Archive | June, 2015

Origins #17

30 Jun

I’d sent through an sms to Rene suggesting that we talk about things in person rather than by text and was waiting for her response.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait very long for a reply on that occasion. Rene replied within a few minutes. She said something like:

Yes. Let’s talk about it in person. I know you’re without a car at the moment, so how about we meet up in the city and talk it out over a coffee.

Sure, going to the city seemed weird considering Rene clearly knew I didn’t have a car and it would be just as easy for her to drive to my place or meet at a cafe nearby, but all things considered, I thought that was a decent outcome. We weren’t making it a huge deal, we were just going to talk it over and figure it out from there, plus, we’d be hanging out, so that was a win too.

On the flip-side, we were organizing a very, very strange first date.

awkward dateThat all happened Tuesday afternoon and we planned to meet up in the city at 7pm Wednesday for our chat.

Can you keep a secret?

If you recall, Rene made me promise not to tell anyone what we’d gotten up to. I had kept my promise. That meant that all of this was being done without anyone else knowing what was going on, or at least not on my side, I have no idea who Rene told or didn’t tell.

If I wasn’t sworn to secrecy I’d have found someone to talk to about how to handle the night ahead, but that wasn’t an option, so, I instead spent a lot of that Wednesday trying to not think about the situation. That was a challenge.

Trying not to overthink it and trying not to ignore it completely. Trying to come up with ways to give Rene an easy out if she really wasn’t into it and trying to come up with ways to figure out if she was just scared. Trying to figure out how to proceed given the two potential outcomes. All while trying not to think about it and trying to ignore the ridiculous workload I was dealing with at the time considering I was at work, y’know, at the company her father owned. A challenge indeed.


I don’t remember the exchange too well, but I know that between me finishing work and the time Rene and I were meant to meet, we had an sms back-and-forth which makes me cringe pretty severely.

I guess we were discussing exactly where to meet and somehow got onto other things. I know that I was trying to give Rene an easy out in case she was freaking out. The part of the conversation that I do remember and still makes me cringe, went something like this.

Don’t stress too much about tonight, I always thought you were way out of my league anyway.

I think that whole leagues thing is B.S.

Easy for you to say, you’re playing in the majors 😉

I mean, who does that, honestly?

honestlyYes, I used a smiley. Yes, I was effectively telling her I thought she was too good for me and that I wasn’t confident that she should be interested in me. Yes, I was doing a piss-poor job of attempting to lighten the mood and make things easier on us both by trying to make a joke. Yes, I still cringe at the slightest thought of that exchange. Hopefully writing it down gets it out of my head forever, ’cause yeeeeesh I’d like to forget that one.

To the city!

The time had come to head to the city, and public transport was going to be a pain in the arse, so I got a cab. That poor cabbie, he had no idea what was coming when I got in. He asked me where I was off to and out poured the whole story about how I hooked up with my boss’s daughter and how she seemed to be buggin’ out and how my boss had already made it very clear he was pissed about the whole thing and blah blah blah! Poor bloke! Clearly trying to keep that secret was proving a challenge and this anonymous stranger who couldn’t escape was at my blurting mercy. Don’t feel too bad for him, there was so much traffic that the 5 minute drive lasted half an hour, so he got some good cash out of it and he had a good laugh about the situation with me, or at least I think he did, I’m not entirely sure he spoke English.

Anyway, I was now dropped off in the city and wandering towards a coffee shop I’d never heard of even though there are about a thousand coffee shops within a few steps of my place. I was still trying to find the place when my phone started to ring, of course it was Rene.

Rene tells me that she’s stuck in traffic and it looks like there’s no hope of her getting a parking spot. The best course of action, Rene had decided, was for me to meet up with her at the Bell Tower, where she’d pick me up and we’d head off somewhere else for our coffee.

Look, at this point I figured as long as we get to have the conversation we needed to have, that’s good enough. Where, when and how, didn’t matter a whole lot. Good thing too, because the traffic was so bad that I’d be waiting at least half an hour for Rene to even get to the Bell Tower.

To The Bell Tower!

No worries. The Bell Tower isn’t too hard to get to from the middle of the city, so off I headed towards it, but even that would prove to be eventful. For starters, the footpaths were as busy as the roads, which meant even walking was slow-going. It turns out that when the city you live in is blocked up like a drain full of hair, you tend to see people you know.

