Tag Archives: how not to be a crazy bitch

Crazy right?

20 Jan
Crazy right?

Posted to reddit by xThunderpimp

The urge to do this is understandable, but actually going through with it is… it’s too much.

Crazy bitch tip: Yes, that’s crazy.


White people are allowed to have opinions

28 May

I missed the first part of this video the first time I watched it, so I was shocked by the actions of the presenter.

Then I watched it again and caught the part where the woman tells the presenter that his opinion is invalid because he’s a white male and suggests that because he’s a white male, he’s automatically racist and sexist. I also noticed that, in the midst of this she tries to talk over the host of the show and then accuses him of talking over her.

At a certain point, there’s just no way to be on her side.

For me it was when she couldn’t handle the criticism the host aimed at her and told him that she wasn’t “going to enact the labour of having to explain” why the hosts criticism of her calling him a racist, sexist purely for being born a white male is offensive to her.

For the record, I know ‘her’ name but I don’t want to direct people in her direction, so I’m going with the generic forms of ‘she’ and ‘her’.

Honestly, I just feel bad for her. I feel bad for the majority of these young social justice warriors, really.

Yes, of course there are wrongs going on in the world and there are people that seek to take advantage of you or are prejudiced against you because you were born female or an ethnicity other than Caucasian, but I think it’s been so brainwashed into these young women that they’re seeing it in situations it doesn’t exist. That wouldn’t be such an issue if it didn’t actually hurt the cause, but it does. It diminishes the impact of the voices of those people who are fighting against actual injustices. It reinforces the opinions of those people who are sexist and racist and it alienates the people who are actually on the good side because they get blamed for things they have nothing to do with.

Anyway, you might as well disregard anything I’ve said on the matter because I’m a white, male and my opinion is apparently racist, sexist and minimalising everyone on the planet. Sorry about that, and sorry about talking over you.

Crazy bitch tip: Maybe you should enact the labour of explaining whatever the fuck is going on in your head so that someone can understand why you’re calling everyone racist sexists.


I found a video in which a guy goes through and accumulates all the various bullshit the young woman in the video has been up to.

But I’ve realised that it’s presented by a white male, so again, it’s clearly completely invalid as well.

10 Things you should not do at a bar

26 Mar

10 Things you shouldn’t do at a bar

Bars are fun. Drinking is fun. Meeting strangers can be awesome and dancing your butt off to your favourite tunes can be downright glorious. Remember however, bars are magnets for crazy bitches, and seeing that I’m trying to dissuade women away from being crazy bitches and/or being mistaken for crazy bitches, I thought these suggestions might come in handy.

These aren’t the only rules for not what to do at a bar, but they’re some of the more important ones.

10. Don’t get shitfaced

Sure, you’re there to have a few drinks, but you don’t need to empty every bottle in the bar. Try to keep in mind that the point of being at a bar is to socialise, and it’s difficult to socialise when you can’t even talk. Also, the more you drink, the worse you’ll look in photos.

too drunkWhy not?

Looking bad in photos isn’t the worst of it.

Massive hangovers suck really bad. So does waking up with someone you would very much prefer to have never touched. Waking up in a jail cell is pretty shitty and I reckon waking up in the hospital is even worse. You can usually avoid all of these things by keeping yourself from achieving shitfaced status.

Think about it for a second… they call it shitfaced… it’s not exactly a positive description, is it?

9. Don’t get into fights

This one applies to inside and outside the bar. If the point of going to a bar is to socialise, rolling around on the ground trying desperately to cause another person to bleed seems to go against that objective.

You’re not going to get along with everyone in a bar. That’s ok. That’s part of life, and that’s why you can choose to talk to someone else, or go to a different bar or, y’know, any other civilised way of not ending up rolling around on the ground trying to rip out someone else’s hair.

Why not?

Even if you really hate someone there, before you engage in fisticuffs with them, consider how much time you’ll waste in dealing with the bar staff, the police, and potentially at the hospital. It’s not fun dealing with people in uniforms when you’re just trying to have a fun night out with your friends. It’s not fun for your friends to wonder if you’re ok. Having a record for assault is never going to improve your life.

If you can’t think clearly enough to avoid getting into fights, look back at point #10.

8. Don’t be shitty to your boyfriend

A bar is not the place to test how much your boyfriend is into you, or to see how willing he is to stand up for you.

Don’t go around flirting with guys in front of your boyfriend, that shit’s not cool. If you’re not sure how much he likes you, there are better ways to figure it out than trying to enrage him by being massively disrespectful to him in public.

Similarly, don’t go around expecting everyone else in the bar to put up with you doing whatever the fuck you want, and then get all surprised when they point out that you’re behaviour is making their night worse.

