Archive | November, 2014

Lingerie can only do so much

29 Nov

If you’re buying sexy lingerie, my guess is that the reason is you’d like to feel sexy. Maybe it’s just for you, maybe it’s because you like the way your significant other reacts to seeing you in that sort of clothing. At the end of the day, though, you want to feel good about yourself and you’re throwing some of the task of helping you feel that way on the shoulders of your chosen lingerie.

The thing about that is, your undies can only really do so much to help you feel good about yourself. You’ve got to remember that it’s how you behave that’s going to matter more.

These people were at the black friday sales somewhere in America the other day, and they were all pretty intent on getting the same short supply of sexy undies. Check out how it played out…

I don’t know about the rest of you, but that’s not a turn on for me. If I was watched my significant other behave like that, the last thing I’d be thinking is getting her home to see how she looks in the lingerie she manhandled another woman to get.

If the ultimate goal of this scenario was for each woman to feel better about herself, then the actions they chose have clearly gone against that intent.

This way of thinking doesn’t only apply to wrestling strangers on the ground in apartment store to buy some discounted but still over-priced frilly bits of cloth, it applies to life in general. Keep in mind your primary goal, and consider the importance of the obstacles that come up in your path on the way to that goal before you react to them.

If, for example, you suspect that you might have to get into a fight just to get some undergarments at a discount, perhaps that won’t help your life. Perhaps, it’s not worth it. Perhaps the negative impact of being caught on video in a scrum in an underwear department on black friday will actually make you feel worse about yourself, and therefore isn’t a good decision.

Crazy bitch tip: stop and think about what’s about to play about before you decide to tackle a person to the ground over some pricey cloth.

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Don’t blame your crazy on the drugs

24 Nov

If you’re a crazy bitch who happens to also use drugs, don’t go blaming the drugs for your crazy. I know it’s tempting but that’s like blaming your car for causing an accident. The car wouldn’t have been moving if you weren’t driving it and the drugs wouldn’t be ‘controlling’ you if you didn’t put them in your system in the first place.

That’s my little PSA for the day, and it was really just a tenuous reach so that I could post this adorable video of some grandmas smoking weed for the first time.

Note, though, that these lovely ladies didn’t instantly turn in to criminals and become an aging grey and pink menace to society. No, they made millions of people laugh at their charming manner and willingness to try something new.

Crazy bitch tip: You’re at least partly responsible for the majority of drugs that get into your system, so start taking some responsibility for that shit.

Awesome weed smoking grandma tip: I’ve got no advice for you, you ladies rock!

Don’t blow kids

23 Nov

Alright, there are genuinely very few 47 year ex-cheerleaders who are married to billionaires out there in the world, but if you happen to be one of them, don’t go putting all of that in jeopardy just to randomly try to give a blowjob to a 15 year old boy.

Yeah, I know that’s pretty self evident, but it apparently wasn’t clear to this allegedly crazy bitch:

Do you think being wealthier than 99.9999999% of any human being to have ever stepped foot on our shiny little planet still couldn’t keep this woman satisfied? NOPE! Despite being so fit, healthy and stunningly attractive that she could still become an NFL cheerleader when she was nearly 40, Molly Shattuck’s life just hadn’t been interesting or exciting enough.

molly shattuck

A teenage dream… of sorts

Mrs Shattuck allegedly concluded that that giving a 15 year old boy beer and putting his cock in her mouth might chase away those billionaire boredom blues. Strangely enough, the rest of the world has some sort of problem with this scenario. I’m no expert but it might just be because both of those acts are completely illegal.

Got her!

Got her!

If you think it’s not such a big deal, stop and consider what it would sound like with the genders reversed. If the story was “47 year old man feeds 15 year old girl alcohol and performed oral sex on her”, most people would be outraged about this sick pedophile and that harm he’s done, so let’s not ignore the fact that this is dead-set abuse.

I will admit that 15 year old me would have been absolutely stoked at the idea of having a beautiful older woman do this to/for me, but the thing about that is, I was a complete idiot at 15! To be honest, being a complete idiot is pretty much your role in the world when you’re a 15 year old boy.

