Tag Archives: gross

Public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation

31 Dec

Alrighty. I would have thought it would be obvious that public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation, but every once in a while I’ll stumble onto a picture like this one on Reddit:


and these sorts of images remind me of two things.

  1. Some people either don’t realise they should not masturbate on public transport, or they literally can’t help themselves from doing so.
  2. Some people aren’t aware that they don’t have to sit quietly beside someone as they furiously masturbate in public and ignore it like nothing’s happening.

So, for those of you who didn’t yet know this… you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! Now, onto those of you who know you’re not supposed to masturbate on public transport but you do it anyway, go see a doctor and tell them that. They will be able to lead you towards either a psychologist or a psychiatrist who will attempt to treat you for that, because seriously, you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! even if you really, really want to.

As for point 2, I would to make this very clear to everyone here and now… you do not have to politely ignore that someone is jerkin their gherkin beside you!! You can get up and walk away, or politely ask them to stop, or contact the driver/conductor etc, or call the police, or security or whoever, but you don’t have to just put up with it!!

To me, putting up with someone giving themselves a pants party in the seat beside you is only slightly less crazy than actually being the person who’s decided the 7:30 train home should take a detour through pleasure town. There are times when you’re completely within your rights to yell at a stranger and I’d rate having my seat-mate start spanking their monkey is definitely on the list. I mean, you can start with a polite clearing of the throat first and progressively work your way up to a full fledged scream if you don’t want to run the risk of accidentally verbally abusing someone who has had an unexpected attack of ants biting their genitalia, but I’d suspect those false alarms are the exception rather than the rule.

Crazy bitch tip: If you or someone else is crazy enough to start masturbating on public transport, please take plenty of photos so the police have a lot of evidence to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Additional information

Incidentally, this is far from the first post on How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch about how to act on public transport. In previous posts, we have outlined some basic rules of public transport, and attempted to articulate why behaviours such as screaming at people, swearing at and/or attacking other passengers, or wearing a mermaid gimp-suit is considered poor form while traveling in a shared environment with strangers.

Here are some examples from those other posts.


A woman dressed head to toe in latex with flippers for feat and no eye or mouth holes.


A matter of taste

30 Dec

When did you last masturbate? This doesn't taste like three days!

To be honest, I kinda think if you know someone well enough to differentiate the taste of their semen based on days gone without ejaculating, you’ve got a very tight-knit relationship going and that’s sort of nice. With that said, it’s still going to sound weird if you question your significant other’s masturbational frequency based on the taste of their man-goo.

Crazy bitch tip: A lot of people are going to assume you’re a crazy bitch if you start using your knowledge a cum-connoisseur as evidence to prove or disprove the statements of others.

That’s too much information #2: family shit

29 Apr Comparing their poo and sharing it with Facebook

Holy fuck. Who does this?

Comparing their poo and sharing it with FacebookSeriously? I can’t believe the following tip is necessary.

Crazy bitch tip: do not poo on a plate and compare your poo with that of your relatives and then share a phototgraph of it on Facebook (or any other social platform, or anything, anywhere).

If you absolutely have to compare your turds with your family, say for medical reasons, keep that shit to yourself!

Sometimes you can’t hold it

19 Apr

Credit goes to reddit.com/u/majibita for capturing this unsightly faux pas.

credit to reddit.com/u/majibita

In all fairness, the woman in this picture is more than likely a nice, normal human being who just had a shitty night (I’m sorry). At least her face isn’t in the picture.

Take this as a damned good reminder that, if you’re not feeling so hood, you’re better off facing the queues at the ladies dunnies that trying to hold out to flirt with Mr Right.

Crazy bitch tip: your flirting success rate will greatly diminish in accordance with the amount of fecal matter you currently have dripping down your legs.

Public transport strikes again

16 Apr crazy bitch on a bus

I’ve mentioned before that public transport is not the place for arguments and tantrums. It appears, however, that the star of this next video has not been reading How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch.

Things don’t start out well, and then they get worse, and worse. I think the highlight of the lowlights is when she tells another woman on the bus that blonde hair and blue eyes trumps brown hair and brown eyes, then lifts her shirt to reveal her jiggly belly with pride, then she spits on a stranger.

That’s not appropriate behaviour on public transport, or anywhere for that matter.

Crazy bitch tip: I feel like I’ve said this before, but spitting at people never improves a situation.

You’re scaring the children

30 Mar A woman dressed head to toe in latex with flippers for feat and no eye or mouth holes.

Hey, listen. I get that people like to get their freak on, and I’m totally on board with that. Well, to a level at least.

I reckon there has to be a line drawn in the sand at which it’s no longer ok for you to enjoy your kink, and I think that line is when you find a way to creep kids out in the process of indulging your fetish.

This, for example, is crossing a line if you ask me…

A woman dressed head to toe in latex with flippers for feat and no eye or mouth holes.Kids have got enough shit going on between having to learn everything they need to know to have the slightest hope of getting by in the big bad world without having to waste time asking questions about the latex mermaid they saw on the bloody train.

And it’s not just the kids, either. Those kids have parents who are going to have to answer those questions.

“Daddy, is that a mermaid?”
“No son, I’m pretty sure it’s a lady being forced to wear a full body latex suit, complete with tail, by her ‘master’. Her master is her sexual partner. If I had to guess I’d say this lady gets off on being degraded in public and her partner gets off on abusing people for his own entertainment. It’s just a sex thing, sweetie, she’s not a monster, just a kinky woman.”
“But how does she walk?”
“I don’t know, kiddo, I’m more curious about how she breathes.”

That’s not a conversation anyone should ever have to have with their kid, so please keep your freaky deaky sex clothes and paraphernalia out of their general vicinity.

Crazy bitch tip: Keep your dungeon antics to the dungeon and away from the children.

