Archive | November, 2011

complicated doors

22 Nov

i received this message from a friend. it details her trip to the dr today and the impressively crazy bitch who happened to also have an appointment there…

“I still can’t believe how crazy that lady was at the doctors. She was whinging about the door not being open and how she looked like an idiot just standing there waiting for nothing and then realizing there were people in the surgery but nobody would open the door for her. She swore a lot about this, like the f$:@ing door is not f$:@ing open and I feel like a f$:@ing tool when I have an appointment in 5 f$:@ing minutes. Then she whinged about some f$:@ing bastard doing some f$:@ing shit and then went back on about the door so I thought ok I’ll open it for her.. this did not impress her at all, like she didn’t yell at me but she yelled about it on the phone to whoever she was speaking to. Like I don’t think she realized how crazy she looked let alone sounded. She was yelling so loud that everybody could hear her but she must’ve thought the door blocked the sound but bitch when you yell that loud a door won’t save you. She made an effort to glare at me when she eventually stropped herself in. Man she was crazy scary to sit next to, I could feel multiple puppies being taken away from orphan children the way she looked at me.”

crazy bitch tip: learn how to use a door instead of complaining about how complicated they are.

not like this…

and definitely not like this…


12 Nov

So I have this really cool female friend, whose company I thoroughly enjoy, but that doesn’t stop me from noticing the fact that she too, is a crazy bitch.

This wonderful young lady recently told me: “my mum reckons I run away from problems. I’m so sick of it. If she brings it up at dinner tonight, I’ll walk out.”

I had to point out the irony of this statement to her. It reminded me of many women I’ve known over the years. It’s a pretty common thing for girls to a) ignore/try to escape dealing with their problems; and b) not realise that they’re doing it.

Now, I love my friend. She’s the coolest, but ladies this sort of behaviour really flares up everyone’s crazy-bitch detectors. For one thing, the problems don’t disappear just because you ignore them. For another, they’re usually minor things but your efforts to ignore them make them much bigger than they need to be.

crazy bitch tip: deal with it.

heads up

9 Nov

So there’s this thing that crazy bitches do quite a bit that does my head in. It’s when the crazy bitch in question has something going on in her life that may or may not actually be a big deal (but certainly is to her) and she starts acting weird and different because of it. And I’m not talking about being a little more quiet than usual or things like that.

I’m talking about being yelled at for turning up on time and not 20 minutes early like she did without letting us know. I’m talking about her disappearing off the face of the earth for three weeks. I’m talking about accusing us of being in love with the waitress because we smile when we said ‘thank you’ to her.

Now, maybe these things would be completely understandable if we knew what was happening but when you crazy bitches don’t tell us, how the hell are we supposed to know? Anyway, when we get confused or pissed off at you for doing these random, weird things… that’s not our fault. It’s a pretty natural reaction to being yelled at for no reason or having someone blame you for shit you didn’t do.

So please ladies, if you don’t want to be seen as a crazy bitch, just give us a bit of a heads up would ya? It’s much easier for a guy to be understanding of some temporarily nutty behaviour when we know it’s the result of something else.

you can’t ignore reality

9 Nov

Dear crazy bitches, just because you don’t want to deal with something doesn’t remove it from reality. It’s just like when you were a child and putting your hands over your eyes in the scary parts of a movie didn’t take away the scary things from happening, but only stopped you from seeing them.

Running away from problems you’ve caused will not get rid of those problems. Turning away from them will not solve them. Hiding from them will not help them disappear. That’s just not how things work and it’s ridiculous for the people on the other side of your problems to not only have to try and solve their side of the issue but to have to try and council you into recognising the fact that most problems aren’t ignorable.

Quit the bullshit, grow a pair of ovaries, take your head out of the sand and your hands off your eyes.

crazy bitch tip: if you ignore your problems and then expect the people you screwed over to somehow forget what happened, you are indeed a crazy bitch.


6 Nov
reasonably accurate

reasonably accurate


6 Nov

It’s great that you love your dogs, but it’s not great to tell strangers that you were stoked when you found your dogs eating a cat they’d caught in the backyard, especially when you throw in the fact that the cat no longer had a head. It’s really nice that you’re caring and you love your dogs, that’s awesome, it’s just that the satisfaction at seeing a decapitated cat’s corpse is a little off-putting.

You goddam crazy bitch.

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