Tag Archives: boobs

Musical Madness (Rachel Bloom seems pretty cool)

6 Apr

I’m not familiar with the show these videos are from, and to be honest, I only found out about any of this because I saw some big boobs bouncing around on my feed and that was enough to catch the caveman part of my brain and triggered further investigation.

I don’t think that’s entirely my fault. Anyways, I figured anything from a show called ‘Crazy Ex Girlfriend‘ is probably gonna have some content that suits this site. Turns out I was right.

Strangely enough, I don’t think Rachel Bloom is a crazy bitch, I think she’s just using satire to get her point across. I’m a huge fan of that approach, so she actually seems pretty awesome to me.

Yeah, ok, that’s a bit nuts but she is living proof that acting like a crazy bitch is not a permanent thing, that people can choose not to be crazy bitches.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to masturbate angrily after watching that one or not, but I guess I’m gonna have to check out her show now.

Crazy bitch tip: if you ever catch yourself lying in your diary, it’s probably time to talk to someone about what’s going on in your life.

 

Bonus Video:

Do not assault and abuse priests in the name of ‘equality’

26 Feb

A few weeks back, a video surfaced of some very angry Argentinian women attacking a group of male priests as they stood in defence of their cathedral.

[Warning: this video contains violence, vulgarity, and female nudity]

What the hell is going on here?

The reason for this conflict is because Argentina has strict laws which limit abortion. Abortions may only be conducted if the woman has been raped, or if she is mentally incapable of rearing a child. The women in the video are fighting for their rights to have control over their own bodies, to be able to choose to have abortions, and they blame the Catholic church for blocking the removal of religious based abortion laws through the Argentinian governmental system.

At a certain point in the video, the women are chanting:

“To the Roman Catholic Apostolic Church, who wants to get between our sheets, we say that we want to be whores, travesties and lesbians. Legal abortion in every hospital.”

I know that these issues are contentious, but my personal belief is that a woman has the right to choose what happens to her body, so in theory, I sympathise with these women.

But in action? Not so much.

The women in this video are attacking the men standing guard of their church. They swear at them, spray-paint the men’s crotches, draw swastikas on the foreheads of the men, perform lewd acts together in front of the men, and even force their naked bodies against the men, intentionally causing the men to touch their nipples, bums and vaginas. The women run around topless and even completely naked as they scream at the top of their lungs. They spit in the faces of the priests and violently attack them.

Why it’s so very wrong to behave this way

Fair play, sometimes it’s difficult not to lose your shit when you feel like you’re being oppressed. I get that. Trust me, I seriously do know what it’s like to want to punch people in the face because they’re mistreating you. The thing is, by actually following through with your urges to violence, you downgrade yourself. Regardless of the validity of your point, you won’t be taken seriously.

If you’ve just seen someone rip off their clothes and force a priest to touch their breast before drawing a swastika on his head, punching him in the face, spitting in his eyes and then masturbate in front of him while grinding against him, would you take that persons opinion seriously?

No! Of course you wouldn’t! How could you possibly separate their opinion from their ridiculous and vulgar actions?

In addition to the fact that much of the behaviour in this video is actually criminal, the bigger reason that it’s the wrong thing to do is that it damages the movement the women believe they are fighting for.

Imagine the thoughts running through the minds of these very religious men as they’re being spat upon and punched and spray-painted. The women in the video are living out what these priests believe to be the actions of temptation and sin. The women in the video are proving to their religious enemies that they can’t even protest without acting like Godless heathens.

Personally, I’m not religious, but even as a non religious person I still think it’s way beyond necessary to spit in a priests face because you disagree with the actions of the church. That’s like spitting at the kid who serves you at McDonalds because you’re unhappy with the company’s globalisation efforts. It’s not the kid’s fault and it’s not the priest’s fault, and spitting on them isn’t going to fix anything anyway.

These women claim to be feminists but behaviour like this makes it more difficult for the women’s movement to progress against a heavily religious government. It reinforces mistaken religious beliefs that women are temptresses designed to cause men to sin. It does the exact opposite of the intention of the protest. That’s why it’s a fucking terrible way to protest.

Better options

What better options do these women have? Pretty much every option except the one they’ve chosen.

In most places, women are near enough to half the population, so voting is an excellent way to bring about change. These women could have supported politicians who would go on to fight for their rights using the political system.

Another reasonably approach would have been to use the media, both domestically and abroad. Unlike only a few decades ago, we now have the opportunity to create and share journalistic content ourselves. We can make important issues known not just within our own small communities, but we can make our voices heard the world over.

