Tag Archives: butt

But… butt… why the arsehole?

9 Sep

I know I’m getting older and I’m losing touch with what’s cool and what’s not, but…

Asshole tattooSeriously?

If someone come to me and said, “hey I want to make hundreds of tiny painful incisions in your poo chute and leave ink in those holes so that there’ll be a permanent design there”, the only chance they have of getting me to agree to it is by following that up with, “and I’m going to pay you $1,000,000 if you let me do it.” And even then I’m not sure I’d go for it. If I did, I would do so begrudgingly and be keeping it very, very quiet.

So it makes it difficult for me to understand that the girl in that picture went to that tattooist and told him, she’d pay him to do that to her. I actually feel bad for the tattooist because that’s gotta be one of the shittiest jobs he’s ever had to undertake.

And you’ve gotta wonder why anyone would want a tattoo on their clacker. Even if you’re an exhibitionist, it’s not exactly an easy location to see. Frankly, the whole thing is outside of the realm of logic for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking it’s just a bit too out there to be anything less than cookoo mcgoos.

Hey, at least it’s unique

Y’know, it’s amazing how far people will go to be unique. The Guiness Book of World Records is testament to that. Maybe the woman in the picture above thought she was going to be unique because of her tattooed brown eye. Maybe that was part of why she decided to get it done.

I hope not, because…

and also…

So…

It’s your body, you own it. You can do whatever you want with it. It’s just that some things might seem like a good idea at the time but turn out to be horrible choices down the line. Think about it. As weird as it would be going through the process of getting a tattoo on your rectum, at least tatooists are generally used to weird shit, but if (when) you change your mind and decide to get it removed, you’re going to have to explain to someone that you thought getting an anus tattoo was a great idea back in the day but you’ve changed your mind now and you’d really like lasers shot directly at your bunghole to get rid of it.

It’s your right to make bad choices and trust me, I’ve made a fuckload of them myself, but I’ve never gotten a goddamned butthole tattoo because everyone knows that’s a fucking crazy thing to do.

Crazy bitch tip: You really, really, really, really realllllllllllllllllllly don’t need a tattoo on your arsehole.

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Origins #19

10 Jul

My boss’s daughter had just complimented me on my forthrightness in warning her that I might burp while we discuss the fallout of us hooking up.

Here we go!

As much as I was worried about burping midway through, and that I had potentially risked my job by getting together with Rene, I was relieved that I was going to find out what was actually going through her head.

I can’t remember word for word, of course, but as best I can remember, the conversation started something like:

I know we’re supposed to talk but I don’t know where to start…

That’s ok, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just tell me what’s on your mind and we’ll go from there.

I struggle with things like this. I get choked up.

Rene struggled to get that last phrase out. She quivered as she pushed the words out it and her eyes were welling up. I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

It’s ok, Rene. We’re just talking. Everything’s alright.

I know, but, I just… I always fuck everything up.

You can’t fuck this up. Please don’t worry about that. Just tell me what’s stressing you out about it.

It’s all so complicated, y’know? I’ve been going through a really hard time lately. I just don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like everything I do is wrong. I don’t think I’m in a good headspace to start something serious. I feel like I have to be selfish right now to get myself back together.

What do you want out of this?

I dunno, I’m not really after anything serious. I just want to hang out with you and see what happens.

but, like, do you want a relationship?

I want to make it clear what I was thinking here, because I think it matters to the story. To me, a relationship in that context meant, do I want to spend time with Rene without seeing anyone else at the same time, and the answer to that was “yes”, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to jump into anything serious. I was thinking we’d take it really cruisy and under cover, and see how things play out. Anyway, I replied…

Yeah. I mean, I wanna get to know you.

Rene was looking at me with an expression equal parts agony and joy.

I’m going through so much right now. I’ve got nothing left to give.

I didn’t think I was asking her to give me anything, so I was a bit confused, but she seemed to be struggling so much to get it all out that I didn’t want to press her on it.

If you didn’t work for my Dad, that’d be different but… and I’m still trying to get over… I don’t know how… it’s too much. It’s so complicated.

What the hell is so bloody complicated?