Why not?

What almost always happens in these scenarios is that your boyfriend is going to have to stand up for you, and when you tell the random, massive dude who’s beer you just spilled all over the place that “My boyfriend will kick your ass!”, you’re either going to cause your boyfriend to take punches to the face for you, or get into a big argument with you about why he sided with those complete strangers over his girlfriend.

And if you’re flirting with other guys in front of your boyfriend, he’s going to get pissed off at you or at the guys. Either way, you’re pissing your boyfriend off.

That’s ultra shitty. There’s no good way out for your boyfriend and that’s just a straight up shitty way to treat someone you claim to care about.7. Don’t take your clothes off

This isn’t one of those hard and fast rules, I’m just saying, at least think to yourself “Would I be doing this if I was sober?”

For example, if you’re wearing a coat and it’s really warm in the bar, take off the coat. You’d do that if you were sober, so it’s a reasonable decision. If removing the article of clothing would cause the police stop you in the street, were they to see you, you can generally assume that’s not something you’d usually do when you’re sober, and thus is not the right way to go.

The woman in this video clearly didn’t follow the simple “Would I take this off if I were sober” decision assessment.Why not?

Well… there are several reasons. If you can’t answer them for yourself when you’re sober, I don’t think there’s anything I can say that’s going to help, except that maybe you should consider a career in exotic dancing.

6. Don’t go overboard with public displays of affection

Just like the previous rule about taking your clothes off, the PDA rule requires a bit of self evaluation.

The whole point of going to a bar is to socialise, so it’s bound to lead to showing some affection sometimes. Note that word some. Kissing your boyfriend or your girlfriend, if that’s your thing, is totally cool. Depending on the place, some sneaky groping might not cause too much hub-bub.

There are a couple of clues that it’s going too far which are hard to miss. One of them is that you realise that you’re kissing someone more for the benefit of everyone else, rather than for you and the person you’re kissing. A really easy way to figure that out is when the bar erupts into applause.

Another way to evaluate if your PDA is going too far is to consider if it would make a good viral video.

Even when the irony of the situation demands it, it’s still not a good idea.

Why not?

Because if you’re really into it, you can find somewhere private. Also, not everyone is actually into seeing you do that shit, and the people who are don’t give a shit about you, they’re just in it for the show. Think about it this way, do you really want to be one of the “skanks” those people will be laughing about later in the night? and probably jerking off to later that night? Do you want to be the star of a viral video about having sex in public? See, that’s the sort of shit that make’s it tough to get a job.

If your answer to those questions is “No”, what else is there to say?

5. Don’t cry at or around the bar

Hey, look, emotions happen. That’s just a part of drinking and socialising. Getting some sort of emotional response is kind of the point of going in the first place, but those negative emotions… the ones that lead to crying, they’re just not good for a bar situation.

Why not?

Crying is an obvious sign of a person in a vulnerable state. Predators seek out people in vulnerable states.

I don’t know about you, but that video skeeves me the fuck out.

The other major reason to keep your negative emotions in check at the bar is everyone is trying to have a good time and it’s way harder to enjoy your night with people crying around you. If you keep it up too long, you’re going to piss people off, like the girl in this video, who was crying at the bar staff that she needed a charger for her phone.

You want another reason? I feel for the girl in this video because she seems really nice, but it is a great reminder that crying isn’t very flattering.

4. Keep the dancing to the dance floor

I know how it goes. You’ve done some pole dancing lessons and you’re feeling really good and you know for damned sure you’re looking good. Those tequila shots are kicking in and then you see it… a pole. It’s just there waiting for you to dance on it and show everyone in the vicinity just how well you can ride it.

Unfortunately, the people who put that pole there probably weren’t expecting it to be used in an ad hoc amateur pole dancing session.

Maybe it’s not the random pole, maybe it’s the table.

Maybe it’s barely even the table at fault

Why not?

Did you not watch the videos?

3. Don’t pee anywhere except in the ladies toilets

Yeah, the lines are long and the wait is horrendous. Maybe if women didn’t turn using the toilet into a social affair things would move a long quicker and you wouldn’t have to do the gotta pee dance half the night. Doesn’t really matter though, because the only place you’re allowed to pee when you go to the bar, is in the ladies toilets at that bar, or at your place when you get home.

You don’t get to use the gent’s room. They already make us piss into a trough like livestock. We shouldn’t also have to deal with the confusion of seeing a woman in there! The point in the night when you start to think using the men’s room is a good idea is the point in the night at which you need to focus on rule #10 again.

And that doesn’t mean

2. Don’t lick any buttholes

At no point in your time at the bar, should your tongue make contact with a butthole of any sort.


