Origins #21

15 Jul

After a very confusing night out with Rene in which she broke up with me but then conceded that it still seemed like we were going to get together. It had all built up to the moment that, while I sat in the passenger seat of her car on the way back, I was leaning in to kiss Rene.

So how did that turn out?

not-particularly-well

Know what I mean?

Rene leaned away and out of reach. Imagine Neo in the matrix but instead of bullets, he’s dodging kisses from guys, and instead of Neo, it’s my boss’s daughter.

dodge

Ahh! It’s the affection I was crying about not getting the other night!

She looked at me like she understood why I was going for it, but also like it was a bad call, which of course it absolutely was.

miley-awkward

Sooo… that just happened.

For me, it was a case of not leaving anything on the table. I wasn’t especially offended or upset that Rene had avoided my kiss. I had to have a crack at it, so I did, and it didn’t go my way. I was disappointed but at least I tried and I wouldn’t be left wondering what might have happened.

I was still very, very confused because Rene seemed to be saying one thing and meaning another and there appeared to be a serious disconnect between what she was saying she wanted and what she seemed to actually want, but I tried to kiss her and she pulled away, so I had to take that as a “No.”

I looked at Rene, my face full of confusion and disappointment. I understood that she didn’t want to kiss me right then, but not why she’d been so full-steam-ahead the other night and even admitted that it felt like we were going to get together only minutes before, and was still stopping anything happening between us.

Rene looked at me with an understanding, almost apologetic look and said, simply:

You can’t always get what you want.

That statement didn’t help much but, more confused than ever, I deflated back into that luxurious leather seat in my boss’s daughter’s BMW and an old Rolling Stones song rang out at full volume inside my head without disturbing the silence between Rene and I.

The traffic light gods saw my dilemma and kindly changed the light from red to green seconds later. I’d had enough of looking at Rene for the night. I directed my gaze at the massive tent which had housed the Powderfinger concert earlier in the night. I tried to read between the many and varied messages I thought I was getting, hoping to find something that felt like the truth.

Home again

The short trip back from the Bell Tower to my place has erased itself from my memory. I assume I stared out the passenger window and said nothing aside from offering the necessary directions. I don’t remember how we said goodbye but obviously no kissing was involved.

lights-fadeI do remember thinking that the whole night would have been a lot simpler if Rene had just come round to my place in the first place. That thought scratched its way through my head as I watched her BWM dissolve into the feint, red glow of  tail lights, and dissipate into the darkness.

Cringe City, here I come

After climbing the 5 flights of stairs to my apartment I kicked off my shoes and fell onto my bed. I was very, very confused. I know this will sound ridiculous, but I felt like Rene’s efforts to decline had all been what she thought she had to do, not what she wanted to do. Unfortunately however, there was enough conflicting evidence that I couldn’t get a solid read on the situation one way or the other.ross-cringe

And that’s when I started to set up shop in Cringe City. See, something I had previously been unfamiliar with started to happen. I started to do things which didn’t make good sense. My emotions told me to do something and, unlike my normal protocol of logically evaluating the outcome of my behaviour before acting, I caught myself actually doing the thing my emotions told me to do.

In that particular moment, my emotions were telling me to send Rene the following sms:

I think that moment in front of the bell tower really summed things up.

megacringe It’s very tough for me to accept it now that I’m looking back, but I didn’t just feel like sending that message, I actually sent it!

I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

I had to try to kiss you and you had to back out of it. Sums the whole thing up.

I didn’t even mean to send the first message. It happened outside of my control. I sure as hell didn’t expect a response because Rene would still have been driving home. I know that, at the time, I was trying to close out the situation and make sure we were on the same page ahead of running into Rene at the next work function, but I can’t even articulate  how intensely I’m cringing at the thought of sending that follow up message.

cringeI knew it was a ridiculous thing to do, even then, but my emotions had taken control of my fingers. I waited for Rene’s response. Y’know, the one that would explicitly confirm or deny my understanding of what the hell she’d been trying to get across to me throughout the night?

Now we play the waiting game

timeThe minute number on my phone changed from 9:48 to 9:49.

9:49 became 9:50.

9:50 became 9:51.

The screen on my iPhone 3G switched itself off.

“She’s driving, she probably doesn’t have the time to reply properly.” I supposed. “No point staring at your phone waiting around for her”

I switched my phone to silent and put it face down on my bedside table. I showered, brushed my teeth, and everything else I could remotely think to do before going to bed for the night. Eventually, all options exhausted, I turned off the light and returned to my empty, queen sized bed.

