Archive | July, 2015

Rachel Dolezal

16 Jul

Rachel Dolezal is a weirdo. That’s not a nice thing to say, but it’s unfortunately quite accurate.

WTF?

If you’re not familiar with the story, the short version is that Rachel Dolezal had been claiming to be black traded on that fact to help her get into the position of head of the Spokane chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. That organisation, also known as the NAACP, fights for the rights of people of colour within America, and Ms Dolezal effectively used a modern take on blackface to get a high profile job within the organisation.

How do we know for sure that Ms Dolezal is not black? Her parents told us. Ms Dolezal was born two, ordinary, everyday Caucasian parents of German and Czech origins. There is no denying that Ms Dolezal is as Caucasian as can be.

There’s no denying it

Photos have also given us a pretty solid indication that she miiiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt just be white under all that tan and hair trickery. For instance, here’s Rachel Dolezal’s wedding photo:

Rachel Dolezal's wedding photo suggests she is not of African heritage.

Rachel Dolezal’s wedding photo suggests she is not of African heritage.

Ms Dolezal has had a lot of interaction with people of colour throughout her life. For example, her parents adopted some children who happened to be non-Caucasian. She thought of those children as her siblings, but they certainly did not ever think she was black.

According to her siblings, she did not think she was black until 2011

Here’s an example of her adopted brother’s opinion on her behaviour.

And another:

But she was a human rights activist, that’s good no matter how she got there, right?

Bullshit.

Rachel Dolezal’s behaviour is making a mockery of her position of the head of the NAACP chapter in Spokane by bringing ‘being black’ into question. If Ms Dolezal wanted to help people of colour get a better and more equal go of things she could done that just as well without lying about her race.

And now she’s come out with all this rubbish about believing she’s ‘transracial’ and she’s damaging the credibility of both transgender people anyone who might actually have a legit claim to being transracial. There are people out there, for example, who are considered ‘not black enough’ to be black by members of their own race, and that to me would trigger some serious difficulties which could potentially be labeled ‘transracial’ but just being endeared towards another culture does NOT measure up, and claiming that it does is a selfish and manipulative effort for Ms Dolezal to attempt to escape the scrutiny she’s under.

But she’s had the black experience!?

Fuck off with that rubbish.

Ms Dolezal claims to understand the black experience and have a deep, personal connection with being black, except she grew up white in a very white community and has only recently started to modify her appearance to look black. Even if Ms Dolezal has experienced a bit of racism directed towards her, if it all gets too much for her, she could just switch back to looking like a white person. That’s the difference right there, hers is a choice, a decision, a type of tourism.

Montel Williams is spot on here:

A person who is of African heritage cannot just switch out when they feel like the inherent racism they have to deal with is restricting their opportunities in life. They’re stuck with that and have to accept that the system is pretty shit, and that they’ll have to fight to be afforded the same treatment provided to Caucasians… and that’s exactly WHY THE NAACP EXISTS, and then an impersonator gets into the top job of the local chapter and even fucks up the efforts of black people to fight for their rights!

Can’t say I agree with Whoopi on that one. I think Rosie Perez is right on the money.

She’s a liar

Rachel Dolezal was caught out and she’s trying to lie her way out of it. The saddest part is there’s a lot of speculation that it was her divorce that pushed her into some sort of nervous breakdown, at which point she attempted to deal with it by changing who she believed she was.

I’m not judging the woman for having a tough time and that impacting her in a difficult way, but that doesn’t absolve her of the bullshit she’s been spouting since she was caught out.

Transracial issues may be valid or not, but Rachel Dolezal is not a good example. She’s a liar and is only concerned with getting away with being caught out and she’s mangling a whole bunch of bullshit lies together in order to get out of it.

Crazy bitch tip: Stop fucking lying about your reasons for dressing up in black face.

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Origins #21

15 Jul

After a very confusing night out with Rene in which she broke up with me but then conceded that it still seemed like we were going to get together. It had all built up to the moment that, while I sat in the passenger seat of her car on the way back, I was leaning in to kiss Rene.

So how did that turn out?

not-particularly-well

Know what I mean?