Some of these rules have grey areas. This one does not.

If your tongue somehow does make its way into the general locale of a butthole, just call it a fucking night and go home because something either went really, really wrong, or you’re into that sort of thing, in which case something went really, really, right. For good or bad, it’s time to leave the bar.

Why not?

Most people go to bars to get away from the assholes they have to suck up to during the day and they don’t want to be reminded of that bullshit.

1. Don’t suck 24 dicks at one bar

Alright, listen up. No matter how awesomely and magically it is explained to you, there is never, under any circumstances, a good reason to suck 24 different dicks at a bar.

Usually I prefer to leave room for a potentially plausible cause for outright ridiculous behaviour, but when it comes to putting the cocks of 24 different guys in your mouth in one night at a bar, I just can’t come up with an even remotely acceptable explanation.

Apparently the girl in the video thought she was going to get a holiday. She didn’t get a holiday. A Holiday is the name of a drink they serve at the bar. If my understanding is correct on this one, this young woman put the various dangly and/or firmish man bits of 24 guys in her mouth in hopes of earning a vacation while she was already on a vacation, and instead earned herself a drink.

Jesus H Christ! Most blokes will buy a girl a drink if she bloody well smiles at him! Maybe try that first!

And as for this supposed trip, what fucking holiday could possibly be worth sucking off 24 strangers?!?! Unless you were promised a first class guided tour of every country on this ridiculous planet, and the moon, and every planet in our solar system, and maybe backwards and forwards in time, then maaaaaybe it’d be worth it. Otherwise, what in the fuck could possibly convince you that you need to put 24 individual sweaty, gross, hairy, unprotected cocks into your mouth?

If you really want to play the old trading sexual favours to gain wealth and a luxurious life style card, you’d be far better off heading over to the casinos in Monaco to find yourself a billionaire rather than a shitty dive bar in spain where the clientele are totally cool with watching drunken teenage girls get convinced to suck 2 dozen wangs for the promise of a motherfucking holiday!

Even a porn star would rate sucking 24 dicks in a single night as a pretty big deal. So maybe that’s one way to avoid doing something like this. Ask yourself, “would a porn star be remotely uncomfortable with this?” If the answer is yes, and you’re not a porn star, maybe you should nope the fuck outta there right away!


Crazy bitch tip: Rules 10 through 3 are pretty important and you should definitely stick to them, but everyone slips up from time to time, just make sure as hell you never break rules #1 and #2.


Woman parks in handicap spot and calls man with handicapped child rude

27 Feb

Maybe she’s a really nice lady, but she seems like a crazy bitch to me.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t go around being rude and then expect people to be polite in the way they address how rude you’re being.


Origins #1

11 Oct

About 4 years and two weeks ago I experienced something that completely blew my mind, and to be totally honest, derailed my life for a few years. That experience, in combination with an inconceivable number of other unusual experiences afterwards, left me so bewildered with the actions of the women and girls I’d been dealing with that I came to the conclusion that the world needed a website dedicated to providing instructions about how not to be a crazy bitch.

I know it was about 4 years and two weeks ago because Australia’s most famous motor race, The Bathurst 1000, is on tomorrow.


Bathurst starts at a decent time over in New South Wales, about 10am, but Perth is 3 hours behind and that means I have to be up early on a Sunday if I want to watch every minute. I DO want to watch every minute! I don’t follow a lot of sports but Bathurst is one event that I really enjoy, so I usually go to bed early and try to have all my supplies ready for the day ahead. I usually even get up extra early, like 5am, to watch all the pre-race stuff. It’s a special occasion for me. I get a kick out of the whole event!

4 years ago though, Bathurst didn’t work out too well for me. I remember it all too well.

I had planned ahead and bought my vegemite, meat pies, tomato sauce and a six pack of beer but I didn’t eat anything at all throughout the day and I sure as hell didn’t drink any of that beer.



Nope, Bathurst 2010 involved a lot of me crawling to the bathroom, vomiting, crawling into the shower, crawling back to the floor beside my bed, trying to climb up the kitchen counter enough that I could get myself some water, and generally trying not to die.

Why was I in this miserable state on one of my favourite days of the year?


Because I drank my share of Absinthe at a party the night before. I also drank everyone else’s share of Absinthe. I suspect I drank Australia’s share of Absinthe that night. Let me tell you something, that little green fairy ain’t kidding around. Looking back, I should have gone to hospital because I’m certain I had alcohol poisoning.

But it’s why I drank all that Absinthe that relates to the start of How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch. See, about two weeks before Bathurst 2010, my boss’s daughter stayed the night at my place. More on that in the next instalment.

