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Motherly love

4 Jan

I have a huge affinity for the mothers of the world. The older I get the more I realise just how challenging an undertaking it is to raise a child and just how much hard work and sacrifice goes into it. To the billions of mothers of the world who have put their children’s needs and wants ahead of their own, I salute you and I hope your children show their gratitude to you for everything you have done and will do for them.

A tattoo with the word "Mom" in a love heart

With that said, there are a few mothers out there who are really letting the rest of the team down. I’m not talking about the mother’s who didn’t know the right thing to say when their child was upset, or couldn’t find a way to afford that special item the kid was dreaming of having, or the ones who had no choice but to end the relationship with their child’s father and unfortunately had to put the kid through a tough time in the process. No, those are parts of life. As difficult as those things might be, they’re not malicious acts.



The mothers who are letting everyone else down are those who refuse to accept the responsibilities of being a parent. That’s some real bullshit right there. Your kid has only got one mother and it’s impossible to overstate how important that mother is to her child. To not at least try to do the best for your child is unconscionable. Aside from the very, very small percentage of women who are genuinely forced into being a mother without any choice in the matter, the rest either chose to have a child or at least chose to ignore the steps that go into avoiding having a child.

Once the kid is born, you’ve got one responsibility before all else: to ensure that child gets the best life you can possibly provide him/her/other-politically-correct-alternate-gender-title. If it’s not in you to devote yourself to that child it’s better to put them up for adoption and allow someone else to show that child the love they’ll need.

To not give your kid your all is pretty shitty, but the sad thing is, there are mothers out there who are doing an even worse job than that. There are mothers out there who actually intentionally mistreat their children. If ever there’s someone who deserves the title of crazy bitch, it’s a mother who knowingly harms her child.

Here are a few examples not to follow if you’re fortunate enough to get the opportunity to be a mother:

I didn’t know it was possible to fit the word whore so many times into an 11 minute conversation with your son.

Crazy bitch tip: It’s never ok to wear a white dress to a wedding, least of all to your daughters. Also, when your children are telling you that you’ve hurt them over and over, acknowledgement and an apology is a better starting point than trying to convince them that they’re wrong.

Apparently she “didn’t mean to do that one”.

Crazy bitch tip: You should be mortified if you cause your child to fall and smash their head onto the ground, and if you’re not it’s time to speak to a psychologist about why.

This one is so hard to watch.

Crazy bitch tip: Discipline and torture are not the same thing. If your child is shrieking like an animal from the physical or emotional pain you’re inflicting upon them, you’re doing it wrong.

Crazy bitch tip: if even your dog can tell that you’re doing the wrong thing, it’s time to adjust your approach.

Crazy bitch tip: it is more important to feed your child than have access to the internet.

Crazy bitch tip: not everyone is meant to breed.

The truly revolting

Crazy bitch tip: you’re supposed to fucking protect your children from predators, not invite them into your home.

Crazy bitch tip: if your boyfriend wants to fuck your children, get the fuck away from him!

Crazy bitch tip: do not pimp out your own goddamned child!

Crazy bitch tip: do not pimp out your own goddamned handicapped child! For Fuck’s sake!!!!!!!!!




4 Feb


Crazy bitch tip: Don’t do this.

Origins #3

3 Dec

So, to continue on from origins #2… after all that stress I was really looking forward to Europe.

If you’ve never been to Europe and the opportunity comes up, go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

An international escape

I’d always dreamed of seeing Italy and France and Germany and all the other amazingly beautiful locations in Europe. The reason I decided on Europe specifically was that I’d already been to America in 2006, to Britain in 2008 (with a brief taste of Paris) and had realised that I didn’t want to die without seeing Venice, so I decided I’d better go there next.

It's difficult to be stressed out in Venice

It’s difficult to be stressed out in Venice.

I wanted to get the best bang for my buck that I could, so I’d jumped onto a Contiki tour. A Contiki tours is basically a big party that happens to take place on a bus as it travels through some of the most beautiful destinations on Planet Earth. Contiki’s are a right of passage for Australians. If I remember correctly, well over half of the tour group were Aussies and everyone was ready to go off like a frog in a sock.

What the hell does any of this have to do with the boss’s daughter?

Absolutely nothing. That’s sort of the point. I didn’t think about either of my boss’s daughters the entire time I was away. I barely thought about work at all, and when I did it, it was not in a good way. After the first week, work, and everything else to do with ‘home’ was a long forgotten past that was completely drowned out by the fun I was having every day.

Misadventures in alcohol

I had a lot of fun with a lot of cool people in a lot of beautiful places, but I drank too much on my Contiki tour. I wasn’t alone. One guy drank so much beer he get a yeast infection in his armpits from literally sweating beer all day everyday. There were many mornings where the whole bus was echoing the words “I’m never drinking again” but by lunchtime we were all looking for pubs.