Rene leaned away and out of reach. Imagine Neo in the matrix but instead of bullets, he’s dodging kisses from guys, and instead of Neo, it’s my boss’s daughter.

dodge

Ahh! It’s the affection I was crying about not getting the other night!

She looked at me like she understood why I was going for it, but also like it was a bad call, which of course it absolutely was.

miley-awkward

Sooo… that just happened.

For me, it was a case of not leaving anything on the table. I wasn’t especially offended or upset that Rene had avoided my kiss. I had to have a crack at it, so I did, and it didn’t go my way. I was disappointed but at least I tried and I wouldn’t be left wondering what might have happened.

I was still very, very confused because Rene seemed to be saying one thing and meaning another and there appeared to be a serious disconnect between what she was saying she wanted and what she seemed to actually want, but I tried to kiss her and she pulled away, so I had to take that as a “No.”

I looked at Rene, my face full of confusion and disappointment. I understood that she didn’t want to kiss me right then, but not why she’d been so full-steam-ahead the other night and even admitted that it felt like we were going to get together only minutes before, and was still stopping anything happening between us.

Rene looked at me with an understanding, almost apologetic look and said, simply:

You can’t always get what you want.

That statement didn’t help much but, more confused than ever, I deflated back into that luxurious leather seat in my boss’s daughter’s BMW and an old Rolling Stones song rang out at full volume inside my head without disturbing the silence between Rene and I.

The traffic light gods saw my dilemma and kindly changed the light from red to green seconds later. I’d had enough of looking at Rene for the night. I directed my gaze at the massive tent which had housed the Powderfinger concert earlier in the night. I tried to read between the many and varied messages I thought I was getting, hoping to find something that felt like the truth.

Home again

The short trip back from the Bell Tower to my place has erased itself from my memory. I assume I stared out the passenger window and said nothing aside from offering the necessary directions. I don’t remember how we said goodbye but obviously no kissing was involved.

lights-fadeI do remember thinking that the whole night would have been a lot simpler if Rene had just come round to my place in the first place. That thought scratched its way through my head as I watched her BWM dissolve into the feint, red glow of  tail lights, and dissipate into the darkness.

Cringe City, here I come

After climbing the 5 flights of stairs to my apartment I kicked off my shoes and fell onto my bed. I was very, very confused. I know this will sound ridiculous, but I felt like Rene’s efforts to decline had all been what she thought she had to do, not what she wanted to do. Unfortunately however, there was enough conflicting evidence that I couldn’t get a solid read on the situation one way or the other.ross-cringe

And that’s when I started to set up shop in Cringe City. See, something I had previously been unfamiliar with started to happen. I started to do things which didn’t make good sense. My emotions told me to do something and, unlike my normal protocol of logically evaluating the outcome of my behaviour before acting, I caught myself actually doing the thing my emotions told me to do.

In that particular moment, my emotions were telling me to send Rene the following sms:

I think that moment in front of the bell tower really summed things up.

megacringe It’s very tough for me to accept it now that I’m looking back, but I didn’t just feel like sending that message, I actually sent it!

I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

I had to try to kiss you and you had to back out of it. Sums the whole thing up.

I didn’t even mean to send the first message. It happened outside of my control. I sure as hell didn’t expect a response because Rene would still have been driving home. I know that, at the time, I was trying to close out the situation and make sure we were on the same page ahead of running into Rene at the next work function, but I can’t even articulate¬† how intensely I’m cringing at the thought of sending that follow up message.

cringeI knew it was a ridiculous thing to do, even then, but my emotions had taken control of my fingers. I waited for Rene’s response. Y’know, the one that would explicitly confirm or deny my understanding of what the hell she’d been trying to get across to me throughout the night?

Now we play the waiting game

timeThe minute number on my phone changed from 9:48 to 9:49.

9:49 became 9:50.

9:50 became 9:51.

The screen on my iPhone 3G switched itself off.

“She’s driving, she probably doesn’t have the time to reply properly.” I supposed. “No point staring at your phone waiting around for her”

I switched my phone to silent and put it face down on my bedside table. I showered, brushed my teeth, and everything else I could remotely think to do before going to bed for the night. Eventually, all options exhausted, I turned off the light and returned to my empty, queen sized bed.

