Archive | May, 2014

100 Problems

31 May

Wow. 100th post. That’s a milestone I never expected to reach.

I started this site because I’d had a string of dealing with women who were making absolutely no sense to me. I tried very hard to make sense of what the hell it was that I was doing to cause so many ladies to act so very bizarrely but I couldn’t figure it out, so I asked around. I asked my friends, my colleagues, random strangers in random conversations in random locations. The answer came back time and again, I was just having an unfortunate run of dealing with some ‘crazy bitches’.

Weather or not those women were actually crazy bitches or not is hard for me to say. I only know my side of the stories and I’m looking forward to letting you all in on them and hearing what you have to say.

In the meantime, today is a big deal. In addition to this being the 100 posts, I’ve also hit a milestone as far as views on this site and I’m stoked about that. It turns out there’s actually a fair bit of demand for this whole How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch thing. There’s one more milestone, we’ve just completed the 10th Episode of our silly little How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch web series and I’ll be posting that very soon. All in all, this is a pretty awesome day!

Anyshways, as fun as it is to ramble on about all the cool shit that’s going on with this site, I better shut the hell up and provide you some content. Here we go, post 100…

I guess Jay-Z has 100 problems, now

This video shows us Beyonce’s sister Solange throwing a rage of furious little fists and very pointy shoes at Jay-Z. I’ve heard a bit of back-story to this and it’s arguable that Solange might be well within her rights to be absolutely furious with Jay-Z. It’s all very gossipy and, to be 100%, I just don’t care enough about it to try and recount what I’ve heard. If you’re into that sort of tabloid stuff, you’ll find plenty here.

The point I want to make is that it doesn’t matter anymore if Solange was justified in her anger at Jay-z because she let herself get all fist-cuffs about it and her violent outburst was caught on camera and shown to the world. That really sucks because now the majority of people have heard about, and seen, this video and will assume Solange is downright crazy bitch. What if she’s not? What if she’s justified? What if there’s a legit reason for her to be furious? It doesn’t matter because the vast majority are never going to hear the details, they’ve just assumed Solange = Bat Shit Crazy and that’s the end of it.

It’s worth keeping in mind that an outburst, no matter how justified, is still unacceptable and it’s still going to make you look like a crazy person. I can’t think of a single situation where you could be dressed to the nines, spend a few minutes trying to bash in the skull of another person with your fists and feet and then leave with a big smile like everything’s ok, and still have everybody think you’re a normal person.

Crazy bitch tip: Men aren’t allowed to hit women. Women aren’t allowed to hit men. In fact, no one should hit anyone. Hitting anyone is a bad idea. Hitting a billionaire is a terrible idea.

Happy 100 to me!

Episode #9 – I watched you sleep all night

28 May

Not everything is fun

27 May

Usually on this website, I try to point out the funny side of crazy bitch styled behaviour. I aim for mockery, rather than misogyny. If you ever think I’m being hateful I’d like to hear where and how I came across that way, because I don’t hate women and the last thing I want is to encourage anyone to hate women.

I actually forget that there are people out there who literally hate all women. It doesn’t really make sense to me that anyone can hate all of anyone or anything. There’s just too much bloody variation in everything to hate every single instance of someone or something.

If I eat a ham a cheese sandwich and I don’t enjoy it, I recognise that I had a crap ham and cheese sandwich but I don’t automatically hate all ham and cheese sandwiches. If I eat 10 ham and cheese sandwiches and I don’t enjoy any of them, I might be less likely to go for another ham and cheese sandwich in the future but I’m not gonna swear off sandwiches altogether, I’ll just get a different flavour. If every sandwich I eat from a certain place is awful regardless of the toppings, I’ll probably stop eating at that place but I won’t stop eating sandwiches. There’re just too many variables to go blaming Sandwiches as a whole and in this example I reckon to just assume all sandwiches taste bad is really fucking stupid.

