Origins #19

10 Jul

My boss’s daughter had just complimented me on my forthrightness in warning her that I might burp while we discuss the fallout of us hooking up.

Here we go!

As much as I was worried about burping midway through, and that I had potentially risked my job by getting together with Rene, I was relieved that I was going to find out what was actually going through her head.

I can’t remember word for word, of course, but as best I can remember, the conversation started something like:

I know we’re supposed to talk but I don’t know where to start…

That’s ok, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just tell me what’s on your mind and we’ll go from there.

I struggle with things like this. I get choked up.

Rene struggled to get that last phrase out. She quivered as she pushed the words out it and her eyes were welling up. I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

It’s ok, Rene. We’re just talking. Everything’s alright.

I know, but, I just… I always fuck everything up.

You can’t fuck this up. Please don’t worry about that. Just tell me what’s stressing you out about it.

It’s all so complicated, y’know? I’ve been going through a really hard time lately. I just don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like everything I do is wrong. I don’t think I’m in a good headspace to start something serious. I feel like I have to be selfish right now to get myself back together.

What do you want out of this?

I dunno, I’m not really after anything serious. I just want to hang out with you and see what happens.

but, like, do you want a relationship?

I want to make it clear what I was thinking here, because I think it matters to the story. To me, a relationship in that context meant, do I want to spend time with Rene without seeing anyone else at the same time, and the answer to that was “yes”, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to jump into anything serious. I was thinking we’d take it really cruisy and under cover, and see how things play out. Anyway, I replied…

Yeah. I mean, I wanna get to know you.

Rene was looking at me with an expression equal parts agony and joy.

I’m going through so much right now. I’ve got nothing left to give.

I didn’t think I was asking her to give me anything, so I was a bit confused, but she seemed to be struggling so much to get it all out that I didn’t want to press her on it.

If you didn’t work for my Dad, that’d be different but… and I’m still trying to get over… I don’t know how… it’s too much. It’s so complicated.

What the hell is so bloody complicated?

I wanted to know what was so complicated. I wanted to know what else was going on. I wanted to point out that I was the one who’d have to worry about her father’s reaction, not her. But I didn’t. I chose not to because Rene was struggling so badly to get the words out and it felt cruel to attempt to pry more information out of her.

I’m not after anything serious. I just want to get to know you better because I only ever see you at work things. I normally would have let it go when you sent that message through the other day, but I’m into you and it’s really rare for me to get feelings for someone, so I’m going out on a limb here. I think it’s worth trying.

You know I was with my ex for years right?

Yeah.

I’m more attracted to you than I ever was to her.

Rene’s eyes went a little extra wide at hearing that. I was trying to make it clear that I was genuinely interested in her. In hindsight I guess that was a pretty intense thing to say, especially considering how stressed out Rene seemed to be.

We can keep it casual. It doesn’t have to be super serious, I just don’t want to not even try. We can just hang out and have some fun together. Nobody needs to know, we can keep it quiet, we don’t even have to go out in public. We can just enjoy ourselves and figure it out from there.

Do you mean like, a purely physical thing? Just sex?

Friends with benefits?

I was pretty confused at how or why Rene had gotten the impression I just wanted a friends with benefits style relationship with her from what I said. I thought it was obvious that I meant I wanted to spend time getting to know each other properly before getting into anything serious, but I guess I worded it poorly and she’d gotten the completely wrong idea.

No, I mean pretty much the exact opposite.

I meant that I want to spend time with you without getting up to anything sexual for now, see how we get along and keep it as chilled out as we can until we know where we’re at.

Oh… Um… OK… But I thought…

Rene seemed taken off guard. Genuinely surprised by my response.

I don’t know what she was thinking but I was really astounded she didn’t realise that was the only option I could realistically suggest. It was the only way I could go out with Rene behind her father (my boss’s) back, without being horrendously disrespectful. I figured people might find out that we were hanging out and that the only way I could get away without getting fired if it got back to Tim Everlong was for it to be obvious that I wasn’t just using his daughter for sex, and was instead treating his daughter with the utmost respect.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Rene contemplated that out loud while looking at the ground. She looked extremely confused and I wanted to lean over and kiss her right there and then. It felt like an identical situation to when she was sitting on my couch and I’d kissed her for the first time.