I didn’t want to check my phone but the near hour I’d spent trying to distract myself hadn’t worked very well.

I picked it up. Flipped it over. Pressed the home button. The screen lit up the room.

10:39

0 newThere was no new message. There was no missed call. There was no new email. Nothing.

“Maybe she’s been caught up in traffic on the way home. Best not to worry about it until the morning.” I told myself. I put my phone back, face-down on the bedside table.

I pulled my eyelids down and commenced the process of attempting to initiate sleep. You’d assume successfully doing something over 11,000 times would ensure your future success at will without even the slightest issue. The task of falling asleep, however, appears not to become any easier regardless of extensive previous practice.

Just go to fucking sleep already!

I tried everything I could to encourage the sandman to visit me. I did everything I could not to look at my phone. I failed on both counts.

“Maybe I missed it…”
1:27

0 new“I nodded off there for a bit, probably nearly time to get ready for work.”
1:39

0 new
“This is fucked.”

thinking-no-slee “Go to sleep already.”stimpy-nosleep“For fuck’s sake, just go to sleep”
1:54
“It’s nearly two in the morning ya fucking idiot, just go to fucking sleep.”

0 new“This is the worst pillow that has ever been made.”

pillow rage“I was wrong. THIS pillow is the worst pillow that has ever been made!”

pillow-fight2:02
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK”
“I nodded off there for a bit, probably nearly time to get ready for work.”
2:11

0 new“Is that a spider?”

0 new“Maybe she smacked my arse like a coach does to a player, like ‘Good job’. Don’t think about that shit. Just go to sleep.”
sleep-deprivation“Fuck my phone is bright.”

0 new“Of course there’s no new message. She’s asleep you idiot. Stop thinking about it.”
2:41
“I’m really tired now. Better stop thinking about it and get some sleep.”

0 new“‘I had to try to kiss you and you had to back out of it. Sums the whole thing up.’, that’s not so crazy. That’s what happened. Sure I shouldn’t have sent that but it’s not offensive or anything. It’s not like I could get fired over that. Or could I?…”can't sleep3:21
“SERIOUSLY??????? HOW AM I NOT ASLEEP YET???????!?!??!!??!?!!?!?!?”
3:39

insomnia

BRIIIIINGGGGG BRRIIIIIIIIIINGGGGG

“What the fuck is that noise!? Where am I? Who am I? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING NOISE!!!!?!?!?!?!?!”I smashed my hand in the direction of the intrusive screaming noise. It was my phone.

“Oh yeah, I’m a human in my bed and was enjoying a magnificently deep sleep there until this mother fucking noise ruined it by waking me up.”

6:00

It was my alarm. Past me had set it to wake me up with plenty of time to prepare for another day at my awesome new job. Past me was a fucking moron.

6amPast me was so fucking stupid that he actually thought the “old phone” ringtone was a good choice for a sound to wake up to! Didn’t he know I’d had maybe 2 hours of sleep? Who the fuck did he think he was to wake me up?

As moronic as past me had been, present-time me was just as ridiculous, if not worse.

“Oh wait, any new messages?”

6:01

0 newMy phone was as devoid of messages as it had been all night.

“That message wasn’t even a question. Why would she reply to something that wasn’t a question? I was being silly to expect a response”

“You know what? She’ll come round. She’ll figure out whatever it is that’s so complicated, get over whatever bullshit she’s going through, and she’ll eventually come round.”

“Until she does, I’m just gonna focus on doing what I can for myself. First step, focus on my fitness.”

I got onto my bench press and worked out so hard my arms would ache for days, then showered up and headed off for work feeling good about myself.

I was confident that Rene was still interested. In spite of what she’d said, there’d been so much of a vibe telling me that she was, plus she’d literally agreed that we’d still get together. I was just gonna let her come back to me when she was ready and make sure that I was looking and feeling good when she did.

Yeah, that’s right

Yes, somehow, despite everything I was dealing with and how unbelievably confused and stressed out I was, even my lack of sleep couldn’t dampen my spirits. I was, for reasons that elude me today, feeling great that morning.

good timesI think back now and wonder “how that’s possible?” I’d just been smacked from pillar to post through a huge range of emotions and yet there I was, feeling good. Feeling confident! How the hell I managed that, I couldn’t tell you.

