Archive | June, 2014

Do not leave marks on your children

30 Jun

This rule applies to all people and all children. This rule is simple. This rule is not negotiable.

DO NOT LEAVE MARKS ON YOUR CHILDREN.

The fact that you birthed a child does not entitle you the right to cause that child physical damage. It does not entitle you the right to intentionally scar that child. If you believe it does, you are a fucking crazy bitch. You are such a crazy bitch, that you’ll like go to prison.

That’s an important indicator during your self-evaluation. Think to yourself, would I go to prison for doing this thing that I’ve got it in my head that I want to do? If the answer is yes, and you continue anyway, have no doubt that you are a crazy bitch.

See this?

This is unacceptable. You do not need to brand your children, they will still be recognised as yours through their use of language, the fact that they live with you and that old reliable stuff we call DNA. Even if someone branded you, you still should not brand your children.

How about this?

This is also unacceptable. You should not have your children tattooed. Tattooing is permanent and it is painful. There’s no bloody reason you need to have a tattoo put on your child. Even if you’re a satanist and you want to hail your demon deity, you still don’t get to put a tattoo on your child. Do you know why? Because that’s fucking psycho! That’s why! Yet again, even if someone tattooed you when you were a child, you still should not tattoo your child.

What about this one?

Burning a child for any reason, is unacceptable. Do you understand? You don’t get to apply a burning hot iron to a child because your hair isn’t straight. You don’t get to burn a child because they’ve been crying. You don’t get to burn a child if they’ve accidentally cut your leg off with a chain saw. You should never burn your child.

And this?

Ripping your sons scrotum and applying superglue to the wound is not acceptable. Regardless of how angry you are, you don’t get to tear the flesh of your child. Regardless of how bad your day has been, you don’t get to rip the scrotum of your son. Regardless of who has been cruel to you in your life, you don’t get to grab your sons genitals and rip away at them so hard that you separate the flesh of his body and you sure as fuck shouldn’t try and fix it with glue and cover up the incident instead of seeking medical attention.

What the fuck is wrong with these batshit, crazy bitches?

Crazy bitch tip: If you know you’re a crazy bitch, please don’t procreate.

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Episode #18 – Younger

29 Jun
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Episode #17 – Wasting

28 Jun
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Episode #16 – Virgin

27 Jun

Caitlin Stasey and Bindi Irwin

26 Jun Caitlin Stasey's boobies

As an Australian, I am bound by law to have a soft spot for every Aussie that makes their way onto the world stage. Fortunately, in the case of Bindi Irwin and Caitlin Stasey, I wouldn’t have been able to avoid having a fondness for them anyway.

See, don’t go telling anyone but I actually went through a phase when I would watched Neighbours semi-regularly. I guess it was on at a time that sort of synced in well with my life at that point. Y’know, get home from work, sit around for half an hour while trying to recover from the day and passively stare at the glowing box as it pumps out a story so generic that even my burned-out, overworked brain could keep up.

I don’t remember exactly when that was but I do remember Caitlin Stasey and I remember thinking that she’d be a truly beautiful woman in a few years. Well, time has passed and you’d be hard pressed to find many blokes who don’t think Caitlin Stasey is a good looking woman, I mean, seriously:

Come on, there's no denying Caitlin is easy on the eyes.

Come on, there’s no denying Caitlin is easy on the eyes.

So there’s Caitlin Stasey, an Aussie pushing her way up the ranks towards Hollywood stardom. Sure, I don’t really give two shits about the stars of Hollywood and all that celebrity bullshit but seeing an Aussie excel in her chosen field gives me a case of the old warm-fuzzies. Good for her, I say. Read ahead and I’m sure you’ll understand that she’s probably quite offended that the only thing I really know about her is that she’s beautiful but then again, the only reason I’ve heard of her is because she was on a TV show, and I’m sure a big part of the reason she was chosen to be on that show was for her looks, so I don’t really feel so bad about it.

Then we’ve got Bindi Irwin. If you don’t have some affection for Bindi Irwin, you might just be a stone. We all remember Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter. His unbridled enthusiasm and all-consuming love for animals was intoxicating and he was one of the few Aussie icons since Crocodile Dundee to remind the rest of the world that Australia is a pretty gnarly place. Here he is:

What a bloody legend! Bindi is his daughter and she’s grown up in the public eye and done a great job of picking up where Steve left off by continuing to spread the word about how important conservation of Australian wild-life and habitat is. Here’s a snippet of Bindi from a few years ago:

Cute as a button! It’s not like Bindi Irwin is really on my radar, she’s just one of those names that pops up occasionally and makes me think how awesome it is that she’s got some of her dad’s exuberance and is progressing the family message of conservation. How do you not admire that?

