The friend zone

11 Jun

What is it?

The Friend Zone is that situation in which you want to be with someone but they only see you as a friend. There’s a sort of switch that people flick when they allocate a person into either potential sexy-time participant/spouse ranking or the ‘just a friend’ ranking and it happens both ways, men friend-zone women and women friend-zone men. The difference, however, is that it’s way more common for a woman to friend-zone a guy and thus we end up with so many guys bitching and moaning about it. In fact, there’s so much bitching going on from the male side that the term Friend-Zoned now pretty much always refers to a guy being interested in a girl who has no attraction to him.

If you’ve been living under a rock and my explanation above hasn’t helped, this video should clarify the concept for you:


What’s the impact?

Guys complain about this a lot, and I do mean a lot. It’s not uncommon for a guy to be in love with a girl for years and never go after anyone else because he’s hanging out all by himself in the friend zone hoping that the girl who sees him as effectively a fellow lady (except with facial hair and a tendency to wear pants instead of skirts) will suddenly realise how awesome he is and immediately fall in love, yada yada yada, insert fairy-tale ending.

An image from the Princess Bride

Fallen princess

I’ve been there. I’ve been that guy. I know what it’s like to hope that she’ll stop chasing the arsehole douchebags who break her heart and wake up to the fact that there’s an awesome guy right here, just waiting for her. I learned my lesson and gave that shit up a long time ago but millions and millions of guys the world over are still in the trenches, trying desperately to dig their way out of the accursed friend-zone holes they’ve dug themselves into.

Why does it happen?

From the guy’s side

Aside from situations where the guy looks like a goblin and effectively has zero chance with women, the typical cause is the guy leaving it too late to make a move. Most of the time the guy doesn’t make a move because he lacks self-confidence or is afraid of being rejected. In rarer circumstances the cause is the guy not being interested in the girl at first, then a friendship develops and bam! he catches himself with a crush on her and he’s too afraid of ruining the friendship to make a move. That last one’s the worst friend-zone situation of all.

Oh yeah, there’s another friend-zone situation that guys get themselves into and this one’s a real punch in the guts. Guys sometimes friend-zone themselves by becoming interested in a girl. What happens is that the guy develops an affection for the girl and changes the way he behaves around her. Where he used to be cheeky and tease her a little, now he’s extra nice. When she used to fish for compliments, he’d ignore her or call her out on it but now he’s throwing bucket after bucket of compliments at her at the slightest hint of a request for a kind word. Where he once was aggressive when it came to choosing what to do or where to go, he now tells her it’s “whatever you want!”.

From the girl’s side

Let me state ahead of time that I’m a guy. I’m doing my best to make sense of what I’ve seen but I could be way off. I mean, let’s face it, you ladies are a mysterious lot. If I am wrong, let me know in the comments, please.

Anyway, what I think causes this friend-zoning from the women’s side is that (heterosexual) women are attracted to men. Sounds redundant, right? Stop and think about it for a second… women are attracted to men, not boys, men. This mythical thing called a man doesn’t wait 2 years to ask out the girl he likes! No! A man is quick to action and decisive. If he likes a girl he goes right up and asks her out. If he hasn’t made any obvious moves within a certain period of time, he’s clearly not interested, or he’s not a man, either way, the lady ain’t interested and he’s blown his chances.

Of course there are other reasons too, like the woman in question is just not interested in the guy at all and never would have been no matter how he’d behaved. Still, I suspect that’s much more rare than guys are lead to believe. I think women are attracted to confidence and decisiveness and to someone who will make the first move, and I think that guys who regularly find themselves in the friend-zone are not very good at displaying these particular attributes. I think this ‘real man’ myth thing that we’re all taught is a big problem but I’ll address that in a future post.


What the hell does this have to do with crazy bitches?

A guy can’t be in the friend-zone without a female participant. It’s one of those “It take’s two to tango” sorta deals. In all fairness, there are plenty of women out there who don’t even know that they’ve friend-zoned a guy because he’s never indicated that he wanted anything more than friendship. Shit, some women wouldn’t even realise that they’re even ‘friends’ with some of the guys who think have been friend-zoned.

