Archive | June, 2011

quit the calculating

29 Jun

alright ya damned crazy bitches, here’s something that always pisses me off: the calculated response time. first of all, we know what you’re doing and secondly, it’s straight up retarded.

ok, obviously don’t respond to the first ever contact in .5 of a second but after that it’s alright to act like a normal person (even if you’re not) and reply as quickly as you would for anyone else. playing coy and hard to get and whatever else is fine but when we’ve seen you naked, it’s past that point.

crazy bitch tip: same goes for anything else where you have to calculate your approach. if you have to plan how you’re going to play your interaction with someone, it’s no longer an interaction, it’s you acting like a crazy bitch.


24 Jun

when it comes to conversation or communication, do your best to avoid flying off in random, unexpected directions. for example, during a casual sms conversation about your evening’s activities, the following statement would seem out of place:

“everyone i date arsedhold. i swaw this tall blonde ev stare at her. no one stare at me im 5 . 3. i kill them”

to be fair, i don’t know what conversation that statement would fit into but you get what i mean.

crazy bitch tip: avoid mentioning that you want to murder people who don’t look at you.


21 Jun

don’t talk to politicians online. especially if their last name is weiner, it’s just not going to end well for anyone.

crazy ping pong

16 Jun

the crazier you act, the crazier it makes people around you while they try to make sense of it. then you act crazy back at their crazy and it ends up like a person to person israel/palestine situation and just like that it won’t end without some sort of massive blowout.

crazy bitch tip: if you chill, everyone else will too

a few nots

14 Jun

do not shave your head

do not give your 8 year old botox

do not tell your slow developing daughter she needs breast implants

do not feed your chimp antidepresents and/or treat it like your child

do not tell a guy you’ll kill him, especially on the first date

do not shave anyone elses head without their permission

do not let your armpit hair grow and expect to be considered attractive

do not leave your house without any money

do not wear clothes that reveal the things men are built to want to look at and expect men not to look


11 Jun

you know when you’re uncomfortable about something, for example when you’re in bed and you realise things are moving too fast for you? don’t just roll over and go silent. we don’t know what the hell that means. that’s why we ask you “what’s wrong?” we’re not trying to hassle you, we just want to know what just happened. usually this results in playing the ‘coax it out of you game’ for about twenty minutes until you finally reveal the issue, which typically turns out not to be a big deal in the first place.

skip that silence, save us both twenty minutes of getting it out of you and just say what’s going on when you realise it.

crazy bitch tip: you don’t get to complain about guys not communicating if you’re the one pulling out the silent treatment

ease up on the cat love

10 Jun

it’s ok to love cats but there’s a level of catloving that screams to the world that you’re a crazy bitch.

and it’s way below that.

crazy bitch tip: love one cat, not all of them.


4 Jun

when you want to talk to a guy, there’s no need to try to bait him into talking to you. you don’t need talk loudly to the person beside him, drop something for him to pick up, spill something on him, or put up a post on facebook about something he’s interested in.

they aren’t fictional examples, i’ve experienced each of them and others, even more perplexingly obtuse. we see you do it, we wonder what the hell you’re doing and why the hell you you’re doing it because we’re more familiar with the old classic, “hi” which seems to work most of the time for us.

crazy bitch tip: there’s an easier way

why not?

2 Jun

why you shouldn’t be a crazy bitch…

all the bat-shit-crazy, completely unexplainable things that crazy bitches get up to, tends to leave the people around them with no understanding of what the hell these women actually want or mean and, even though these people probably want to do the right thing by them, they have no idea how.

the crazier you act, the crazier it makes everyone else and the world goes down a rabbit hole of lunacy begetting lunacy. let’s not do that.

crazy bitch tip: the crazier you act, the crazier it makes everyone else. careful with your crazy karma

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