Snog, Marry, Avoid

1 Feb

Some women go overboard with their ‘style’. Snog, Marry, Avoid is an effort to resolve that.

Crazy bitch tip: When your own children are telling you you’re wearing a bit too much make up, you might want to listen to them.

Some sugar ain’t so sweet

23 Jan

Just… just watch

“I didn’t see his winky at all” – Judy “He’d write me cheques and I’d go to the local bank and cash them” – Judy “I could open my own business and do those things… but… I wanted to shop” – Judy “There’s like 50 different sugar daddy sites but I went to the one that said ‘official’ ” – Judy “She’ll come into the computer room and she’s like ‘Oh Mommy are you on Sugar Daddies again?’ and I’m like ‘Hillary’, and she’ll be like ‘Do we have to go to Western Union right now…?’ ” – Judy

Holy mother of crap. First off, sorry to subject you to the Tyra show (or whatever it’s called). These sugar babies are revolting to me. Seriously, flat out revolting. The word “vapid” sums it up perfectly as far as I’m concerned. In the same way that the guys out there who actually go around cat-calling are ruining things for the rest of us, women like this are making it worse for the decent women of the world.

That’s just not cool.

The decent guys out there in the world who’ve done well enough for themselves to have a bit of money are constantly under attack by women like this who trade their appeal for trinkets. That makes those guys wary of women generally, and turns the whole approach to getting into a relationship into this game of figuring out what your partner is really interested in.

At least these little money-suckers are up-front about it, I suppose.

So, big surprise, each of the sugar babies has been hurt in a relationship. Then they decided that all men are dogs, gave up completely on love and went balls-to-the-wall chasing down shiny and luxurious bullshit and using men as the way to get them.

The point that dude makes about these women having expiration dates is a damned good one. You can pull this shit for a while, but it won’t last. And when the guys with the money aren’t throwing it your way anymore, you best at least have a way of earning it for yourself.

It’s not only looking at men as if they’re money fountains which is gross, it’s looking at life as if it’s all about collecting shiny crap with fancy labels and aiming to be doted on like a spoiled fucking child. That’s the really scary part.

I totally get that, for a lot of people, having a sense of security is an important thing in life, and that one of the great advantages of having access to money is that you feel secure, but geeeeeez, what about actually loving the people you spend your days with? How can you possibly be happy if you’re putting up with someone because they can cover your expenses? I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to marry someone who’s rich, but I am saying don’t sniff out their wallet before you figure out if you like their personality.

These Sugar Daddies are pretty fucking gross too. Throwing money at these girls like they’re whores just to get them to spend time with them, and turning company into a transactional arrangement. It’s friggin revolting. You can be damned sure that, just like the sugar babies in the video, these blokes have also given up on a lot of things.

It trips me out that there are dudes out there who are so willing to shower these vapid, materialistic bimbos in cash just to be around an attractive woman. For fuck’s sake, there are so many beautiful women in the world who are not looking at you like you’re a walking bank account, why not try to spend time with one of them? It’s such a cowardly approach to getting attention from the women these guys find attractive.

It’s a superficial exploit on both sides, sugar babies are attracted to money and don’t much care who happens to have the wallet, and sugar daddies are attracted to young, well shaped women, regardless of how horrible their personalities are. The girls’ side is “I like shopping, and you have money”, the guys’ side is “I like sexy and you’re carrying it around with you”. If the guy goes broke, the sugar baby leaves. If the girl gets fat or unattractive in some other way, the sugar daddy leaves her behind. There is absolutely zero interest by either party in the actual person behind the looks or behind the dollars, and to me, that’s more than enough reason to think this sugar daddy/sugar baby bullshit ain’t so sweet.

Crazy bitch tip: Earn your way and you’ll never have to rely on anyone else to feel secure or get what you want.

Do not lick cream out of someone’s buttcrack for tickets to a festival

21 Dec

A Chilean woman was so desperate for tickets to a festival called Maryland¬† that she LICKED CREAM OUT OF A RADIO DJ’S BUTT to ‘win’ them.

Tastes like eternal shame

Tastes like eternal shame

I don’t think I need to go into a lot of detail on this one. Suffice it to say, you shouldn’t do this.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t lick cream out of people’s butts for tickets to festivals.

Please don’t dye your armpit hair

7 Dec Pink and purple armpit hair

Me, personally… not a fan of armpit hair. I tend to be less attracted to a woman who keeps her armpit hair, and I know that nobody else should really give two shits what I find attractive, but I get the vibe a lot of other people are on the same page with this. Still, I have nothing against women keeping their armpit hair. Shit, shaving your face regularly is enough to help any bloke understand that trying to maintain areas that aren’t often seen would be the sort of thing you might choose to skip.

I agree that everyone has the right to present themselves the way they wish. I agree that society is far too judgmental of outward appearance, and we should all shift towards focusing more on the value of a person’s soul, rather than their level of attractiveness.

Having said that, I don’t think fashion is going away any time soon. Part of fashion is trying new things. Part of trying new things is getting things wrong. But then you see something like this.

Pink and purple armpit hair

Photo credit: gypsy-lovechild and queer-vegan-tspin Tumblr

Some things are not right. Dying your armpit hair is one of them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be allowed to do it, I’m just saying a lot of people are going to think you’re a crazy bitch.

I don’t know shit about fashion. I don’t know shit about what it’s like to be a woman. I do know that this is a trend I hope goes away soon.

You can find out more about this at: http://m.beautyheaven.com.au/hair/hair-colour/dyeing-armpit-hair-beauty-trend-13842, while I attempt to stop dry heaving.

Crazy bitch tip: dying your armpit hair is not a form of social protest, it’s a way of informing people that you’ll jump on a trend that should be avoided.

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