I wanted to know what was so complicated. I wanted to know what else was going on. I wanted to point out that I was the one who’d have to worry about her father’s reaction, not her. But I didn’t. I chose not to because Rene was struggling so badly to get the words out and it felt cruel to attempt to pry more information out of her.

I’m not after anything serious. I just want to get to know you better because I only ever see you at work things. I normally would have let it go when you sent that message through the other day, but I’m into you and it’s really rare for me to get feelings for someone, so I’m going out on a limb here. I think it’s worth trying.

You know I was with my ex for years right?

Yeah.

I’m more attracted to you than I ever was to her.

Rene’s eyes went a little extra wide at hearing that. I was trying to make it clear that I was genuinely interested in her. In hindsight I guess that was a pretty intense thing to say, especially considering how stressed out Rene seemed to be.

We can keep it casual. It doesn’t have to be super serious, I just don’t want to not even try. We can just hang out and have some fun together. Nobody needs to know, we can keep it quiet, we don’t even have to go out in public. We can just enjoy ourselves and figure it out from there.

Do you mean like, a purely physical thing? Just sex?

Friends with benefits?

I was pretty confused at how or why Rene had gotten the impression I just wanted a friends with benefits style relationship with her from what I said. I thought it was obvious that I meant I wanted to spend time getting to know each other properly before getting into anything serious, but I guess I worded it poorly and she’d gotten the completely wrong idea.

No, I mean pretty much the exact opposite.

I meant that I want to spend time with you without getting up to anything sexual for now, see how we get along and keep it as chilled out as we can until we know where we’re at.

Oh… Um… OK… But I thought…

Rene seemed taken off guard. Genuinely surprised by my response.

I don’t know what she was thinking but I was really astounded she didn’t realise that was the only option I could realistically suggest. It was the only way I could go out with Rene behind her father (my boss’s) back, without being horrendously disrespectful. I figured people might find out that we were hanging out and that the only way I could get away without getting fired if it got back to Tim Everlong was for it to be obvious that I wasn’t just using his daughter for sex, and was instead treating his daughter with the utmost respect.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Rene contemplated that out loud while looking at the ground. She looked extremely confused and I wanted to lean over and kiss her right there and then. It felt like an identical situation to when she was sitting on my couch and I’d kissed her for the first time.

I started to lean towards Rene but felt my belly grumble. I’d forgotten about that burp that had been trying to force its way up. The thought of belching into Rene’s mouth mid kiss-dive was more than enough for me to immediately give up on the idea.

I rebalanced myself on the grass sitting there as that huge moon dispersed reflected light into the Indian Ocean and considered the ridiculousness of my circumstances. There was really very little to do but ask.

Rene, are we gonna hang out?

Rene looked me in the eyes. Her lower lip quivered. Her eyes closed for a few seconds. Her head dropped a little and she looked back up at me.

No.

I won’t pretend that didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a big surprise. I was prepared for it but it was still somewhat deflating. I didn’t reply. I looked down away from Rene’s eyes, redirecting my eyes out over the ocean. I caught myself biting my lower lip and had a brief moment of “Holy shit, I might actually cry.”

Instead of crying I took in a deep breath and let out a long, slow sigh and looked back into Rene’s eyes.

It’s… It’s not you… It’s me, y’know?

I couldn’t believe she’d actually used that line. George Costanza came to mind immediately.

I was offended to hear it but I ignored it, figuring it must be a tough spot to be in and finding the right words would be difficult.

It’s such bad timing and I just don’t think I could be in a relationship right now.

It’s alright.

Life’s not like the movies

Rene was on the verge of tears at this point. It wasn’t an easy moment for me either but I’d switched into stoic, unimpressed mode.

It’s just not the right time… it’s just… life’s not like the movies.

I remember that statement very well, “Life’s not like the movies.” Even in that moment I wondered what possessed her to utter such a loaded statement.

I could. If I wanted to. If I really wanted to I would. I’d go for it if I really wanted to.

At this point it seemed like Rene wasn’t even talking to me anymore. I felt like I was a bystander while she was having an internal dialogue that was leaking out through her mouth. It felt like I shouldn’t be hearing those words, so I leaned over and put my hand on her shoulder.