In this particular case, though, I think the best way to stick it to the religious litigators would have been to have a peaceful protest. Instead of raging at the priests, treat them in the same exact way the women themselves are fighting to be treated… with respect and dignity. Imagine how differently the rest of the world would have reacted in 20,000 women had gathered around that church and stayed there for a week without damaging anything or hurting anyone. Imagine the positive message that would have brought for the women’s rights movement in Argentina. It would have shown the powers that be that these women are here and demand to be noticed, but that they’re civilized enough to have reasonably discussions about the problems they’re facing.

Learn from this

The fight to ensure women around the world are treated as equals to men is a very worthy cause. Believe it or not, the majority of blokes I know are also in favour of women being treated as equals. The problem is that the remaining bag of dickheads who do see women as inferior point at actions like those seen in this video as evidence which proves their outdated way of thinking.

I think the thing to take from seeing this clusterfuck of violence and criminal behaviour is to learn that you get far better outcomes by choosing not to lose your shit, even in the face of oppression and mistreatment. Like I said, I totally understand the urge to boil over with rage and go apeshit, but if it will only get you further away from what you’re really after, what do you gain from doing so?

The archaic structures that are still in place to limit people’s individual freedoms and rights are being smashed away more quickly than at any point in human history, but we must all be patient as we try to deconstruct these relics from yesterday.

Crazy bitch tip: Screaming and spitting do not help you get your point across effectively.

 

Read more about this event at: opposingviews.com/i/religion/topless-feminist-mob-attacks-cathedral-argentina

How not to negotiate

24 Feb

Okily dokily, this one’s pretty straight forward. There are many ways to negotiate but there’s one way that will immediately get you labeled as a crazy bitch.

The lady in this video was met with a difficult situation in which she was told the item she had for sale was not worth the value that she had been hoping to get for it. Instead of attempting to find out what it was worth, or accepting that she would not make the sale today, she instead explains that her boobs are real and pulls them out as something of value that she’d like some money for.

In case you hadn’t guessed, taking your breasts out and demanding money for them midway through negotiations is not the best way to go. It’s not even a good way to go if you’re a prostitute, let alone when you’re trying to sell something at a pawn shop.

So, to reiterate, if you’re trying to sell something and someone tells you it’s not worth what you want for it, do not take your boobies out and demand money for them instead. This is considered crazy bitch behaviour.

Crazy bitch tip: Keep your clothes on during negotiations.

Origins #10

23 Feb

I’d just slid face first across my bed into my boss’s daughter’s boobs after trying very hard to behave myself. As I mentioned last time, I don’t want to go into too much detail about what we got up to, but I do have to tell you some things because they’re relevant to the story.

I should also also point out that I’m doing my best remember all this stuff accurately even thought it happened over 4 years ago. I’m confident that what I do remember is accurate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I muddle up the sequence of events of this particular night. I doubt I’d remember much of it at all if I hadn’t been forced to think about it so much, but we’ll get to that later and why I’d rather forget the whole damned thing. For now, we’ll carry on from me being in bed with my boss’s daughter.

A face-full

I dived across the bed and went face first into boobtown. Rene absolutely loved it and sounded ridiculously happy about what was happening. She was giggling and running her hands through my hair and down my back. There was no confusion here. Rene Everlong had 100% intentionally gotten me into bed with her and was loving the fact that her efforts were paying off. We kissed. We touched. Clothes were thrown asunder in the same way those pesky hamburger wrappers are furiously discarded by teenagers as they attack the grease laden nourishment they’ve hunted down in a munchies-driven, fast food binge.

That is to say, there was passion in the moment.

A real man

Somewhere in the mix Rene said, “It’s been so long since I’ve been with a real man.”

I guess the point of her telling me that was for Rene to let me know that she viewed me as a real man, whatever the fuck that means, but I also took it to mean that she separates men into two categories: ‘real men’, and the rest. About that same time, Rene also mentioned that she liked that I was biting her neck by saying something about ‘rough’ being good.

I’m telling you these things that I’d rather keep private because they’re important to the story. For example, I liked hearing that Rene enjoyed a bit of roughness because I’d been with a few girls who were into that and I’d learned how to deliver what they liked. In the process, I’d discovered that there’s a level of rough play that is actually fun. I wouldn’t have ventured into that territory myself, but by learning about it with girls who really liked it, I discovered that it’s just another way to play. I grew to enjoy it and when Rene brought it up, it suggested to me that she was uninhibited and fun, and I dig that.

It’s funny, even at the time, when Rene said that thing about a ‘real man’, it caught my ear. It’s just one of those things. I don’t like that women see men that way and quite frankly I didn’t know what the hell she expected of me as this mythical ‘real man’ figure. I’m just a guy. I can kill bugs, open tight jars, lift heavy things, use a drill, and all that shit but beyond that, I don’t know what the hell a ‘real man’ is supposed to be.

Am I just a piece of ass to you?

