Archive | March, 2015
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Welcome to Wendy’s 

20 Mar

  

Crazy bitch tip: be sure your clothing is appropriate for your workplace.

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Emoji analysis

19 Mar



From whence he came

19 Mar

From whence he cameIn case the image is difficult to read, it says:

“He may have came out of your vagina woman but now he cums in mine. I call the shots now, not you”
– some chick on twitter

How about nobody calls the shots? There’s no reason for anyone to call the shots for someone else. If your boyfriend’s mother and you disagree on what’s best, who gives a shit? You should be more interested in what he wants than getting your way. He’s not a piece of property.

If you think this way about your boyfriend, or about your son, there’s something very wrong. If you care about someone, your primary focus should be on their happiness, not on how you can make sure nobody else loves them or has influence over them. That’s fucking weird, ok?

Crazy bitch tip: It’s rarely a good choice to tweet about your boyfriend’s mother’s vagina, or the semen your boyfriend deposits in your vagina. It’s definitely a bad idea to do both at the same time.

Origins #12

18 Mar

It had been a pretty crazy night full of sexual advances and drunken emotions.

I was still in bed with my boss’s daughter, Rene Everlong, and after all the ups and downs of the night, things were finally coming to a gentle equilibrium of something like a normal scenario between a man and woman in bed. Despite all the crying, singalongs, and strange statements throughout the night, we were somehow back to kissing and touching and things were heating up.

I was into things heating up, but in the back of my mind I was still thinking, “this is your boss’s daughter.” Combine that with the fact that she’d been drinking and I wasn’t totally sold on the idea of sleeping with her then and there. I figured the night had been so dramatic that we’d be better off just leaving it until we were both in a better state of mind.

Rene, on the other hand, seemed to be thinking quite differently. The way she was reacting to what was happening was in no way understated, but after being so erratic through the night, I wasn’t sure what that meant. So, I started testing the waters, so to speak.

Rene was on her back with her legs raised a little, bent at the knees, and her knees together. I ran my fingertips along her inner thigh as lightly as I could. She shivered. I ran a finger tip along underneath lip of her underwear, between the cloth and her flesh. Her thighs tightened and relaxed repeatedly in short bursts.

The Knee Pull

For any guys reading who are new to getting up to fun stuff with girls, there’s a huge problem when it comes to girls not being willing (or sometimes even able) to say what they want through the use of words. That means that us guys have to learn to be at least semi-literate when it comes to body language to help ensure we never do anything that is unwanted/unwelcome.

There are many points along the way at which a girl will let you know if she’s interested in going to the next level with you or not. One of the best signals I’ve ever come across is what I’ll call “the knee pull”.

The knee pull is, for those who like to use the baseball analogies, for when you’re looking at rounding 3rd base. For the Aussie readers, that means heading towards her map of Tassie.

"Map of Tassie" is Aussie slang. Do you get it yet?

“Map of Tassie” is Aussie slang. Do you get it yet?

How about now?

How about now?

Anyway, the move is simple. A gentle pull on your partners knee hints very clearly at where you intend to go. If there’s strong resistance, that’s a big red light. If there’s mild resistance, that can be either due to shyness/indecision, or fear of turning you down. Consider it an amber light and proceed with extreme caution and don’t be arsehole about it if it becomes clear it’s a no. If there’s little to no resistance, that’s a green light for you to explore a little further. It’s very important to point out, however, it is not a green light for everything you want to do, but it does mean the gates are being opened for now.

Back to the proceedings

I gently slid my hand between Rene’s knees and made a deliberate, but not forceful, movement to bring her right knee away from her left, obviously parting her legs in the process. She went with it. Her eyes closed softly, she took a big, deep breath, arched her back and bit her lip.

lip-biteThat’s a green light if ever there was one.

Green her side, amber on mine

As far as I was concerned, that was confirmation that we could really get into things. I still wasn’t sold on the idea though. The last thing I wanted was to be dealing with a situation later where I was thought to have taken advantage of my boss’s daughter. Even with her being so clearly into it, I still had to decide for myself.

While I was trying to decide, I continued to run my finger tip, then fingertips, and eventually nearly my whole hand, under the lip of Rene’s underwear. I played it like I was teasing her to make the moment more intense, while I was actually just trying to figure out how far I wanted to take this situation, and just how much of a risk I was up for.

I was clearly doing something right because Rene was visibly anticipating my next move.

Hesitation

Back to you guys who are just getting started with hooking up with girls for a second. There’s an old saying that goes “He who hesitates, masturbates.” The point of that saying is that, if you want to get laid, you don’t slow things down, and you sure as hell don’t stop.

In this situation though, I wasn’t looking to get laid. I came to that realisation as I was there with my fingers sliding under Rene’s underwear. I definitely wanted to sleep with Rene, just not then. Not when she was drunk and I was drunk and there’d been so much crying and drama in the night. I figured it just wasn’t the right time and wasn’t worth the risk.

