Archive | March, 2014

Self-evaluation

29 Mar

Today we will continue from the previous post about what is, and is not, appropriate and extend a little further into making sure to evaluate the decisions you are making before you go through with them.

Let’s start with a clear and simple distinction you can make to simplify your decision making: you will be judged based on your actions, not on your thoughts. Take a minute and consider that separation.

What I’m getting at here, is that you can think about whatever you want. You can calculate, plan, and ponder to your heart’s content and get away with it. And just quietly, everybody does. Every person on the face of the earth thinks the occasional dodgy thought. Personally, I tend to think about how I’d approach getting away with “the perfect crime”, but that’s all it is, thinking. Maybe I’ll turn that thinking into a movie script one day but you can be damned sure I won’t actually go out and try to commit the crime because… well… that’d be stupid and kinda crazy.

Like I mentioned, it’s your actions that will be judged. Your actions. You might not have control over the thoughts that run through your head but you can control how you behave in response to those thoughts. Let me present an example of someone who had a thought and just kinda ran with it…

This is a woman who was faced with a problem, that being that she was unhappy in her relationship, and came up with a potential solution, which was to have him killed by a hitman and to pay for it using the life insurance she would receive upon her husband’s death. Sure, that’s one way to go about it but there are a few less life-ending options. Here are a few I’ve come up with:

  • Tell your husband you’re unhappy and want a divorce
  • Tell someone else to tell your husband you’re unhappy and want a divorce
  • Write a letter to your husband to tell him you’re unhappy and want a divorce
  • File for a divorce and send him the papers
  • Leave without telling him

The woman in the video clearly ranks as a crazy bitch but she’s well and truly above what we usually talk about here. This is sociopath, psychotic level, proper clinical crazy. This is off the charts, holy crap, how-can-she-talk-about-murdering-her-husband-and-laugh-at-the-same-time? crazy.

The thing is, the same principles still apply. If this vapid capsule or self-centered, self-gratifying, pure evil, soulless, demon-woman had just stopped and considered her line of thinking, and thrown in a bit of self-evaluation, she might never have become known as that fucking monster who giggled as she attempted to pay a murderer to end the life of a man she vowed to love forever, and all because she thought a divorce would be a hassle.

As scary as it might be, had she just stopped herself from acting on her thoughts, nobody would know that this creature was lurking amongst us. The only positive is that she went about it all in such a stupid way that she got caught and is going to be away from the rest of us all for a very long time.

Crazy bitch tip: When considering potential decisions, always give preference to options that do not involve murder. Please?

If you want to get a good night’s sleep you, probably best not think about the fact that there are people out there deciding that it’s better to have their husband murdered outside of the family home because, y’know, they don’t want to frighten off the friend they want to move in with them after the hit. omfg indeed.

 

UPDATE!

I’ve just found a video of the same woman speaking to the judge at her sentencing. Check it out…

The little smiles that slip through onto her face between the crocodile tears and puppy dog eyes terrified me but what terrified me more was the fact that her husband also plead for leniency from the judge on her behalf.

A tip for the guys: If your wife makes efforts towards having you killed, stay away from her and don’t listen to her lies.

Holy mother of crap are there some impressively crazy people out in the world.

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The difference between appropriate and inappropriate

25 Mar

Most of us learn that the way we behave should be influenced by the company we’re with and the setting we’re in. For example, speedos magically become undies if you’re not near the water, as the following scientific ice-cream commercial demonstrates.

 

As we grow up we pick up on these social norms and we adapt ourselves to fit. Most of us don’t talk on our phones while we’re at the movies. Most of us don’t speak the same way with our boss that we do when we’re with our friends, and most of us don’t drive at twice the speed limit and swear at the dealership representative while we’re taking a car out for a test drive.

Most of us…

 

In case you were wondering, haole is an Hawaiian word that literally translates to foreigner but is also used as a racial slur. The passenger in the video seemed to be expecting it, don’t you think? This additional information indicates that we’ve just seen a woman being completely inappropriate in both action and words, and she’s thrown in a bit of light racism to leave us no other option but to consider her an absolutely mental, max-level, super-duper crazy bitch.

We’re not here to hate, though, are we? We’re here to educate and provide assistance to those people who would like to avoid being painted with the same brush as women of this ilk. The biggest mistake the woman in the video made was to let her crazy out in the wrong circumstances with the wrong person. Those close to her might have been willing to look past her double-the-limit speed and overtly aggressive and racist screaming. Maybe, but she didn’t consider how her inappropriate behaviour might come back to bite her.

Crazy bitch tip: If you realise you’re doing something inappropriate, either stop yourself or acknowledge that you’re willingly choosing to accept the potential of a video of you acting like a complete and utter bitch-faced monster going viral. You have a choice to make.