At some point in the frolicking, my attention was drawn to Rene’s derriere. Rene was blessed with not only boobs that can convince a wary man to dive across a room at them, but also a back end that would easily illicit the phrase ‘dat ass’ on loop if she were to find herself in the sort of territory where that’s common vernacular. Yes, Rene was a weapon of mass seduction and I was being demolished and loving every second of it.

I was midway through enjoying caressing this sculpture of femininity when I mentioned to Rene that I’d always thought she had a great ass. Rene’s eyes lit up when I told her that and she asked me when I noticed her. I told her she had my attention from the very first time I met her. I was flattering her but I wasn’t lying.

I had been attracted to Rene for a very long time and I was really stoked that we’d finally gotten past the bullshit of dancing around the topic and had finally admitted that we were attracted to each other. At least, I thought that was the end of the bullshit.

Out of nowhere, Rene starts crying again!

Between her tears I heard her say, “Am I just a piece of ass to you?”.

“What? Why would you ask me that?”, I replied.
“Tell me the truth. Am I just a piece of ass to you?”, Rene said again as she continued to cry.
“No. You’re not just a piece of ass to me. I don’t understand why you’d think that.”, I told her.
“Because you were saying such nice things about my body”, she replied as I tried to wipe away her tears.

I was so confused. Here I was after all this effort to not hook up with my boss’s daughter and she finally had me in bed with her after I’d made it clear (as far as I was concerned) that I was interested in her, and she’s crying about the fact that I find her physically attractive!

Up until this point I’d assumed that it was clear to Rene that I was interested in her. I thought our actions were speaking louder than words and that it was unnecessary for me to actually say that I was interested in her, but there I was again, with my boss’s daughter crying at me because she thought I wasn’t interested in her, and for bonus points, this time she’s almost completely naked in my bed.

I wasn’t really ready to tell her that I’d been interested in her for a long time. I wasn’t looking to let that cat out of the bag so early on. There were many reasons for that, one of them being common sense. Another major reason was that I felt like I’d be putting myself in a very vulnerable situation, and I don’t do vulnerable. I’ll explain why a bit later, but I had a decision to make. I could keep my feelings to myself and watch the girl I’d been interested in for a long time cry in my bed because she thought I was only interested in using her for sex, or I could own up to my feelings.

Vulnerability

One big thing I’d been forced to acknowledge about myself after breaking up with the girl I’d been with for 6 years was that I didn’t allow myself to genuinely feel emotions. That was a strategy I’d taken on in my youth as a way to help me make it through my… let’s go with unconventional… childhood. I essentially would just block any sort of emotion before it got in so it couldn’t do any damage to me, but after that break-up with my ex, I’d come to the conclusion that my efforts to block out all the bad stuff was also causing me to miss out on all the good stuff too.

I figured you can never be truly happy if you don’t allow yourself to feel things, and I’d been working on that since. It wasn’t easy for me. Honestly, it was scary as shit! But I’d decided that was what I had to do if I wanted to be happy, and that I had to do so when the opportunity arose.

To me, Rene crying because I hadn’t shown her any genuine emotion was a prime example of how badly I was hurting myself by not allowing myself to genuinely feel things. So right there in that moment, I decided I’d fight through all the parts of me that were telling me not to open up to her, and be honest with her.

I told Rene that I’d noticed her the first time I met her and that I’d felt like there was some major chemistry between us ever since. I told her that I’d always looked forward to getting a chance to spend time with her and that anytime there was a work function, I was always hoping she’d be there. I explained that I’d had a crush on her for a long time. That I thought we had some sort of cool connection that’s really rare for me to find.

Rene was gleaming. Shit, I reckon you could have lit a street with the amount of glow she was putting out. And I felt good about it too. I felt like I’d broken past my own bullshit and that, whatever happened, that was an enormous step in the right direction for me.

Next time

The story of that ridiculous night isn’t over yet. I’ll try and get through the rest of it in Origins #11.

Crazy bitch tip: Figure out what you really want instead of chasing things down and then throwing them away.

Origins #9

16 Feb

So, I’d just kissed my boss’s  daughter.

After a long, intense kiss we separated. Rene, who had only seconds before been kissing me back with some serious passion, stopped and said:

“Oh, it’s complicated. Oh my god, it’s so complicated. I’ll have to break it off with [some guy’s name].”
“What do you mean?”, I asked her.
“Who kissed who? Did you kiss me or did I kiss you?”, she asked, ignoring my question in the process.
“I kissed you”, I explained.

I don’t think I’d ever seen her smile quite so fully before as she did when I told her that. It was the same sort of smile you’d expect to see on someone who just won the lottery. Clearly Rene was happy that I’d kissed her. I was too because I thought we could finally cut all the bullshit.

