 May

when i was 18, my boss was a quirky young woman of about 24. we worked together many hours a day and got along well. one unasuming day however, my boss asked me: “do i annoy you?”

i enjoyed my boss’ company but occasionaly i did find her annoying. nothing major but enough that i knew my honest answer was a “yes”. the completely unpredictable nature of many women hand’t been drilled into me at this point but i was well aware this was a question to answer nicely, not honestly. “no, of course not”, was my response. but my boss was insistent, “come on, tell me the truth, you find me annoying don’t you?”

asking me the same question repeatedly happened to be one of her little quirks that did, in fact, annoy me. so there i was, an unavoidably straight-to-the point young man entrapped by the words “tell me the truth” and an honest answer waiting to escape. my slippery, juvenile grasp of the softer gender’s take on honesty failed to hold me back. i said, simply: “sometimes”.

her cheeky smirk deformed into enraged devastation. “how could you say that!? how could you say something so mean to me!? i can’t BELIEVE you’d say that to me?! i’m your boss!!” you’d have thought i told her she looks like a smashed crab and probably has them too. i apologized but to no avail.

i remember not being surprised. i remember knowing i’d been caught by the truth deception.

crazy bitch tip: if you don’t want the truth, don’t ask for it. some of us are dumb enough to provide it.

crazy in the street

15 May

while walking from one place to the next the other night, a friend and i happened upon two young ladies. one was drunkenly crying in a heap, the other began yelling at us. this scene is unfortunately not unique in the mystical land of northbridge. what was especially strange however, was that the very vocal girl was actually hitting on us, albeit in an unconventional manner. after we cautiously moved away we noticed that the louder girl was now climbing on and punching another, more forgiving young man. as we walked off we couldn’t tell if she was biting his face or kissing him and pondered if that man would survive the night.

crazy bitch tip: letting a guy know you’re interested can be achieved more effectively without yelling at him.

might not

14 May

don’t play the “i might not” game. that’s where you’ve got plans with a guy and just before you’re supposed to meet, you send through a message saying you might not make it.

it’s not because you don’t want to (you always end up going anyway) but for some reason we go through a little back and forth anyway about why you should attend.


13 May

we all know you enjoy getting a few drinks in and screaming uncontrollably at the one guy concerned enough to try and stop you walking into traffic but that does tend to up your crazy ranking.

crazy bitch tip: if you know you get hyper emotional when you drink, maybe you shouldn’t drink. or at least don’t do it around guys you like.


12 May

how not to be a crazy bitch tip: don’t go nuts and freestyle rap death threats at old ladies on the train.

if this is not you, there’s hope.

stop it

11 May

In today’s class you’ll be learning about:

  • How to text a guy back when he asks you a question.
  • How to convey your feelings to a guy without immediately contradicting it with your batshit erratic behaviour afterwards.
  • How to not ricochet bizarrely from neediness to cold indifference at the drop of a hat.
  • What an “asshole” is and why you probably shouldn’t love them exclusively.
  • What a “daddy complex” is and why it’s likely you probably have one.

lesson 1 – reply

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