Let me explain something about being a 15 year old boy with all these fancy hormones running rampant through your body… you want to have sex with pretty much every female human being within reach, pretty much all the time. The mere fact that this 15 year old boy was sensible enough to know it was wrong to have sex with this modern Mrs Robinson says quite a bit about just how misguided Mrs Shattuck must have been to have a crack at it. Think about it… a 15 year old kid is saying… “I dunno, this putting my dick inside you seems like a bad idea because you’re married and 3 times my age and stuff” and she (allegedly) still decides to suck his cock on the side of the road in the middle of some ritzy neighbourhood.

And now she might be facing jail time for it. Who am I kidding? She’s married to a billionaire, so she’ll get off. Funnily enough that was what started this whole thing in the first place.

Read more about this madness at: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2822102/Former-NFL-cheerleader-47-orally-raped-15-year-old-boy-met-Instagram.html

Crazy bitch tip: don’t blow teenagers unless, you’re single and the law says you’re allowed to, and even then give yourself a chance to double check that you’re not taking advantage of their boyishness for your own cougarish urges.

ps: allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. I can’t go fighting billionaires!

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The casino

22 Nov

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80 Miles Per Hour

20 Nov

This lady isn’t a crazy bitch. I really just found this funny so I wanted to post it.

Apparently she’s not the only one who doesn’t understand the concept.

And it’s not a gender thing, either.

At least the kids get it:

Video

Tantrums don’t solve problems

19 Nov

Tantrums don’t solve your problems. When you’re a kid at least you can blame the fact that you chuck the occasional massively¬†childishness tantie on the fact that you’re actually a child. When you’re a fully grown woman, you should know better than to kick and scream like dying cockroach just because you can’t get your way.

Granted, the husband shouldn’t have posted this video. If he really loved his wife, he wouldn’t have been willing to offer her up for the world to mock. Mind you, with that sort of behaviour, you can see why he might have fallen out of love with her.

Here he is defending why he posted the video:

I don’t know if I’m being one sided here, maybe I’m just on this guy’s side because I’m a guy too, but doesn’t he seem like a normal, level-headed bloke in both the original video and in the interview?

But hey, if I am being one sided, at least the chair kicker is single now. Have at her if you’re into that sort of thing, fellas.

Crazy bitch tip: When your argument has degraded to the point that you’re kicking a chair, it’s time to consider a new approach.

Origins #2

18 Nov

Now where was I?

Oh that’s right… I was telling you about that time I consumed so much absinthe that I nearly died.

So yeah, that was a direct result of my boss’s daughter having spent the night in my bed about two weeks prior.

I know, I know. You don’t sleep with your boss’s daughter.

The thing is, I’m not the sort of guy you need to tell that to. I’m really, really, really, really careful about stuff like that.

I do my level best not to hook up with anyone if it’s going to make things weird and there’s a damned good reason behind that. I hate drama. I absolutely hate it. I avoid drama like it’s the plague and if I can see that a situation might lead to some drama down the line, I’ll stop it in its tracks.

With that said, I have slept with coworkers in the past. But I’ve been cautious about it and completely up front about the situation, so it’s never turned out awkward. If it looks like things are getting weird, I just get together with the girl and we talk it out. Half an hour later any awkwardness that was creeping in has been resolved and we all get to carry on with our lives drama free.

I’ve applied the same approach to “friends with benefits” arrangements too and it’s served me well. It’s so straight forward to me, you just be honest and up front and talk everything through. If one side is after something serious and the other is just after some fun, then it can’t happen because shit will get awkward. If we’re both on the same page though, we get to have some fun and nobody has to worry about any of the bullshit that can come about when the two parties are confused.

I hate drama. I hate secrets. I hate people’s feelings being hurt unnecessarily. So I do what I can to avoid those things.

So how did my boss’s daughter end up in my bed?

Yeah, about that…

The job

It’s not wise for me to use real names here, so we’ll call the business Everlong and we’ll call my boss’s daughter Rene. I met Rene when I started a new job way back in February 2008. I’d been freelancing since 2003 but in 2008 I worked with a client who pissed me off so badly, I decided to quit freelancing altogether just to make sure I never had to deal with them again. Let’s call that client The Department of Infuriation.

So I found a job with Everlong and it was fantastic. The people were unbelievably nice and my pay there was well above market rate. I thought I’d stumbled into a little heaven on earth.

The Boss: Tim Everlong

Rene’s father, Tim, the owner of the company, was really welcoming. He was the sort of guy I always wanted to become: successful, financially comfortable and with a lovely family.