“Oh my god. It’s so complicated.”, Rene said again.

I figured she was talking about the fact that I worked for her father. I was under no illusions as to how complicated it was. I’d had a lot to drink but I knew exactly what I was doing when I kissed her and I knew what I was risking. I avoid drama as best I can, but everyone once in a while, when I think it’s worth the stress, I dive in head first anyway.

I kissed Rene because I thought it was worth it. I felt a real chemistry with her and after all that build up, all the flirtation, and keeping my guard up for so long that she ended up literally crying in my lap because thinking I didn’t like her, I thought it was the right thing to do. Yeah, it was complicated because her father was the owner of the company I worked for and her sister managed my office, but Rene’s family all liked me knew me well enough by that point to know I’d treat her properly. Yeah, it was a risk, but I thought I’d been reasonably careful about the whole thing.

“It’s OK, Rene. It’s really nothing.”, I reassured her.

I remembered that my phone had been going off before we’d kissed. I checked it quickly to find a bunch of messages from Angelica asking if she should come around. For the briefest of moments I considered that threesome I’d been cheekily hinting at earlier at dinner, but common sense prevailed and I replied to Angelica telling her that Rene was in a bad way and I was taking care of her.

“It’s so complicated”, Rene repeated, putting her hands either side of her head.

You don’t have to sleep on the couch

“It’s cool, Rene. We’ve probably just had too much to drink. Let’s just chill out for the rest of the night and figure it all out tomorrow”.

I wasn’t exactly sure what she thought was so complicated, but kissing my boss’s daughter was more than enough drama for one night for me. I wanted to sleep on it and deal with it all in the morning when we were sober, so I explained to Rene that we should call it a night. I offered to pay for a cab but Rene pointed out that she’d have to come back the next day to pick up her car anyway, so it’d be easier for her if she stayed over. I told Rene she that was fine, that she could take my bed and I’d crash on the couch.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch”, she told me, to which I replied, “I reckon it’s for the best.”

I’d washed my bedclothes earlier that day, so Rene and I had to grab the bedclothes out of the drier and make the bed. She was practically giddy as we dressed the bed. I told her she’d be comfy in the bed and that I was going to take a shower before crashing on the couch. Rene suggested that we could share the bed and that it’d be fine. I reiterated that I didn’t think it was the best idea. Rene seemed to let it go and asked if she could borrow some clothes to sleep in. I grabbed up one of my favourite shirts and a pair of shorts for her, knowing they’d fit her about as well as a tent. Considering I’m 6’3″ and she’s about 5’6″, it was the best I could do.

I told her to get changed while I’m in the shower because I’d have to come back in to grab a few things before heading to the couch. Off I went to have a shower.

I really wasn’t expecting anything to happen that night. I figured the kiss was more than enough, especially considering how complicated Rene seemed to think it all was. Still,  you can be damned sure that I cleaned myself up as if I was getting ready for a date anyway. I double washed everything, especially my fun bits. My semi-intoxicated brain was coming up with all sorts of imaginary scenarios, such as Rene sneaking in and joining me in the shower, and yeah, I definitely liked the thought of something happening but I knew it was a bad idea. But just in case, I not only applied a bit of deodorant, I went the whole hog and applied my favourite aftershave too. Purely precautionary, of course.

I put on my and undies and pyjama pants (they’re not really pjs, just some comfy, loose fitting tracky dacks) and knocked on the door that joins the bathroom to my bedroom.

“Come in”, Rene said through the closed door.

Mere Male

Upon opening the door I was greeted with a sight I was definitely not expecting. There, on my bed, laid my boss’s daughter with a massive grin on her face. That massive grin might have had something to do with the fact that she’d chosen to go without the monstrously huge shorts I’d offered her and was instead in her underwear, and was currently pulling the shirt I’d provided her all the way up to her neck to ensure I got a full view of her ridiculously beautiful breasts. I want to make this clear, I’ve seen plenty of boobs in my time and I’m not easily wowed.

Rene’s were so astonishing that I blanked out for a second and came back too as I slid head first across my bed, face first into Rene’s stunning northern territory.

slide

I had a few twinges of “Hey! What are you doing???!!!! THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!!” firing off in my head, but that background noise was easily drowned out by the sounds of the horn section from the heavens. Honestly, I know I sound ridiculous but think about it from my perspective. I’d put in a lot of effort to make sure I wasn’t doing the wrong thing, I’d tried to do the right thing at every turn (for the most part) and here in front of me was a stunningly beautiful girl whom I’d had a crush on for quite a while beckoning me into bed with her. I’m a good guy but I can only resist sooooo much.