Still, Rene had put in so much effort to get herself into my bed, I figured the least I could do was relieve some of that built up tension for her and decided I’d let my fingers do the talking. I thought that’d be a reasonably middle ground. In hindsight, it’s just as stupid as going the whole way but I thought it was the right way to go at the time.

So with that decision made, and Rene writhing next to me, I dragged my hand down along her thigh and stopped just before my destination. This time I really was trying to be a tease. But I wasn’t holding out this time. This time, as I kissed her neck, I moved my hand directly to where I’d been threatening to land this whole time.

I was absolutely right about the level of enthusiasm Rene had for what was happening. There was no mistaking what I found. I don’t want to be too descriptive here, but I liked everything about what I found. In fact, I remember thinking “Oh my fucking God. It’s perfect!” Not only was I extremely happy with what I’d found, I was impressed and somewhat surprised at just how much of an impact my teasing had caused.

But that moment didn’t last very long.

You’re so dirty

Rene shuddered with the arrival of my hand and squeezed her legs back together, pushing her hips up as she let out a big gasp. Naturally, she was dealing with a huge level of sensation after such a long build up, and in the process of her reaction, I pulled my hand back a little and rested in on her thigh.

I was still trying to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything even remotely unwanted, so I went gently as I went to put my hand back where it had just been. As I did, Rene pulled her legs together and let out this little giggly shivering noise and took a deep breath. She was jittering with anticipation but seemed shy at the same time.

I remember this next moment very clearly. I moved my lips to her ear and whispered “I just want to make you cum.”
Rene leaned into me and breathed out the words, “You’re so dirty” with a big smile on her face.

In the moment, it was obvious that she wanted what I was suggesting but was also embarrassed about wanting it. With any other girl, I’d have taken the lead and pushed past her feigned resistance of pulling her legs closed, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that with my boss’s daughter while she was drunk, so I did the same thing, but in a much less aggressive way.

I again grabbed her knee to separate her legs, gently as before. Again her legs parted, but with a bit more resistance this time. I dragged my hand down her thigh again, not pausing this time, just heading straight for my goal but Rene’s legs shut on my hand before I could get there.

I kissed her neck. We kissed each other. I pushed my hand gently again in the direction that everything had been leading the whole night. Rene giggled and closed her legs.

Done

I have to admit, I was pretty confused by this point. I took it to mean that Rene didn’t want that to happen, so I stopped trying. With any other girl I might have tried a little harder because of all the signs were otherwise suggesting I should, but I was already going out on a limb and with all the drama, tears, and confusion, I was done.

cutI could go into what I think was going on in Rene’s head and what I could have/should have done differently but all of that will come up later down the track. Trust me, I’ve thought about the situation far more than I would have liked to and far more than with any other girl, for reasons which will become clear as the story continues.

All I was thinking at the time was, we’ll get back to this another time when we’re both sober.

To sleep

It must have been about 3am by the time I decided I wasn’t going to try any more. I don’t remember how we transitioned from that state of extreme excitement to being asleep, I just remember that we were spooning as I drifted off.

I do remember quite vividly however, waking up at some point in the night and looking over to see Rene Everlong in my bed and having to acknowledge to my now much more sober self, that it wasn’t a dream, that I had indeed hooked up with my boss’s daughter.

My internal discussion went something like this:
“What were you thinking?”
“Come on, it’s not so bad. I’m genuinely into her and we didn’t really get up to much”
“She’s in your bed and she’s half naked”
“Yeah but we didn’t do anything serious. I did a good job of not letting it go too far”
“She’s half naked in your bed, that’s way too far. This is the sort of thing people get fired over.”
“Fuck.”

I've made a huge mistakeI was beating myself up pretty badly, I mean sure I was into Rene, but not enough to lose my job over it. With Steve Jobs doing his best to kill Flash, I wasn’t going to have much luck in the job market and I had to be able to pay my mortgage.

I looked at Rene and noticed that she was smiling in her sleep and I thought that was really cute, but with her glasses off, her hair a mess, her make up mostly gone, and out of her carefully selected clothes, she didn’t carry the same impression she usually gave off. There was something more honest and genuine about Rene in that moment. There was no undisclosed agenda, no guess work, no misdirections to unravel, she was just an ordinary girl asleep in my bed.

I’m not quite sure what made me think this, but it occurred to me that she was just a terrified little girl trying to get by with all the same self-consciousness and feelings of inferiority that we’re all subject to. Right then and there it seemed that all her confidence, flirtation and exaggeration were all just parts of a show she puts on to hide the fact that she has no idea what she’s doing.

With all the work that Rene usually puts into her appearance removed, I could see what Rene really looked like. In the moonlight I saw a few features that I hadn’t picked up on before. I feel bad admitting this but I thought,

“She’s not really as pretty as she tries to convince everyone. She’s good at choosing the right clothes and things that flatter her but maybe I’m not as attracted to her as I thought I was. Maybe the alcohol got the better of me and I just fucked up. This is going to be a problem.”