Best of all, though… I didn’t have to deal with clients anymore!

Boss’s daughter #1: Laura Everlong

Tim’s other daughter, Laura, was the manager of the building I worked at. Just like everyone else involved in the whole Everlong operation, she was lovely. Laura was quite the stunningly attractive young woman too and I reckon every guy in the office had a crush on her. You could hardly blame them. Picture dealing with someone like this every day at work…

Picture Laura like this.

Picture Laura like this. Demure, elegant, classy, refined, and downright gorgeous.

Boss’s daughter #2: Rene Everlong

I think I met Rene at the first work function we had. Unlike her sister Laura, Rene is the sort of girl who makes sure you notice her. Where Laura is elegant and classy, Rene is brash and flirtatious. I had a girlfriend at the time who I’d been with for several years, so while I noticed Rene, I wasn’t even remotely thinking about the possibility of anything happen with her.

Like I said though, Rene likes people to know she’s there, and even though I was sitting there with my girlfriend I couldn’t help but get an eyeful of Rene’s physique. It’s not like I was trying to, it’s just that as a straight male you don’t really have a choice in the matter.

This pic is in the ballpark of what we were dealing with…

Picture Rene like this. Flirtatious, overt, attention-demanding and downright sexy.

Picture Rene like this. Flirtatious, overt, attention-demanding, a little bit inappropriate, and above all… sexy.

As the days go by

I’d go into Laura’s office every morning to say hi and we’d end up chatting for ages. I’d say we became pretty good friends, though there was always a clearly defined boundary between boss and employee, I still got away with teasing her and making cheeky remarks when other staff members definitely could not. Laura had a boyfriend, so there was never any concern about anything inappropriate happening. I think we’d both have laughed if anyone ever suggested that we were flirting because it was such a completely benign interaction.

With Rene however, it was a different story. From the outset there were plenty of moments in which it seemed like she was flirting with me, but she knew I had a girlfriend and I knew she was the boss’s daughter, so I was certain I was misinterpreting. It’s funny though, I never once had the same confusion with her sister.

Anyway, Rene was very attractive and the daughter of a millionaire, so I automatically assumed she had a boyfriend. I effectively ignored and dismissed anything that could have been taken as flirtation as friendliness or Rene having a playful personality.

Break up

But then I broke up with my girlfriend. I’d been with my her about 6 years by that point. I remember quite clearly that we broke up January 1st, 2009. New year’s day came in with a crash that year.

I wasn’t massively upset that we’d broken up. It was time for us both to move on. I was the one who effectively called it off, but it was still a big thing to end a 6 year relationship. There’s a whole other story about how things went pear-shaped with that particular ex after we broke up, but I’ll leave that for another time.

Anyway, word got around that I’d broken up with my girlfriend, and suddenly Rene is around the office a lot more. She starts coming over to my desk seemingly at random and talking to me for an hour at a time. I was still under the impression that she had a boyfriend, and she was the boss’s daughter anyway, so I continued to believe this was all just part of the friendly way of the Everlong family. I really never thought anything of it.

I remember thinking how nice Rene was to be so friendly and attentive to me when she often didn’t even need to be at the office. She didn’t work there, after all, she worked at Tim Everlong’s other business way up in the hills, miles and miles away.

Crushing

All this overt friendliness went on for quite some time and somewhere in the middle of it, Laura mentioned that Rene was single and had been for a while. After I found that out, I started to pay more attention to what Rene was doing. It started to register that she might well be flirting with me.

I’d developed a bit of a crush on Rene by this point but like I said earlier, I hate drama, so I had no intention of doing anything about it. Even if Rene was single and actually was interested, I figured she’d be on the hunt for a good looking, wealthy young man closer to her own age. I certainly wasn’t wealthy, I was 7 years older than, and more important that any of that, she was my boss’s daughter and I’d was more interested in keeping this great job than bringing unnecessary drama into my life.

If anything, I was trying to avoid encouraging her. I made sure not to drink at work functions and tried to be as non-flirtatious as possible. Unfortunately though, I have a very cheeky, playful nature, so I don’t know how well I did on that front. I secretly looked forward to the cheeky back and forths I’d have with Rene and I expect that my crush on her did show through despite my best efforts to avoid that.

