Tag Archives: boyfriend

A punch to the face is not a “love-tap”

3 Feb

First off, a punch to the face is not a love-tap. This girl is ridiculous and unbelievably irresponsible. I think she is just saying it for the attention it brings, and I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than her actually believing it.

Crazy bitch tip: If anyone hits you, they don’t know how to love you. Get the fuck away from them.

Pregnancies are non-transferable

3 Sep

So…

No condom

There’s a rule that guys are taught… “Don’t put your dick in crazy.” This is one of the prime examples of where that rule would come into play. See, this crazy bitch isn’t concerned with the guy’s STD status, or her own relationship status, or the potential pregnancy that could arise. Nope, she’s got it all planned out. Except that her plan is fucking crazy.

There’s just sooooooooo many things wrong with this scenario. I’ll try to outline just a few of the flaws.

  1. It’s not really a great choice to have unprotected sex with strangers
  2. It’s not really a great choice to have unprotected sex with strangers when you aren’t on birth control
  3. It’s pretty shitty to have sex with strangers when you have a boyfriend
  4. If you are going to knowingly risk getting pregnant from having unprotected sex with a stranger while cheating on your boyfriend, it’s a fucking terrible idea to plan to tell your boyfriend it’s his child.
  5. If you think any of this is alright, you’re going to have to accept that the rest of the world will think of you as a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip: If you want to fuck strangers and risk getting pregnant to them, break things off with your boyfriend first.

Tip for guys interacting with crazy bitches: Sex one time is not worth a lifetime of association with a horrible person.

If you’re not looking to hook up with people, don’t go on Tinder

5 Jun

Lindsay is on Tinder but has a boyfriend, so don't you even tryCrazy bitch tip: If you’re not looking to hook up, don’t go to places or websites or apps that are all about hooking up.

Calm is better

22 Apr

We all have the tendency towards getting emotional when things just refuse to go our way no matter how hard we try, and that’s ok. The problem is, the more emotional you become, the less likely you are to get what you wanted in the first place because it’s difficult to interact with highly emotional people. Basically, calm is better.

Here’s an example.

The lady just wanted the tv to work with the universal remote but that all gets lost in the screaming and instead of getting some help with the problem, she manages to make herself look like a crazy bitch. It’s just as likely that she’s had a terrible month of frustrations and annoyances and just couldn’t hold it in anymore. It doesn’t matter though because an outburst is an outburst and unfortunately for this lady, this one was caught on film.

I am impressed that she mentions taking the children to see a shiprwreck. That’s the sort of tangential arguments that come out when a person is not in control of their emotions, and as you can see it definitely did not help her achieve her initial goal of sorting out the remote.

Crazy bitch tip: emotions are natural and can be difficult to deal with, but letting them get the better of you tends not to help you get what you’re after.

A few pointers for the fellas: 10 ways to know your girlfriend is crazy

15 Apr

This one is very much tongue in cheek and aimed at the blokes.

Out of this list of 10, how many has your girlfriend got? I really hope she doesn’t have “cereal killer stare” or your corn flakes are in major trouble!

Crazy bitch tip: If this video reminds you of yourself, maybe back it off a little and please stop throwing those heavyweight punches.

Do not call your current boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

13 Apr A text sent from a crazy girlfriend to her boyfriend's ex girlfriend

You can know for sure that it’s a terrible idea when you’re planning to include information such as how much better your vagina is than her vagina, or how far his genitals are inside of your genitals. Generally speaking if the conversation will revolve around sex, or include the word ‘bitch’, it’s highly unlikely that it’s a good call to make, unless of course you want people to think of you as a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip: Nothing good can come of calling your current boyfriend’s ex girlfriend/s

10 Things you should not do at a bar

26 Mar

10 Things you shouldn’t do at a bar

Bars are fun. Drinking is fun. Meeting strangers can be awesome and dancing your butt off to your favourite tunes can be downright glorious. Remember however, bars are magnets for crazy bitches, and seeing that I’m trying to dissuade women away from being crazy bitches and/or being mistaken for crazy bitches, I thought these suggestions might come in handy.