If the speeding, shrieking, swear-goblin video wasn’t enough to convince you, witness the infamous glory of these two oxygen stealing CBs:

 

crazy bitch tip: the nicest outfit and hat can’t make you classy if you’re acting like a drunken ape.

Think before you speak

23 Mar

Today’s post is about taking the opportunity to think before you speak. This is an important facet of being interpreted as a normal human being. It’s understandable that slip-ups will occur from time to time and, depending on the level of foot-in-mouth faux pas you let by, you may just get away with the occasional nutty statement.

It’s worth remembering that, if you do say something which triggers every human being within listening distance to look at you like you just coughed up a mental ward nomination, it’s wise to take on board the general consensus on the topic. I’m not saying you have to believe the common view, or that you should cave to other’s opinions but you’re going to avoid a lot of people thinking you’re a crazy bitch if you’re told you’re wrong about something and you just flat-out disregard the information offered to you by people who actually study in the related field.

Let’s face it, this was all just an excuse to give me a reason to post this video about a woman who doesn’t believe dogs have brains…

Trish here had many, many opportunities to stop saying things that make people think she’s a crazy bitch but she has chosen time and again to continue with her “thought” process. It’s true that we might never have heard of her if she had remained silent on the whole dog brains topic, but I’ve got to think it’s better to be unknown than it is to be known as “that crazy bitch who thinks dogs don’t have brains”.

But Trish craves attention so much that she is willing to accept being known forever as an idiot. And thus we are treated to more…

That old adage “it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt” still applies today. In fact, the permanence of our modern communications perhaps make it even more relevant.

Crazy bitch tip: if you don’t want people to think you’ve got a solid case of nut-bar-iris, it’s worth taking a few seconds to consider what you want to say before you actually let it out.

Letter to the Editor #1

21 Mar

Holy mother of crap! We’ve received our first ever letter to the editor and I couldn’t be more proud!

Check it out…

 

Dear How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch,

Do you think my friend qualifies as a crazy bitch?

A few years ago my best friend Zoe suggested we go on a weeklong holiday with another close friend of hers, Nina. I had only previously met Nina on a few occasions, but trusted my best friend’s decision that we’d get along and have a good time, which we did.

After spending practically every minute together, we all became really close. I was initially surprised as to just how much I got along with Nina, but soon came to realise that it wasn’t that far fetched to enjoy the company of a friend’s friend. After all, Nina and I were friends with Zoe for similar reasons. It’s almost inevitable that we’d have compatible personalities, isn’t it?

Well, not according to Zoe who, in the years since, has turned into one heck of a crazy bitch and it’s all because of my friendship with Nina. You see, once we got back home, us three would regularly catch up, but soon life got in the way, making it difficult to arrange times for us all to meet up. And here’s where the stupidity begins.

Zoe finds it ‘weird’ that I hang out with Nina one-on-one, that is, without Zoe. Now, just to be clear, I see both Zoe and Nina as much as I would any other friend. So it’s not like I’ve replaced Zoe with Nina; I’ve simply made another friend. But apparently there’s a problem with that. Zoe loathes the fact that Nina and I see each other and, for some peculiar reason, cannot comprehend why we are friends. She’s practically insulted whenever she discovers that Nina and I have gone out!

Zoe even once bluntly told me that she’s ‘disgusted’ at the situation. Utterly confused, I asked why, but she failed to provide a rational answer and, instead, blamed me for not being able to ‘sympathise’ with her feelings.

Zoe’s problem, which has absolutely no logical basis at all, is taking its toll on me. I see passive-aggressiveness in her texts and body language. Whenever I’m with her, I’m confronted and interrogated with questions about where and with who I was at specific times, as if I’m some suspect in a crime. I’m virtually found guilty by Zoe if I fail to inform her of every encounter and conversation that I’ve personally had with Nina. This is what ‘catching up’ with Zoe now consists of and I’m getting really fed up by it.

So, do I have a crazy bitch on my hands or am I just paranoid?

Thanks, Confused Girl

*names have been changed

So here’s what I think, Confused Girl…

This Zoe character is displaying quite the collection of crazy-bitchitudes and, as you’ve rightly pointed out, rationality doesn’t appear to be a big part of her thought process. You definitely don’t sound paranoid but Zoe sure seams to be dealing with a case of it and its sanity sapping, brain bending abilities.

I’m sure Zoe is a generally nice person but she’s really giving it to you with both barrels because she’s struggling to make sense of her own emotions. Unfortunately, there’s an insecurity pushing her logic out the window and providing you a first-hand account of crazy-bitch syndrome. Lack of logic and  emotional overreactions are the key symptoms in this case. Zoe’s not liking the emotion that your friendship with Nina is causing her and in classic crazy-bitch style she’s going to continue to blame you for it until the feeling goes away.

