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The Queen of Queef

11 Aug

I’m not saying she’s a crazy bitch but chances are a lot of other people would think so…

Then again, if your life’s goal involves a queefs scoreboard and a microphone pressed against your birth canal, who am I to judge? Just be aware that you might not be as revered as you hope.

Crazy bitch tip: Dedication to a skill is generally a good thing, but be sure that skill is useful.

 

Who should pay on a date?

19 Jun

The question “Who should pay on a date?” comes up often. I listen to a few podcasts from New York and I hear a lot of the female guests talking about how they’ll go out on dates with guys they have no interest in whatsoever just to get a free meal and some drinks. That’s some stupid shit right there. Not to say that you shouldn’t let someone pay for your night out but don’t let that be the only reason you’re going out with them.

To trade your time for ‘treats’ is pretty gross. A lot of the women I’ve heard telling these stories later explain that they hook up with the guys as a sort of trade-off, sometimes even going to the extent of sleeping with them. One of these girls started her story off by saying how creepy and gross and old the guy who took her out was, and how she only went out with him because he offered to take her to a really ritzy restaurant; but by the end of the story she’s back at his place giving him head! She had absolutely no interest in the guy and  no intention of seeing him again, but then he offered to take her to another nice restaurant and, what do you know… she agreed!

That’s! fucking! crazy!

I’m not a fan of the “how to attract/catch/get/trap/capture/cage-up the [person] of your dreams” things, but I saw this particular explanation come up on Reddit about who should pay on dates, and I think the point this bloke makes is excellent.

“Treat the guy you’re interested in as well as you’d treat your best friend.” Now that’s some damned good advice, right there.

And how’s that chick’s form? “I’ve been seeing a guy for 5 months and he’s starting to suggest that I contribute to the cost of dinner when we go out!” Yeah, NO SHIT! because it’s fucking mental that you’ve been involved with someone for 5 months and haven’t paid for a single dinner!

Holy mother of crap! I cannot understand where people get these ideas from. Even if you’re going out with a billionaire you should still buy a round of drinks or whatever from time to time. It’s just courtesy!

So who pays on a date? The human beings that consumed the meal. If someone offers to cover the whole bill themselves you should at least offer to cover your share anyway, and if they refuse you should appreciate the fact that someone was so happy to spend time with you that they willingly paid their hard-earned money to treat you to a meal.

Crazy bitch tip: At least offer to pay your share.

Musical Madness (Rachel Bloom seems pretty cool)

6 Apr

I’m not familiar with the show these videos are from, and to be honest, I only found out about any of this because I saw some big boobs bouncing around on my feed and that was enough to catch the caveman part of my brain and triggered further investigation.

I don’t think that’s entirely my fault. Anyways, I figured anything from a show called ‘Crazy Ex Girlfriend‘ is probably gonna have some content that suits this site. Turns out I was right.

Strangely enough, I don’t think Rachel Bloom is a crazy bitch, I think she’s just using satire to get her point across. I’m a huge fan of that approach, so she actually seems pretty awesome to me.

Yeah, ok, that’s a bit nuts but she is living proof that acting like a crazy bitch is not a permanent thing, that people can choose not to be crazy bitches.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to masturbate angrily after watching that one or not, but I guess I’m gonna have to check out her show now.

Crazy bitch tip: if you ever catch yourself lying in your diary, it’s probably time to talk to someone about what’s going on in your life.

 

Bonus Video:

Do not try to blackmail famous athletes

23 Feb

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t try to blackmail people, it’s a shitty thing to do. Also, sometimes it backfires and you come off looking like a complete moron and a crazy bitch.

In Australia we have dropbears, in Orange County they have…

17 Feb

So… there’s a girl in her underwear in a tree, and a lady pulls up in her car to ask her if everything’s ok. That’s an odd enough beginning, but then things get even more strange…

So we start out with one person at very high risk of being considered a crazy bitch by passers-by, but it could be argued that the crazy bitch count doubles when the driver starts screaming “whore” at the random stranger in the tree.

In fairness to the driver, she clearly started out with good intentions and was taken aback by being called a ‘fat bitch’. That doesn’t alter the fact that she was then driven to scream whore at a half naked stranger in a tree, which, let’s face it, is a pretty out of the ordinary thing for a person to be doing.