It seems ironic to throw out a generalisation after saying that but I do tend to find people who flat-out hate anything are either very closed minded or just frightened, often both. Ignorance usually plays a big part too, as does it’s less fixable younger sibling, stupidity. What a simple world it must be for those who think there are only Men, Women, Queers, White people, Black people and Asians. How straight forward would life be if you knew that every Man will react this way and every Woman will react that way?

Sure it’d be simple but that’s not how life fucking works, and you can go and thank whatever deity you choose to believe in (or not believe in) for that because existence would be tedious as all bugger if it were.

Anyway, I’m going somewhere with all this rabble. Some people out there have bad experiences with something and they mistakenly blame every instance of whatever it was that bothered them for their bad experience. This misunderstanding can bloom into hatred and that hatred can bloom into violence.

That’s how we end up with shit like this:

What a piece of shit. I’m glad he’s off the planet and I’m mortified that nobody stopped him living out his twisted fantasy based on his moronic misunderstanding of the world.

Yes, he’s a misogynist. Yes, he’s a sociopath. Yes, he’s a monster. More scary than all that, however, is that he’s not the only guy out there who thinks like that. There’s a strong push in most of the world’s leading countries to get rid of this sort of thinking as much as we can but the truth is, it does still exist.

The only way I can tie this all in with the whole How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch thing is to say that every woman alive needs to acknowledge that monsters just like this psycho are out there and if you’re not keeping an eye out for them, you’re acting like a crazy bitch. Be aware that some people have twisted the fact that you’re not attracted to them into some sort of fault of yours that they can blame you for. If you get that vibe from anyone, stay the fuck away from them. Don’t ever get into a relationship with a guy who thinks even remotely similarly to this guy.

I don’t hate much but I hate shit like this.

Sorry for the rant. We’ll get back to the lighter side of life next time.


Episode #8 – Brakes

24 May

Episode #7 – Lasagne

21 May

This relates to a recent post


21 May

Janeane Garofalo is a stand-up comedienne and she’s pretty good at that. I’m not going to say that I’m certain she’s a crazy bitch but it is a question that I ponder when I see things like the following video.

Now, that’s footage of a bit of stand-up and stand-up comedy is exactly that, comedy. Comedians and comediennes often adopt a persona when they perform. The persona is sometimes very close to their everyday selves and sometimes the total opposite. Who knows if she really believes what shes saying here but Janeane is talking about the removal of female pubic hair as pandering to the wants of men and implying that if a man is more attracted to lady-bits sans pubes as likely pedophiles.

I disagree with her take on both these things. Firstly, if you had the choice of eating a lasagne full of pubes or a lasagne with zero pubic hair content, I’m betting the average person would take the non-pube variant.

Secondly, guys are generally pretty easy to please when it comes to vaginas. If there is a vagina in the vicinity, there’s going to be a guy trying to get access to it, regardless of make, model and trim.

Thirdly, I firmly believe that the majority of women’s fashion has absolutely nothing to do with what men are interested in. I personally did not dictate any of this, for example:

Lady Gaga's fashion

I really think women’s fashion is targeted at other women. That’s OK. I barely notice it anyway, unless it’s this crazy over-the-top stuff, which I just think is weird.

In regards to the health advantages or leaving the fur-berger wearing fur, it’s actually proven that removing the hair is helping to eradicate those little blood sucking parasites we all affectionately know as crabs. This trend has actually lead to pubic lice becoming an endangered species, and that’s about the only time that’s happened and the world has rejoiced at the news.

Pubic Louse

Janeane Garofalo wants to maintain the habitats of these blood sucking, underpants dwellers. Why do you hate humankind, Janeane?

So, is Janeane a crazy bitch? I don’t know. She always seemed nice to me and I liked her portrayal as a female Jerry Seinfeld but I am still confused as to why someone who has had plastic surgery in an attempt to adhere to the wants of Hollywood is complaining that women the world over feel more comfortable wearing a bikini without hair hanging out the sides of it.

Is this what you want, Janeane?