What I can tell you is that it wouldn’t last forever.

Next time…

Those emotion things start to rise up and the confusion starts getting the best of me.

Origins #20

12 Jul

After breaking up with me, Rene had promptly decided that giving me a smack on the arse was the appropriate course of action to take. After I wrestled with her trying to kiss her, she’d told me, “Don’t make this hard.” and I, more confused than ever was now sitting in the passenger seat of her little BMW as we trundled back from our non-date.

I had thought the situation was pretty straight forward until Rene had smacked me on the arse. I had thought she was just not attracted to me anymore for whatever reason, and while I thought that was a shitty thing to deal with, it was something I’d seen happen before, and something I could deal with.

When Rene smacked me on the arse and giggled her head off while I wrestled with her to kiss her, I had gotten a very, very different impression. It appeared that Rene was still very much attracted to me, and that she might possibly have been genuine about the ‘bad timing’ stuff. I had of course thought that was all a bunch of bullshit she’d been spouting because she didn’t know how to tell me she wasn’t interested, but it seemed remotely plausible after the surprise smack on the arse.

Small talk: Take 1

Anyway, her little BMW rolled on as we both peered out at the nearly empty streets. Not wanting to “Make this hard” and also wanting to avoid the awkward silence we’d been sitting in for the past minute or two, I tried to find a benign topic to fill the time discussing.

You must have worked really hard to afford this car. It’s amazing. The leather seats, all the technology, you must have been very proud to have earned it.

Ah… actually… it’s a company car. I didn’t pay anything for it.

Rene looked somewhat embarrassed upon providing the details.

Strike 1! But that was an interesting thing to learn. I’d been under the impression that Rene had worked hard to afford that car. I had seen her working at Tim Everlong’s businesses so long that I assumed she had made good money and bought it for herself as a reward. That little fact lodged in my head in just the same way as watching Rene choose not to wait for the pedestrians earlier in the night.

Small talk: Take 2

Does Laura know where you are tonight?

God NO! She thinks I’m out with friends! I had to lie to her! I NEVER lie to her!

Special circumstances, I guess.

Y’know, she asked me about you…

What about?

She asked me what you looked like under your clothes. She asked “Is he really fit? Is he cut?”

This was a revelation to me. Learning that Laura had wondered how I look naked had put a massive smile on my face, conversely, it had also stressed me the fuck out! Laura wasn’t supposed to know that anything happened between Rene and I. The momentary glow of flattery was quickly overrun by concern about dealing with Laura’s knowledge of events.

What? Wait! Why would she ask…? Hang on! Did you tell her that we…

No, no, no, no, nothing like that! When she asked I said “How would I know?” and she let it go. I hate lying to her. I tell her EVERYTHING. It’s going to kill me to keep this from her. You can’t tell anyone. Please, don’t tell anyone about this, ok?

“Thank fuck for that”, I thought to myself. At least Laura didn’t know anything. At least that was something.

Of course, Laura. I promised, I won’t tell anyone, and I won’t.

Rene was upset. “Dammit, I just called her by her sister’s name, didn’t I?”, I realised.

Sorry. You know I know your name, Rene. You know I know who you are. I just slipped because we were just talking about Laura, that’s all. Nothing more than that.

We’ll have to find a new Flash developer

Jesus, what a night.

That’s ok, but don’t do it again or we’ll have to find a new Flash developer.

Rene laughed at her own “joke” and I did that stupid thing where you automatically laugh when someone else is laughing. Then I registered what Rene had actually just said.

Wait! What?!

I’m only joking! haha! Oh my God the look on your face was priceless!

Oh. Right. Good one.

I mumbled the words, far from impressed with Rene’s joke.

The scenario itself was stressful enough without adding the anguish of contemplating Rene turning on me and getting me fired, which apparently was an option available to her. I hadn’t really considered that possibility. I had been worried about her father or her sister being upset with me and firing me, but I hadn’t considered that Rene could say the word and have me removed. Great.

I felt like a blind man in a minefield. Rene noticed that I didn’t take the joke very well.