Honestly, I feel bad for that girl in the tree because There’s a strong possibility she was having an adverse reaction to drugs, but however she ended up there, I hope she has learned a lesson from this experience and is making efforts to avoid similar scenarios in the future. Hopefully she finds a way to utilize her quick, roasting wit to her advantage and end up an insult comic.

Crazy bitch tip #1: If you climb trees in your underwear and abuse passing motorists, people are going to call you a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip #2: If you scream whore repeatedly out the window of your car, people will call you a crazy bitch, even if you started out with good intentions.

A punch to the face is not a “love-tap”

3 Feb

First off, a punch to the face is not a love-tap. This girl is ridiculous and unbelievably irresponsible. I think she is just saying it for the attention it brings, and I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than her actually believing it.

Crazy bitch tip: If anyone hits you, they don’t know how to love you. Get the fuck away from them.

Motherly love

4 Jan

I have a huge affinity for the mothers of the world. The older I get the more I realise just how challenging an undertaking it is to raise a child and just how much hard work and sacrifice goes into it. To the billions of mothers of the world who have put their children’s needs and wants ahead of their own, I salute you and I hope your children show their gratitude to you for everything you have done and will do for them.

A tattoo with the word "Mom" in a love heart

With that said, there are a few mothers out there who are really letting the rest of the team down. I’m not talking about the mother’s who didn’t know the right thing to say when their child was upset, or couldn’t find a way to afford that special item the kid was dreaming of having, or the ones who had no choice but to end the relationship with their child’s father and unfortunately had to put the kid through a tough time in the process. No, those are parts of life. As difficult as those things might be, they’re not malicious acts.

bad

Unacceptable

The mothers who are letting everyone else down are those who refuse to accept the responsibilities of being a parent. That’s some real bullshit right there. Your kid has only got one mother and it’s impossible to overstate how important that mother is to her child. To not at least try to do the best for your child is unconscionable. Aside from the very, very small percentage of women who are genuinely forced into being a mother without any choice in the matter, the rest either chose to have a child or at least chose to ignore the steps that go into avoiding having a child.

Once the kid is born, you’ve got one responsibility before all else: to ensure that child gets the best life you can possibly provide him/her/other-politically-correct-alternate-gender-title. If it’s not in you to devote yourself to that child it’s better to put them up for adoption and allow someone else to show that child the love they’ll need.

To not give your kid your all is pretty shitty, but the sad thing is, there are mothers out there who are doing an even worse job than that. There are mothers out there who actually intentionally mistreat their children. If ever there’s someone who deserves the title of crazy bitch, it’s a mother who knowingly harms her child.

Here are a few examples not to follow if you’re fortunate enough to get the opportunity to be a mother:

I didn’t know it was possible to fit the word whore so many times into an 11 minute conversation with your son.

Crazy bitch tip: It’s never ok to wear a white dress to a wedding, least of all to your daughters. Also, when your children are telling you that you’ve hurt them over and over, acknowledgement and an apology is a better starting point than trying to convince them that they’re wrong.

Apparently she “didn’t mean to do that one”.

Crazy bitch tip: You should be mortified if you cause your child to fall and smash their head onto the ground, and if you’re not it’s time to speak to a psychologist about why.

This one is so hard to watch.

Crazy bitch tip: Discipline and torture are not the same thing. If your child is shrieking like an animal from the physical or emotional pain you’re inflicting upon them, you’re doing it wrong.

Crazy bitch tip: if even your dog can tell that you’re doing the wrong thing, it’s time to adjust your approach.

Crazy bitch tip: it is more important to feed your child than have access to the internet.

Crazy bitch tip: not everyone is meant to breed.

The truly revolting

Crazy bitch tip: you’re supposed to fucking protect your children from predators, not invite them into your home.

Crazy bitch tip: if your boyfriend wants to fuck your children, get the fuck away from him!

Crazy bitch tip: do not pimp out your own goddamned child!

Crazy bitch tip: do not pimp out your own goddamned handicapped child! For Fuck’s sake!!!!!!!!!