As I walked down the main street towards the Bell Tower I heard someone yelling out my name. I discovered that the origin of the noise was my mate Chico, who was half hanging out of a car sitting in the jam-packed main street. Chico called me over and asked if I was “going to the show?”

I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about so Chico kindly explained that Powderfinger, my favourite band, who were doing their farewell tour around Australia, had put on two extra shows due to overwhelming demand, and that was why he, and several thousand other people, were in the city that night.

I knew Powderfinger were playing Friday, because I was going to that show, but this Wednesday night show was news to me. Chico asked what I was doing in the city that night. I fell into an impressively stupified ‘Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’ and eventually explained that I couldn’t tell him. That, of course, only triggered more questions. I promised I’d explain at some point but that right now was not the time. He was still trying to get it out of me when the traffic finally started moving enough that he had to drive on.

But wait! That’s not all!

My phone starts to ring again. This time it’s my friend Becky. Becky had previously worked at Everlong, but had quit due to frustrations from having to work under Gus. Becky and I had gone out several times but it was always a weird “we’re not really going out” scenario because we worked at the same place, but since she’d quit we’d gotten a bit more familiar and would talk on the phone for ages and ages. There wasn’t anything particularly romantic between us at this point and we would talk to each other about all the details of our lives. For me, what was happening with Rene would be a prime conversation to have with her, but instead I had to pretend nothing was happening.

Becky naturally asked what I was up to and explained that it sounded like I was somewhere busy.

I was on the spot and had to come up with an explanation that made sense, so I told her I was down at the Chesterfield waiting for people to show up. How cunning, she wouldn’t even know I was in the city! It was genius! Except it wasn’t, because Becky proceeded to inform me that she was stuck in traffic in the middle of the city right near The Bell Tower.

So, now I’m busy on the phone with Becky, doing my best to not look like me, as I walk directly towards where I know she is. In the meantime, I have no idea how far away Rene is and I have to make sure she can recognise me if she’s there already. Rene of course can’t tell me where she is because she’s busy driving, Becky on the other hand has hands free and can talk as much as she wants… and I’m apparently only waiting for mates to show up at the Chesterfield, so I’ve obviously got time. I also can’t tell Becky that I’ve gotta get off the phone because people have arrived because anyone who would be meeting me at the Chesterfield would be someone Becky would know and she would always ask me to pass the phone to people she knew.

Man, I thought this would be bloody simple!

I don’t remember exactly how I made it to The Bell Tower without Becky seeing me. I seem to recall that she said something about having to focus on driving because her car was manual and that at least helped me get off the phone with her. Becky never had the best eye sight, so luckily enough, she didn’t spot me and I didn’t have to explain why I’d just flat out lied to her.


I finally made it to the Bell Tower parking area where I was supposed to wait for Rene. And there I waited. I don’t have a clue how long it took but it felt like an hour. Then in rolled Rene, in her fancy little BMW, looking somewhat flustered from the frustrations of traffic. I climbed into her car and off we went to continue one of the most confusing evenings of my life.

Next time…

Next time on how not to be a crazy bitch:

  • “Very smooth by the way”
  • Someone touches a bum
  • Someone nearly burps out a burger
  • Someone pulls a matrix-esque dodge
  • More mega cringey moments

Seeya then!

Origins #16

21 Jun

Monday had been more dramatic than I would have liked, but I made it through. I thought what had happened with her father making it very clear he knew she’d spent the night at my place was fair enough. If anything, it was reasonably gentle given what I assumed he believed happened.

It wasn’t ideal to have everyone gossiping about me and constantly sending through jokes and mocking me by email and in person, but I could handle it, and I figured it’d be worth it in the long run. Technically speaking, Rene and I didn’t get up to that much, so I wasn’t lying too severely, and I assumed everyone would get over it in a few days anyway and that’d be it.

Radio silence comes to an end

I hadn’t communicated with Rene since our sms conversation about going out. We’d planned to catch up Wednesday night and figure out the details during the day beforehand.