These aren’t the only rules for not what to do at a bar, but they’re some of the more important ones.

10. Don’t get shitfaced

Sure, you’re there to have a few drinks, but you don’t need to empty every bottle in the bar. Try to keep in mind that the point of being at a bar is to socialise, and it’s difficult to socialise when you can’t even talk. Also, the more you drink, the worse you’ll look in photos.

too drunkWhy not?

Looking bad in photos isn’t the worst of it.

Massive hangovers suck really bad. So does waking up with someone you would very much prefer to have never touched. Waking up in a jail cell is pretty shitty and I reckon waking up in the hospital is even worse. You can usually avoid all of these things by keeping yourself from achieving shitfaced status.

Think about it for a second… they call it shitfaced… it’s not exactly a positive description, is it?

9. Don’t get into fights

This one applies to inside and outside the bar. If the point of going to a bar is to socialise, rolling around on the ground trying desperately to cause another person to bleed seems to go against that objective.

You’re not going to get along with everyone in a bar. That’s ok. That’s part of life, and that’s why you can choose to talk to someone else, or go to a different bar or, y’know, any other civilised way of not ending up rolling around on the ground trying to rip out someone else’s hair.

Why not?

Even if you really hate someone there, before you engage in fisticuffs with them, consider how much time you’ll waste in dealing with the bar staff, the police, and potentially at the hospital. It’s not fun dealing with people in uniforms when you’re just trying to have a fun night out with your friends. It’s not fun for your friends to wonder if you’re ok. Having a record for assault is never going to improve your life.

If you can’t think clearly enough to avoid getting into fights, look back at point #10.

8. Don’t be shitty to your boyfriend

A bar is not the place to test how much your boyfriend is into you, or to see how willing he is to stand up for you.

Don’t go around flirting with guys in front of your boyfriend, that shit’s not cool. If you’re not sure how much he likes you, there are better ways to figure it out than trying to enrage him by being massively disrespectful to him in public.

Similarly, don’t go around expecting everyone else in the bar to put up with you doing whatever the fuck you want, and then get all surprised when they point out that you’re behaviour is making their night worse.

Why not?

What almost always happens in these scenarios is that your boyfriend is going to have to stand up for you, and when you tell the random, massive dude who’s beer you just spilled all over the place that “My boyfriend will kick your ass!”, you’re either going to cause your boyfriend to take punches to the face for you, or get into a big argument with you about why he sided with those complete strangers over his girlfriend.

And if you’re flirting with other guys in front of your boyfriend, he’s going to get pissed off at you or at the guys. Either way, you’re pissing your boyfriend off.

That’s ultra shitty. There’s no good way out for your boyfriend and that’s just a straight up shitty way to treat someone you claim to care about.7. Don’t take your clothes off

This isn’t one of those hard and fast rules, I’m just saying, at least think to yourself “Would I be doing this if I was sober?”

For example, if you’re wearing a coat and it’s really warm in the bar, take off the coat. You’d do that if you were sober, so it’s a reasonable decision. If removing the article of clothing would cause the police stop you in the street, were they to see you, you can generally assume that’s not something you’d usually do when you’re sober, and thus is not the right way to go.

The woman in this video clearly didn’t follow the simple “Would I take this off if I were sober” decision assessment.Why not?

Well… there are several reasons. If you can’t answer them for yourself when you’re sober, I don’t think there’s anything I can say that’s going to help, except that maybe you should consider a career in exotic dancing.

6. Don’t go overboard with public displays of affection

Just like the previous rule about taking your clothes off, the PDA rule requires a bit of self evaluation.

The whole point of going to a bar is to socialise, so it’s bound to lead to showing some affection sometimes. Note that word some. Kissing your boyfriend or your girlfriend, if that’s your thing, is totally cool. Depending on the place, some sneaky groping might not cause too much hub-bub.

There are a couple of clues that it’s going too far which are hard to miss. One of them is that you realise that you’re kissing someone more for the benefit of everyone else, rather than for you and the person you’re kissing. A really easy way to figure that out is when the bar erupts into applause.

