Origins #16

21 Jun

Monday had been more dramatic than I would have liked, but I made it through. I thought what had happened with her father making it very clear he knew she’d spent the night at my place was fair enough. If anything, it was reasonably gentle given what I assumed he believed happened.

It wasn’t ideal to have everyone gossiping about me and constantly sending through jokes and mocking me by email and in person, but I could handle it, and I figured it’d be worth it in the long run. Technically speaking, Rene and I didn’t get up to that much, so I wasn’t lying too severely, and I assumed everyone would get over it in a few days anyway and that’d be it.

Radio silence comes to an end

I hadn’t communicated with Rene since our sms conversation about going out. We’d planned to catch up Wednesday night and figure out the details during the day beforehand.

In the meantime, I’d started getting optimistic about seeing Rene. It had occurred to me that it would all have to be under-the-radar. That added an aspect of naughtiness, cheekiness and fun to it. I’d been wanting to get out to more movies and shows and suddenly I had the chance to do exactly that with someone I really liked.

It was such a great opportunity to have the chance to get to know someone I’d been crushing on for a long time, while knowing that it had to stay chilled out for a fair while because it’s such a weird situation. I expected that Rene and I would end up sleeping with each other, and I was of course looking forward to that, but I had no plans to rush the physical side of things because I figured if Tim Everlong were to find out his daughter had been seeing one of his employees, it’d better be extremely obvious that it was clear there was genuine interest there, and not just a casual sexual relationship.

Great Expectations

I was definitely optimistic, but I didn’t have any long term expectations. I just wanted to let it play out.

I was excited that I liked her and that she liked me. Sadly enough, that was the first time in my life that I’d had a situation where both parties seemed to be on the same level of interest. I didn’t think that meant it would go anywhere, I just thought it’d be cool to experience that at long last.

Maybe we’d get to know each other and the spark would fizzle out, or maybe things would progress. I remember thinking, “Whatever, no point worrying about any of that shit now. Just go out a few times and see how that goes.”

So, yeah, I was excited and optimistic and thought it’d be fun. Regardless of any potential future, at least I’d be spending time with someone I was genuinely interested in. Above that, I was stoked that I’d have a partner in crime. That I might finally be able to end up having so much fun out of work that I could forget all the pressure Gus had been putting me under at work.

Optimism is for suckers

If I recall correctly, it was about 2pm on the Tuesday of that week as I sat at my desk at work when I received a message from Rene. It was a bit of a surprise to get a message from her. I was in for even more of a surprise when I looked at the message itself. It was a very, very long sms. It was so long that I had to scroll repeatedly to get through the whole thing. I don’t remember exactly what it said verbatim, but I’ll try and paraphrase it so you get the gist:

Hey, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think we should go out. I’ve been going through so much lately and everything’s so complicated and I don’t think now’s a good time and I just don’t think it’s a good idea. What do you think?

I know, I know. My version is quite a bit shorter than you’d expect from my description. Look, I remember that it was a very long message and remember the gist of it, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to extend it into the epic message I remember receiving. I wish I still had the damned thing so I could do a better job of reciting it.

You’ll just have to trust me that it was that basic sentiment, stretched wayyyyyy out.

I should have seen that coming

I didn’t get to look at that message when it came through because I was really, really busy. With all the time I was spending putting out gossip fires with all the emails that were coming at me from every second person at Everlong about Rene staying at my place, I was seriously struggling to keep up with my already ridiculous workload. That meant it was probably 15 minutes before I’d even had a chance to open the message.

I think another reason I didn’t get to it immediately was because there was a “that might not be a good surprise” kind of randomness to it. After I’d gotten through reading the whole thing, my immediate reaction was to think to myself, “Shoulda seen that coming.”

There was no big emotional response. I felt a bit let down but I was so busy there wasn’t time for emotions. I typed in my response, “Sounds like you’ve already decided.” but I knew that Rene probably spent ages composing her message and stressing about sending it, and then waiting and worrying about my response, so I deleted it and instead, I sent:

I got your message. I can’t reply now because I’m at work. I’ll reply properly after work.

It was already a very complex scenario for me, so I thought it best not to reply without thinking about it and I hoped sending that message through would be better than leaving her hanging until I got home, which just seemed mean to me.

Thinking it over

Like I said, I was busy. I was very, very, very busy. Even just thinking about it now makes my shoulders tighten up and my jaw clench. Between being flat out, trying to quell the tide of gossip and trying not to think about Tim Everlong potentially firing me, that afternoon dragged on like a summer afternoon in the Arctic Circle.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like Rene was just scared. Unfortunately, however, I didn’t know what she thought was so complicated. I figured it couldn’t just be that I worked for her father, I mean, she obviously would have thought about that before ever hitting on me, so I assumed it must be other things I wasn’t aware of.

If it had been any other girl, I would have just said something like, “I like you and I want to spend time with you. I think you’re just scared but I can’t decide for you. Let me know what you decide.”

But this wasn’t just any girl. I was already in way deeper than I would be with any other girl. As far as I was concerned, I’d taken a massive leap of faith for Rene and I was clearly going to be paying for it, so I’d better find out what was actually going on from her side of things. My thinking was that we’d already done the hardest part, the rest would be relatively easy.

It wasn’t just that, either. There are some things about how I grew up that meant that Rene pulling the plug could potentially open up some old wounds. Reopening those old wounds was something I’d been avoiding my entire life. That provided additional encouragement for me to actually do something rather than just letting it go.

When I finally got home from work I replied something similar to:

I understand that you’re stressed out and I get that it’s complicated, but sometimes complicated things can work out really well. I think it’s worthwhile having a go. I find this stuff really hard to do by sms. Can we meet up and talk about it at least?

Next time…

I’ll tell you what Rene’s reply was to my suggestion that we meet up to talk it over.

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One Response to “Origins #16”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Origins #17 | how not to be a crazy bitch - 2015.06.30

    […] I’d sent through an sms to Rene suggesting that we talk about things in person rather than by text and was waiting for her response. […]

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