You’re really cute when you’re angry.

Whatever.

Oh, don’t be like that, I was joking. But you are really cute.

She looked at me like we hadn’t just been through some weird sort of break up barely 20 minutes earlier. She was looking at me like she was properly interested in me. I don’t know exactly how to explain it but I knew she was into me and I knew she wanted something to happen between me and her.

You’re beautiful.

Rene blushed. I reached over and put my hand on her thigh. Her brow raised in surprise.

Don’t. Don’t make this hard. We can’t.

Yeah, you’ve said that. You’ve said all of that, but I still get the vibe that we’re going to get together.

Rene looked me in the eye and gave me a confirming, flirtatious smile.

I know.

Nearly 5 years have passed and I still remember that smile like she’s right in front of me. It’s carved into my memory. I can’t forget it, no matter how much I want to. Rene’s smile amplified the words she’d spoken. That smile said, “You’re right, and we both know it.”

It made no damned sense to come so close and then just turn and walk away before we’d given it a shot, especially when there was no denying we were interested in each other. I didn’t know what the hell else there was to do and I figured if Rene would just let it into her head that I was genuinely interested, she might not be so resistant to the idea of us spending some time together.

You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. You’re smart. You’re sexy. You’re not perfect, and you know it, and that only makes you more interesting. You’re an extraordinary person.

Yeah, I’m cringing pretty hard at that memory, but that’s what I said.

Rene had gone quiet. She was nearly crying again. She was shivering in her leather seat as she gripped tight onto that luxurious black leather steering wheel with its white stitching. She ushered out words as if she wanted to hold onto them at the same time as forcing them out.

That’s… the… That’s… the nicest… thing… anyone… has ever… said… to me.

I mean it, Rene.

Back to the bell tower

_belltower

This place, except, y’know, it was night time.

I’m not sure why we ended up back near the Bell Tower. It would have been shorter to go a different way. Whatever the reason, we were now traversing the same street on which I’d run into my friend Chico earlier that night. To my left was the venue at which Powderfinger, my favourite band, had played one of their last ever shows. A few stragglers were still milling around the mostly empty city streets.

The traffic light ahead had turned amber. Rene’s elegant and practical company car slowed to a stop as light turned red.

There was still music playing at the park to my left as the last of the punters wandered out. It had been annoying me that I hadn’t tried to kiss Rene when we were having our talk at the beach, even though I’d been overfull with that tasty burger. I was annoyed that it seemed like Rene wanted something to happen and was talking herself out of it.

Rene looked especially beautiful there in the wash of the orange and white street lights. She was looking straight at me, almost like she was daring me to do something. The words “Do it” rang out through my head. My internal monologue shouted, “IT’S NOW OR NEVER.”

I hadn’t yet decided to go but found I was already leaning in. I was going to kiss her, right there in front of the Bell Tower where this whole ridiculous evening had started.

Next time…

I’ll tell you how leaning in to kiss Rene played out.

Drunk dialing is bad

11 Jul

Check out this unbelievably cute message left by a drunk girl.

She sounds adorable right? Well

Let’s think about that voice mail. It sounds like Ryan might be politely trying to avoid seeing this young lady. This next video does a pretty good simulation of how we might imagine Ryan dealing with discovering this gem:

Yes! Dominic is adorable! But she’s also doing an excellent job of sounding like an absolutely crazy bitch, albeit an adorable version of a crazy bitch, but an adorable knife still cuts just as well.

My favourite part about our adorbs little sweetheart is that she either dialed the wrong number, or, more likely, was given a fake number. We know this to be the case because of the summary of the video on youtube: “I got this message late Friday night. BTW – I didn’t go out that night.”

“In USA MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA where yer-you are FREE to TEXT in a THE-A-TER!”

While we’re dealing with crazy phone calls, here’s another one I quite like:

I love this. I love when people who are being arseholes are called out for acting like arseholes and then they accuse the people who called them out of being arseholes for calling them out. I love the circle of arseholery. I love how upset they get. I love the fact that this woman was so upset that she called and left an arsehole message after undoubtedly being an arsehole about getting kicked out for being an arsehole. To summarize… what a fucking ARSEHOLE!