I was on that tour for 28 days and I reckon I was completely sober for maybe 4 of them. I lose my inhibitions when I drink, and that can be an issue. Sometimes I forget what happened when I was drinking, and wake up certain I’ve offended everyone and that I’m the worst human to have ever lived. This tends to take the fun out of waking up with a beautiful woman.

I tend to have no problem making friends in tightly packed social environments like a tour bus, and it’s not like I was a pariah on this Contiki, but I was struggling more than usual. I wasn’t connecting with people as much and I didn’t realise it at the time but I was just too stressed out to be my normal social self, and all that alcohol was only making matters worse. Even though I wasn’t thinking about work, all the stress related to it had burrowed into me so deeply that I was still physically stressed even when I wasn’t thinking about it, but I had no idea that’s what was going on.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I honestly had the trip of a lifetime and made some really good friends, but I drank way too much and acted like a goose sometimes. Turns out I drank so much that when I came back, I started getting withdrawals. So… alcoholism is a thing and apparently can hit you within just 6 weeks of heavy drinking. I don’t recommend it.

You can’t go home again

You can’t just spend 6 summery weeks with awesome people, doing whatever the hell you want as you drunkenly wander through Europe’s most beautiful cities, and then slot back into a never-ending winter while working in a dreary little office for an angry little troll. It just doesn’t work!

All that living reminds you that there’s a whole fucking world out there to enjoy. And all that socialising reminds you that there are actually people in the world who know how to have fun! Do you remember what it’s like to have fun!

These are dangerous things to be reminded of when you’re having a tough time at work. These thoughts were in direct contrast with the project manager who wanted me to be his obedient little slave. I had pretty much forgotten about stress by the time I’d returned, and then this little tick was trying to suck all the life back out of me again. There are some people who just shouldn’t exist, and to my mind, Gus the project manager is one of them.

More to come

Obviously I didn’t tell you all that for no reason. It will become more apparent as we go on, I promise. The most important parts are that I didn’t think about Rene Everlong at all while I was away and that the stress from my job had gotten so bad that it was still impacting me even when I was running amok through Europe, even though I hadn’t realised that at the time.

Catch ya next time in Origins #4

Crazy bitch tip: If you want to get all your craziness and bitchiness out in a non-stop party, a Contiki is great way to go about it because everyone is so blotto they’ll barely even notice.



Lingerie can only do so much

29 Nov

If you’re buying sexy lingerie, my guess is that the reason is you’d like to feel sexy. Maybe it’s just for you, maybe it’s because you like the way your significant other reacts to seeing you in that sort of clothing. At the end of the day, though, you want to feel good about yourself and you’re throwing some of the task of helping you feel that way on the shoulders of your chosen lingerie.

The thing about that is, your undies can only really do so much to help you feel good about yourself. You’ve got to remember that it’s how you behave that’s going to matter more.

These people were at the black friday sales somewhere in America the other day, and they were all pretty intent on getting the same short supply of sexy undies. Check out how it played out…

I don’t know about the rest of you, but that’s not a turn on for me. If I was watched my significant other behave like that, the last thing I’d be thinking is getting her home to see how she looks in the lingerie she manhandled another woman to get.

If the ultimate goal of this scenario was for each woman to feel better about herself, then the actions they chose have clearly gone against that intent.

This way of thinking doesn’t only apply to wrestling strangers on the ground in apartment store to buy some discounted but still over-priced frilly bits of cloth, it applies to life in general. Keep in mind your primary goal, and consider the importance of the obstacles that come up in your path on the way to that goal before you react to them.

If, for example, you suspect that you might have to get into a fight just to get some undergarments at a discount, perhaps that won’t help your life. Perhaps, it’s not worth it. Perhaps the negative impact of being caught on video in a scrum in an underwear department on black friday will actually make you feel worse about yourself, and therefore isn’t a good decision.

Crazy bitch tip: stop and think about what’s about to play about before you decide to tackle a person to the ground over some pricey cloth.

I forgot to tell you that a princess contacted me

21 Oct

I had some friends around today. One of them designed the Scragus Australis character from the previous post, so I was showing him how the post looked and that brought up the story of recently being contacted by a person who’s trying to get rid of a meme from the internet, which is a whole other story in itself, but that reminded me that I got a comment on a post from a self-proclaimed princess a while ago, and I bloody well forgot to tell anyone about it.

I figure now’s as good a time as any…

A while back, I was browsing youtube and fell into one of those deep, scary youtube rabbit holes. I started out watching fail videos and the suggested videos just got weirder and weirder.  Eventually, I stumbled onto a video of a beautiful young woman in her underwear screaming at the imaginary viewers on the other side of the camera to punch themselves in the balls because she, like, is, like, y’know?, like, pretty.

