Tag Archives: funny

Don’t read things that make you feel crazy

21 Apr

 

  
Yes, obviously these are parodies, but they’re disturbingly accurate. 

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t buy magazines that make money by exploiting your insecurities.

Also, if anyone knows the source of these please let me know so I can credit them.

Drunk dialing is bad

11 Jul

Check out this unbelievably cute message left by a drunk girl.

She sounds adorable right? Well

Let’s think about that voice mail. It sounds like Ryan might be politely trying to avoid seeing this young lady. This next video does a pretty good simulation of how we might imagine Ryan dealing with discovering this gem:

Yes! Dominic is adorable! But she’s also doing an excellent job of sounding like an absolutely crazy bitch, albeit an adorable version of a crazy bitch, but an adorable knife still cuts just as well.

My favourite part about our adorbs little sweetheart is that she either dialed the wrong number, or, more likely, was given a fake number. We know this to be the case because of the summary of the video on youtube: “I got this message late Friday night. BTW – I didn’t go out that night.”

“In USA MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA where yer-you are FREE to TEXT in a THE-A-TER!”

While we’re dealing with crazy phone calls, here’s another one I quite like:

I love this. I love when people who are being arseholes are called out for acting like arseholes and then they accuse the people who called them out of being arseholes for calling them out. I love the circle of arseholery. I love how upset they get. I love the fact that this woman was so upset that she called and left an arsehole message after undoubtedly being an arsehole about getting kicked out for being an arsehole. To summarize… what a fucking ARSEHOLE!

Crazy bitch tip: Keep in mind that regardless of the positive or negative intent behind your message, there’s always the potential it could end up on the internet.

Sarah Silverman’s how not to rape list

28 Mar Sarah Silverman's anit rape list

I like Sarah Silverman. I’ll eventually do a post about just awesome I think she is because she’s a genuinely brilliant, intelligent and interesting person. I don’t have time to tell you all the other reason’s I think she’s awesome, so I’ll just share with you this image she put up on twitter:

Sarah Silverman's anit rape list

Sarah Silverman’s anit rape list

In case you can’t read it, this is what it says:

  1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.
  2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her along.
  3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.
  4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.
  5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.
  6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.
  7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
  8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, as a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.
  9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.
  10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

Sarah Silverman (via her Twitter)

While I’ve pointed out that I do believe women have a responsibility to protect themselves and avoid dangerous situations, this list is a pretty hilarious indictment of the revolting way some men behave. This list definitely belongs on our sister site, How Not To Be A Massive douche.

Nice work, Ms Silverman!

 

Video

It’s on the other side

31 Dec

I’m sure this lady is not a crazy bitch, but this video does give the viewer that kind of impression. Come on lady, seriously… it’s on the other side!

80 Miles Per Hour

20 Nov

This lady isn’t a crazy bitch. I really just found this funny so I wanted to post it.

Apparently she’s not the only one who doesn’t understand the concept.

And it’s not a gender thing, either.

At least the kids get it:

Can’t tell if crazy bitch, or dorito

12 Nov

Fashion is a personal preference but I’d suggest that it’s far better not to trigger this question in the minds of passer-bys…

Not sure if human... or dorito

See a few examples of what not to do below. See if you can pick the odd one out.

Crazy bitch tip: If there’s the chance you could be confused for an Oompa Loompa, your fake tan has gone too far.

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It’s a bit cold out

11 Aug

It's a bit cold out, better put a hat on (picture of young woman wearing a beanie and jacket but wearing tiny shorts which show off her arse)

Family guy examples

20 Jul

Asking out a 24 year old girl

This seems so exaggerated that it couldn’t possibly be real, right? False. It might be exaggerated but this is exactly what it’s like when you’re a guy trying to ask out a girl like this. I don’t know about other guys but for me, when I was asking a girl out, it wasn’t meant to be a game or deception or anything confusing, I was just asking her if she wanted to spend some time with me. This seemed to be completely lost on some girls though.

If a guy asks you out and you want to go out with him, say “Yes”. If a guy asks you out and you don’t want to go out with him, say “No thanks”. If you’re not sure if you want to go out with the guy, say “Yes” and figure it out by the end of the date.