In all fairness, it would feel a bit weird to introduce your friends to each other and then find them hanging out without you, so maybe the best way forward is talk it over with Zoe and to tell her you understand why it’s affecting her. Be sure to point out that it’s actually a really good thing and that you really appreciate her introducing you to someone you get along with so well. Even if you don’t understand why she’s so bothered, try and sympathise with her.

You might also try inviting Zoe along whenever you and Nina are making plans. Zoe will at least feel included and my bet is, if you invite her often enough, it won’t matter to her so much anymore.

If Zoe can’t get her head around it, that’s not your fault. If she continues to be weird about it after you’ve made an effort to be understanding, just don’t hang out with her for a while.

Either way, It’ll all blow over eventually.

 

This was kind of fun! I’d love to hear more stories and questions from the rest of you about your experiences with crazy-bitches.

Crazy bitch tip: If someone asks you why you’re upset with them and you can’t give them an answer, you’re quite likely to be heading into cookoo mcGoo territory.

No confusion here

19 Mar

Some of the traits that identify someone as a crazy bitch are subtle. Some require a level of attention to detail to help you catch on. Other traits, however, are far less subtle. This brings us to the subject for today…

Giovanna Plowman eats her own bloody tampon.

That video is so gross that I chose not to show it directly on this page. It’s revolting. The title sums it up accurately but I guess, if you have no imagination and you really, really want to lodge something that rainbow-yawn-inducing into your long term memory, you could follow that bad-boy link right into the land of NOPE. Just make sure to grab a bucket beforehand.

Clearly, being willing to eat your own tampon implies that the crazy bitch is strong with this one. Without doubt, she had a case of the CBs, but keep hope because it appears that even someone this far down the CB tunnel of terror can learn from her past experiences. Sure, she hasn’t learned to take the gum out of her before shooting videos but when you consider what was in her mouth in the previous video, gum is a pretty massive improvement. Here’s what she has to say about it after the internet exploded at her…

Crazy bitch tip: It’s good to learn from your mistakes but it’s far better to learn from the mistakes of those who’ve gone before you. Learn from Ms Lowman’s error in judgement and don’t go down in history as a batshit crazy bitch.

Use your words

17 Mar

Violence is a typically masculine approach to problem solving. Even so, we generally consider the men who engage in physical altercations to be of the ‘douchebag’ variety. We’re taught that men are less capable of controlling themselves than women because men suffer an over abundance of testosterone, and this is particularly evident in particularly troglodytic examples of the modern male. Thus, we begrudgingly accept that some male Homo Sapiens are merely Neanderthals wrapped in modern clothes, and that this shameful and primitive behaviour of punching and wrestling is the loathsome but inevitable result of testosterone’s drive towards conquering, dominating and demonstrating strength.

Testosterone may be a pretty weak excuse but at least it’s something. Maybe that’s why we consider it to be so much more distasteful when we see women stoop to getting into fights. Here’s an example:

It’s pretty hard not to find that sad. Unless of course you find it difficult to activate any empathy for those who don fake tan and wear prostitute make-up to a wedding, in which case you might find it a somewhat entertaining. Either way, you know damned well that’s some footage of two crazy bitches doing a brilliant job of letting the rest of the world know just how high up on the crazy-bitchometer they are.

In bout #2, we see just how crazy this scenario can get.

In this example we see hair weaves coming off like scalps, butt-cracks being exposed to all and sundry and we watch as flailing, angry arms eventually go from “oh no you di’int” to classic hair pulling to the dreaded two headed, traffic stopping, bitumen cuddle. In standard tradition, “sisters” get in on the act and eventually the police make an appearance.

I can’t stress this enough…

If you have ever attempted to resolve a disagreement and ended up an internet sensation with your arse hanging out of your pants as a stranger walks off with the cluster of fur that you used to wear as hair, you are a crazy bitch.

And then there’s bout #3. There’s not much to say about this one really. I mean, I’m quite certain that each of the “women” in this video would confidently adhere a bumper sticker to their car to proclaim just how impressive their bitch-status is. If you don’t want to be seen as a crazy bitch, avoid participating in situations like this…

or this…

No matter how well you conceal anything else that might hint at your inner crazy-bitch, getting into a single fight will inform anyone in the vicinity that you’re definitely right up there as far as the bat-shit crazy freakometer goes.

Crazy bitch tip: No argument is worth the world potentially seeing your bare arse all over the internet as you either pummel, or are pummelled by, another woman. No fighting!

It’s official!

5 Mar

We’re now officially hownottobeacrazybitch.com. It might not seem like big news to the rest of you, but we’re pretty excited about it!

And just in case it annoyed you to get this crazy-bitch free update, don’t fret. There’s a new post coming very soon and we think you’ll get a few laughs out of it.

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