Don’t worry though, you’ll get to laugh at my foolishness as the story unfolds, you can be sure of that.

mistake

Heavy petting

Look, I’m not going to go into heaps of detail here. I’d prefer to leave it at the phrase ‘heavy petting’, but some of the details become relevant later on, so I’ll have to fill you in on them, but I’ll do that in the next installment of my ridiculous story.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t hook up with your father’s employee unless you’ve thought it through, and especially don’t do so when you’re already seeing someone else.

Snog, Marry, Avoid

1 Feb

Some women go overboard with their ‘style’. Snog, Marry, Avoid is an effort to resolve that.

Crazy bitch tip: When your own children are telling you you’re wearing a bit too much make up, you might want to listen to them.

Origins #8

1 Feb

We ditched the trolly out the front of my apartment building and laughed our way up the stairs to my shitty little apartment. Y’know, I’m a bit harsh on my place. It’s a very small two bedroom unit thing but it does sit above the others and has a nice enough view over the city of Perth.

Rene and I spilled in through the door, both reasonably drunk and a quite knackered from the walk. Pushing the shopping trolly laden with one boss’s daughter aboard for a few blocks had taken the wind out of my sails for the time being.

Shots fired!

And what’s the smartest thing for a guy to do once he’s got his somewhat drunk boss’s daughter in his apartment? Why, offer her a drink of course!

I assumed Rene would ask for a water or cool drink or something. “You should make me a cocktail!”, was her actual response. I don’t know where she thought I was hiding the cocktail bar. I just laughed and told her it’d have to be a cocktail shooter. Making mixed drinks is just one more thing I know bugger all about, but when I was 18 I did learn to layer drinks in a shot glass, so I got to work on that.

Shot cocktail collection: Red and Blue Tequila

Like this but wayyyyy less classy

Changing it up

The reason we were at my place, as far as I was concerned, was for me to get changed so we could head off to humiliate ourselves at the nearest karaoke bar. With that in mind I told Rene I’d go get changed out of my work uniform into something more appropriate for drunkenly screaming into a microphone in front of bewildered strangers. I changed into a half decent looking shirt and a pair of jeans and switched my sneakers for some shoes nice enough to get me past the ridiculous footwear expectations at the bars in Perth.

I was all prettied up and ready to go but Rene had other ideas.

“You haven’t showed me around your place yet”, she explained. So I gave her the grand tour or the loungeroom/kitchen, the balcony and the second bedroom, which had my weights bench set up in it. This caught Rene’s interest and she decided she wanted to have a crack at bench-pressing what I had on the bar. To my surprise, she actually managed to get the bar back up mostly on her own. She wanted to go for another but I warned her I was probably too drunk to spot her properly, and that we should quit that particular endeavor as winners.

Instead of leaving the room though, she hopped up on the weights bench and leaned up against the window looking out at the view. It struck me how that was the most ridiculous way you could go about seeing the view. I mean, you don’t need to be on your knees on a weights bench with your arse pushed back to get a look at the view. Yes, I did appreciate the view I was getting in that scenario, but I still wasn’t planning on any shenanigans of that nature.

Bullshit! You were after something!

Yep. I’d be lying to say I wasn’t hoping for something to happen that night. What I was hoping for was that Rene would cut the bullshit and let me know she was actually interested. I figured once we’d both admitted that we were into each other, we could figure out if it was worth doing anything about. I was hoping for words, rather than actions, because actions are what would get me in trouble. Words were risky but a lot safer.

I wasn’t so keen to admit I was into Rene. I don’t think I’d really even considered if I was into her or not. I had so much more contact with her sister Laura, and I’d caught myself becoming interested in her but I’d always shut it down because she had a boyfriend. With Rene, I had a crush going for her but I’d never thought about anything beyond that because she wasn’t around as much and because I didn’t really understand what she was after, and I thought she was out of my league anyway. I couldn’t tell what she was really after, and I wasn’t going to get carried away overthinking a bit of flirtation here and there.

There was also the issue that, if I was going to be stupid enough to have a go with either of the Everlong sisters, I would have to choose carefully because I was certain that trying with one meant blowing my chances with the other. I didn’t realistically think I had a chance with either of them, but y’know how it is… when you daydream about possibilities you still like to keep your options open.

But there I was with Rene in my place, both of us fairly drunk and she was throwing some seriously flirting my way.

Better call Laura

Whenever things seemed to be calming down for a second, Rene would demand we have another drink, so I kept making those goofy layered shots and we kept knocking them back. They were full of vodka and advocate and whatever else I could find. They weren’t tasty, but Rene was pretty keen to keep the alcohol flowing.

I was in two minds as to how to deal with the situation I was in. Heading out to the city meant taking my boss’s daughter out on the town when she was already acting a bit over the top, but staying at my place meant potentially doing something that might jeopardize my job. I thought it was a safer bet to head out for karaoke, so I suggested it. Rene told me she’d rather hang out at my place for a while, that maybe we’d go later but we should watch a movie or something in the meantime while she rested up from the walk to my place.