 Recent events – Caitlin

In recent days our beloved Caitlin has started making some waves by becoming very outspoken on Twitter. Here are few choice examples:

 

“OH MY GOD VAGINA MIGHT GOBBLE UP THE RAINFOREST IF MISUSED OR USED TOO OFTEN! THAS HOW PREMARITAL SEX KILLS, DAWGS” – Caitlin Stasey

“I appreciate your desire to take my sex agency from me AUSTRALIA but I’m too busy slinging dick, punching pussy and doin general housework” – Caitlin Stasey

“She came, she saw, she fucked, she owned it, she conquered” – Caitlin Stasey

“So eat a dick” – Caitlin Stasey

“Dear God, plz plz plz give me a retweet or a follow back. ARE YOU NOTICING ME?! I LOVED YOU IN THE BIBLE! cmon u’d be nothing without me!” – Caitlin Stasey

“Am reduced to a pervert almost permanently” – Caitlin Stasey

Be a living example of what you believe @freethenipple

Be a living example of what you believe @freethenipple

” – Caitlin Stasey

So… that raised a few eyebrows around the world. Media ogranisations started ramping up the story and turning it into articles like this: Former Neighbours star Caitlin Stasey made out to be a ‘bizarre, raving, sexual lunatic’. Caitlin appears to have been bothered by these stories. Check out the rest of her Twitter feed to see the various ways in which she’s chosen to address these things.

Recent events – Bindi

Bindi Irwin recently made a bit of news lately too. Here’s what she said brought about all the attention:

“I’m a big advocate for young girls dressing their age.

I mean, for me, I look around at a lot of young girls that are my age and they’re always trying to dress older. Whether it’s wearing revealing clothes or hardly wearing any clothes at all, I feel really bad for them.

It kind of has the opposite effect in some ways … it kind of does the opposite where it makes you look younger and like you’re trying too hard.

I almost wish I could tell young girls, ‘look, in 10 years when you look back at yourself, you’ll cringe honey, honestly’.

A lot of times I want to grab these girls and say ‘look … in 10 years you’ll regret this. Just dress like who you are. Don’t try so hard. A pair of jeans and a T-shirt is just as gorgeous and even makes you look classier’.

I look at adults and they say ‘when I was young I was wearing blue eye shadow’ and I’m cringing. So to be able to have that outlook on life is such a blessing and I’ve gotten that from my mum especially.

The way I choose to dress, I want to influence other people around me I suppose.” – Bindi Irwin

Bindi Irwin isn’t yet 16 years old but seems to have a lot of things figured out and has done so well ahead of the standard maturity curve. There’s a bit more detail on this in this article if you’re interested.

Recent events – Caitlin V Bindi

In case you didn’t pick up on it, Caitlin is pretty upset with, well… everything. The subject of the majority of her statements however, appear to be focused on pushing feminist ideals. And hey, I say more power to you, ladies. Caitlin’s been on about ‘free the nipple’, I couldn’t agree more! Get em out and enjoy yourselves. Caitlin’s really been going off and while I think she’s coming from a good place and has a lot of good points, they’re getting lost in all the raving and to be quite frank, she’s pretty misguided on some of the issues she’s blasting away about.

Nothing exemplifies this misguidedness better than her tweet at Bindi regarding Bindi’s comments about young women dressing their age:

“Open letter to Bindi, in ten years you’ll wish you stood beside your shared sex rather than be proud you belittled their choices & agency.” – Caitlin Stasey

After all the other ranting coming out of Caitlin’s feed, this really pissed a lot of people off. Of all the people to target, you’ve gotta admit that Bindi Irwin has gotta be about the worst option. Bindi is adorable and sweet and so endearingly genuine that anyone choosing to say anything negative towards her is bound to come across as the bad guy. Wait! Pardon me! I mean the bad person. I must try harder to get rid of my gender biased vitriol. Anyway, I’m saying it’s difficult to have your point received well when you’re attacking someone so lovely as Bindi.

Here are a few of the responses:

As you can see, Caitlin’s copped a bit of negativity in response. Here’s an article about the whole thing and about just how upset this has made people beyond the Twittersphere.

What I think about the whole thing

Firstly, I think it’s a big flair up about bugger all of substance but seeing as I’m talking about it, I reckon Bindi will bring more benefit to women in her lifetime than Caitlin is likely to. I’ve come to this conclusion because Bindi is already doing something of value, namely, contributing to the awareness of ecological issues around the world, and she’s been doing a bang-up job of representing Australia on the world stage while she’s been at it.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is out there trading on her looks and then going off about the fact that so much of the world is based around the value of female attractiveness. For the record, I think it’s bullshit too but if you’re going to use your looks to get ahead, it doesn’t put you in the best position to argue against the whole thing.