It’s ok, Rene. I get it.

But I would. If I wanted to. Just not now. It’s the wrong time.

Rene pushed those words out between the tight gasps of breath of someone who is crying, even though her eyelashes were barely wet. Then she said something that seemed out of nowhere…

I don’t want to fuck this up.

It looked like she was about to break but was doing everything she could to hold it back. I was confused by the somewhat mixed sentiments I was hearing, but the overall vibe was that, regardless of whatever the reason was, we weren’t going to be hanging out.

I didn’t want to drag that moment on any longer.

I get it.

I squeezed Rene’s shoulder in an effort to communicate the sentiment physically. I felt her relax a little and watched her come back from the verge of tears as my words registered in her head.

I’d had a go and it didn’t pan out in my favour. I could deal with that. Like I said, I’d been prepared for that outcome and I intended to simply take it as a compliment that someone as impressive as Rene had been attracted to me at all.

She might as well have spat in my face

The tension seemed to disappear as Rene came back to being in control of her breathing. Then she said the worst thing she could have possibly said to me at that point in time…

Can we be friends?

She might as well have spat in my face.

Listen, I can handle someone not being interested in me, and I can handle someone not knowing how to tell me that but we all know that when someone says “can we be friends” they’re effectively saying “You are of no reproductive value but I will allow you to be near me in exchange for compliments and putting up with me whine about other guys”

Inside my head, little explosions started going off. Thoughts started burning through my brain at light speed, “Did she really just say ‘Can we be friends?’ That is so disgustingly and disrespectfully cliche. Go fuck yourself, Rene”

Those thoughts erupted inside my head but that’s where I kept them. I had to remind myself that while the situation was difficult for me, it was also difficult for Rene, and even though I have heard those words too many times in the past, Rene’s not to know that and it’s not her fault that she happened to say them.

I calmed myself down, tried to undo the scowl that had taken over my face. I shook my head while I said, simply:

No thanks.

I think I’d gotten the scowl off my face but I couldn’t get rid of the “are you fucking serious” eyebrow raise. Rene was obviously confused by my reaction. The way she looked back at me, you’d think I’d just told her “catfish dinosaur constellation is made of bat semen in the chocolate olfactory hereditary cardinal zeitgeist with goats milk.” or something.

But… wh… why not?

I don’t want to be friends, Rene. I’m not into it. I’m never going to be the guy that you talk with about other guys. That’s not me. I’m not that guy.

I would never do that to you!

I appreciate that, but we’re never going to be friends.

Oh… uhh… ok.. I guess.

In fairness, maybe Rene genuinely wanted to be friends but I spent far too much time in the friendzone as a teenager and I have since flat-out refused to be put there. That might not be very mature, nor an especially nice way to accept what is theoretically a nice offer, but Fuuuuuuuuckkkkk thattttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t be a good friend to someone you’re interested in anyway. It’s shitty scenario and I refuse to be a part of it.

I wasn’t rude in the way I responded to Rene about it, I was just straight forward. I didn’t say it in an aggressive or harsh way, I just told her in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t be friends. As surprised as she was, she seemed to understand where I was coming from.

That’s that

At that point I figured we’d done all the talking we were going to do on the topic and figured it was better to get was no doubt going to be a stupidly awkward drive home over with.

I suggested that we’ve talked about what we came to talk about and that I had to be up for work, so we should head back. Rene, who seemed confused at my reactions in general, agreed with a nod despite her face still being stuck in “I’m not quite sure what just happened here” mode.

As we walked back to Rene’s car, I noticed she had a goofy smile on her face. She wasn’t saying anything but she was very clearly a long way from the near tear outburst of a few minutes before.

What the fuck was that?

As we arrived at Rene’s car I felt something hit my arse. Rene had just given me a smack on the bum!! She was giggling about it as she tried to scamper around the car to the driver’s side.

I had no idea what in the name of almighty fuck was going on. Why the fuck would someone who just broke up with me and tried to friend zone me smack me on the arse? I had no clue but a smack on the arse is a pretty suggestive thing so I grabbed Rene and pushed her down onto the bonnet of her car.