 

If you can’t handle…

12 Nov If you can't handle a feisty woman throwing glassware at your head without hitting her, then maybe you're not the man you think you are

There’s a popular quote attributed to Marilyn Monroe, which reads:

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and am at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at  my best - Marilyn Monroe

The quote has become abbreviated to “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” and that shortened version has become part of common parlance in most English speaking places. This version is typically assumed to be understood as

“I’m not perfect, but if you can’t get past that, you’ll miss out on what makes me great.”

and I reckon that’s a fair and reasonable sentiment to express.

Warping the message

The problem is, that’s doesn’t seem to be what the people who are using this quote actually mean. So what message are the people who utter this quote actually trying to get across? My interpretation is that, usually, they’re saying:

“It’s not my fault if you can’t put up with how inappropriately I sometimes act. Get used to it or go away.”

That sentiment is not so reasonable to me.

Clearly, whoever put this eCard together is taking a different meaning as well:

What she really means is "I'm a fucking psycho"

The way I see it, everyone has their issues. Some more than others, and often that’s completely out of people’s control. There’s nothing wrong with having issues but there is a big problem when you choose to allow yourself to act inappropriately because of them.

Snap back to reality

I prefer this take on Marilyn’s quote:

If you can't handle me at my worst, I don't blame  you, because that shit is ridiculous.

At least it’s self-aware.

Woah, woah, woah!

But as I mentioned, there are many people making use of this quote to excuse themselves for their shitty behaviour. How’s this one?

If you can't handle a feisty woman throwing glassware at your head without hitting her, then maybe you're not the man you think you are

As I always say, a man should never hit a woman, but also, a woman should never hit a man, or throw glassware at his head. I think we all agree that the man referenced in the quote shouldn’t hit the woman, but the question that comes to mind is… why the fuck was she throwing glassware at his head? Moreover, how the fuck has she convinced herself that the glassware throwing aspect of this scenario is not at least a part of the problem?

Your thoughts, Fresh Prince?

In the words of the great thinker, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

handle you? you're not an animal!

You’re being sexist!

In an effort to avoid being too male-centric with my thinking, here’s what Cate Gary has to say on the matter.

cate-quote

Cate makes some damned good points.

Firstly, just because you have good points, that doesn’t necessarily outweigh your bad points. Your bad points may be so horrible that you couldn’t justify them even if you were busy curing cancer the rest of the time. There are limits! I’m sure Hitler had some good points too, but they didn’t tally up against his whole “trying to exterminate entire races” thing, now did they?

Secondly, Marilyn was unbelievably sexy, but that’s pretty much all you ever hear about her. We don’t reflect on Marylin Monroe as a great mind of our time. In fact, you could argue that she is the original bimbo. While sex appeal has its own value, let’s face it… it’s 90% inherited through genetics. The reason we’ve all heard of her and seen pictures of her is because she had a fantastic body and a beautiful face, and she knew how to move in a seductive manner. No doubt she worked hard to keep her figure and to star in enough films to get her name so well known, but if she wasn’t blessed with her good looks I don’t think we would ever have heard of her.

In her own words

Check out this interview with Marilyn Monroe and make up your own mind.

So there’s not a lot about Marilyn that suggests that she’s a great role model for success. As Cate Gary mentioned above, it’s rather the opposite. No matter how you look at it, she had access to everything a person could want, but she wasn’t around long enough to enjoy it.

Here’s what she had to say when asked if she was happy:

“I’m genuinely miserable” – Marilyn Monroe.

Now, I don’t want to bag out Marilyn Monroe here, because the more footage of her I watch, the closer I get to falling in love with this long gone starlet, but it’s certainly clear that she wasn’t happy, especially at the end of her life, and that she would have preferred to be in a different situation. Perhaps, if she had addressed some of her self-confessed bad points, and not relied on people being willing to handle her, things might have ended differently.

Back to that quote

You don’t have to be at your best all the time, and it is fair to expect those who care about you to be understanding of your flaws and how you act when things get too much, but don’t go getting confused into thinking that they should put up with whatever you want to throw at them because you’re just so friggin amazing on your good days.