Crazy bitch tip: Keep in mind that regardless of the positive or negative intent behind your message, there’s always the potential it could end up on the internet.

Check the rear view before going out

10 Jul

  
Crazy bitch tip: It’s worth checking a mirror over your shoulder before you go outside. I’m not saying you have to, but not doing so leaves you open to situations like the one above.

Origins #19

10 Jul

My boss’s daughter had just complimented me on my forthrightness in warning her that I might burp while we discuss the fallout of us hooking up.

Here we go!

As much as I was worried about burping midway through, and that I had potentially risked my job by getting together with Rene, I was relieved that I was going to find out what was actually going through her head.

I can’t remember word for word, of course, but as best I can remember, the conversation started something like:

I know we’re supposed to talk but I don’t know where to start…

That’s ok, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just tell me what’s on your mind and we’ll go from there.

I struggle with things like this. I get choked up.

Rene struggled to get that last phrase out. She quivered as she pushed the words out it and her eyes were welling up. I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

It’s ok, Rene. We’re just talking. Everything’s alright.

I know, but, I just… I always fuck everything up.

You can’t fuck this up. Please don’t worry about that. Just tell me what’s stressing you out about it.

It’s all so complicated, y’know? I’ve been going through a really hard time lately. I just don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like everything I do is wrong. I don’t think I’m in a good headspace to start something serious. I feel like I have to be selfish right now to get myself back together.

What do you want out of this?

I dunno, I’m not really after anything serious. I just want to hang out with you and see what happens.

but, like, do you want a relationship?

I want to make it clear what I was thinking here, because I think it matters to the story. To me, a relationship in that context meant, do I want to spend time with Rene without seeing anyone else at the same time, and the answer to that was “yes”, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to jump into anything serious. I was thinking we’d take it really cruisy and under cover, and see how things play out. Anyway, I replied…

Yeah. I mean, I wanna get to know you.

Rene was looking at me with an expression equal parts agony and joy.

I’m going through so much right now. I’ve got nothing left to give.

I didn’t think I was asking her to give me anything, so I was a bit confused, but she seemed to be struggling so much to get it all out that I didn’t want to press her on it.

If you didn’t work for my Dad, that’d be different but… and I’m still trying to get over… I don’t know how… it’s too much. It’s so complicated.

What the hell is so bloody complicated?

I wanted to know what was so complicated. I wanted to know what else was going on. I wanted to point out that I was the one who’d have to worry about her father’s reaction, not her. But I didn’t. I chose not to because Rene was struggling so badly to get the words out and it felt cruel to attempt to pry more information out of her.

I’m not after anything serious. I just want to get to know you better because I only ever see you at work things. I normally would have let it go when you sent that message through the other day, but I’m into you and it’s really rare for me to get feelings for someone, so I’m going out on a limb here. I think it’s worth trying.

You know I was with my ex for years right?

Yeah.

I’m more attracted to you than I ever was to her.

Rene’s eyes went a little extra wide at hearing that. I was trying to make it clear that I was genuinely interested in her. In hindsight I guess that was a pretty intense thing to say, especially considering how stressed out Rene seemed to be.

We can keep it casual. It doesn’t have to be super serious, I just don’t want to not even try. We can just hang out and have some fun together. Nobody needs to know, we can keep it quiet, we don’t even have to go out in public. We can just enjoy ourselves and figure it out from there.

Do you mean like, a purely physical thing? Just sex?

Friends with benefits?

I was pretty confused at how or why Rene had gotten the impression I just wanted a friends with benefits style relationship with her from what I said. I thought it was obvious that I meant I wanted to spend time getting to know each other properly before getting into anything serious, but I guess I worded it poorly and she’d gotten the completely wrong idea.

No, I mean pretty much the exact opposite.

I meant that I want to spend time with you without getting up to anything sexual for now, see how we get along and keep it as chilled out as we can until we know where we’re at.

Oh… Um… OK… But I thought…

Rene seemed taken off guard. Genuinely surprised by my response.