She giggled the whole time. She squirmed and wriggled and was clearly thoroughly enjoying the fact that I was holding her in place. Fortunately, the walk back to the car had jiggled that mega-burp I’d be dealing with around enough that I’d forgotten about it, and now, with Rene pinned down to the bonnet of her car, giggling after smacking my arse, I was free to go in for the kiss.

I leaned in to kiss her and she giggled and squirmed away. I tried again and she giggled even more but again squirmed out of the way. As I was in close to her face but not lined up correctly to kiss her, Rene said…

Don’t make this hard.

I was utterly confused and, not knowing exactly what to do, I tried again to kiss her.

Please don’t make this any harder.

I decided that was enough trying for me. I let Rene up and saw her face was flush and a huge smile across her face. I was confused as all shit. That last bit completely changed how I’d understood the conversation. I thought she’d just broken up with me using generic, lame, bullshit cliches.

We both got into Rene’s fancy little BMW and, still giggling, Rene began driving us back.

Next time

The ridiculous night continues and my brain becomes the equivalent of a grey matter pretzel…

Image

Butterflies have a short life span

12 Mar

Butterflies have a short life span

Crazy bitch tip: Butterflies have a short life span. The same is true of the time in your life when wedging a g-banger up your clacker and exposing your caboose is going to be well received.

Do not assault and abuse priests in the name of ‘equality’

26 Feb

A few weeks back, a video surfaced of some very angry Argentinian women attacking a group of male priests as they stood in defence of their cathedral.

[Warning: this video contains violence, vulgarity, and female nudity]

What the hell is going on here?

The reason for this conflict is because Argentina has strict laws which limit abortion. Abortions may only be conducted if the woman has been raped, or if she is mentally incapable of rearing a child. The women in the video are fighting for their rights to have control over their own bodies, to be able to choose to have abortions, and they blame the Catholic church for blocking the removal of religious based abortion laws through the Argentinian governmental system.

At a certain point in the video, the women are chanting:

“To the Roman Catholic Apostolic Church, who wants to get between our sheets, we say that we want to be whores, travesties and lesbians. Legal abortion in every hospital.”

I know that these issues are contentious, but my personal belief is that a woman has the right to choose what happens to her body, so in theory, I sympathise with these women.

But in action? Not so much.

The women in this video are attacking the men standing guard of their church. They swear at them, spray-paint the men’s crotches, draw swastikas on the foreheads of the men, perform lewd acts together in front of the men, and even force their naked bodies against the men, intentionally causing the men to touch their nipples, bums and vaginas. The women run around topless and even completely naked as they scream at the top of their lungs. They spit in the faces of the priests and violently attack them.

Why it’s so very wrong to behave this way

Fair play, sometimes it’s difficult not to lose your shit when you feel like you’re being oppressed. I get that. Trust me, I seriously do know what it’s like to want to punch people in the face because they’re mistreating you. The thing is, by actually following through with your urges to violence, you downgrade yourself. Regardless of the validity of your point, you won’t be taken seriously.

If you’ve just seen someone rip off their clothes and force a priest to touch their breast before drawing a swastika on his head, punching him in the face, spitting in his eyes and then masturbate in front of him while grinding against him, would you take that persons opinion seriously?

No! Of course you wouldn’t! How could you possibly separate their opinion from their ridiculous and vulgar actions?

In addition to the fact that much of the behaviour in this video is actually criminal, the bigger reason that it’s the wrong thing to do is that it damages the movement the women believe they are fighting for.

Imagine the thoughts running through the minds of these very religious men as they’re being spat upon and punched and spray-painted. The women in the video are living out what these priests believe to be the actions of temptation and sin. The women in the video are proving to their religious enemies that they can’t even protest without acting like Godless heathens.

Personally, I’m not religious, but even as a non religious person I still think it’s way beyond necessary to spit in a priests face because you disagree with the actions of the church. That’s like spitting at the kid who serves you at McDonalds because you’re unhappy with the company’s globalisation efforts. It’s not the kid’s fault and it’s not the priest’s fault, and spitting on them isn’t going to fix anything anyway.

These women claim to be feminists but behaviour like this makes it more difficult for the women’s movement to progress against a heavily religious government. It reinforces mistaken religious beliefs that women are temptresses designed to cause men to sin. It does the exact opposite of the intention of the protest. That’s why it’s a fucking terrible way to protest.

Better options

What better options do these women have? Pretty much every option except the one they’ve chosen.

In most places, women are near enough to half the population, so voting is an excellent way to bring about change. These women could have supported politicians who would go on to fight for their rights using the political system.

Another reasonably approach would have been to use the media, both domestically and abroad. Unlike only a few decades ago, we now have the opportunity to create and share journalistic content ourselves. We can make important issues known not just within our own small communities, but we can make our voices heard the world over.

In this particular case, though, I think the best way to stick it to the religious litigators would have been to have a peaceful protest. Instead of raging at the priests, treat them in the same exact way the women themselves are fighting to be treated… with respect and dignity. Imagine how differently the rest of the world would have reacted in 20,000 women had gathered around that church and stayed there for a week without damaging anything or hurting anyone. Imagine the positive message that would have brought for the women’s rights movement in Argentina. It would have shown the powers that be that these women are here and demand to be noticed, but that they’re civilized enough to have reasonably discussions about the problems they’re facing.

Learn from this

The fight to ensure women around the world are treated as equals to men is a very worthy cause. Believe it or not, the majority of blokes I know are also in favour of women being treated as equals. The problem is that the remaining bag of dickheads who do see women as inferior point at actions like those seen in this video as evidence which proves their outdated way of thinking.

I think the thing to take from seeing this clusterfuck of violence and criminal behaviour is to learn that you get far better outcomes by choosing not to lose your shit, even in the face of oppression and mistreatment. Like I said, I totally understand the urge to boil over with rage and go apeshit, but if it will only get you further away from what you’re really after, what do you gain from doing so?

The archaic structures that are still in place to limit people’s individual freedoms and rights are being smashed away more quickly than at any point in human history, but we must all be patient as we try to deconstruct these relics from yesterday.

Crazy bitch tip: Screaming and spitting do not help you get your point across effectively.

 

Read more about this event at: opposingviews.com/i/religion/topless-feminist-mob-attacks-cathedral-argentina

Origins #10

23 Feb

I’d just slid face first across my bed into my boss’s daughter’s boobs after trying very hard to behave myself. As I mentioned last time, I don’t want to go into too much detail about what we got up to, but I do have to tell you some things because they’re relevant to the story.

I should also also point out that I’m doing my best remember all this stuff accurately even thought it happened over 4 years ago. I’m confident that what I do remember is accurate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I muddle up the sequence of events of this particular night. I doubt I’d remember much of it at all if I hadn’t been forced to think about it so much, but we’ll get to that later and why I’d rather forget the whole damned thing. For now, we’ll carry on from me being in bed with my boss’s daughter.

A face-full

I dived across the bed and went face first into boobtown. Rene absolutely loved it and sounded ridiculously happy about what was happening. She was giggling and running her hands through my hair and down my back. There was no confusion here. Rene Everlong had 100% intentionally gotten me into bed with her and was loving the fact that her efforts were paying off. We kissed. We touched. Clothes were thrown asunder in the same way those pesky hamburger wrappers are furiously discarded by teenagers as they attack the grease laden nourishment they’ve hunted down in a munchies-driven, fast food binge.

That is to say, there was passion in the moment.

A real man

Somewhere in the mix Rene said, “It’s been so long since I’ve been with a real man.”

I guess the point of her telling me that was for Rene to let me know that she viewed me as a real man, whatever the fuck that means, but I also took it to mean that she separates men into two categories: ‘real men’, and the rest. About that same time, Rene also mentioned that she liked that I was biting her neck by saying something about ‘rough’ being good.

I’m telling you these things that I’d rather keep private because they’re important to the story. For example, I liked hearing that Rene enjoyed a bit of roughness because I’d been with a few girls who were into that and I’d learned how to deliver what they liked. In the process, I’d discovered that there’s a level of rough play that is actually fun. I wouldn’t have ventured into that territory myself, but by learning about it with girls who really liked it, I discovered that it’s just another way to play. I grew to enjoy it and when Rene brought it up, it suggested to me that she was uninhibited and fun, and I dig that.

It’s funny, even at the time, when Rene said that thing about a ‘real man’, it caught my ear. It’s just one of those things. I don’t like that women see men that way and quite frankly I didn’t know what the hell she expected of me as this mythical ‘real man’ figure. I’m just a guy. I can kill bugs, open tight jars, lift heavy things, use a drill, and all that shit but beyond that, I don’t know what the hell a ‘real man’ is supposed to be.

Am I just a piece of ass to you?

At some point in the frolicking, my attention was drawn to Rene’s derriere. Rene was blessed with not only boobs that can convince a wary man to dive across a room at them, but also a back end that would easily illicit the phrase ‘dat ass’ on loop if she were to find herself in the sort of territory where that’s common vernacular. Yes, Rene was a weapon of mass seduction and I was being demolished and loving every second of it.

I was midway through enjoying caressing this sculpture of femininity when I mentioned to Rene that I’d always thought she had a great ass. Rene’s eyes lit up when I told her that and she asked me when I noticed her. I told her she had my attention from the very first time I met her. I was flattering her but I wasn’t lying.

I had been attracted to Rene for a very long time and I was really stoked that we’d finally gotten past the bullshit of dancing around the topic and had finally admitted that we were attracted to each other. At least, I thought that was the end of the bullshit.

Out of nowhere, Rene starts crying again!

Between her tears I heard her say, “Am I just a piece of ass to you?”.

“What? Why would you ask me that?”, I replied.
“Tell me the truth. Am I just a piece of ass to you?”, Rene said again as she continued to cry.
“No. You’re not just a piece of ass to me. I don’t understand why you’d think that.”, I told her.
“Because you were saying such nice things about my body”, she replied as I tried to wipe away her tears.

I was so confused. Here I was after all this effort to not hook up with my boss’s daughter and she finally had me in bed with her after I’d made it clear (as far as I was concerned) that I was interested in her, and she’s crying about the fact that I find her physically attractive!

Up until this point I’d assumed that it was clear to Rene that I was interested in her. I thought our actions were speaking louder than words and that it was unnecessary for me to actually say that I was interested in her, but there I was again, with my boss’s daughter crying at me because she thought I wasn’t interested in her, and for bonus points, this time she’s almost completely naked in my bed.

I wasn’t really ready to tell her that I’d been interested in her for a long time. I wasn’t looking to let that cat out of the bag so early on. There were many reasons for that, one of them being common sense. Another major reason was that I felt like I’d be putting myself in a very vulnerable situation, and I don’t do vulnerable. I’ll explain why a bit later, but I had a decision to make. I could keep my feelings to myself and watch the girl I’d been interested in for a long time cry in my bed because she thought I was only interested in using her for sex, or I could own up to my feelings.

Vulnerability

One big thing I’d been forced to acknowledge about myself after breaking up with the girl I’d been with for 6 years was that I didn’t allow myself to genuinely feel emotions. That was a strategy I’d taken on in my youth as a way to help me make it through my… let’s go with unconventional… childhood. I essentially would just block any sort of emotion before it got in so it couldn’t do any damage to me, but after that break-up with my ex, I’d come to the conclusion that my efforts to block out all the bad stuff was also causing me to miss out on all the good stuff too.

I figured you can never be truly happy if you don’t allow yourself to feel things, and I’d been working on that since. It wasn’t easy for me. Honestly, it was scary as shit! But I’d decided that was what I had to do if I wanted to be happy, and that I had to do so when the opportunity arose.

To me, Rene crying because I hadn’t shown her any genuine emotion was a prime example of how badly I was hurting myself by not allowing myself to genuinely feel things. So right there in that moment, I decided I’d fight through all the parts of me that were telling me not to open up to her, and be honest with her.

I told Rene that I’d noticed her the first time I met her and that I’d felt like there was some major chemistry between us ever since. I told her that I’d always looked forward to getting a chance to spend time with her and that anytime there was a work function, I was always hoping she’d be there. I explained that I’d had a crush on her for a long time. That I thought we had some sort of cool connection that’s really rare for me to find.

Rene was gleaming. Shit, I reckon you could have lit a street with the amount of glow she was putting out. And I felt good about it too. I felt like I’d broken past my own bullshit and that, whatever happened, that was an enormous step in the right direction for me.

Next time

The story of that ridiculous night isn’t over yet. I’ll try and get through the rest of it in Origins #11.

Crazy bitch tip: Figure out what you really want instead of chasing things down and then throwing them away.

Snog, Marry, Avoid

1 Feb

Some women go overboard with their ‘style’. Snog, Marry, Avoid is an effort to resolve that.

Crazy bitch tip: When your own children are telling you you’re wearing a bit too much make up, you might want to listen to them.

Origins #8

1 Feb

We ditched the trolly out the front of my apartment building and laughed our way up the stairs to my shitty little apartment. Y’know, I’m a bit harsh on my place. It’s a very small two bedroom unit thing but it does sit above the others and has a nice enough view over the city of Perth.

Rene and I spilled in through the door, both reasonably drunk and a quite knackered from the walk. Pushing the shopping trolly laden with one boss’s daughter aboard for a few blocks had taken the wind out of my sails for the time being.

Shots fired!

And what’s the smartest thing for a guy to do once he’s got his somewhat drunk boss’s daughter in his apartment? Why, offer her a drink of course!

I assumed Rene would ask for a water or cool drink or something. “You should make me a cocktail!”, was her actual response. I don’t know where she thought I was hiding the cocktail bar. I just laughed and told her it’d have to be a cocktail shooter. Making mixed drinks is just one more thing I know bugger all about, but when I was 18 I did learn to layer drinks in a shot glass, so I got to work on that.

Shot cocktail collection: Red and Blue Tequila

Like this but wayyyyy less classy

Changing it up

The reason we were at my place, as far as I was concerned, was for me to get changed so we could head off to humiliate ourselves at the nearest karaoke bar. With that in mind I told Rene I’d go get changed out of my work uniform into something more appropriate for drunkenly screaming into a microphone in front of bewildered strangers. I changed into a half decent looking shirt and a pair of jeans and switched my sneakers for some shoes nice enough to get me past the ridiculous footwear expectations at the bars in Perth.

I was all prettied up and ready to go but Rene had other ideas.

“You haven’t showed me around your place yet”, she explained. So I gave her the grand tour or the loungeroom/kitchen, the balcony and the second bedroom, which had my weights bench set up in it. This caught Rene’s interest and she decided she wanted to have a crack at bench-pressing what I had on the bar. To my surprise, she actually managed to get the bar back up mostly on her own. She wanted to go for another but I warned her I was probably too drunk to spot her properly, and that we should quit that particular endeavor as winners.

Instead of leaving the room though, she hopped up on the weights bench and leaned up against the window looking out at the view. It struck me how that was the most ridiculous way you could go about seeing the view. I mean, you don’t need to be on your knees on a weights bench with your arse pushed back to get a look at the view. Yes, I did appreciate the view I was getting in that scenario, but I still wasn’t planning on any shenanigans of that nature.

Bullshit! You were after something!

Yep. I’d be lying to say I wasn’t hoping for something to happen that night. What I was hoping for was that Rene would cut the bullshit and let me know she was actually interested. I figured once we’d both admitted that we were into each other, we could figure out if it was worth doing anything about. I was hoping for words, rather than actions, because actions are what would get me in trouble. Words were risky but a lot safer.

I wasn’t so keen to admit I was into Rene. I don’t think I’d really even considered if I was into her or not. I had so much more contact with her sister Laura, and I’d caught myself becoming interested in her but I’d always shut it down because she had a boyfriend. With Rene, I had a crush going for her but I’d never thought about anything beyond that because she wasn’t around as much and because I didn’t really understand what she was after, and I thought she was out of my league anyway. I couldn’t tell what she was really after, and I wasn’t going to get carried away overthinking a bit of flirtation here and there.

There was also the issue that, if I was going to be stupid enough to have a go with either of the Everlong sisters, I would have to choose carefully because I was certain that trying with one meant blowing my chances with the other. I didn’t realistically think I had a chance with either of them, but y’know how it is… when you daydream about possibilities you still like to keep your options open.

But there I was with Rene in my place, both of us fairly drunk and she was throwing some seriously flirting my way.

Better call Laura

Whenever things seemed to be calming down for a second, Rene would demand we have another drink, so I kept making those goofy layered shots and we kept knocking them back. They were full of vodka and advocate and whatever else I could find. They weren’t tasty, but Rene was pretty keen to keep the alcohol flowing.

I was in two minds as to how to deal with the situation I was in. Heading out to the city meant taking my boss’s daughter out on the town when she was already acting a bit over the top, but staying at my place meant potentially doing something that might jeopardize my job. I thought it was a safer bet to head out for karaoke, so I suggested it. Rene told me she’d rather hang out at my place for a while, that maybe we’d go later but we should watch a movie or something in the meantime while she rested up from the walk to my place.

Rene and Laura were very tight-knit sisters, so Rene decided she’d better let her older sister know where she was. That seemed pretty reasonable to me at the time but I quickly realised that having the family who own and manage the company I work for talking about the fact that the youngest daughter was at my place, and sounding a bit drunk, might not be a greatest thing for me.

I’m not a wise man when I’ve been drinking, or ever really, so the best solution I could come up with was to find a humourous interruption to make it obvious that nothing dodgey was happening. A flicker of stupidity ran through my head and I grabbed my guitar, interrupting the phone call with a magnificent rendition of “Burn for you” by John Farnham.

I chose that particular song because it had come up in conversation with Laura earlier in the day, in the same conversation where we ended up talking about letting people know if you want kids or not.

John Farnham

John Farnham was a hugely popular singer in Australia. I bring him up because he happens to play a weirdly significant role in the overall story. If you want to learn more about him, check out his wikipedia page but suffice to say, he was massively popular in Australia, especially throughout the 80s and early 90s and the Everlong family and I, and pretty much everyone else, were all adoring fans of the guy. That fandom will come into things later on.

Anyway, in the conversation I’d had with Laura earlier in the day, I mentioned that I loved the song Burn For You and she told she thought it was Farnsy’s most boring song, so when I chose to interrupt Rene’s conversation with Laura by playing that specific song, I was being a cheeky bugger. I was playing a song I knew she found annoying and thought was a great way to imply that everyone at my place still had our clothes on and we were just having fun being silly.

The backfire

Rene finished up the call with her sister, put her phone away, and suddenly burst into tears. At the exact same time, I felt my phone vibrate like I’d just gotten about 10 text messages. I ignored the texts for the time being and squished up next to Rene to ask her what was going on. As it happens, the lyrical content of the song Burn For You is all about a guy who’s desperately in love with a woman, Rene had completely misinterpreted my choice to play that specific song to Laura at that point in time.

Through her tears Rene said, “You like Laura don’t you?”
“What to do you mean? What are you talking about?”, I said.
“You’re interested in her. You don’t like me, do you?”, she said.
“Where’s this coming from? She’s got a boyfriend!”, I asked her.
“Yeah she’s got a boyfriend and you still like her more. Why do you like her more than me? What does she have that I don’t have?”, Rene sobbed.

By this point I’d wrapped an arm around Rene in an effort to console her. My other hand was on her knee. She sat there on my couch with her knees up in front of her, her head down, tears rolling down her face. I’d done my best to ignore it but I did have a crush on her and had done for a long time. There I was trying to console this girl who I liked as she cried because she thought I wasn’t interested in her. This same girl had made it clear earlier that night that she wants people to treat her like a normal girl and forget that she’s my boss’s daughter. I was stuck with the choice of either telling her that I’d liked her for a long time, or leaving her to cry in front of me in my own place.

Rene stopped talking but continued to cry. I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed me back. It was one of the most intense kisses I’ve ever been a part of. I remember the slight taste of salt on her lips from the tears. I remember that the way she kissed me back reassured me that I hadn’t made the wrong choice.

 

Crazy bitch tip: If you spend all your time concealing your intentions, don’t expect people to trust you.

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