To be quite honest, I’d also developed a crush on her sister, Laura. This, despite the fact that I knew full well she had a boyfriend. Laura is the sort of girl I always dreamed of being with. She has the rare attribute of elegance, which I find inordinately attractive. As with Rene though, I had no intention of doing anything about it, not only because she was my boss’s daughter, but on top of that she had a boyfriend.

The same line of thinking went for Laura anyway. Even if she happened to end up single, I would have thought her to be well out of my league.

I don’t know who I liked more.

Let me clarify something. When I say I had a crush on both these young women, that’s all I mean. A lot of my colleagues mentioned the same sort of affection for these girls. Frankly, I think it’s just nature. If you’re around attractive members of the gender you’re attracted to, you’re going to end up attracted to them.

If I was around Rene, I found myself attracted to her. When I was around Laura, I was attracted to her. I didn’t stay nights dreaming about sharing a life with either of them. I didn’t even think about them unless they were right there in front of me.

Not to mention, I thought both of these girls were way out of my league. I grew up dirt poor, never got to go to uni and think of myself as pretty average looking. These two girls are the daughters of a millionaire, studied at the best universities around and were absolutely bloody gorgeous. I didn’t see anything coming of my crushes. I just found them both attractive. To me it was a bit like having a crush on a movie starlet, you know nothing’s ever going to happen but that doesn’t change the fact that you like the idea of it.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I had a crush on Jennifer Love Hewitt too, and thought the chances of anything happening with any of these girls were all about the same.

 

Increased activity

Rene added me on Facebook. Then she started occasionally messaging me, liking my posts, and all that bullshit.

The group of us at Everlong were very social and not long after Rene added me on Facebook, we all went out to dinner. Rene made a point of sitting next to me and chatting with me all night. There were plenty of times I could have sworn she wanted me to lean in and kiss her right there in front of everyone. I was still trying to avoid allowing anything to happen but I was also becoming more and more interested in her.

After breaking up with my ex, I bought a shitty little apartment very near the Everlong building. It was the first and only property I’ve ever owned, and it came with a mortgage which I could handle, but wasn’t particularly comfortable with. Getting my own place was a big deal for me and Rene and I had been talking and joking about it all night at dinner.

After dinner I got up and said goodbye to everyone  but somehow completely missed Rene, so when I got home I sent through a quick message on Facebook to say that it was nice chatting with her.

That Facebook message conversation carried on a fair while. By this point I was pretty sure she was into me and I was sure she was trying to get me to ask her out. Even though I didn’t want any drama, I was struggling with how attracted I was to her, and I’ll cop some drama for something that’s really worthwhile.

Still, I had to tread with caution, so instead of asking her out, I mentioned that it sucked that I didn’t have many friends in the area, knowing full well she lived relatively near by. I wasn’t expecting her to ask me out but I was expecting some sort of remotely positive response. I guess I was testing the waters to see if she would mention that she knows the area and knows a lot of people around there. I was definitely not expecting the conversation to come to a screeching halt, but that’s what happened.

I re-read what I’d said. It was remotely obvious the direction I was going, but there was nothing inappropriate and I’d left her heaps of room to easily to sidestep it if that wasn’t what she was after, but she just flat-out didn’t reply. I received nothing. Bubkus. Zilch. Nada. No response at all.

Done

After about a week with no response I took the silence as an unnecessarily impolite rejection. I remember thinking “well, fuck her, then” and deciding not to waste any time talk to her any more. Like I said earlier, I like things straight-up and clear and lief has enough drama and bullshit of it’s own, so I decided I’d just find another girl.

And that’s what I did. I pretty much completely forgot Rene existed and was out and about seeing different girls and having quite a bit of fun in the process. It’s actually fair to say I was probably having too much fun. I was with a lot of girls in that period of time and none of them were anything other than fuck buddies, really.

I would have been open to more, but I just wasn’t finding that connection I was after and my philosophy is, so long as nobody is getting emotionally hurt, a bit casual sex is a great way to pass some time.

But wait… there’s more

Months later we had another work function. This was one of the big ones with all the staff from both buildings. Rene was there as expected and I avoided her, but she kept coming to sit wherever I was sitting. I’d move away and she’d find me and sit right down beside me and try and get a conversation going.