Rene and Laura were very tight-knit sisters, so Rene decided she’d better let her older sister know where she was. That seemed pretty reasonable to me at the time but I quickly realised that having the family who own and manage the company I work for talking about the fact that the youngest daughter was at my place, and sounding a bit drunk, might not be a greatest thing for me.

I’m not a wise man when I’ve been drinking, or ever really, so the best solution I could come up with was to find a humourous interruption to make it obvious that nothing dodgey was happening. A flicker of stupidity ran through my head and I grabbed my guitar, interrupting the phone call with a magnificent rendition of “Burn for you” by John Farnham.

I chose that particular song because it had come up in conversation with Laura earlier in the day, in the same conversation where we ended up talking about letting people know if you want kids or not.

John Farnham

John Farnham was a hugely popular singer in Australia. I bring him up because he happens to play a weirdly significant role in the overall story. If you want to learn more about him, check out his wikipedia page but suffice to say, he was massively popular in Australia, especially throughout the 80s and early 90s and the Everlong family and I, and pretty much everyone else, were all adoring fans of the guy. That fandom will come into things later on.

Anyway, in the conversation I’d had with Laura earlier in the day, I mentioned that I loved the song Burn For You and she told she thought it was Farnsy’s most boring song, so when I chose to interrupt Rene’s conversation with Laura by playing that specific song, I was being a cheeky bugger. I was playing a song I knew she found annoying and thought was a great way to imply that everyone at my place still had our clothes on and we were just having fun being silly.

The backfire

Rene finished up the call with her sister, put her phone away, and suddenly burst into tears. At the exact same time, I felt my phone vibrate like I’d just gotten about 10 text messages. I ignored the texts for the time being and squished up next to Rene to ask her what was going on. As it happens, the lyrical content of the song Burn For You is all about a guy who’s desperately in love with a woman, Rene had completely misinterpreted my choice to play that specific song to Laura at that point in time.

Through her tears Rene said, “You like Laura don’t you?”
“What to do you mean? What are you talking about?”, I said.
“You’re interested in her. You don’t like me, do you?”, she said.
“Where’s this coming from? She’s got a boyfriend!”, I asked her.
“Yeah she’s got a boyfriend and you still like her more. Why do you like her more than me? What does she have that I don’t have?”, Rene sobbed.

By this point I’d wrapped an arm around Rene in an effort to console her. My other hand was on her knee. She sat there on my couch with her knees up in front of her, her head down, tears rolling down her face. I’d done my best to ignore it but I did have a crush on her and had done for a long time. There I was trying to console this girl who I liked as she cried because she thought I wasn’t interested in her. This same girl had made it clear earlier that night that she wants people to treat her like a normal girl and forget that she’s my boss’s daughter. I was stuck with the choice of either telling her that I’d liked her for a long time, or leaving her to cry in front of me in my own place.

Rene stopped talking but continued to cry. I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed me back. It was one of the most intense kisses I’ve ever been a part of. I remember the slight taste of salt on her lips from the tears. I remember that the way she kissed me back reassured me that I hadn’t made the wrong choice.

 

Crazy bitch tip: If you spend all your time concealing your intentions, don’t expect people to trust you.

Charity

31 Aug

Being charitable is a good thing, no matter what form you choose for your charitable efforts to take. It is however also true that in some instances, the suggested method of charity might raise more than a few eyebrows.

Some people mistakenly think that their charitable efforts should somehow relate to their vocation. For example, a bricklayer might think that the best way to offer assistance would be the offer of laying bricks. That’s an example in which the vocation might be a worthwhile contribution to the cause at hand. Other vocations like ‘blogger’, ‘movie critic’ or ‘bikini waxer’ might not be so beneficial. Let’s face it, if you’ve just experienced a tornado, hurricane, a flood, or some other monumental tragedy, you’re probably not going to get a lot out of a free opinion on the documentary being made about said tragedy.

That’s why, the more typical approach to being charitable in these situations is to donate some money to a reputable charity who will be assisting in helping those affected by the unfortunate circumstances. Part of the rationale behind that is that money is much more universally useful. Another reason, is that some pretty crazy offers come through in the name of charity…

I’m sure that most people immediately assume that all female porn stars are crazy bitches but I’m not one of them. I don’t think you can generalise like that. I do, however, believe that suggesting that you might offer some benefit to a bereaved man who’s daughter has passed away by dressing up as a schoolgirl and offering him your body for his own amusement, does make it difficult to argue against you being a crazy bitch.