What’s important for the women on the other side of these friend-zone situations to recognise however, is that these guys are throwing hints at you in exactly the same way that you do to towards the guys you’re actually interested in. These are almost always really, really shy guys. There’s a huge crossover between the constantly friend-zoned guy and the low self-esteem/low self-confidence guy.

It’s this low self-esteem and low self-confidence part that leads us to the crazy bitches aspect of the friend-zone.

The crazy bitch approach

Ladies, it’s not your fault if you have unintentionally friend-zoned a guy. That’s his problem. He needs to make it clear that he’s interested in you, and until he does, it’s on him. Once it has become clear, however, you do have a level of responsibility to let him know if you’re interested or not. A normal girl will find a way to do this and a nice girl will do this sooner, rather than later.  A crazy bitch on the other hand, will behave in a very different way.

The crazy bitch doesn’t let the guy down easy, she doesn’t clearly indicate that she’s either interested or not. No, the crazy bitch delights in the knowledge that someone is interested in her. The crazy bitch encourages the guy to remain in the friend-zone. Knowing that she could have him at the drop of a hat gives her a sense of power and feeds her want for attention. The crazy bitch ignores the fact that the guy in question is constantly having his feelings bruised because that’s not important to her, what’s important is that she has something he wants and by encouraging him but withholding it, she has power and control over him.

The crazy bitch doesn’t stop there. She enjoys using this power and control to convince him to do things for her. She degrades him by telling her friends she has him ‘wrapped around her little finger’. She laughs about him with her friends. She resents him for daring to think someone of his ‘level’ could ever attain someone of her ‘level’. Despite resenting him, she still wants his attention and if he should ever seem to lose interest, she’ll prod him with an sms or facebook like or some other little method of hinting that he might still have a shot. The crazy bitch will drain the guy of attention until he’s an empty shell of his former self.

Ever heard of a succubus?

Yep, she’ll suck but he won’t like it.


The Clinger

The majority of guys will take the rejection on the chin and move on if they’re told clearly that the girl isn’t interested. The Crazy Succubus Bitches who take advantage of guys who they’ve knowingly caught in their friend-zone traps don’t really have any control over those guys once the guy wakes up to the bullshit and recognise the succubus for the monster she really is.

Like I said before, it takes two to tango. Enter the Clinger. The Clinger is that guy who is head over heals in love with a girl who has made it absolutely clear she’s not interested in. The clinger is like the friend-zone cranked up to maximum. Guys who go full Clinger tend to be at best, going through a rough time and focusing on the wrong solution, and at worst delusional stalker psychopaths.

The Clinger will not take no for an answer regardless of how many ways it is said to him. He believes that he and the target of his desires are ‘meant to be’ and unfortunately for him, a shitload of fairytales have told him that if he just keeps at it, she’ll finally fall head over heels in love with him.

Clinger 2


Nope. Not gonna happen. You know why? Because The Clinger exhibits the opposite traits that most women are looking for. Sure, he might actually be a lovely guy, hell he might actually be perfect for the girl he’s interested in but she’s already said she’s not interested and Clinger behaviour is the least attractive behaviour there is. It’s like vagina repellant. Clingers are creepy. Clingers are awkward. Clingers are too invested. Clingers ignore reality. Sometimes Clingers even ignore restraining orders!

The best way to ensure you never ever end up with the girl you’re interested in is to go stage 5 Clinger on her. So guys, please don’t be a Clinger and if you have a mate that’s trapped in Clingonville, help him wake the fuck up and stop humiliating himself.

The Succubus + Clinger combo of doom

Sometimes the worst combination of all friend-zone varieties occurs. This destructive, doomed pairing is that of Succubus plus Clinger. It’s atrocious. When this devastating duo team up, chaos follows.