There’s no reason to turn it into some big confusing pile of horseshit, and here’s some inside info from the guy’s side it pisses us off, confuses us and if you do a bad enough job, it can really hurt our feelings. There’s nothing more humiliating than finding out the girl you though was keen on you was just playing with you for some attention and there’s nothing more frustrating than finding out that the girl you really liked wanted to go out with you but was “playing hard to get”.

Pleas understand this. Men cannot read your mind. You might be playing hard to get while every other girl that guy has asked out was just not interested, how the hell is he supposed to know that when you say “No”, you actually meant “Please ask me again later to confirm for me that you’re really, really interested because I like playing weird little games with people instead of just saying what I actually mean.”?

Men: We don’t know what we did

And that brings me to the fact that us mere males have pretty much no idea what the hell you women are after most of the time.

This is an interesting little bit of animation here because when most guys watch this, they laugh at how crazy the girl is but when most girls watch it, they understand why the girl is upset. In case you didn’t get it, watch it again but keep this in mind… the girl is interested in the guy and she’s hoping that he’ll ask her to walk with him to the next class they both have together, the guy is of course, completely unaware of this and his non-nonchalant “Seeya there” is seen by the girl as a rejection and thus, humiliated, she runs away. Her friend is then furious at Mr Oblivious for hurting the young lady’s feelings.

I’ve been through this one too. Actually, I’ve been through this one a LOT. Let me point out yet again that men have no mind reading super powers, no matter how much you might wish we did. When girls act like this, they expect guys to be paying attention to all their little cues and hints and body language and whatever else but you forget that we might not necessarily be in detective mode every waking second of every day.

There’s a massive crossover between the behaviour of a girl who is legitimately attracted to a guy and a girl who is just being friendly. There are also girls out there who just love to flirt with guys they aren’t interested in, and that looks pretty much identical to when a girl is interested. Guess the wrong way and make a move and the guy can be mockingly rejected, guess the wrong way (or don’t even notice) and the guy runs the risk of massively offending the girl. It’s a minefield.

Interestingly, most women tend to stop playing the confusing games and being indirect as they get older, especially so if they’ve never married.

Going on a blind date with a 37 year old

I don’t have direct experience with dating a 37 year old. I have, however dated some ladies in their early 30s and even some in their mid-to-late 20s who have acted in a slightly less cartoony version of what’s shown in the animation above. The increasingly loud biological clock and other societal pressures tend to mount against women as they get older if they’re still single and childless.

When women let this pressure get to them, a lady’s standards can drop through the floor. Once desperation creeps in, things get pretty full on. To tell you the truth, ladies, it can be flat-out terrifying. As a guy, it can end up feeling like her sole interest in you is for your baby batter and as soon as she’s certain you’re not firing blanks, her focus turns to limiting your opportunities for escape. I’m reminded of episode #12…

and episode #13

What the hell is my point?

We don’t know what you want. We know we want you to have it (unless it means you’re just trying to lock us into a quickfix marriage to beat your biological clock) and we know we don’t want to upset you if we can avoid it, so maybe it’s worth noting that WE CAN’T READ YOUR MINDS. 99% of the problems I’ve run into with girlfriends and potential girlfriends has come down to one simple thing, a lack of clear communication from the woman involved and it drives me round the bend. Why the hell did we put all this time and effort into creating all these different languages with all these beautiful words if you’re still going to try and communicate with your eyelashes and various other silent and generally invisible ‘hints’?

If you ladies are gonna make fun of guys for acting like cave men and being big dumb animals, don’t go getting all shitty at us when we do a piss-poor job of playing super-duper girl move detectives. WE DON’T KNOW THAT LANGUAGE AND THE MOVES MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS DEPENDING ON WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO. So please, stop it.

Crazy bitch tip: if any of the women in these videos remind you of your self, it’s time to do some self reflection and consider if that behaviour is actually helping you towards getting what you want.

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Alien tears

10 Jul From theoatmeal.com/comics/aliens_b_word

Just caught a new comic from The Oatmeal which touches on Lesson #6 – Crying, even Ripley isn’t able to overcome the evil superpower that is crying.

Crazy bitch tip: Tears are powerful, do not abuse this superpower.

Video

Episode #20 – Cut off

3 Jul
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