In the meantime, I’d started getting optimistic about seeing Rene. It had occurred to me that it would all have to be under-the-radar. That added an aspect of naughtiness, cheekiness and fun to it. I’d been wanting to get out to more movies and shows and suddenly I had the chance to do exactly that with someone I really liked.

It was such a great opportunity to have the chance to get to know someone I’d been crushing on for a long time, while knowing that it had to stay chilled out for a fair while because it’s such a weird situation. I expected that Rene and I would end up sleeping with each other, and I was of course looking forward to that, but I had no plans to rush the physical side of things because I figured if Tim Everlong were to find out his daughter had been seeing one of his employees, it’d better be extremely obvious that it was clear there was genuine interest there, and not just a casual sexual relationship.

Great Expectations

I was definitely optimistic, but I didn’t have any long term expectations. I just wanted to let it play out.

I was excited that I liked her and that she liked me. Sadly enough, that was the first time in my life that I’d had a situation where both parties seemed to be on the same level of interest. I didn’t think that meant it would go anywhere, I just thought it’d be cool to experience that at long last.

Maybe we’d get to know each other and the spark would fizzle out, or maybe things would progress. I remember thinking, “Whatever, no point worrying about any of that shit now. Just go out a few times and see how that goes.”

So, yeah, I was excited and optimistic and thought it’d be fun. Regardless of any potential future, at least I’d be spending time with someone I was genuinely interested in. Above that, I was stoked that I’d have a partner in crime. That I might finally be able to end up having so much fun out of work that I could forget all the pressure Gus had been putting me under at work.

Optimism is for suckers

If I recall correctly, it was about 2pm on the Tuesday of that week as I sat at my desk at work when I received a message from Rene. It was a bit of a surprise to get a message from her. I was in for even more of a surprise when I looked at the message itself. It was a very, very long sms. It was so long that I had to scroll repeatedly to get through the whole thing. I don’t remember exactly what it said verbatim, but I’ll try and paraphrase it so you get the gist:

Hey, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think we should go out. I’ve been going through so much lately and everything’s so complicated and I don’t think now’s a good time and I just don’t think it’s a good idea. What do you think?

I know, I know. My version is quite a bit shorter than you’d expect from my description. Look, I remember that it was a very long message and remember the gist of it, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to extend it into the epic message I remember receiving. I wish I still had the damned thing so I could do a better job of reciting it.

You’ll just have to trust me that it was that basic sentiment, stretched wayyyyyy out.

I should have seen that coming

I didn’t get to look at that message when it came through because I was really, really busy. With all the time I was spending putting out gossip fires with all the emails that were coming at me from every second person at Everlong about Rene staying at my place, I was seriously struggling to keep up with my already ridiculous workload. That meant it was probably 15 minutes before I’d even had a chance to open the message.

I think another reason I didn’t get to it immediately was because there was a “that might not be a good surprise” kind of randomness to it. After I’d gotten through reading the whole thing, my immediate reaction was to think to myself, “Shoulda seen that coming.”

There was no big emotional response. I felt a bit let down but I was so busy there wasn’t time for emotions. I typed in my response, “Sounds like you’ve already decided.” but I knew that Rene probably spent ages composing her message and stressing about sending it, and then waiting and worrying about my response, so I deleted it and instead, I sent:

I got your message. I can’t reply now because I’m at work. I’ll reply properly after work.

It was already a very complex scenario for me, so I thought it best not to reply without thinking about it and I hoped sending that message through would be better than leaving her hanging until I got home, which just seemed mean to me.

Thinking it over

Like I said, I was busy. I was very, very, very busy. Even just thinking about it now makes my shoulders tighten up and my jaw clench. Between being flat out, trying to quell the tide of gossip and trying not to think about Tim Everlong potentially firing me, that afternoon dragged on like a summer afternoon in the Arctic Circle.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like Rene was just scared. Unfortunately, however, I didn’t know what she thought was so complicated. I figured it couldn’t just be that I worked for her father, I mean, she obviously would have thought about that before ever hitting on me, so I assumed it must be other things I wasn’t aware of.

If it had been any other girl, I would have just said something like, “I like you and I want to spend time with you. I think you’re just scared but I can’t decide for you. Let me know what you decide.”