A screenshot from the video

This is a screenshot from the video, but please remember not to punch yourself in the balls for me, it’s not my thing, it’s hers.

You’re all familiar with that classic thing where you see an attractive person and the first thing you think of to impress them is to throw fists at your genitals to bruise ’em up good for their approval? It’s like that, except not made up. I’m telling you, it actually happened in a video that used to be on youtube. The pretty young lady in the video above yells at you to punch your balls. She even used the previously non-existant term ‘ball-punch’!

After I watched the video, I was so impressed with how crazy our nut-punch instructor had appeared that I felt I had no choice but to share it with the readers. In the article I made a bunch of jokes about the difference between someone who is given the title ‘Princess’ and those who just decide they’re a princess and I shared a less than favourable opinion of the star of the show.

One thing I definitely did not expect was for the princess herself to drop a comment onto the post. Now, the comment was pretty funny and I wanted to allow it, but this site is hosted by a network that doesn’t want to be associated with porn in any way and the comment contained links to websites that sell porn, so I couldn’t approve it at the time.

BUT! After talking with my mates today I discovered that I still have it, so here’s an edited version of it:

Thanks for that astute analysis on me! Not surprisingly, you’ve got it wrong (I won’t say completely wrong since you have nailed the fact that I’m vain and love my “job” as a Femdom and financial dominatrix). I’ll take the free promo though so, thanks for that! Note that the above video is five years old and has actually been stolen and is therefore being used illegally and without my consent. If you’d like to see more of my “vulgar,” “weird,” and “sociopathic” work, you can find me featured on [dirty website #1] or [dirty website #2]. I have a personal website as well! [Dirty website #3]. I post a lot of hot pictures on twitter too (@YouCanFindItForYourselfIfYouReallyWantToAndNoThisIsNotIt). Enjoy!

* edits are in super sexy, princess pink

Now, there’s shameless self-promotion and then there’s trying advertise places to find your very… let’s say ‘niche’ …videos on an article in which you’ve been referred to as a sociopath. I’m no branding expert but I suspect that’s not the traditional approach to good PR.

Anyway, I didn’t approve that comment and low and behold, a few days later I receive a comment on the same post from a different account. I didn’t approve that comment either because it was just way too weird. Seeing that I’m on the topic though, I’m going to give you a look at it…

Screenshot 2014-10-21 20.46* also edited in pink for ProfessorWankly’s privacy

So… yeahhh. Not quite sure what to say about that but ProfessorWankly sure seemed focused on phallic shaped objects and the various things he (Wait, I just assumed it was a guy but it could be a woman, geez, that was quite sexist of me. Sorry about that, ladies.) had decided I’d been doing with them.

Whatever you think of ProfessorWankly, you have to admire his (or her) commitment to the person who wants him/her to punch him/herself in the balls and send money to her for the impressively challenging task of continuing to exist.

But back to my original story…

OK, so my mates were over and I was having a laugh with them about these comments and they asked to see the original post. When I attempted to show them, I sadly discovered that the original video that astounded me so, has been removed from youtube. I can tell you that this news resulted in a big fat feeling of disappointment for me because I used to get a real kick out of seeing people react to watching that vid.

Trooper that I am, however, I got onto that handy little search feature and found this little gem:

Looks like I was wrong because things are really looking up for the star of the show. She’s now the proud owner of a video camera, complete with a remote! I think my favourite part of this video is where the costar squeezes her breasts together into the out-of-focus camera and says “Hi Mum! Boobs. Boobs”

I lost access to one magnificent video and found another. But I’m not just even steven, no I’m a lucky fellow because I found ANOTHER impressive video in the suggestions along side there!

So, I guess there are people who are into that sort of thing but I still think this is some crazy shit.

Crazy bitch tip: I dunno, don’t yell at people about how they should lick your feet because they’re beneath you. Whatever. I’m tired. You get the very tired.

So glad

30 Jul


Crazy bitch tip: keep in mind that the child you attempted to abort might one day be able to read.


Do not combine firearms, bicycles and bikinis

16 Jun

Do not wear aerials

4 May


Crazy bitch tip: wearing aerials makes you look crazy.

A basic lesson

3 Apr

I think people occasionally misunderstand the purpose of this site. I know using the words “crazy bitch” all over the place might give off a vibe of misogyny but that’s not what this is about at all.

I don’t hate women. If anything, it’s the opposite. I put this site together after going through some pretty intense circumstances from being on the receiving end of some really, reaaaallly out-there behaviour from a few different girls. It’s a long story but at a certain point it dawned on me that I’d been foolishly attempting to use logic in a battle with crazy, and that just won’t work.

Once I figured that out, it realised that the girls I’d been dealing with either didn’t understand how crazy they came across, or worse, thought they were entitled to behave ridiculously because they’re female. To which I say NOPE!