I also concede that offering your asshole as a storage space to people going through a tragedy and combining that sentiment with ‘bless you’ is unarguably straight out of crazy bitchdom.

Crazy bitch tip: When it comes to charity, generally it’s not a great idea to offer sexual acts.

 

Caitlin Stasey and Bindi Irwin

26 Jun Caitlin Stasey's boobies

As an Australian, I am bound by law to have a soft spot for every Aussie that makes their way onto the world stage. Fortunately, in the case of Bindi Irwin and Caitlin Stasey, I wouldn’t have been able to avoid having a fondness for them anyway.

See, don’t go telling anyone but I actually went through a phase when I would watched Neighbours semi-regularly. I guess it was on at a time that sort of synced in well with my life at that point. Y’know, get home from work, sit around for half an hour while trying to recover from the day and passively stare at the glowing box as it pumps out a story so generic that even my burned-out, overworked brain could keep up.

I don’t remember exactly when that was but I do remember Caitlin Stasey and I remember thinking that she’d be a truly beautiful woman in a few years. Well, time has passed and you’d be hard pressed to find many blokes who don’t think Caitlin Stasey is a good looking woman, I mean, seriously:

Come on, there's no denying Caitlin is easy on the eyes.

Come on, there’s no denying Caitlin is easy on the eyes.

So there’s Caitlin Stasey, an Aussie pushing her way up the ranks towards Hollywood stardom. Sure, I don’t really give two shits about the stars of Hollywood and all that celebrity bullshit but seeing an Aussie excel in her chosen field gives me a case of the old warm-fuzzies. Good for her, I say. Read ahead and I’m sure you’ll understand that she’s probably quite offended that the only thing I really know about her is that she’s beautiful but then again, the only reason I’ve heard of her is because she was on a TV show, and I’m sure a big part of the reason she was chosen to be on that show was for her looks, so I don’t really feel so bad about it.

Then we’ve got Bindi Irwin. If you don’t have some affection for Bindi Irwin, you might just be a stone. We all remember Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter. His unbridled enthusiasm and all-consuming love for animals was intoxicating and he was one of the few Aussie icons since Crocodile Dundee to remind the rest of the world that Australia is a pretty gnarly place. Here he is:

What a bloody legend! Bindi is his daughter and she’s grown up in the public eye and done a great job of picking up where Steve left off by continuing to spread the word about how important conservation of Australian wild-life and habitat is. Here’s a snippet of Bindi from a few years ago:

Cute as a button! It’s not like Bindi Irwin is really on my radar, she’s just one of those names that pops up occasionally and makes me think how awesome it is that she’s got some of her dad’s exuberance and is progressing the family message of conservation. How do you not admire that?

 Recent events – Caitlin

In recent days our beloved Caitlin has started making some waves by becoming very outspoken on Twitter. Here are few choice examples:

 

“OH MY GOD VAGINA MIGHT GOBBLE UP THE RAINFOREST IF MISUSED OR USED TOO OFTEN! THAS HOW PREMARITAL SEX KILLS, DAWGS” – Caitlin Stasey

“I appreciate your desire to take my sex agency from me AUSTRALIA but I’m too busy slinging dick, punching pussy and doin general housework” – Caitlin Stasey

“She came, she saw, she fucked, she owned it, she conquered” – Caitlin Stasey

“So eat a dick” – Caitlin Stasey

“Dear God, plz plz plz give me a retweet or a follow back. ARE YOU NOTICING ME?! I LOVED YOU IN THE BIBLE! cmon u’d be nothing without me!” – Caitlin Stasey

“Am reduced to a pervert almost permanently” – Caitlin Stasey

Be a living example of what you believe @freethenipple

Be a living example of what you believe @freethenipple

” – Caitlin Stasey

So… that raised a few eyebrows around the world. Media ogranisations started ramping up the story and turning it into articles like this: Former Neighbours star Caitlin Stasey made out to be a ‘bizarre, raving, sexual lunatic’. Caitlin appears to have been bothered by these stories. Check out the rest of her Twitter feed to see the various ways in which she’s chosen to address these things.

Recent events – Bindi

Bindi Irwin recently made a bit of news lately too. Here’s what she said brought about all the attention:

“I’m a big advocate for young girls dressing their age.

I mean, for me, I look around at a lot of young girls that are my age and they’re always trying to dress older. Whether it’s wearing revealing clothes or hardly wearing any clothes at all, I feel really bad for them.

It kind of has the opposite effect in some ways … it kind of does the opposite where it makes you look younger and like you’re trying too hard.

I almost wish I could tell young girls, ‘look, in 10 years when you look back at yourself, you’ll cringe honey, honestly’.

A lot of times I want to grab these girls and say ‘look … in 10 years you’ll regret this. Just dress like who you are. Don’t try so hard. A pair of jeans and a T-shirt is just as gorgeous and even makes you look classier’.