Another way to evaluate if your PDA is going too far is to consider if it would make a good viral video.

Even when the irony of the situation demands it, it’s still not a good idea.

Why not?

Because if you’re really into it, you can find somewhere private. Also, not everyone is actually into seeing you do that shit, and the people who are don’t give a shit about you, they’re just in it for the show. Think about it this way, do you really want to be one of the “skanks” those people will be laughing about later in the night? and probably jerking off to later that night? Do you want to be the star of a viral video about having sex in public? See, that’s the sort of shit that make’s it tough to get a job.

If your answer to those questions is “No”, what else is there to say?

5. Don’t cry at or around the bar

Hey, look, emotions happen. That’s just a part of drinking and socialising. Getting some sort of emotional response is kind of the point of going in the first place, but those negative emotions… the ones that lead to crying, they’re just not good for a bar situation.

Why not?

Crying is an obvious sign of a person in a vulnerable state. Predators seek out people in vulnerable states.

I don’t know about you, but that video skeeves me the fuck out.

The other major reason to keep your negative emotions in check at the bar is everyone is trying to have a good time and it’s way harder to enjoy your night with people crying around you. If you keep it up too long, you’re going to piss people off, like the girl in this video, who was crying at the bar staff that she needed a charger for her phone.

You want another reason? I feel for the girl in this video because she seems really nice, but it is a great reminder that crying isn’t very flattering.

4. Keep the dancing to the dance floor

I know how it goes. You’ve done some pole dancing lessons and you’re feeling really good and you know for damned sure you’re looking good. Those tequila shots are kicking in and then you see it… a pole. It’s just there waiting for you to dance on it and show everyone in the vicinity just how well you can ride it.

Unfortunately, the people who put that pole there probably weren’t expecting it to be used in an ad hoc amateur pole dancing session.

Maybe it’s not the random pole, maybe it’s the table.

Maybe it’s barely even the table at fault

Why not?

Did you not watch the videos?

3. Don’t pee anywhere except in the ladies toilets

Yeah, the lines are long and the wait is horrendous. Maybe if women didn’t turn using the toilet into a social affair things would move a long quicker and you wouldn’t have to do the gotta pee dance half the night. Doesn’t really matter though, because the only place you’re allowed to pee when you go to the bar, is in the ladies toilets at that bar, or at your place when you get home.

You don’t get to use the gent’s room. They already make us piss into a trough like livestock. We shouldn’t also have to deal with the confusion of seeing a woman in there! The point in the night when you start to think using the men’s room is a good idea is the point in the night at which you need to focus on rule #10 again.

And that doesn’t mean

2. Don’t lick any buttholes

At no point in your time at the bar, should your tongue make contact with a butthole of any sort.

No.

Some of these rules have grey areas. This one does not.

If your tongue somehow does make its way into the general locale of a butthole, just call it a fucking night and go home because something either went really, really wrong, or you’re into that sort of thing, in which case something went really, really, right. For good or bad, it’s time to leave the bar.

Why not?

Most people go to bars to get away from the assholes they have to suck up to during the day and they don’t want to be reminded of that bullshit.

1. Don’t suck 24 dicks at one bar

Alright, listen up. No matter how awesomely and magically it is explained to you, there is never, under any circumstances, a good reason to suck 24 different dicks at a bar.

Usually I prefer to leave room for a potentially plausible cause for outright ridiculous behaviour, but when it comes to putting the cocks of 24 different guys in your mouth in one night at a bar, I just can’t come up with an even remotely acceptable explanation.

Apparently the girl in the video thought she was going to get a holiday. She didn’t get a holiday. A Holiday is the name of a drink they serve at the bar. If my understanding is correct on this one, this young woman put the various dangly and/or firmish man bits of 24 guys in her mouth in hopes of earning a vacation while she was already on a vacation, and instead earned herself a drink.

Jesus H Christ! Most blokes will buy a girl a drink if she bloody well smiles at him! Maybe try that first!