Bikini wax season


Hairy 1

Crazy bitch tip: Most guys are surprised to find a massive 70s style bush when they go on a journey into the unknown, and not in a good way. That doesn’t mean you have to get rid of it, just don’t go expecting rave reviews.

Then again, maybe I’m just a cog in the big-wax industry and I’m just trying to negate someone who’s finally discovered the truth about our pubic-hair eradication policy. Or maybe, just maybe Janeane is just taking-the-piss here, and I am too.


Episode #6 – Meds

19 May



18 May

So I was checking that our twitter was up and running properly. Y’know, checking our fancy-pants logo was on there and that the updates were going through when we add a new post on this site. While I was at it, I updated the url to the now iconic All in all, I was pretty happy with how things were looking.

But then I noticed something…

How not to be a crazy bitch - on twitter

Follows you. Everywhere.

The @hownottobeacb FOLLOWS YOU bit struck me as, well, honestly, kinda stalkerish. I guess it fits part of the ongoing motif of this website though, specifically that the silly and unreasonable shit you do can, will, and does, follow you. We have no plans to stalk you. I’ve always wondered about how people can be a stalker. Think about the time and energy it takes to stalk someone. I can barely keep up with what I’m doing, let alone bother to keep an eye on what someone else is up to all day every day.

This all leads nicely to some advice that I’d like to share with you.

Crazy bitch tip of the day: Never do anything like this >

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14 May

I find women with curves attractive. Despite movies, tv and magazines implying the opposite, most guys find women with curves attractive. Sure, you might run in to a guy here and there who is only into stick figures and you might find the equivalent guys who are attracted to the mega-ladies who are on the super-thick end of the spectrum but just about every guy out there can appreciate a shapely women.

When I say shapely, this is what I’m talking about:

Sexy and shapely

And I think this meme sums things up nicely:
Not overweight, just curvy

But somewhere along the way, some confusion has crept in. The media started indicating that male Homo Sapiens are after bags of bones wrapped so tightly in skin that we can see every bone, muscle and tendon. Young women see this shape everywhere and think it’s standard issue:

Bag of bones

Like I said, there are some guys that are going to be attracted to a woman who looks like this but there’s a pretty creepy crossover between guys who are only attracted to women this skinny and guys who end up getting locked away for not respecting the laws relating to the age of consent. Even if I’m wrong and more guys are into this look than I realise, that doesn’t make it healthy and we end up with young girls looking like this as a result:


When I see someone this thin, the last thing I’m thinking about is attraction. I want to drag her to the nearest eatery and feed her. I want to put her on a drip. I can’t even remotely understand how anyone possibly could be attracted to someone a human body so near to death.

Brazil seems to be going the other direction. There’s a serious trend towards curviness over there and when you take a look at the winner of miss Bum Bum Brazil 2012 here, you can certainly see there’s good reason for that.

Miss BumBum Brazil 2012

Of course, that’s lead to its own problems. Plastic surgery is a booming industry in Brazil and some of the procedures are pretty insane as far as I’m concerned. The two procedures that are doing my head in are butt implants and silicone injections.

Butt implants don’t seem to work out too well…

And silicone injections might be even worse…

I’m a guy, so I don’t really know the pressure that women are under to be attractive but I can tell pretty well what looks healthy and what does not. Generally speaking, looking healthy correlates quite a bit with being attractive. Instead of starving yourself to death or having your body cut open and things stuffed inside it to give you extra lumps, maybe it’s worth considering just having a healthy lifestyle and accepting that there are guys out there who like all sorts of body shapes.

One last thing though, it’s important to accept your body for what it is, but that doesn’t mean that you should go disregarding reality and trying to adjust the meaning of words to make yourself feel better. For example, this lady is sorely mistaken.


Crazy bitch tip: Tell yourself that being obese is beautiful as much as you want, it’s not going to convince anyone to be more attracted to you and it’s not going to make you any healthier.



Why tampons exist

13 May

I’m not the fashion police, I promise, but geez there are some crazy bitches belting around in some completely inappropriate gear.

For instance…


Crazy bitch tip: nobody wants to see your pad.

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