I started to lean towards Rene but felt my belly grumble. I’d forgotten about that burp that had been trying to force its way up. The thought of belching into Rene’s mouth mid kiss-dive was more than enough for me to immediately give up on the idea.

I rebalanced myself on the grass sitting there as that huge moon dispersed reflected light into the Indian Ocean and considered the ridiculousness of my circumstances. There was really very little to do but ask.

Rene, are we gonna hang out?

Rene looked me in the eyes. Her lower lip quivered. Her eyes closed for a few seconds. Her head dropped a little and she looked back up at me.

No.

I won’t pretend that didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a big surprise. I was prepared for it but it was still somewhat deflating. I didn’t reply. I looked down away from Rene’s eyes, redirecting my eyes out over the ocean. I caught myself biting my lower lip and had a brief moment of “Holy shit, I might actually cry.”

Instead of crying I took in a deep breath and let out a long, slow sigh and looked back into Rene’s eyes.

It’s… It’s not you… It’s me, y’know?

I couldn’t believe she’d actually used that line. George Costanza came to mind immediately.

I was offended to hear it but I ignored it, figuring it must be a tough spot to be in and finding the right words would be difficult.

It’s such bad timing and I just don’t think I could be in a relationship right now.

It’s alright.

Life’s not like the movies

Rene was on the verge of tears at this point. It wasn’t an easy moment for me either but I’d switched into stoic, unimpressed mode.

It’s just not the right time… it’s just… life’s not like the movies.

I remember that statement very well, “Life’s not like the movies.” Even in that moment I wondered what possessed her to utter such a loaded statement.

I could. If I wanted to. If I really wanted to I would. I’d go for it if I really wanted to.

At this point it seemed like Rene wasn’t even talking to me anymore. I felt like I was a bystander while she was having an internal dialogue that was leaking out through her mouth. It felt like I shouldn’t be hearing those words, so I leaned over and put my hand on her shoulder.

It’s ok, Rene. I get it.

But I would. If I wanted to. Just not now. It’s the wrong time.

Rene pushed those words out between the tight gasps of breath of someone who is crying, even though her eyelashes were barely wet. Then she said something that seemed out of nowhere…

I don’t want to fuck this up.

It looked like she was about to break but was doing everything she could to hold it back. I was confused by the somewhat mixed sentiments I was hearing, but the overall vibe was that, regardless of whatever the reason was, we weren’t going to be hanging out.

I didn’t want to drag that moment on any longer.

I get it.

I squeezed Rene’s shoulder in an effort to communicate the sentiment physically. I felt her relax a little and watched her come back from the verge of tears as my words registered in her head.

I’d had a go and it didn’t pan out in my favour. I could deal with that. Like I said, I’d been prepared for that outcome and I intended to simply take it as a compliment that someone as impressive as Rene had been attracted to me at all.

She might as well have spat in my face

The tension seemed to disappear as Rene came back to being in control of her breathing. Then she said the worst thing she could have possibly said to me at that point in time…

Can we be friends?

She might as well have spat in my face.

Listen, I can handle someone not being interested in me, and I can handle someone not knowing how to tell me that but we all know that when someone says “can we be friends” they’re effectively saying “You are of no reproductive value but I will allow you to be near me in exchange for compliments and putting up with me whine about other guys”

Inside my head, little explosions started going off. Thoughts started burning through my brain at light speed, “Did she really just say ‘Can we be friends?’ That is so disgustingly and disrespectfully cliche. Go fuck yourself, Rene”

Those thoughts erupted inside my head but that’s where I kept them. I had to remind myself that while the situation was difficult for me, it was also difficult for Rene, and even though I have heard those words too many times in the past, Rene’s not to know that and it’s not her fault that she happened to say them.