And as for this supposed trip, what fucking holiday could possibly be worth sucking off 24 strangers?!?! Unless you were promised a first class guided tour of every country on this ridiculous planet, and the moon, and every planet in our solar system, and maybe backwards and forwards in time, then maaaaaybe it’d be worth it. Otherwise, what in the fuck could possibly convince you that you need to put 24 individual sweaty, gross, hairy, unprotected cocks into your mouth?

If you really want to play the old trading sexual favours to gain wealth and a luxurious life style card, you’d be far better off heading over to the casinos in Monaco to find yourself a billionaire rather than a shitty dive bar in spain where the clientele are totally cool with watching drunken teenage girls get convinced to suck 2 dozen wangs for the promise of a motherfucking holiday!

Even a porn star would rate sucking 24 dicks in a single night as a pretty big deal. So maybe that’s one way to avoid doing something like this. Ask yourself, “would a porn star be remotely uncomfortable with this?” If the answer is yes, and you’re not a porn star, maybe you should nope the fuck outta there right away!

nooooo

Crazy bitch tip: Rules 10 through 3 are pretty important and you should definitely stick to them, but everyone slips up from time to time, just make sure as hell you never break rules #1 and #2.

From whence he came

19 Mar

From whence he cameIn case the image is difficult to read, it says:

“He may have came out of your vagina woman but now he cums in mine. I call the shots now, not you”
– some chick on twitter

How about nobody calls the shots? There’s no reason for anyone to call the shots for someone else. If your boyfriend’s mother and you disagree on what’s best, who gives a shit? You should be more interested in what he wants than getting your way. He’s not a piece of property.

If you think this way about your boyfriend, or about your son, there’s something very wrong. If you care about someone, your primary focus should be on their happiness, not on how you can make sure nobody else loves them or has influence over them. That’s fucking weird, ok?

Crazy bitch tip: It’s rarely a good choice to tweet about your boyfriend’s mother’s vagina, or the semen your boyfriend deposits in your vagina. It’s definitely a bad idea to do both at the same time.

Take a breath

10 Oct

I was told a story the other day about a young woman who was dumped (very nicely) by her boyfriend, who is by all accounts, a fine young man who treated her well. The young woman in question pretended to take the break-up well but secretly began playing mind games with her now ex-boyfriend.

This young woman decided to make her ex, who was nice enough to still care about her, think that she had gone missing, and imply that she might have harmed herself, maybe even committed suicide. She even teamed up with her friends, convincing them to tell her ex they hadn’t seen or heard from her in days.

However you look at it, that’s just a shitty thing to do. What really makes it detestable to me is that this young woman and her friends were laughing about how concerned the ex-boyfriend was. They got together and mocked his genuine concern for the welfare of someone he clearly cares about.

See, what’s happened here is that the young woman’s feelings were hurt in the break-up and in the process, she began to blame her ex-boyfriend. She took the experience of being rejected and turned it into a personal attack, which she decided she must retaliate against.

There’s a huge flaw in her reasoning. This guy’s not a bad guy, he’s just accepted that the two of them don’t work as a couple, so he broke things off. That’s the right thing to do in that situation. It’s the only thing you can do if you want to be a decent person.

The young woman from this story has reportedly been lovely her whole life up until this point, so she’s probably not a crazy bitch. It’s a damned shame she’s chosen to act like one.

Hurt feelings are dangerous. Good people get twisted by hurt feelings and do awful things that they end up regretting later on. I’ve done it myself, and I very much regret it all in hindsight.

The point is, hurt feelings are an inevitable part of life and you can choose how to deal with them. You can accept that someone has broken up with you and move on, or you can try to make them think you’re trying to kill yourself. That last option, and anything like it, is going to convince people that you’re a crazy bitch, even if you’re not, so maybe go with the ‘move on’ approach when you can.

Crazy bitch tip: don’t blame others for your feelings being hurt.

Never hit a man

2 Aug

Alrighty, listen up, ladies. The unwritten law of society that a man should never hit a woman doesn’t somehow imply that it’s OK for you women to go around hitting men.

Hahaha. Oh wait a minute, that could actually kill him.

Hahaha. Oh wait a minute, that could actually kill him.