I think Bindi is 100% correct when she says that girls should dress their age. If you’ve ever seen a girl pulling the edges of her teeny tiny skirt down or her pulling up super low-cut top, you’ve seen a girl dressing outside of her comfort-zone and you can be pretty bloody sure she was doing that because she was either trying to fit in with fashion or to look older, neither of which is a good reason to making yourself uncomfortable.

Caitlin’s going off about how a woman’s body is hers to do with as she wants and she’s right too. The difference is Bindi is saying “have some self respect and don’t try to be something you’re not” and Caitlin is saying “girls should be able to do whatever the fuck they want, whenever and wherever they want”. One of those statements fits in with reality and helps encourage good decision making and the other is a pretty reckless thing to say to impressionable young women.

Crazy bitch time

Bindi and the term crazy bitch don’t belong in the same sentence. Bindi is a champ. Despite growing up in the limelight and all the garbage that comes with it, she’s got her head screwed on right and she’s on her way to big things.

Caitlin Stasey on the other hand… well, let me say that I actually don’t think she’s a crazy bitch. I reckon she’s very passionate about something that we should all be concerned about, and that’s ensuring that women, or more accurately, all people have an equal opportunity to succeed and enjoy the lifestyle they prefer. The problem is that Caitlin is choosing a bad way to promote her thoughts and opinions.

It’s a real shame, actually. All that twitter ranting and all the blaming and pointing fingers and accusing everyone of oppressing women and attempting to impose a patriarchal, conservatist agenda, it just comes across as crazy. It just makes Caitlin appear to be a bat-shit crazy feminazi and the few people who’s minds she wants to change about these topics don’t listen to bat-shit crazy feminazis.

If Caitlin can calm the fuck down and collect her thoughts into a well written book or a documentary series or something of value that actually expresses her opinions in a digestible manner, maybe she’ll contribute positively to her cause. In the mean time, she’s doing a damned good impersonation of a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip: “Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.” – from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

One more thing

This celebrity bullshit is killing me. I’ll be back to posting more of the silly little cartoons very soon.

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Don’t ruin good things

20 Jun

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Do not combine firearms, bicycles and bikinis

16 Jun

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Episode #15 – Playboy

15 Jun

Buy shoes that fit

14 Jun

Ladies, gentlemen, people on the spectrum that don’t identify as either, let me point out to you all that there is one rule of purchasing footwear to which you should always abide. That rule is to buy shoes that fit.

Ignoring reality

This rule applies to all adults in all circumstances (emergencies excepted). While you may be able to convince yourself that you fit into a smaller size pair of jeans than you really do by squishing your flesh and fat around until you finally get that button to hold, that only works because that’s a part of the body that happens to have flesh and fat. Either way, you’re not fooling anyone, we all still see that you don’t fit. In Australia we call this “Muffin Top”, see figure 1 and 2 below.

Figure 1: Muffin-top

Figure 1: Muffin-top

Figure 2: The classic muffin-top + tramp-stamp combo.

Figure 2: The classic muffin-top + tramp-stamp combo.

Muffin-top is unpleasant and is to be avoided but at least it’s not going to leave you permanently disfigured. Feet are a whole different world, however.

Feet are made of bones

This same effort towards self-deception does occur when it comes to footwear but it takes a bit more of a separation from reality. Behold figure 3, an instance in which the person wearing the footwear is the only person convinced that her shoes actually fit.

Figure 3: Toe danglers

Figure 3: Toe danglers

It’s quite possible that I know less about women’s shoes than anyone to have ever graced this planet, yet even I know that these don’t fit. You see, feet are made of bones, and bones aren’t as malleable as fat or flesh. You can’t really squish a bunch of bones into a poorly fitting container. This fact is the reason we see things like the “random toe overhang” or the rare but impressive “superfluous side toe”.

Toe popper

Figure 4: Toe-pop

Interestingly though, I believe this is actually a better than the disturbing trend which is rising in popularity in some of the wealthier parts of the world lately.

A trend has emerged

What trend? Yeah, umm, well… essentially there’s a brand of shoes out there that are very desirable but are designed to fit a only a few foot sizes. Instead of connecting the dots and recognising that expensive shoes should fit better than cheap shoes and that shoes that don’t fit are a bad way of spending your money, there are women out there in the modern world who are actually paying to have their feet reshaped by surgeons so that they can squeeze into the shoes they so desperately desire.