I don’t know what she was thinking but I was really astounded she didn’t realise that was the only option I could realistically suggest. It was the only way I could go out with Rene behind her father (my boss’s) back, without being horrendously disrespectful. I figured people might find out that we were hanging out and that the only way I could get away without getting fired if it got back to Tim Everlong was for it to be obvious that I wasn’t just using his daughter for sex, and was instead treating his daughter with the utmost respect.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Rene contemplated that out loud while looking at the ground. She looked extremely confused and I wanted to lean over and kiss her right there and then. It felt like an identical situation to when she was sitting on my couch and I’d kissed her for the first time.

I started to lean towards Rene but felt my belly grumble. I’d forgotten about that burp that had been trying to force its way up. The thought of belching into Rene’s mouth mid kiss-dive was more than enough for me to immediately give up on the idea.

I rebalanced myself on the grass sitting there as that huge moon dispersed reflected light into the Indian Ocean and considered the ridiculousness of my circumstances. There was really very little to do but ask.

Rene, are we gonna hang out?

Rene looked me in the eyes. Her lower lip quivered. Her eyes closed for a few seconds. Her head dropped a little and she looked back up at me.

No.

I won’t pretend that didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a big surprise. I was prepared for it but it was still somewhat deflating. I didn’t reply. I looked down away from Rene’s eyes, redirecting my eyes out over the ocean. I caught myself biting my lower lip and had a brief moment of “Holy shit, I might actually cry.”

Instead of crying I took in a deep breath and let out a long, slow sigh and looked back into Rene’s eyes.

It’s… It’s not you… It’s me, y’know?

I couldn’t believe she’d actually used that line. George Costanza came to mind immediately.

I was offended to hear it but I ignored it, figuring it must be a tough spot to be in and finding the right words would be difficult.

It’s such bad timing and I just don’t think I could be in a relationship right now.

It’s alright.

Life’s not like the movies

Rene was on the verge of tears at this point. It wasn’t an easy moment for me either but I’d switched into stoic, unimpressed mode.

It’s just not the right time… it’s just… life’s not like the movies.

I remember that statement very well, “Life’s not like the movies.” Even in that moment I wondered what possessed her to utter such a loaded statement.

I could. If I wanted to. If I really wanted to I would. I’d go for it if I really wanted to.

At this point it seemed like Rene wasn’t even talking to me anymore. I felt like I was a bystander while she was having an internal dialogue that was leaking out through her mouth. It felt like I shouldn’t be hearing those words, so I leaned over and put my hand on her shoulder.

It’s ok, Rene. I get it.

But I would. If I wanted to. Just not now. It’s the wrong time.

Rene pushed those words out between the tight gasps of breath of someone who is crying, even though her eyelashes were barely wet. Then she said something that seemed out of nowhere…

I don’t want to fuck this up.

It looked like she was about to break but was doing everything she could to hold it back. I was confused by the somewhat mixed sentiments I was hearing, but the overall vibe was that, regardless of whatever the reason was, we weren’t going to be hanging out.

I didn’t want to drag that moment on any longer.

I get it.

I squeezed Rene’s shoulder in an effort to communicate the sentiment physically. I felt her relax a little and watched her come back from the verge of tears as my words registered in her head.

I’d had a go and it didn’t pan out in my favour. I could deal with that. Like I said, I’d been prepared for that outcome and I intended to simply take it as a compliment that someone as impressive as Rene had been attracted to me at all.

She might as well have spat in my face

The tension seemed to disappear as Rene came back to being in control of her breathing. Then she said the worst thing she could have possibly said to me at that point in time…

Can we be friends?

She might as well have spat in my face.

Listen, I can handle someone not being interested in me, and I can handle someone not knowing how to tell me that but we all know that when someone says “can we be friends” they’re effectively saying “You are of no reproductive value but I will allow you to be near me in exchange for compliments and putting up with me whine about other guys”

Inside my head, little explosions started going off. Thoughts started burning through my brain at light speed, “Did she really just say ‘Can we be friends?’ That is so disgustingly and disrespectfully cliche. Go fuck yourself, Rene”

Those thoughts erupted inside my head but that’s where I kept them. I had to remind myself that while the situation was difficult for me, it was also difficult for Rene, and even though I have heard those words too many times in the past, Rene’s not to know that and it’s not her fault that she happened to say them.