It’s fucking creepy to watch people sleep!

I just want to point out that I totally agree that it’s creepy to watch people sleep, but everything I’ve just described happened in a couple of seconds. It happened just after I woke up and just before I got up to use the bathroom. I wasn’t hovering over her examining her, like some weirdo, I just looked at her when I woke up and contemplated the situation I was in for a few seconds before stumbling off to the dunny.

I tell you what, climbing back into bed with your boss’s daughter after you’ve started to sober up and are full of regret is one of the weirdest moments I’ve ever had, but I did it. I climbed back into my own bed in my own shitty little apartment and made sure to sleep facing the other way to Rene.

I knew tomorrow was going to be challenging, so I shut my eyes, tried not to think and despite the beginnings of a hangover, the darkness kicked in and drew to a close the night my boss’s daughter slept over.

There’s way more to come

There’s no denying that a bunch of crazy shit had already happened up to this point, but that’s only the beginning. I’ll be back to tell you what happened from the very awkward next morning onwards in Origins #13.

Look out for the Monster

16 Mar

I don’t like this lady.

I’d actually be surprised if one of the points this level 2000+ “Christian” is talking about weren’t intentionally included by the people who make Monster. I mean, it is called Monster after all, so putting a sneaky version of 666 on the can isn’t implausible.

But why would she think a company named “Monster” would be laying claim to being a Christian company in the first place?

There are many points to pick apart in the woman’s flawed analysis, and I’m sure plenty of other people have already done that, and I’d prefer to focus on something different, here. My major concern with this video is that the leading lady has somehow come to the conclusion that she can take down a company that serves the antichrist by sticking some printed bits of paper to a piece of cardboard and telling regular people about the evil plot she’s uncovered.

Think about how crazy you’d have to be if you truly believed that the world’s fate is endangered by a satan worshiping company that’s busy selling us all devil enriched fairy-dust water as a means for the antichrist to infiltrate. OK, so now you’ve got that in your head, imagine that your best efforts to save the world from satan’s insidious attack was to… stick pictures to a piece of cardboard and talk to people about it every now and then when you have a captive audience.

Wouldn’t you be out there with a tank taking down the factories where they can this demonic drink? Wouldn’t you be getting on the news and letting the world know?

Apparently not. Apparently the risk of satan swallowing up all that is good and holy is not enough for this Christian lady to go beyond the “I stuck this shit to this shit and told people about it” phase of attempting to save us from old man fire-pants.

Crazy bitch tip: When you reach the stage of adhering pictures to a big piece of board, beware, you may well be heading directly into crazy town.

Bonus random extra

It’s funny, I was thinking about how to write this one up and I remembered how Monster used to taste so bad that they had to make a new version of it, and then make an ad about how terrible the old one tasted.

Turns out, I was wrong. It wasn’t Monster, it was another energy drink brand called Mother. So, for all of “satan’s” hard work with the 666 and whatnot, I’d have to say the whole branding thing isn’t working quite as strongly as Ms anti-Monster seemed to think.

Pointing the chubby hypocritical finger

15 Mar

Chubby thiefIn case the image is difficult to read, it says:

I make my husband weight gain/protein bars to take to work (he forgets to eat) and I make a bunch of them at once for him to keep in his desk. The desks do not lock as per company policy.

He noticed some missing and asked his boss if they could point one of the security cameras toward his desk to see what’s going on.

It turns out one of his coworkers was stealing and eating them. The boss had talk with her and she did get in a bit of trouble.

But now she wants to sue my husband and I for her weight gain. The bars are around 400 calories each and she was stealing at least 2 a day. She ended up gain over 20 pounds.

What’s the likelihood that she could actually win a case against us?

– someone on Reddit whose username I don’t know (originally found at: http://i.imgur.com/kv4AjA6.jpg)

So, some fatty boombalada has been stealing food from someone else’s desk drawer, scarfing them down and put on about 10kg in the process. Then when the thief got called out on it, she connected the dots that the food she was stealing contributed to her enfattening, and instead of being ashamed and humiliated of her own actions, has instead decided that she is within her rights to take legal action against the victims of her thievery for getting her fat.

That, my friends, is the mindset of a crazy bitch!

If you steal food from someone and make yourself fat in the process of eating that stolen food, that’s on you! Only a crazy bitch or a massive douche would dare to think of suing the victim of their crime in such a scenario.

Crazy bitch tip: Do not commit a crime and then blame your victims for the impact of your crime.

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Take it as a sign…

13 Mar

Pole dancing fail

So, apparently these photos are evidence of an epidemic of prostitutes in New Zealand trying to attract business by showing off their skills on the public street signs. Looks like it didn’t work out too well for this particular lady of the night.

If you want to read more about how the Kiwis are tackling this unique issue, check out this article

Crazy bitch tip: If you feel you absolutely have to pole dance in public using a street sign, at least check it’s up to the challenge before you start.

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