I didn’t want to check my phone but the near hour I’d spent trying to distract myself hadn’t worked very well.

I picked it up. Flipped it over. Pressed the home button. The screen lit up the room.

10:39

0 newThere was no new message. There was no missed call. There was no new email. Nothing.

“Maybe she’s been caught up in traffic on the way home. Best not to worry about it until the morning.” I told myself. I put my phone back, face-down on the bedside table.

I pulled my eyelids down and commenced the process of attempting to initiate sleep. You’d assume successfully doing something over 11,000 times would ensure your future success at will without even the slightest issue. The task of falling asleep, however, appears not to become any easier regardless of extensive previous practice.

Just go to fucking sleep already!

I tried everything I could to encourage the sandman to visit me. I did everything I could not to look at my phone. I failed on both counts.

“Maybe I missed it…”
1:27

0 new“I nodded off there for a bit, probably nearly time to get ready for work.”
1:39

0 new
“This is fucked.”

thinking-no-slee “Go to sleep already.”stimpy-nosleep“For fuck’s sake, just go to sleep”
1:54
“It’s nearly two in the morning ya fucking idiot, just go to fucking sleep.”

0 new“This is the worst pillow that has ever been made.”

pillow rage“I was wrong. THIS pillow is the worst pillow that has ever been made!”

pillow-fight2:02
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK”
“I nodded off there for a bit, probably nearly time to get ready for work.”
2:11

0 new“Is that a spider?”

0 new“Maybe she smacked my arse like a coach does to a player, like ‘Good job’. Don’t think about that shit. Just go to sleep.”
sleep-deprivation“Fuck my phone is bright.”

0 new“Of course there’s no new message. She’s asleep you idiot. Stop thinking about it.”
2:41
“I’m really tired now. Better stop thinking about it and get some sleep.”

0 new“‘I had to try to kiss you and you had to back out of it. Sums the whole thing up.’, that’s not so crazy. That’s what happened. Sure I shouldn’t have sent that but it’s not offensive or anything. It’s not like I could get fired over that. Or could I?…”can't sleep3:21
“SERIOUSLY??????? HOW AM I NOT ASLEEP YET???????!?!??!!??!?!!?!?!?”
3:39

insomnia

BRIIIIINGGGGG BRRIIIIIIIIIINGGGGG

“What the fuck is that noise!? Where am I? Who am I? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING NOISE!!!!?!?!?!?!?!”I smashed my hand in the direction of the intrusive screaming noise. It was my phone.

“Oh yeah, I’m a human in my bed and was enjoying a magnificently deep sleep there until this mother fucking noise ruined it by waking me up.”

6:00

It was my alarm. Past me had set it to wake me up with plenty of time to prepare for another day at my awesome new job. Past me was a fucking moron.

6amPast me was so fucking stupid that he actually thought the “old phone” ringtone was a good choice for a sound to wake up to! Didn’t he know I’d had maybe 2 hours of sleep? Who the fuck did he think he was to wake me up?

As moronic as past me had been, present-time me was just as ridiculous, if not worse.

“Oh wait, any new messages?”

6:01

0 newMy phone was as devoid of messages as it had been all night.

“That message wasn’t even a question. Why would she reply to something that wasn’t a question? I was being silly to expect a response”

“You know what? She’ll come round. She’ll figure out whatever it is that’s so complicated, get over whatever bullshit she’s going through, and she’ll eventually come round.”

“Until she does, I’m just gonna focus on doing what I can for myself. First step, focus on my fitness.”

I got onto my bench press and worked out so hard my arms would ache for days, then showered up and headed off for work feeling good about myself.

I was confident that Rene was still interested. In spite of what she’d said, there’d been so much of a vibe telling me that she was, plus she’d literally agreed that we’d still get together. I was just gonna let her come back to me when she was ready and make sure that I was looking and feeling good when she did.

Yeah, that’s right

Yes, somehow, despite everything I was dealing with and how unbelievably confused and stressed out I was, even my lack of sleep couldn’t dampen my spirits. I was, for reasons that elude me today, feeling great that morning.

good timesI think back now and wonder “how that’s possible?” I’d just been smacked from pillar to post through a huge range of emotions and yet there I was, feeling good. Feeling confident! How the hell I managed that, I couldn’t tell you.

What I can tell you is that it wouldn’t last forever.

Next time…

Those emotion things start to rise up and the confusion starts getting the best of me.

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One Response to “Origins #21”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Origins #22 | how not to be a crazy bitch - 2016.02.17

    […] no origins speak, huh? If you have no idea what an Origins post is, check back to the previous one Origins #21, or try the Origins category for more […]

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