Archive | July, 2011

nike style

30 Jul

a friend of mine gave her number to a guy she wasn’t interested in because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, then she replied to his texts out of courtesy. now she’s agreed to go on a date she doesn’t want to go on with the guy because she doesn’t want to make him feel bad by saying no. that’s some crazy bitch behaviour right there. the guy would probably have only copped a frown for a second if she’d said no in the first place but now he’s been lead on it actually will hurt his feelings when she figures out some ridiculously confusing method of not seeing him again.

“just do it”. it’s a memorable phrase for a reason. stop avoiding things that make you uncomfortable or worrying about hurting someone’s feelings, do what you know you should do and save everyone the hassle. nike style it up, woman.


20 Jul

one of the clearest indicators that you are a crazy bitch, is that you know you’re acting like a crazy bitch but you continue to anyway. if you are conscious of what you’re doing, and what you’re doing is crazy, then (i hear a broken record here) stop it.

don’t ask

13 Jul

do not ask questions and expect to get the answers you want. firstly, if you already know the answer, why the hell are you asking? secondly, ask what you actually want to ask.

a girl asked me today, “am i someone you’d be interested in?” turns out she meant “will you give me compliments and reassure me?” so my answer, “i’m not sure yet, i don’t know you that well” was a verbal attack on her soul.

ffs ladies. cut that crazy shit out.

say what you mean

10 Jul

alright crazy girls, this one should be straight forward. just say what you mean. don’t say something that hints in the direction of what you mean, or something that has a cryptic way of getting us to what you actually mean, or the opposite of what you mean, or something that has no relation at all to what you mean, or something that misleads away from what you mean, just say what you mean. please? pretty please?

the ball

6 Jul

good day to those of you attempting to reduce your crazy quotient. the mere fact that you’re here is encouraging and we welcome you with open arms and cautious trepidation.

today, i’m going to bring attention to “the ball”. the ball is a method used by your typical crazy bitch to ‘deal’ with an uncomfortable situation.

what happens: said crazy bitch finds something not to her satisfaction and this triggers one, or several, emotions including but not limited to, embarrassment, frustration, jealousy, shame, sadness, fear and anger.

her method for resolving this situation is to literally curl up into a ball and attempt to ignore the situation until it has passed. the ball is often accompanied by crying. initial attempts to determine the cause of this behaviour are typically met with phrases like “i’m fine” and “it’s nothing”, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to get anything out of the ballee at all.

on average it will take about half an hour of soft, kind words until you finally hear the utterance of a clue that will, with a bit of lateral thinking, help determine the root cause of the ball.

causes i’ve personally experienced include:

  • anger that i took too long to get to bed (never mind that i was out back fixing her car)
  • jealousy of the amount of time the dog gets (feeding a pet is somewhat essential but it does take a minute or two)
  • she wanted sex and i didn’t (when a guy hasn’t slept for 40+ hours, you can trust him when he says it’s not about you)
  • angry i didn’t notice her haircut (who cares that the lights were off?)
  • she thought i was interested in her sister (fair enough actually. i was)
  • upset that i was angry that her rent was 2 months behind (the old getting upset at someone being upset at you trick)

the ball is an epidemic. it must be stopped. if you or anyone you know experiences the ball, please seek assistance from the nearest sane person.

crazy bitch tip: the ball achieves nothing. you will eventually talk about the problem, so just skip the retarded ‘i’m an armadillo’ bullshit and tell someone wtf is bothering you.

we’re right here

5 Jul

ok cookoos mcgoos, here’s something precious few of you crazies seem to pick up on. we’re right here and we’re mostly not morons. your clever tricks aren’t as clever as you think they are and we find your lies as see-through as your underwear.

while we’re on the topic of underwear, if you’re going to be a crazy bitch, you have to be good when they come off. it’s a universal rule that the crazier you are, the better you are in bed. now, i’m definitely here to discourage the crazy bits but there are a few elements of your prior crazy-bitch life that you can keep. being mind-blowing in bed is one of them.

crazy bitch tip: when you’re telling a lie, ask yourself: if someone told you that, would you believe them?


3 Jul

the word ‘revenge’ should not come out of your mouth when you’re talking to a guy for the first time, especially when using it in regard to an ex-boyfriend. and of course, i don’t just mean the word, i mean don’t tell stories about what you’ve done to punish ex-boyfriends.

hearing that you called the guy’s work after he broke up with you to the point that they had to have your phone number blocked, that might be one of those things that you never tell anyone. ever.

just like how you posted naked photos of your ex on facebook and tagged them to ensure his friends would see. that’s also something you might want to keep to yourself. you massively mental, crazy, crazy bitch.

crazy bitch tip 1: don’t be crazy person.

crazy bitch tip 2: if you can’t stick to crazy bitch tip 1, at least try to keep quiet about it

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