I calmed myself down, tried to undo the scowl that had taken over my face. I shook my head while I said, simply:

No thanks.

I think I’d gotten the scowl off my face but I couldn’t get rid of the “are you fucking serious” eyebrow raise. Rene was obviously confused by my reaction. The way she looked back at me, you’d think I’d just told her “catfish dinosaur constellation is made of bat semen in the chocolate olfactory hereditary cardinal zeitgeist with goats milk.” or something.

But… wh… why not?

I don’t want to be friends, Rene. I’m not into it. I’m never going to be the guy that you talk with about other guys. That’s not me. I’m not that guy.

I would never do that to you!

I appreciate that, but we’re never going to be friends.

Oh… uhh… ok.. I guess.

In fairness, maybe Rene genuinely wanted to be friends but I spent far too much time in the friendzone as a teenager and I have since flat-out refused to be put there. That might not be very mature, nor an especially nice way to accept what is theoretically a nice offer, but Fuuuuuuuuckkkkk thattttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t be a good friend to someone you’re interested in anyway. It’s shitty scenario and I refuse to be a part of it.

I wasn’t rude in the way I responded to Rene about it, I was just straight forward. I didn’t say it in an aggressive or harsh way, I just told her in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t be friends. As surprised as she was, she seemed to understand where I was coming from.

That’s that

At that point I figured we’d done all the talking we were going to do on the topic and figured it was better to get was no doubt going to be a stupidly awkward drive home over with.

I suggested that we’ve talked about what we came to talk about and that I had to be up for work, so we should head back. Rene, who seemed confused at my reactions in general, agreed with a nod despite her face still being stuck in “I’m not quite sure what just happened here” mode.

As we walked back to Rene’s car, I noticed she had a goofy smile on her face. She wasn’t saying anything but she was very clearly a long way from the near tear outburst of a few minutes before.

What the fuck was that?

As we arrived at Rene’s car I felt something hit my arse. Rene had just given me a smack on the bum!! She was giggling about it as she tried to scamper around the car to the driver’s side.

I had no idea what in the name of almighty fuck was going on. Why the fuck would someone who just broke up with me and tried to friend zone me smack me on the arse? I had no clue but a smack on the arse is a pretty suggestive thing so I grabbed Rene and pushed her down onto the bonnet of her car.

She giggled the whole time. She squirmed and wriggled and was clearly thoroughly enjoying the fact that I was holding her in place. Fortunately, the walk back to the car had jiggled that mega-burp I’d be dealing with around enough that I’d forgotten about it, and now, with Rene pinned down to the bonnet of her car, giggling after smacking my arse, I was free to go in for the kiss.

I leaned in to kiss her and she giggled and squirmed away. I tried again and she giggled even more but again squirmed out of the way. As I was in close to her face but not lined up correctly to kiss her, Rene said…

Don’t make this hard.

I was utterly confused and, not knowing exactly what to do, I tried again to kiss her.

Please don’t make this any harder.

I decided that was enough trying for me. I let Rene up and saw her face was flush and a huge smile across her face. I was confused as all shit. That last bit completely changed how I’d understood the conversation. I thought she’d just broken up with me using generic, lame, bullshit cliches.

We both got into Rene’s fancy little BMW and, still giggling, Rene began driving us back.

Next time

The ridiculous night continues and my brain becomes the equivalent of a grey matter pretzel…

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2 Responses to “Origins #19”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Origins #20 | how not to be a crazy bitch - 2015.07.12

    […] After breaking up with me, Rene had promptly decided that giving me a smack on the arse was the appr…. After I wrestled with her trying to kiss her, she’d told me, “Don’t make this hard.” and I, more confused than ever was now sitting in the passenger seat of her little BMW as we trundled back from our non-date. […]

    Like

  2. Origins #22 | how not to be a crazy bitch - 2016.02.17

    […] Rene (the boss’s daughter) had demanded I ask her out on a date while we were hooking up, whic… […]

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