I calmed myself down, tried to undo the scowl that had taken over my face. I shook my head while I said, simply:

No thanks.

I think I’d gotten the scowl off my face but I couldn’t get rid of the “are you fucking serious” eyebrow raise. Rene was obviously confused by my reaction. The way she looked back at me, you’d think I’d just told her “catfish dinosaur constellation is made of bat semen in the chocolate olfactory hereditary cardinal zeitgeist with goats milk.” or something.

But… wh… why not?

I don’t want to be friends, Rene. I’m not into it. I’m never going to be the guy that you talk with about other guys. That’s not me. I’m not that guy.

I would never do that to you!

I appreciate that, but we’re never going to be friends.

Oh… uhh… ok.. I guess.

In fairness, maybe Rene genuinely wanted to be friends but I spent far too much time in the friendzone as a teenager and I have since flat-out refused to be put there. That might not be very mature, nor an especially nice way to accept what is theoretically a nice offer, but Fuuuuuuuuckkkkk thattttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t be a good friend to someone you’re interested in anyway. It’s shitty scenario and I refuse to be a part of it.

I wasn’t rude in the way I responded to Rene about it, I was just straight forward. I didn’t say it in an aggressive or harsh way, I just told her in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t be friends. As surprised as she was, she seemed to understand where I was coming from.

That’s that

At that point I figured we’d done all the talking we were going to do on the topic and figured it was better to get was no doubt going to be a stupidly awkward drive home over with.

I suggested that we’ve talked about what we came to talk about and that I had to be up for work, so we should head back. Rene, who seemed confused at my reactions in general, agreed with a nod despite her face still being stuck in “I’m not quite sure what just happened here” mode.

As we walked back to Rene’s car, I noticed she had a goofy smile on her face. She wasn’t saying anything but she was very clearly a long way from the near tear outburst of a few minutes before.

What the fuck was that?

As we arrived at Rene’s car I felt something hit my arse. Rene had just given me a smack on the bum!! She was giggling about it as she tried to scamper around the car to the driver’s side.

I had no idea what in the name of almighty fuck was going on. Why the fuck would someone who just broke up with me and tried to friend zone me smack me on the arse? I had no clue but a smack on the arse is a pretty suggestive thing so I grabbed Rene and pushed her down onto the bonnet of her car.

She giggled the whole time. She squirmed and wriggled and was clearly thoroughly enjoying the fact that I was holding her in place. Fortunately, the walk back to the car had jiggled that mega-burp I’d be dealing with around enough that I’d forgotten about it, and now, with Rene pinned down to the bonnet of her car, giggling after smacking my arse, I was free to go in for the kiss.

I leaned in to kiss her and she giggled and squirmed away. I tried again and she giggled even more but again squirmed out of the way. As I was in close to her face but not lined up correctly to kiss her, Rene said…

Don’t make this hard.

I was utterly confused and, not knowing exactly what to do, I tried again to kiss her.

Please don’t make this any harder.

I decided that was enough trying for me. I let Rene up and saw her face was flush and a huge smile across her face. I was confused as all shit. That last bit completely changed how I’d understood the conversation. I thought she’d just broken up with me using generic, lame, bullshit cliches.

We both got into Rene’s fancy little BMW and, still giggling, Rene began driving us back.

Next time

The ridiculous night continues and my brain becomes the equivalent of a grey matter pretzel…

Belle Gibson’s interview

5 Jul

This whole thing skeeves me out. I can’t stand the obvious lies being spouted from Ms Gibson but the production and behaviour by the 60 minutes program is just as ridiculous.

You can decide for yourself how much of Belle’s elaborate story you believe, but keep an eye out for the points in the interview when the footage stops, they zoom in and then make the picture all red, somewhat implying that Belle = Satan. That pisses me off because 60 minutes used to be a show with journalistic integrity, but since Fox got its hands on things, it’s turned into a biased, tabloid styled bullshit that no longer has anything to do with genuine journalism.

Any sensible person can see through Belle’s bullshit without all the additional fanfare. Anyway, check out the interview and see what you think of this double sided farce.

Crazy bitch tip: If your lies are discovered and everyone hates you, trying to lie your way out of it is not going to work.

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