It’s not OK. As a matter of fact, it’s a really, really, reallllllllllllllllllllllllly bad idea. It’s an unbelievably stupid thing to do and if you choose the wrong target, it might be the last really stupid thing you ever do.

Check out this display of charm and understanding…

A group of women ganging up like that on a man is no less shitty than seeing a group of men ganging up on someone. Maybe I’m old fashioned but for ladies to be throwing punches and yelling “what!” over and over again while they harass a guy just doesn’t seem like a classy way to get through the day to me. I mean sure, if you’re a female pugilist who also suffers from a hearing disability, I’d have to eat my words there but in any other situation you might as well be screaming “I’m a crazy bitch.” because that’s what you’re really telling the world.

It’s a numbers game

In the video above, there’s one guy and about four women. That’s not cool. Here’s a secret a lot of women don’t seem to have learned: While men are typically stronger than women, an individual man is not capable of fighting all the women in the world at the same time. Let’s say that on average, a guy is twice as strong as a woman, that means a man can potentially fight off two women at one time, maybe three, maybe even four but there’s a point at which a number of women can overpower a man. That means that it is possible for women to bully and abuse men. And it does happen.

Look at him, throwing his jaw at her fist like that. He should go to jail!

Look at him, throwing his jaw at her fist like that.

But when I mention numbers like those, I’m purely talking about situations where the man would actually be fighting back. Most men don’t. Most men know not to hit a woman. Most men will do anything they can to avoid hitting a woman. These men can be susceptible to bullying from women.

He's a monster.

He’s a monster.

A light beating

A medium beating.

A heavy beating

Seeking help

That shit’s crazy

When a woman hits a man a lot of things run through his head. Typically, the first thing is fear, the second thing is rage and the third is hopefully suppression of that rage based on remembering “I’m not allowed to hit her back”.

This is a totally acceptable situation that I'm not allowed to react to.

This is a totally acceptable situation that I’m not allowed to react to.

 

If you’re a woman who has hit a man and you’re lucky enough to make it to that point without retaliation, you’ll be looking at a man who is feeling emasculated. As a guy, let me promise you that a man who is experiencing the feelings associated with emasculation is an extraordinarily dangerous version of that same man. Even if he’s a very gentle guy by nature, or he’s not especially strong, emasculating a man can bring out the furious caveman monster that lurks beneath the surface of  every last male of the human species.

It is incredibly dangerous to put a male into that situation. DO NOT DO THAT. As I mentioned earlier, most men will do their level best not to hit a woman and in the videos above, you’ve seen men showing impressive patience while under attack. You might not be so lucky. You might choose the wrong guy at the wrong time, and if you do, you’re going to be in extreme danger.

ngr

It’s not funny. It’s downright terrifying what a person can do when they snap into a rage. When that person is a man, and you’ve just landed a blow that not only hurt him physically, but attacked his masculinity at the same time, the outcome can be deadly. A man should never hit a woman but that doesn’t mean he won’t and the more often you hit a man, the more likely you are to break that boundary.

 

Of all people, Whoopi Goldberg?

An American football player named Ray Rice recently knocked his wife out and had to drag her out of an elevator. Yep, he’s a real piece of shit. It turns out though, that his wife had been hitting him first. The women on The View were talking about this incident. I never thought I’d utter this sentence but Whoopi Goldberg made a very good point about it.

Whoopi Goldberg. A reliable source of wisdom.

Whoopi Goldberg. A reliable source of wisdom.

Whoopi practically had to yell to get out her point that you shouldn’t hit someone and expect them to not hit you back.

In the video, you see the other ladies on The View shaking their heads in disapproval as they try to out-volume Whoopi as she expresses her thoughts. What Whoopi is saying is “Don’t hit anyone” but the other women seem to think they have every right to hit a man right up until he thinks his life is in danger, and that they should get away with that without so much as a single counter strike. THAT IS INSANITY. You don’t get to hit anyone! The rule is “Don’t punch people”. Stick to that rule.

Violence begets violence

Here’s an example that became world famous.

I don’t think anyone is exactly happy to see that scrawny little boy bully collide with the concrete in such a sickening way but most people can appreciate that he wouldn’t have ended up being smashed face first into the ground if he hadn’t been hitting the other boy. Most people supported Casey (the bigger of the two kids) for being so patient and don’t begrudge him for reacting when he was pushed beyond his threshold.

But how do people react when it’s not a smaller guy doing the bullying but a woman instead?

Was he wrong to hit her? Absolutely! Did it happen anyway? Yes it did, and it would not have happened if she hadn’t hit him first but when they interviewed her, she still doesn’t appear to understand that.

A personal story

I have a sister who is seven years older than me. When I was little, she used to beat the everliving shit out of me. When you’re a 6 year old boy you’re no match for a 13 year old girl, hell you’re no match for seasaw. I hated it. She beat me up just because she could, because I wasn’t as strong as her. I’d tell my Mum but she assumed because I was a boy I should be able to stand up for myself. Later on, my sister would end up in a brawl with some police officers. It took 6 of them to restrain her. Apparently those police officers weren’t able to stand up for themselves against my sister either.

This same sister of mine ended up getting involved with a man who was an excellent boxer and eventually, I would find out that he had hit her. Being her brother, I felt it was my responsibility to do something about it and I went to their place to take care of it. Keep in mind, I’m no boxer. I’m 6’3 but that won’t help much against a state champ. Luckily, when I got there my sister and her boyfriend were out. Their son was home though, and he told me the story of what happened.

My sister had been drunk and gotten herself furious about something (as she was prone to do). In this state she had screamed at, and punched at her boyfriend for about an hour. He had tried to get away from her all over the house, eventually hiding in the toilet and locking the door. My sister wasn’t done screaming at him and punching at him though, so after trying to kick the toilet door down, she grabbed a screwdriver and undid the hinges on the door. She then proceed to climb on her boyfriend, continuing her previous onslaught of punching.

He pushed her off and tried to get out of the house but my sister blocked the doorway and continued punching him. That’s when he hit her. When she fell down, he ran out the door and down the street to get away from her.

My sister and her boyfriend came home not long after my nephew had finished telling me the story. I saw the innumerable cuts, scratches, scrapes and bruises on her boyfriend’s face, neck, shoulders and arms. I saw a small cut on my sister’s right cheek.

I love my sister and I don’t want anyone hitting her but I can’t blame her boyfriend for hitting her in those circumstances. I’m not condoning it in any way but I don’t know what the hell else he could have done. If it took six police to restrain her, what was one guy supposed to do?

I’m not saying I’m ok with the fact that my sister’s boyfriend hit her but I sure as hell think if she hadn’t been punching her boyfriend for over an hour that she wouldn’t have taken that one and only punch.

For the record

I’ve never hit a woman.

There was a time my sister completely lost the plot and was at my mother’s house trying to attack my Mum. My younger brother called me for help and I belted around there but by the time I arrived, my sister was gone. I have no doubt however, If I had needed to, I would have punched my sister to protect my mother.

There was an instance in which a girl I had seen only a few times had a complete mental break and accused me of colluding with her ex-boyfriend to videotape us having sex, so I could share it on the web in order to ruin her career. She ignored my efforts to point out that the lights had been out while we had sex and that my phone had been in my pants on the floor and couldn’t possibly have filmed anything. I tried to show her my phone and prove that there were no videos like that on there but she told me I had just deleted them. Then she started coming at me with a bottle in her hand. I got out of there without having to protect myself but if she had actually tried to hit me with that bottle, I would have punched her to protect myself.

I’ve never hit a woman but then again, I’ve never been in a situation where I felt I had no other option. I hope I never am. I don’t want to ever be a guy that hit a woman and I genuinely believe that most guys in the western world feel the same way.

Brass tacks

It’s really hard not to react when someone punches you. It’s made even more difficult when you’re male and you have testosterone coursing through your body urging you to either fuck or kill everything in sight. So while most guys might react to a punch like this…

tumblr_mi3tdjJjY91s1imglo1_250

You have to accept that you’re putting yourself at risk of dealing with something more like this…

hulksmashSo just don’t do it.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t expect anyone else to adhere to a rule you don’t follow yourself.

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