Buy shoes that fit

14 Jun

Ladies, gentlemen, people on the spectrum that don’t identify as either, let me point out to you all that there is one rule of purchasing footwear to which you should always abide. That rule is to buy shoes that fit.

Ignoring reality

This rule applies to all adults in all circumstances (emergencies excepted). While you may be able to convince yourself that you fit into a smaller size pair of jeans than you really do by squishing your flesh and fat around until you finally get that button to hold, that only works because that’s a part of the body that happens to have flesh and fat. Either way, you’re not fooling anyone, we all still see that you don’t fit. In Australia we call this “Muffin Top”, see figure 1 and 2 below.

Figure 1: Muffin-top

Figure 1: Muffin-top

Figure 2: The classic muffin-top + tramp-stamp combo.

Figure 2: The classic muffin-top + tramp-stamp combo.

Muffin-top is unpleasant and is to be avoided but at least it’s not going to leave you permanently disfigured. Feet are a whole different world, however.

Feet are made of bones

This same effort towards self-deception does occur when it comes to footwear but it takes a bit more of a separation from reality. Behold figure 3, an instance in which the person wearing the footwear is the only person convinced that her shoes actually fit.

Figure 3: Toe danglers

Figure 3: Toe danglers

It’s quite possible that I know less about women’s shoes than anyone to have ever graced this planet, yet even I know that these don’t fit. You see, feet are made of bones, and bones aren’t as malleable as fat or flesh. You can’t really squish a bunch of bones into a poorly fitting container. This fact is the reason we see things like the “random toe overhang” or the rare but impressive “superfluous side toe”.

Toe popper

Figure 4: Toe-pop

Interestingly though, I believe this is actually a better than the disturbing trend which is rising in popularity in some of the wealthier parts of the world lately.

A trend has emerged

What trend? Yeah, umm, well… essentially there’s a brand of shoes out there that are very desirable but are designed to fit a only a few foot sizes. Instead of connecting the dots and recognising that expensive shoes should fit better than cheap shoes and that shoes that don’t fit are a bad way of spending your money, there are women out there in the modern world who are actually paying to have their feet reshaped by surgeons so that they can squeeze into the shoes they so desperately desire.

I know that my lack of fashion nous perhaps makes me a less credible voice on this matter but if you ask me, surgically modifying your body to fit it into anything is pretty fucking nuts. I’m talking crazy-bitch level nuts. I’m talking “I don’t know if your vote should be allowed to impact the democratic process of your country” nuts. I’m talking “Holy shit, some of these people are going to have children and apply the same line of thinking to them and then we’ll end up with a generation of children customised to fit into fictional daydream that relates in no way to reality” nuts.

In a bind

In case you’re unaware, a similar practice became popular in China about 900 years ago.

Apparently one of the emperor’s in house prostitutes filled out her shoes in an attractive way and also had a nice way of walking. Competitiveness being what it is amongst the wealthy, next thing you know wealthy men throughout the nation also wanted the women they owned to have a similarly nice way of filling out a shoe. Of course, it did not matter to these men that the way this was achieved was for the women’s feet to be so tightly bound that over time the bones would eventually curl and distort and grow into a shape that filled out the shoes well. Neither did these wealthy men show much concern that women whose feet were bound (often from childhood) would lose the ability to walk and would have to be carried around the place by servants. I mean, who cares right? As long as one of your favourite female possession can fill out a shoe, crippling her is a fair trade off. Totally, nothing wrong with that… unless, you know, you actually have a soul and consider mutilating and crippling people to be a bad thing.

Even going back about 700 years there were people in China fighting against this practice. They called it barbaric. An emperor even attempted to have the practice banned but no, mangled feet filling out pretty shoes continued right the way up until the early 1900s.

The Manchu Emperor Kangxi tried to ban footbinding in 1664 but failed.[1] In the 1800s (19th century), Chinese reformers challenged the practice but it was not until the early 20th century that foot binding began to die out, partly from changing social conditions and partly as a result of anti-foot binding campaigns.[2] Foot-binding resulted in lifelong disabilities for most of its subjects, and some elderly Chinese women still survive today with disabilities related to their bound feet.[3]

Totally worth it to make a shoe fit nicely.

Totally worth it to make a shoe fit nicely.

Read more about this madness at wikipedia

Progress

100 years ago the Chinese outlawed the practice of warping feet and yet here we are today with women choosing to warp their own feet purely for the sake of fashion. That’s not progress. That’s a failure to educate human beings to value their bodies above a current trend or a temporary desire. Some things just aren’t made for you and that’s ok. Your life will not be better as a result of surgically modifying your feet to fit into a pair of shoes. For the love of all that is good in the world, please consider the fact that having a functioning pair of feet is something to be thankful for and that no pair of shoes is worth risking that.

Crazy bitch tip: For fuck’s sake, stop spending money on hacking into your body so you can then spend more money on shoes that were never designed to fit you in the first place. BUY SHOES THAT FIT.

 

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