Crazy bitch tip: Your father’s employees are not toys.


Family guy examples

20 Jul

Asking out a 24 year old girl

This seems so exaggerated that it couldn’t possibly be real, right? False. It might be exaggerated but this is exactly what it’s like when you’re a guy trying to ask out a girl like this. I don’t know about other guys but for me, when I was asking a girl out, it wasn’t meant to be a game or deception or anything confusing, I was just asking her if she wanted to spend some time with me. This seemed to be completely lost on some girls though.

If a guy asks you out and you want to go out with him, say “Yes”. If a guy asks you out and you don’t want to go out with him, say “No thanks”. If you’re not sure if you want to go out with the guy, say “Yes” and figure it out by the end of the date.

There’s no reason to turn it into some big confusing pile of horseshit, and here’s some inside info from the guy’s side it pisses us off, confuses us and if you do a bad enough job, it can really hurt our feelings. There’s nothing more humiliating than finding out the girl you though was keen on you was just playing with you for some attention and there’s nothing more frustrating than finding out that the girl you really liked wanted to go out with you but was “playing hard to get”.

Pleas understand this. Men cannot read your mind. You might be playing hard to get while every other girl that guy has asked out was just not interested, how the hell is he supposed to know that when you say “No”, you actually meant “Please ask me again later to confirm for me that you’re really, really interested because I like playing weird little games with people instead of just saying what I actually mean.”?

Men: We don’t know what we did

And that brings me to the fact that us mere males have pretty much no idea what the hell you women are after most of the time.

This is an interesting little bit of animation here because when most guys watch this, they laugh at how crazy the girl is but when most girls watch it, they understand why the girl is upset. In case you didn’t get it, watch it again but keep this in mind… the girl is interested in the guy and she’s hoping that he’ll ask her to walk with him to the next class they both have together, the guy is of course, completely unaware of this and his non-nonchalant “Seeya there” is seen by the girl as a rejection and thus, humiliated, she runs away. Her friend is then furious at Mr Oblivious for hurting the young lady’s feelings.

I’ve been through this one too. Actually, I’ve been through this one a LOT. Let me point out yet again that men have no mind reading super powers, no matter how much you might wish we did. When girls act like this, they expect guys to be paying attention to all their little cues and hints and body language and whatever else but you forget that we might not necessarily be in detective mode every waking second of every day.

There’s a massive crossover between the behaviour of a girl who is legitimately attracted to a guy and a girl who is just being friendly. There are also girls out there who just love to flirt with guys they aren’t interested in, and that looks pretty much identical to when a girl is interested. Guess the wrong way and make a move and the guy can be mockingly rejected, guess the wrong way (or don’t even notice) and the guy runs the risk of massively offending the girl. It’s a minefield.

Interestingly, most women tend to stop playing the confusing games and being indirect as they get older, especially so if they’ve never married.

Going on a blind date with a 37 year old

I don’t have direct experience with dating a 37 year old. I have, however dated some ladies in their early 30s and even some in their mid-to-late 20s who have acted in a slightly less cartoony version of what’s shown in the animation above. The increasingly loud biological clock and other societal pressures tend to mount against women as they get older if they’re still single and childless.

When women let this pressure get to them, a lady’s standards can drop through the floor. Once desperation creeps in, things get pretty full on. To tell you the truth, ladies, it can be flat-out terrifying. As a guy, it can end up feeling like her sole interest in you is for your baby batter and as soon as she’s certain you’re not firing blanks, her focus turns to limiting your opportunities for escape. I’m reminded of episode #12…

and episode #13

What the hell is my point?

We don’t know what you want. We know we want you to have it (unless it means you’re just trying to lock us into a quickfix marriage to beat your biological clock) and we know we don’t want to upset you if we can avoid it, so maybe it’s worth noting that WE CAN’T READ YOUR MINDS. 99% of the problems I’ve run into with girlfriends and potential girlfriends has come down to one simple thing, a lack of clear communication from the woman involved and it drives me round the bend. Why the hell did we put all this time and effort into creating all these different languages with all these beautiful words if you’re still going to try and communicate with your eyelashes and various other silent and generally invisible ‘hints’?

If you ladies are gonna make fun of guys for acting like cave men and being big dumb animals, don’t go getting all shitty at us when we do a piss-poor job of playing super-duper girl move detectives. WE DON’T KNOW THAT LANGUAGE AND THE MOVES MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS DEPENDING ON WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO. So please, stop it.

Crazy bitch tip: if any of the women in these videos remind you of your self, it’s time to do some self reflection and consider if that behaviour is actually helping you towards getting what you want.


Episode #20 – Cut off

3 Jul
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