In scenario one, the Succubus has zero interest in the Clinger but he would lay down his life for a smile from his beloved. The short version of this story is that you end up with the Clinger being completely annihilated. The Clinger gives and gives and gives until there’s nothing left of him. The Succubus takes and takes and takes with pure joy until the Clinger, devoid of any remaining life force, disappears into oblivion forever. He is lost to all his friends and family and the Succubus simple targets a new soul to devour.

That scenario is actually better than the alternative of this version, in which the Clinger finally realises that he’s been used and abused by a monster and he sets about to eliminate the Succubus. This never ends well. It’s no good for anyone involved and also often results in the Succubus being lost to all her friends and family forever.

The worst of these worst case scenarios is a slight oddity amongst them in that it actually involves a succubus who thinks she might be interested in the Clinger but just can’t make up her mind. The fact that she is sometimes interested drives the poor Clinger even more insane than he already is, and his clinging gets worse, pushing the Succubus away. She comes back though because despite his clinginess being unpleasant, she adores the attention and maybe, just maybe, she could be interested, as long as he could ease up a little.

He can’t ease up a little though, can he? He’s so terrified of losing her that he does everything he can to make sure she stays with him! Down they go into a spiral of running away and running back and chasing too hard and freaking out about losing each other and it all turns into a massive pile of shit. That shit doesn’t just smother the Clinger and the Succubus. It splatters out all over their friends and their families and even complete strangers who suffer the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

This situation, this is the worst of all. It explodes and destroys homes and businesses and families and friendships and everything else within range. The only solution I’ve ever seen come even remotely close to resolving this is relocation of either the Clinger or the Succubus to a completely separate location and cutting all contact with their partner in turmoil. Even with such drastic measures. it’s still not a certain fix.

The moral of it all

Guys, if you’re interested in a girl, get over your bullshit and let her know. Stop hoping she’ll figure it out from your hints. That goes for the ladies too. Stop fucking hinting. Rejection is a part of life. Getting rejected isn’t so bad. Learning to deal with rejection is far better than being afraid of it for the rest of your life and being too scared to take a shot at the women you’re interested in. In other words, grow a pair and have crack at it.

Ladies, treat the guys that are interested in you with respect. It’s a huge compliment to you and a horribly vulnerable situation for the guy. Yes it does suck that you have to figure out a way to let the guy down if you’re not interested but that’s a part of life too. Trust me, there are plenty of girls out there who would loooovvvvve to know that they’re so attractive that they actually have to turn guys down on a regular basis. Don’t be wishy washy about it either. You’re better off being blunt and leaving him with no hope than to give a Clinger any sort of incentive. You don’t have to be cruel, just tell him you’re not interested.

Crazy bitch tip: Find someone who you’re actually interested in and exchange attention with them. Do not yourself become a Succubus.

Clinger tip: She’s not fucking interested, mate. She’s being a complete bitch to you and she’s not worth your time. WAKE UP FROM YOUR FUCKING FAIRYTALE AND JOIN US IN REALITY.


One more thing

Whenever I see the term friend-zone come up, I always see comments to the effect that anybody stuck in the friend-zone is expecting sex in exchange for being a decent person. That’s bullshit. I’m sure there are some misguided massive douches out there who actually fall into that category but the vast majority are guys who actually have feelings for the girl they feel friend-zoned by. They’re not thinking about sex, they’re hearing this girl they love go on and on about how badly the guys she goes out with treat her and they’re sitting there thinking, “she says she wants a nice guy, I’m a nice guy, why the hell doesn’t she consider me as an option?”.

Most of these friend-zoned guys are actually nice guys who just don’t have the confidence to tell the girl they like that they’re interested. They’re not monsters like the revolting bag of shit porridge in this article. Wanting sex in exchange for being nice is moronic and gross. Wanting a girl you like to stop telling you how nice you are while she continues to go out with cave-men is foolish but it’s not a scumbag move. Stop acting like those are the same thing.


That turned into a pretty massive post. Sorry about that.

One Response to “The friend zone”

  1. The Jesus 2014.09.13 at 5:06 am #

    This is quite possibly the most perceptive and well-stated thing ever interneted. Much respect.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: