Tag Archives: bus

Public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation

31 Dec

Alrighty. I would have thought it would be obvious that public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation, but every once in a while I’ll stumble onto a picture like this one on Reddit:

hands-off

and these sorts of images remind me of two things.

  1. Some people either don’t realise they should not masturbate on public transport, or they literally can’t help themselves from doing so.
  2. Some people aren’t aware that they don’t have to sit quietly beside someone as they furiously masturbate in public and ignore it like nothing’s happening.

So, for those of you who didn’t yet know this… you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! Now, onto those of you who know you’re not supposed to masturbate on public transport but you do it anyway, go see a doctor and tell them that. They will be able to lead you towards either a psychologist or a psychiatrist who will attempt to treat you for that, because seriously, you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! even if you really, really want to.

As for point 2, I would to make this very clear to everyone here and now… you do not have to politely ignore that someone is jerkin their gherkin beside you!! You can get up and walk away, or politely ask them to stop, or contact the driver/conductor etc, or call the police, or security or whoever, but you don’t have to just put up with it!!

To me, putting up with someone giving themselves a pants party in the seat beside you is only slightly less crazy than actually being the person who’s decided the 7:30 train home should take a detour through pleasure town. There are times when you’re completely within your rights to yell at a stranger and I’d rate having my seat-mate start spanking their monkey is definitely on the list. I mean, you can start with a polite clearing of the throat first and progressively work your way up to a full fledged scream if you don’t want to run the risk of accidentally verbally abusing someone who has had an unexpected attack of ants biting their genitalia, but I’d suspect those false alarms are the exception rather than the rule.

Crazy bitch tip: If you or someone else is crazy enough to start masturbating on public transport, please take plenty of photos so the police have a lot of evidence to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Additional information

Incidentally, this is far from the first post on How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch about how to act on public transport. In previous posts, we have outlined some basic rules of public transport, and attempted to articulate why behaviours such as screaming at people, swearing at and/or attacking other passengers, or wearing a mermaid gimp-suit is considered poor form while traveling in a shared environment with strangers.

Here are some examples from those other posts.

IMG_4914-1

A woman dressed head to toe in latex with flippers for feat and no eye or mouth holes.

Public transport strikes again

16 Apr crazy bitch on a bus

I’ve mentioned before that public transport is not the place for arguments and tantrums. It appears, however, that the star of this next video has not been reading How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch.

Things don’t start out well, and then they get worse, and worse. I think the highlight of the lowlights is when she tells another woman on the bus that blonde hair and blue eyes trumps brown hair and brown eyes, then lifts her shirt to reveal her jiggly belly with pride, then she spits on a stranger.

That’s not appropriate behaviour on public transport, or anywhere for that matter.

Crazy bitch tip: I feel like I’ve said this before, but spitting at people never improves a situation.

Screaming ruins public transport

26 Mar

Dear crazy bitches

Dear crazy bitches,

We all understand that relationships are difficult and that sometimes this will trigger emotional responses that don’t represent you at your best.

All the rest of society is asking is that you hold that side back until you’re at home, or at least until you get off the bus.

Here’s a video example of how screaming in public can your fellow members of society quite uncomfortable:

Signed,

The rest of us.

Dear suicidal podgy white boys

Dear little white boys,

When confined in a small area and confronted with a woman who is ranting and acting like a psycho, please don’t say anything to make the situation worse. We ask that you be especially careful in this regard while using public transport, because if said woman is a crazy bitch, she might just climb on you and beat you to a pulp.

Watching a man be beaten to a pulp is never good and nobody likes having to wait for your ambulance to arrive, or spend time filling out witness statements instead of getting home at the end of the day.

So, please consider your fellow passengers and don’t make a bad situation worse.

Signed,

Your fellow passengers.

Tip of the day: If you absolutely have to scream at your significant other, please at least wait until you’re off any form of public transport. Your shit doesn’t need to be everyone else’s shit.

Video

Do not drive on the footpath

7 Jan

The fact that the road you want to drive on is busy does not mean you’re allowed to start driving on the sidewalk.

I kinda like the fact that the judge made her wear a sign indicating that she’s an idiot.

Crazy bitch tip: The rules apply to you, too.

 

Origins #3

3 Dec

So, to continue on from origins #2… after all that stress I was really looking forward to Europe.

If you’ve never been to Europe and the opportunity comes up, go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

An international escape

I’d always dreamed of seeing Italy and France and Germany and all the other amazingly beautiful locations in Europe. The reason I decided on Europe specifically was that I’d already been to America in 2006, to Britain in 2008 (with a brief taste of Paris) and had realised that I didn’t want to die without seeing Venice, so I decided I’d better go there next.

It's difficult to be stressed out in Venice

It’s difficult to be stressed out in Venice.

I wanted to get the best bang for my buck that I could, so I’d jumped onto a Contiki tour. A Contiki tours is basically a big party that happens to take place on a bus as it travels through some of the most beautiful destinations on Planet Earth. Contiki’s are a right of passage for Australians. If I remember correctly, well over half of the tour group were Aussies and everyone was ready to go off like a frog in a sock.

What the hell does any of this have to do with the boss’s daughter?

Absolutely nothing. That’s sort of the point. I didn’t think about either of my boss’s daughters the entire time I was away. I barely thought about work at all, and when I did it, it was not in a good way. After the first week, work, and everything else to do with ‘home’ was a long forgotten past that was completely drowned out by the fun I was having every day.

Misadventures in alcohol

I had a lot of fun with a lot of cool people in a lot of beautiful places, but I drank too much on my Contiki tour. I wasn’t alone. One guy drank so much beer he get a yeast infection in his armpits from literally sweating beer all day everyday. There were many mornings where the whole bus was echoing the words “I’m never drinking again” but by lunchtime we were all looking for pubs.

I was on that tour for 28 days and I reckon I was completely sober for maybe 4 of them. I lose my inhibitions when I drink, and that can be an issue. Sometimes I forget what happened when I was drinking, and wake up certain I’ve offended everyone and that I’m the worst human to have ever lived. This tends to take the fun out of waking up with a beautiful woman.

I tend to have no problem making friends in tightly packed social environments like a tour bus, and it’s not like I was a pariah on this Contiki, but I was struggling more than usual. I wasn’t connecting with people as much and I didn’t realise it at the time but I was just too stressed out to be my normal social self, and all that alcohol was only making matters worse. Even though I wasn’t thinking about work, all the stress related to it had burrowed into me so deeply that I was still physically stressed even when I wasn’t thinking about it, but I had no idea that’s what was going on.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I honestly had the trip of a lifetime and made some really good friends, but I drank way too much and acted like a goose sometimes. Turns out I drank so much that when I came back, I started getting withdrawals. So… alcoholism is a thing and apparently can hit you within just 6 weeks of heavy drinking. I don’t recommend it.

You can’t go home again

You can’t just spend 6 summery weeks with awesome people, doing whatever the hell you want as you drunkenly wander through Europe’s most beautiful cities, and then slot back into a never-ending winter while working in a dreary little office for an angry little troll. It just doesn’t work!

All that living reminds you that there’s a whole fucking world out there to enjoy. And all that socialising reminds you that there are actually people in the world who know how to have fun! Do you remember what it’s like to have fun!

These are dangerous things to be reminded of when you’re having a tough time at work. These thoughts were in direct contrast with the project manager who wanted me to be his obedient little slave. I had pretty much forgotten about stress by the time I’d returned, and then this little tick was trying to suck all the life back out of me again. There are some people who just shouldn’t exist, and to my mind, Gus the project manager is one of them.

More to come

Obviously I didn’t tell you all that for no reason. It will become more apparent as we go on, I promise. The most important parts are that I didn’t think about Rene Everlong at all while I was away and that the stress from my job had gotten so bad that it was still impacting me even when I was running amok through Europe, even though I hadn’t realised that at the time.

Catch ya next time in Origins #4

Crazy bitch tip: If you want to get all your craziness and bitchiness out in a non-stop party, a Contiki is great way to go about it because everyone is so blotto they’ll barely even notice.

 

 

Manners/How Not To Be A Crazy, Racist Bitch – Part 2

9 Jul

It’s not so difficult to adhere to what our society considers having manners. You say please and thank you when you interact with people, you show consideration to those within the community who are frail or carrying a burden and you show respect and courtesy to all people at all times. That’s it. Not exactly complex. Hardly a huge ask.

From time to time you’ll run into people who you believe to be failing in their duty to treat the rest of us with the manners we expect. In this scenario, I believe it’s important to inform the person that they’re doing the wrong thing, so they’re at least aware of it in the future. There’s one vital rule you must follow if you do choose to inform someone that they’re being impolite, however and that is that you have to be polite in the way you do so.

This lady fails miserably in this regard.

know what I mean?

y’know what I mean?

Aside from the revolting racism going on here, which I suspect everyone can immediately identify as wrong, this woman appears to have no clue that she is actually being way more impolite to her bus riding companions than the school kid she’s accusing of poor manners. Sure, the kid standing in the aisle will likely slightly annoy anyone who has to work their way around him but the loud and aggressively racist tirade she spits and snarls at the kid affected everyone on the bus, so much so that someone felt the urge to break out their phone and film it.

hypgauge2

Swearing at people won’t encourage people to do what you want them to do, neither will throwing racist insults. The only thing that sort of thing is going to do is create a major confrontation.

Here’s another cautionary example of a woman reacting in the wrong manner in response to her belief that people weren’t being courteous enough to her.

Let’s not beat around the bush here, the lady in this video is ticking all the boxes on the Crazy Bitch checklist and she’s done an amazing job of not only offending an entire train carriage full of people, because this was captured on video on has become a viral story, she’s also reinforced an existing stereotype of Australian people being racists. She’s made a fool of herself and embarrassed an entire country with her actions.

I’ve seen a few follow-ups with the woman where she explains that she’d been having a rough time, had been unemployed for over a year and had been having an extremely tough day and that when nobody would move to give her a seat, she just lost the plot. I’ve actually seen this happen to people and seen how they snap into “I’ll say the meanest thing I can think of about anyone in the vicinity” mode. It’s like the reaction of a cornered animal. That doesn’t really matter though, does it? It doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t help fix anything and it certainly doesn’t excuse the behaviour.

The point here is that, no matter what else is going on in your life, control yourself! If you think someone’s being rude, it’s OK to point that out but you better check that you’re not being 100 times more rude than they are in the process. Spraying racial slurs and swearing your head off at people is never going to improve a situation and it’s never going to help anyone learn anything else but the fact that they’ve had a run-in with a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip: Mind your own manners, especially when pointing out rudeness in others.

Crazy bitch bonus tip: If you’re plagued with racist thoughts, at least keep that bullshit to yourself.

Choose your battles

19 Apr

Unrestrained aggression is unpleasant and unattractive. Poor decision making skills and limited self awareness are sign-posts of a clear lack of connection with reality. Combine these traits and you’re on the quick path to CB territory. Combine these traits with getting your arse handed to you by someone smaller than you and you’re on the wrong side of a humiliating and physically painful experience that could have been easily avoided.

Example #1

Here we see a loud-mouth, belligerent, comparatively larger girl attempting to intimidate a smaller, much calmer seeming fellow human being. This is a bad situation from the get go for the “blonde” girl. For starters, she’s much bigger than the girl she’s yelling at. Secondly, she’s being overtly aggressive instead of talking sensibly with the person she has an issue with. Thirdly, she starts a fight with someone who is clearly capable of kicking her arse into internet infamy. The “blonde” girl has clearly chosen the wrong battle to fight and suffered immeasurably as a result.

Example #2

In this example we see a fictional sample of a poor choice to escalate a disagreement beyond its real-world value.

Fictional or not, whoever wrote it has clearly had similar experiences. I know I have. Elaine refers to her love interest here as perfect. It’s very clear that she’s happy with who he is and what she knows about him and yet she finds a way to create an argument out of something as miniscule as the use of an exclamation mark. If Elaine’s objective is to enjoy being with this perfect man, it would seem that creating a massive, relationship ending argument over his choice to use, or not use, an exclamation mark in a quick note is somewhat counter-productive. From the outside looking in, Elaine appears to have to fought the wrong battle. Again, this is a fictitious situation but I’ve been involved in arguments like this and I was often left wondering what the intended outcome is. What is there to gain from turning something so insignificant into a bid deal? I suspect it has something to do with the whole emotions thing.

Example #3

Like it or not, guys are generally more physically strong than women. This disparity can understandably lead to a tendency for women to feel intimidated by men but most guys don’t I know don’t enjoy knowing women are afraid of them. In fact, most guys wish women weren’t intimidated or afraid of them because it’s already scary enough to go up and talk to a woman you’re interested in without the added concern of her potentially suspecting you want to rape and kill her. It’s pretty shit to be honest but that’s the inevitable outcome of this discrepancy of physical power between the sexes.

There’s no denying that there are men out there who like knowing that they’re stronger than women but it’s worth keeping mind that most of those men also enjoy knowing they’re stronger than most men as well. They’re just dickheads, really. Still, it is important to recognize this difference in physical strength and be aware of the potential negatives that can create. Our society attempts to work around this difference in physical strength but making it known from a very early age that you never hit a woman. It’s really drilled into us as we grow up and very, very few men are unaware of this social norm by the time their body has become clearly stronger than a woman of the same age.

But, solving one problem sometimes causes another. Enter our video evidence:

Don’t push your luck. The poor boy in this video is just trying to get home on the bus and is clearly being subjected to some pretty awful bullying. It’s difficult to argue a case for the girl who is standing over him and hitting him in the head when the boy is saying “Please stop. I just want to go home”. It doesn’t seem like he did anything wrong. It really looks like she’s just acting like a crazy little bitch who has forgotten the fact that the kid she’s picking on is about twice her size. I’m not in favour of violence as a solution to your problems but there are occasions where you have no other option available. Watching this kid wrap that horrid little monster up in a hold where she could no longer harm him and then release her and ask if she’s ok struck me as strangely gentle and caring.

Yes it’s wrong for a boy to use his physical advantage over a woman for his own wants but it’s just fucking crazy for anyone who is clearly on the wrong side of the physical equation to go starting shit. That old adage “Pick on someone your own size” get’s pretty close but I prefer “Don’t fucking pick on anyone, least of all someone twice your size” is a somewhat better suggestion.

This young lady chose poorly. She thought that kid would just accept her urge to punch him repeatedly in the skull and do not fight back. She thought that having her brother there to protect would be an added advantage. She indulged her urge to emphasize her position in the local food chain and has become an internet sensation for all the wrong reasons.

Example #4

Following on from the previous example is this incident of two teenagers in “conflict”. Again we see a much smaller girl bullying a boy. In this case, the boy suffers a mental handicap and you’d have to acknowledge that the punches she throws are somewhat heavier. See for yourself:

Unlike the previous example, however, this lad just cops the abuse. I admire his restraint but I’m not certain I prefer this ending. The rest of the world was pretty unhappy about this incident, so much so that the female star of the video and her family had to go into hiding once it surfaced.

The young girl in this video chose her battle very poorly. Picking on a handicapped kid because he’s not willing to hit you? Seriously? What the fuck? I don’t like that her family feared for their lives but for every action there will be a reaction. Choosing to participate in this was her contribution to the terror her family went through and I, like anyone else who’s seen this footage, hope she’s learned her lesson.

What I’m getting at here

Conflict can be unavoidable but where the option to avoid it exists, how about choosing that option? Society looks at the people who intentionally create conflicts as misfits. If you’re female, that’s going to get you lumped into the bitch category. If you’re out there starting fights with people that can obliterate you if they choose to, you’re going to be called a crazy bitch. You risk having your whole family humiliated and having to hide away from the world because you haven’t recognized just how lowly the world views bullies. You also risk having shit beaten out of you by someone twice your size that you’ve spent the past few minutes enraging. These are bad choices.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t start fights. Don’t bully people.

Crazy bitch bonus tip: Everyone has a breaking point. Do not seek it, or you will bare it.

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