I look at adults and they say ‘when I was young I was wearing blue eye shadow’ and I’m cringing. So to be able to have that outlook on life is such a blessing and I’ve gotten that from my mum especially.

The way I choose to dress, I want to influence other people around me I suppose.” – Bindi Irwin

Bindi Irwin isn’t yet 16 years old but seems to have a lot of things figured out and has done so well ahead of the standard maturity curve. There’s a bit more detail on this in this article if you’re interested.

Recent events – Caitlin V Bindi

In case you didn’t pick up on it, Caitlin is pretty upset with, well… everything. The subject of the majority of her statements however, appear to be focused on pushing feminist ideals. And hey, I say more power to you, ladies. Caitlin’s been on about ‘free the nipple’, I couldn’t agree more! Get em out and enjoy yourselves. Caitlin’s really been going off and while I think she’s coming from a good place and has a lot of good points, they’re getting lost in all the raving and to be quite frank, she’s pretty misguided on some of the issues she’s blasting away about.

Nothing exemplifies this misguidedness better than her tweet at Bindi regarding Bindi’s comments about young women dressing their age:

“Open letter to Bindi, in ten years you’ll wish you stood beside your shared sex rather than be proud you belittled their choices & agency.” – Caitlin Stasey

After all the other ranting coming out of Caitlin’s feed, this really pissed a lot of people off. Of all the people to target, you’ve gotta admit that Bindi Irwin has gotta be about the worst option. Bindi is adorable and sweet and so endearingly genuine that anyone choosing to say anything negative towards her is bound to come across as the bad guy. Wait! Pardon me! I mean the bad person. I must try harder to get rid of my gender biased vitriol. Anyway, I’m saying it’s difficult to have your point received well when you’re attacking someone so lovely as Bindi.

Here are a few of the responses:

As you can see, Caitlin’s copped a bit of negativity in response. Here’s an article about the whole thing and about just how upset this has made people beyond the Twittersphere.

What I think about the whole thing

Firstly, I think it’s a big flair up about bugger all of substance but seeing as I’m talking about it, I reckon Bindi will bring more benefit to women in her lifetime than Caitlin is likely to. I’ve come to this conclusion because Bindi is already doing something of value, namely, contributing to the awareness of ecological issues around the world, and she’s been doing a bang-up job of representing Australia on the world stage while she’s been at it.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is out there trading on her looks and then going off about the fact that so much of the world is based around the value of female attractiveness. For the record, I think it’s bullshit too but if you’re going to use your looks to get ahead, it doesn’t put you in the best position to argue against the whole thing.

I think Bindi is 100% correct when she says that girls should dress their age. If you’ve ever seen a girl pulling the edges of her teeny tiny skirt down or her pulling up super low-cut top, you’ve seen a girl dressing outside of her comfort-zone and you can be pretty bloody sure she was doing that because she was either trying to fit in with fashion or to look older, neither of which is a good reason to making yourself uncomfortable.

Caitlin’s going off about how a woman’s body is hers to do with as she wants and she’s right too. The difference is Bindi is saying “have some self respect and don’t try to be something you’re not” and Caitlin is saying “girls should be able to do whatever the fuck they want, whenever and wherever they want”. One of those statements fits in with reality and helps encourage good decision making and the other is a pretty reckless thing to say to impressionable young women.

Crazy bitch time

Bindi and the term crazy bitch don’t belong in the same sentence. Bindi is a champ. Despite growing up in the limelight and all the garbage that comes with it, she’s got her head screwed on right and she’s on her way to big things.

Caitlin Stasey on the other hand… well, let me say that I actually don’t think she’s a crazy bitch. I reckon she’s very passionate about something that we should all be concerned about, and that’s ensuring that women, or more accurately, all people have an equal opportunity to succeed and enjoy the lifestyle they prefer. The problem is that Caitlin is choosing a bad way to promote her thoughts and opinions.

It’s a real shame, actually. All that twitter ranting and all the blaming and pointing fingers and accusing everyone of oppressing women and attempting to impose a patriarchal, conservatist agenda, it just comes across as crazy. It just makes Caitlin appear to be a bat-shit crazy feminazi and the few people who’s minds she wants to change about these topics don’t listen to bat-shit crazy feminazis.

If Caitlin can calm the fuck down and collect her thoughts into a well written book or a documentary series or something of value that actually expresses her opinions in a digestible manner, maybe she’ll contribute positively to her cause. In the mean time, she’s doing a damned good impersonation of a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip: “Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.” – from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

One more thing

This celebrity bullshit is killing me. I’ll be back to posting more of the silly little cartoons very soon.

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Don’t ruin good things

20 Jun

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