But this wasn’t just any girl. I was already in way deeper than I would be with any other girl. As far as I was concerned, I’d taken a massive leap of faith for Rene and I was clearly going to be paying for it, so I’d better find out what was actually going on from her side of things. My thinking was that we’d already done the hardest part, the rest would be relatively easy.

It wasn’t just that, either. There are some things about how I grew up that meant that Rene pulling the plug could potentially open up some old wounds. Reopening those old wounds was something I’d been avoiding my entire life. That provided additional encouragement for me to actually do something rather than just letting it go.

When I finally got home from work I replied something similar to:

I understand that you’re stressed out and I get that it’s complicated, but sometimes complicated things can work out really well. I think it’s worthwhile having a go. I find this stuff really hard to do by sms. Can we meet up and talk about it at least?

Next time…

I’ll tell you what Rene’s reply was to my suggestion that we meet up to talk it over.

Origins #15

19 Jun

Picking up where I left off, I was figuring out the best way to ask out my boss’s daughter after she’d spent the night at my place. Look, to be completely honest, I can’t remember if I asked Rene out on the Sunday evening or waited ’til Monday. I think it was Sunday but gimme a break ok, it was nearly 5 years ago.

Actually, part of the reason I’m trying to write this all down is so I’ve got a half accurate version of the events that took place before I forget them all. The tough part is that it was a downright awful experience to go through, so it’s not exactly fun trying to remember it in fine detail. Anyway…

Time to ask Rene out

Unlike her sister Laura, Rene didn’t work at Everlong, so I wouldn’t be seeing her in person anytime soon. I guess I could have called her, but we’d never called each other before and after the somewhat dramatic turn of events the weekend had become, I wasn’t inclined to fall into a super awkward conversation on the phone. I instead went the SMS route. I spent a bit of time thinking about what to write, but in the end I just said exactly what I was thinking. It was something like:

Hey, wanna catch up sometime this week? Friday got a bit full on, so I reckon we find something nice and chill to do and just hang out.

Then came the always fun waiting for the response phase of the sms communication medium. I have at times stressed out like crazy while waiting for a response to a message like that, but I don’t think I was that stressed about this one. I figured that after Rene literally demanded that I ask her out, the odds were in my favour. Even if she said no, that would be a way out of a hugely complex situation anyway, so it was kinda win, win.

The response is in

Pretty quickly after sending my message to Rene, my phone uttered that classic Nokia sms received tone. Rene’s response was in: Yes. Sounds good. How about Wednesday night? Hey, hey! That was what I wanted to hear. Straight forward. Easy. No fuss. No confusion. Fantastic! And there I was fretting about it being a big deal and making what was already an extremely complicated time in my life even more complicated. Phew! excellent I can’t claim that is 100% exactly what Rene sent, but I remember very clearly that she used the word “Yes” and not “yeah” or “ok”, but specifically the word “yes”. It’s a weird detail to remember but it stuck with me because it seemed kind of formal. Not that it bothered me. Quite the opposite, actually. “Yes” seemed like the best possible answer.

Like I said before, it was a pretty huge thing for me to admit to Rene that I liked her and it had put me in a really weird situation, so it really was a big relief to get that message back and to know that we were still on the same page. I figured we’d just let things play out and see what happens.

Monday always comes around to spoil the weekend

Monday shows up too early as always and this one was particularly unwanted because it meant facing whatever assumptions my colleagues had made about the fact that I left the restaurant with Rene. And assume they did. I always got into work nice and early, about 7:30, so I could get out early to get to the shops and whatever, so I was at my desk before anyone else arrived for the day.

One by one they came in, each with the same insinuations about me having to worry about my job because I obviously had sex with the boss’s daughter and her dad would find out and fire me. Each time I had to explain that nothing untoward had happened, that Rene had fallen asleep on my couch and that was the full extent of the evening’s adventures. innocent Yeah, I was lying, but I was lying specifically because I’d been asked to by Rene. I don’t like lying. I don’t like secrets. I don’t like whispering. I don’t like gossip. I certainly don’t like having to intentionally mislead people I work with all day, every day, who I considered friends, but I’d been asked to, so I lied.