I guess I could have come to the conclusion that all women are crazy but I didn’t. Instead, I tried to figure out the prime indicators of crazy-bitchity, so I could avoid the nutters and only spend time with normal, sane women.

Under the assumption that no normal woman would ever want to decided to offer what I consider light hearted educational materials on what sorts of behaviours give off the big flashing warning signs .

Not all women are bitches. Not all women are crazy. Not all bitches are crazy. I get that.

I get that there are basic bitches, too. That’s not what this sites about but I got a laugh outta this, so I’m putting it here anyway:

I’m planning a How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch origins thingo in which I’ll try and flesh out the “long story” I mentioned above. It’s pretty epic.

Letter to the Editor #1

21 Mar

Holy mother of crap! We’ve received our first ever letter to the editor and I couldn’t be more proud!

Check it out…


Dear How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch,

Do you think my friend qualifies as a crazy bitch?

A few years ago my best friend Zoe suggested we go on a weeklong holiday with another close friend of hers, Nina. I had only previously met Nina on a few occasions, but trusted my best friend’s decision that we’d get along and have a good time, which we did.

After spending practically every minute together, we all became really close. I was initially surprised as to just how much I got along with Nina, but soon came to realise that it wasn’t that far fetched to enjoy the company of a friend’s friend. After all, Nina and I were friends with Zoe for similar reasons. It’s almost inevitable that we’d have compatible personalities, isn’t it?

Well, not according to Zoe who, in the years since, has turned into one heck of a crazy bitch and it’s all because of my friendship with Nina. You see, once we got back home, us three would regularly catch up, but soon life got in the way, making it difficult to arrange times for us all to meet up. And here’s where the stupidity begins.

Zoe finds it ‘weird’ that I hang out with Nina one-on-one, that is, without Zoe. Now, just to be clear, I see both Zoe and Nina as much as I would any other friend. So it’s not like I’ve replaced Zoe with Nina; I’ve simply made another friend. But apparently there’s a problem with that. Zoe loathes the fact that Nina and I see each other and, for some peculiar reason, cannot comprehend why we are friends. She’s practically insulted whenever she discovers that Nina and I have gone out!

Zoe even once bluntly told me that she’s ‘disgusted’ at the situation. Utterly confused, I asked why, but she failed to provide a rational answer and, instead, blamed me for not being able to ‘sympathise’ with her feelings.

Zoe’s problem, which has absolutely no logical basis at all, is taking its toll on me. I see passive-aggressiveness in her texts and body language. Whenever I’m with her, I’m confronted and interrogated with questions about where and with who I was at specific times, as if I’m some suspect in a crime. I’m virtually found guilty by Zoe if I fail to inform her of every encounter and conversation that I’ve personally had with Nina. This is what ‘catching up’ with Zoe now consists of and I’m getting really fed up by it.

So, do I have a crazy bitch on my hands or am I just paranoid?

Thanks, Confused Girl

*names have been changed

So here’s what I think, Confused Girl…

This Zoe character is displaying quite the collection of crazy-bitchitudes and, as you’ve rightly pointed out, rationality doesn’t appear to be a big part of her thought process. You definitely don’t sound paranoid but Zoe sure seams to be dealing with a case of it and its sanity sapping, brain bending abilities.

I’m sure Zoe is a generally nice person but she’s really giving it to you with both barrels because she’s struggling to make sense of her own emotions. Unfortunately, there’s an insecurity pushing her logic out the window and providing you a first-hand account of crazy-bitch syndrome. Lack of logic and  emotional overreactions are the key symptoms in this case. Zoe’s not liking the emotion that your friendship with Nina is causing her and in classic crazy-bitch style she’s going to continue to blame you for it until the feeling goes away.

In all fairness, it would feel a bit weird to introduce your friends to each other and then find them hanging out without you, so maybe the best way forward is talk it over with Zoe and to tell her you understand why it’s affecting her. Be sure to point out that it’s actually a really good thing and that you really appreciate her introducing you to someone you get along with so well. Even if you don’t understand why she’s so bothered, try and sympathise with her.

You might also try inviting Zoe along whenever you and Nina are making plans. Zoe will at least feel included and my bet is, if you invite her often enough, it won’t matter to her so much anymore.

If Zoe can’t get her head around it, that’s not your fault. If she continues to be weird about it after you’ve made an effort to be understanding, just don’t hang out with her for a while.

Either way, It’ll all blow over eventually.


This was kind of fun! I’d love to hear more stories and questions from the rest of you about your experiences with crazy-bitches.

Crazy bitch tip: If someone asks you why you’re upset with them and you can’t give them an answer, you’re quite likely to be heading into cookoo mcGoo territory.

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