You have a responsibility to handle yourself and to remember that the people who love you shouldn’t have to put up with you treating them like shit just because that’s what you feel like doing at that moment in time. Instead of throwing glassware at your significant other, speak to a psychiatrist about why you get so worked up that you even want to throw glassware at your significant other!

Remember, even Marilyn Monroe ran into guys who wouldn’t put up with her shit.

Crazy bitch tip: Learn to handle yourself before you go expecting anyone else to put up with your bullshit.

Side note

The life of Marilyn Monroe is very interesting, and ultimately, a sad reminder that things aren’t always beautiful for the beautiful people. Check out this film about who miss Norma Jeane really was underneath.

What a shame to lose such an interesting person just because she had such a hot body.

But… butt… why the arsehole?

9 Sep

I know I’m getting older and I’m losing touch with what’s cool and what’s not, but…

Asshole tattooSeriously?

If someone come to me and said, “hey I want to make hundreds of tiny painful incisions in your poo chute and leave ink in those holes so that there’ll be a permanent design there”, the only chance they have of getting me to agree to it is by following that up with, “and I’m going to pay you $1,000,000 if you let me do it.” And even then I’m not sure I’d go for it. If I did, I would do so begrudgingly and be keeping it very, very quiet.

So it makes it difficult for me to understand that the girl in that picture went to that tattooist and told him, she’d pay him to do that to her. I actually feel bad for the tattooist because that’s gotta be one of the shittiest jobs he’s ever had to undertake.

And you’ve gotta wonder why anyone would want a tattoo on their clacker. Even if you’re an exhibitionist, it’s not exactly an easy location to see. Frankly, the whole thing is outside of the realm of logic for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking it’s just a bit too out there to be anything less than cookoo mcgoos.

Hey, at least it’s unique

Y’know, it’s amazing how far people will go to be unique. The Guiness Book of World Records is testament to that. Maybe the woman in the picture above thought she was going to be unique because of her tattooed brown eye. Maybe that was part of why she decided to get it done.

I hope not, because…

and also…

So…

It’s your body, you own it. You can do whatever you want with it. It’s just that some things might seem like a good idea at the time but turn out to be horrible choices down the line. Think about it. As weird as it would be going through the process of getting a tattoo on your rectum, at least tatooists are generally used to weird shit, but if (when) you change your mind and decide to get it removed, you’re going to have to explain to someone that you thought getting an anus tattoo was a great idea back in the day but you’ve changed your mind now and you’d really like lasers shot directly at your bunghole to get rid of it.

It’s your right to make bad choices and trust me, I’ve made a fuckload of them myself, but I’ve never gotten a goddamned butthole tattoo because everyone knows that’s a fucking crazy thing to do.

Crazy bitch tip: You really, really, really, really realllllllllllllllllllly don’t need a tattoo on your arsehole.

When driving, do not get out of your car and watch it roll into oncoming traffic

6 Sep

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what the explanation is. The how and why become irrelevant when the potential outcome of your behaviour is so severe. Here’s one such situation:

Yep. She slammed on her brakes in the middle of traffic, then hopped out of the car and casually walked away as the car she had just been driving propelled itself directly into oncoming traffic.

It is obvious to anyone who watches the video that the woman who was driving the car and then abandoned it put lives at risk. The initial heavy breaking very nearly caused a nose to tail accident, which often results in a concertina effect where several vehicles collide as a result of the initial accident/accident avoidance. That’s bad enough, but then the uncontrolled vehicle heads straight into oncoming traffic and collides with an SUV. Considering how ridiculously dangerous that situation was, one bent car is an extraordinarily good outcome.

That car could have hit a pedestrian, bicyclist, motorcyclist, or tagged an oncoming car in the wrong spot and killed someone.

Maybe she thought it was autonomous google car and it’d be alright on its own. Maybe she was having a rough day. Maybe she’d just had a huge fight with a loved one, or her newborn had died that morning, or she was just told she has cancer, or… the worst possible thing you can come up with in your head to make this a remotely conceivable situation to be in.  It doesn’t fucking matter what she was going through. There is no excuse.

Anyway, I think it’s a safe bet to assume that anyone who saw this happen had a pretty loud version of “what a crazy bitch!” run through their heads.

Crazy bitch tip: consider the impact of your actions on other people.

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