I know that my lack of fashion nous perhaps makes me a less credible voice on this matter but if you ask me, surgically modifying your body to fit it into anything is pretty fucking nuts. I’m talking crazy-bitch level nuts. I’m talking “I don’t know if your vote should be allowed to impact the democratic process of your country” nuts. I’m talking “Holy shit, some of these people are going to have children and apply the same line of thinking to them and then we’ll end up with a generation of children customised to fit into fictional daydream that relates in no way to reality” nuts.

In a bind

In case you’re unaware, a similar practice became popular in China about 900 years ago.

Apparently one of the emperor’s in house prostitutes filled out her shoes in an attractive way and also had a nice way of walking. Competitiveness being what it is amongst the wealthy, next thing you know wealthy men throughout the nation also wanted the women they owned to have a similarly nice way of filling out a shoe. Of course, it did not matter to these men that the way this was achieved was for the women’s feet to be so tightly bound that over time the bones would eventually curl and distort and grow into a shape that filled out the shoes well. Neither did these wealthy men show much concern that women whose feet were bound (often from childhood) would lose the ability to walk and would have to be carried around the place by servants. I mean, who cares right? As long as one of your favourite female possession can fill out a shoe, crippling her is a fair trade off. Totally, nothing wrong with that… unless, you know, you actually have a soul and consider mutilating and crippling people to be a bad thing.

Even going back about 700 years there were people in China fighting against this practice. They called it barbaric. An emperor even attempted to have the practice banned but no, mangled feet filling out pretty shoes continued right the way up until the early 1900s.

The Manchu Emperor Kangxi tried to ban footbinding in 1664 but failed.[1] In the 1800s (19th century), Chinese reformers challenged the practice but it was not until the early 20th century that foot binding began to die out, partly from changing social conditions and partly as a result of anti-foot binding campaigns.[2] Foot-binding resulted in lifelong disabilities for most of its subjects, and some elderly Chinese women still survive today with disabilities related to their bound feet.[3]

Totally worth it to make a shoe fit nicely.

Totally worth it to make a shoe fit nicely.

Read more about this madness at wikipedia

Progress

100 years ago the Chinese outlawed the practice of warping feet and yet here we are today with women choosing to warp their own feet purely for the sake of fashion. That’s not progress. That’s a failure to educate human beings to value their bodies above a current trend or a temporary desire. Some things just aren’t made for you and that’s ok. Your life will not be better as a result of surgically modifying your feet to fit into a pair of shoes. For the love of all that is good in the world, please consider the fact that having a functioning pair of feet is something to be thankful for and that no pair of shoes is worth risking that.

Crazy bitch tip: For fuck’s sake, stop spending money on hacking into your body so you can then spend more money on shoes that were never designed to fit you in the first place. BUY SHOES THAT FIT.

 

Hands off

12 Jun

This video shows a crazy bitch displaying the incorrect way to deal with her concern over a younger guy’s behaviour.

The woman is concerned that the guy is ‘taking pictures’ so she calls the police, then attacks the guy. The guy doesn’t fight back but he does attempt to disable the woman and tell her to stop assaulting him. He yells for help but no one comes to his aid. Apparently when the police did arrive, they arrested the woman but only after seeing the video.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the woman to have been bothered by this guy potentially filming scantily clad women at the beach. If that’s what he was doing, of course he should get in trouble for it. Hell, if that’s what he’s doing I hope he gets locked away but she has no reasonable basis for to assume that’s what he’s doing and when you watch the video, you don’t get the impression he’s a lecherous dude trying to have a perv, you get the impression he’s a young guy participating in the hobby of flying a remote controlled drone.

The point at which she goes way too far is when she starts physically attacking the dude. That’s not cool. She’s jumped to a conclusion, judged him as guilty without any evidence and now she’s trying to hurt him! That’s some crazy bitch activity right there!

Can you imagine if a man had caught an adolescent girl flying a drone around at the beach and had decided that she was trying to perv on him and his mates, then tackled her and started punching at her? That guy would be in jail in 20 minutes and it’d be all over the news the next day, not to mention he’d probably be beaten half to death by any other guys in the vicinity.

Reminds me of this video actually…

So ladies, if you catch yourself at the point of thinking your best course of action is physically attack someone, try to stop to think “This is what a crazy bitch would do. Do I want to be viewed as a crazy bitch?” Part of the reason it’s such a crazy thing to do is that a) the guy isn’t allowed to hit you back and b) if you happen to attack the wrong guy and he chooses to ignore that whole ‘a man should never hit a woman’ thing, it’s going to work out very badly for you.

No, I’m not saying it’s ok for a man to hit a woman, regardless of the circumstances. It’s not ok for anyone to hit anyone. So, yet again I’m trying to get this point across…

Crazy bitch tip: Do not attack anyone, ever.

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