I was pissed off at her but I figured I shouldn’t be an outright arsehole about it, so I started talking with her politely. Before long we were back to our old cheeky back and forths again and yet again I was sure she was looking at me with that “kiss me” look. With that sort of interaction, I figured I had just misread her lack of response. At the end of the day, it was a facebook message, and who really gives a fuck about Facebook messages?

Still, it was a pretty shitty thing that I was trying to get something happening and she left me hanging. I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t want to go through that bullshit again, so I decided, if she wants to go out with me, she can ask me out. That way I can’t get in any trouble because I’m not the one being the aggressor.

From that point on, that’s how I played it. I allowed myself to have a crush on her but I wasn’t thinking about her aside from when I’d see her. When she was around I didn’t hide the fact that I was attracted to her but I didn’t ask her out or push for anything in that direction.

Heaven got dark

Remember how I said Everlong was a little slice of heaven on earth? Well, it was when I started but that all changed when they brought in a new project manager for my team. This guy… let’s call him Gus, turned out to be an absolute sociopath. I didn’t realise that at the time though.

I didn’t understand that what he was doing was slowly trying to break my spirit, and the spirit of everyone else in the team. I didn’t recognise that he wasn’t interested in us doing a good job. I didn’t recognise that he was only interested in making himself look good to the owner of the company, so that Tim would give him more power and control over us, and eventually more of the company.

If you want to get a picture of Gus going in your head, think of Gustavo Fring from Breaking Bad…

Yep, he’s just like the guy with the box cutter, minus the murder (as far as I know, though it wouldn’t surprise me).

I also didn’t realise there is a name for what Gus was doing. It’s called workplace bullying and harassment. See, Gus would assign me impossible tasks and then complain that I hadn’t done them well enough. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I hate falling short of what I’ve been assigned, so sometimes I’d actually manage to achieve the ridiculous things he’d demand, but even when I did, there was no thanks, no credit, no reward. There was just another impossible task lumped on me to achieve.

In addition to that, Gus would make little snide and underhanded remarks. He’d say things like “maybe we need a better developer” after I’d spent a month coming in before everyone else and finishing hours later than I was paid to just to complete some batshit concept he wanted implemented, despite it being obvious to anyone with half a clue how business actually works that it was a bad choice in the first place.

Don’t forget, I was a freelancer for several years. I knew how to run a business and I knew which ideas were worth implementing and which weren’t. Let me tell ya, Gus had no friggin idea what he was doing. He’d manipulated his way into a position of power and he was loving watching us all squirm as he slowly grabbed for more and more control. He’d managed to get our original manager demoted and ostracised. He’d also managed to drive a wedge between the staff at the two buildings, resulting in internal bickering where there’d been very little beforehand.

The impact

After a year of that I was starting to crack. Again, I didn’t realise it at the time, but Gus was doing a lot of the same shit that my stepfather had done to me while I was growing up. It’s horrible. It makes you feel like you’re worthless.

The difference between Gust and my stepfather was, I could always get away from my stepfather or just flat out ignore him, but Gus had control over my income, and by having control over my income, he also had the ability to cut off my ability to pay off my mortgage. Yeah, I know all about unfair dismissal laws but I also knew the bank wouldn’t give two shits about why the money stopped coming in, and that shitty little apartment was all I had. It was so early on in the repayments too, that I wouldn’t have made any money from appreciation and the market was quiet at the time, so I was worried I’d potentially make a loss if I did have to sell up.

After a year of that sort of stress, I was in serious need of a holiday and I scheduled a trip to Europe. Yes, you’re right to think I’d have been better off putting that money in the bank and looking for another job, but when you’ve been under intense stress and pressure for at least a year, logic starts to fail you, and you start to look for ways to ease the never ending discomfort you’re experiencing.

I guess I was so stressed out with all this shit that I completely forgotten Rene existed. I hadn’t been in touch with her for ages but the day I was about to fly out, she sent through this sweet little message wishing me a really fun trip and telling me that she was looking forward to hearing about my adventures when I got back. I thought it was nice but she was the last thing on my mind.

That’s enough for now…

Alrighty… that’s enough for now. I’ll get back to this in Origins #3 when I’ll continue to explain how my boss’s daughter ended up in my bed.

Crazy bitch tip: Be honest with people. It simplifies things.

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