The news spread quickly that Rene had stayed over at my place and I started getting emails from the girls at the other office. I spent more time trying to politely disregard inquiries about my supposed sexual escapades with my boss’s daughter than working that morning. I was already stressed out with everything else. The last thing I wanted was to be the focal point of all that gossip. It’s not like I had any choice, though. After Mike had seen us walking back to Rene’s car there was little choice but to come up with an explanation and stick to it.

Rene’s parents were overseas

Someone had told me on Friday night that Tim Everlong and his wife were away for two weeks. That knowledge at least was one minor positive in what I was expecting to be an increasingly complex situation. If nothing else, at least I’d have a bit of time to let everything settle before they’d be back and asking questions. Or so I thought. wrong Rene’s parents may well have been away for two weeks but not long after lunch, as a complete surprise to me, Rene’s father Time Everlong comes strolling into the open plan office in which I worked. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that Tim was a very friendly bloke who would roam around chatting with us all and making jokes and generally being the sort of company owner that you dream of having. This unexpected visit was no exception, except that this time I was crapping my dacks expecting him to fire me any second, but he spent so much time joking around with everyone that I started to relax a bit.

Did everyone have a good Friday night?

The fact that he hadn’t spoken to me directly was a bit of a cause for concern but I started to assume he hadn’t heard anything and that it’d surface another day and I’d deal with it then. What a relief! At least that had worked out in my favour for now. After Tim had done his rounds of talking to every single person in that office except me, he headed towards the door not far from my desk. I figured he was about to leave.

Sure he hadn’t spoken to me personally but that was no big deal, totally just a coincidence, and frankly I would have been very uncomfortable trying to talk to him with full knowledge of what I’d gotten up to with his daughter over the weekend while he was none the wiser. But as Tim got the door he didn’t say goodbye, as anticipated. No. Instead, Tim turned and looked at me directly for the first time that visit and said in a very loud voice,

“So, did everyone have a good Friday night?”

The entire room went silent. Every eye in the place was aimed directly at me, including Tim’s, who were locked on mine, which had instantly widened to the size of saucers. I’m not sure how long passed as the owner of the company I worked for, who was under the impression that I’d fucked his little princess’s brains out a few days prior, eyeballed me, but it felt like about a decade or so. Tim eventually turned away and walked out through the open doorway.


A pregnant pause had consumed the entire place and brought with it an ominous silence.  That silence was broken by the thump of my forehead against my desk. headdesk Milliseconds after the sound of my noggin colliding with my grey, generic office desk had reverberated through that  office, the whole place erupted with laughter so raucous I was surprised the windows didn’t blow out. laughing-at I sat and shook my head while the whole office laughed their arses off at me. I was the unwilling star of a sit-com and my colleagues were providing the laugh track. mj-smh

Next time…

So that was how Monday went, I’ll be back to tell you how the rest of that ridiculous week played out. Trust me, this is only the start of my personal sit-com hell.

Oh… kayyyyyyyyyy

11 Jun

Anne Hathaway - avoiding being poisonedI guess I credit goes to

Crazy bitch tip: Generally speaking, no one is trying to poison you, and if they are maybe preparing your own food is a better way to go about protecting yourself. Also, if you suspect people are trying to poison you, choosing not to be around those people is a good option.


People will assume you’re a crazy bitch if you speak like one

7 Jun

After this blonde banshee gets off the train to attack the man who so inconsiderately put his bag on the floor near her foot, and he slaps her square in the gob, even the women on the train respond by saying things like:

  • “She’s crazy!”
  • “She’s mental!”
  • “She’s actually attacking him!”
  • “She’s out of her mind!”
  • “He shouldn’t have obviously hit her, but…”

When people have seen a man smack you in the face and they still are focused on how you’re behaving, you’ve got to be doing something seriously wrong. Normally, people would dive in to defend the woman from the horrible man that would dare hit her, but not here! The whole train has evaluated the young woman as a crazy bitch. That’s next level right there.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t swear at strangers. Don’t swear in public. Don’t attack strangers. Don’t chase after strangers who have already smacked you in the face.

If you’re not looking to hook up with people, don’t go on Tinder

5 Jun

Lindsay is on Tinder but has a boyfriend, so don't you even tryCrazy bitch tip: If you’re not looking to hook up, don’t go to places or websites or apps that are all about hooking up.

The safe word

4 Jun

The Safe WordCrazy bitch tip: No. That is not the safe word.

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