Tag Archives: mom

Motherly love

4 Jan

I have a huge affinity for the mothers of the world. The older I get the more I realise just how challenging an undertaking it is to raise a child and just how much hard work and sacrifice goes into it. To the billions of mothers of the world who have put their children’s needs and wants ahead of their own, I salute you and I hope your children show their gratitude to you for everything you have done and will do for them.

A tattoo with the word "Mom" in a love heart

With that said, there are a few mothers out there who are really letting the rest of the team down. I’m not talking about the mother’s who didn’t know the right thing to say when their child was upset, or couldn’t find a way to afford that special item the kid was dreaming of having, or the ones who had no choice but to end the relationship with their child’s father and unfortunately had to put the kid through a tough time in the process. No, those are parts of life. As difficult as those things might be, they’re not malicious acts.

bad

Unacceptable

The mothers who are letting everyone else down are those who refuse to accept the responsibilities of being a parent. That’s some real bullshit right there. Your kid has only got one mother and it’s impossible to overstate how important that mother is to her child. To not at least try to do the best for your child is unconscionable. Aside from the very, very small percentage of women who are genuinely forced into being a mother without any choice in the matter, the rest either chose to have a child or at least chose to ignore the steps that go into avoiding having a child.

Once the kid is born, you’ve got one responsibility before all else: to ensure that child gets the best life you can possibly provide him/her/other-politically-correct-alternate-gender-title. If it’s not in you to devote yourself to that child it’s better to put them up for adoption and allow someone else to show that child the love they’ll need.

To not give your kid your all is pretty shitty, but the sad thing is, there are mothers out there who are doing an even worse job than that. There are mothers out there who actually intentionally mistreat their children. If ever there’s someone who deserves the title of crazy bitch, it’s a mother who knowingly harms her child.

Here are a few examples not to follow if you’re fortunate enough to get the opportunity to be a mother:

I didn’t know it was possible to fit the word whore so many times into an 11 minute conversation with your son.

Crazy bitch tip: It’s never ok to wear a white dress to a wedding, least of all to your daughters. Also, when your children are telling you that you’ve hurt them over and over, acknowledgement and an apology is a better starting point than trying to convince them that they’re wrong.

Apparently she “didn’t mean to do that one”.

Crazy bitch tip: You should be mortified if you cause your child to fall and smash their head onto the ground, and if you’re not it’s time to speak to a psychologist about why.

This one is so hard to watch.

Crazy bitch tip: Discipline and torture are not the same thing. If your child is shrieking like an animal from the physical or emotional pain you’re inflicting upon them, you’re doing it wrong.

Crazy bitch tip: if even your dog can tell that you’re doing the wrong thing, it’s time to adjust your approach.

Crazy bitch tip: it is more important to feed your child than have access to the internet.

Crazy bitch tip: not everyone is meant to breed.

The truly revolting

Crazy bitch tip: you’re supposed to fucking protect your children from predators, not invite them into your home.

Crazy bitch tip: if your boyfriend wants to fuck your children, get the fuck away from him!

Crazy bitch tip: do not pimp out your own goddamned child!

Crazy bitch tip: do not pimp out your own goddamned handicapped child! For Fuck’s sake!!!!!!!!!

 

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That’s too much information #2: family shit

29 Apr Comparing their poo and sharing it with Facebook

Holy fuck. Who does this?

Comparing their poo and sharing it with FacebookSeriously? I can’t believe the following tip is necessary.

Crazy bitch tip: do not poo on a plate and compare your poo with that of your relatives and then share a phototgraph of it on Facebook (or any other social platform, or anything, anywhere).

If you absolutely have to compare your turds with your family, say for medical reasons, keep that shit to yourself!

Parenting: you’re doing it wrong;

2 Mar

I don’t have kids, so it’s fair to say I’m not the best person to go around judging anyone for how they parent their children. Then again, there are some parents out there who do such an impressively bad job of it that it’s tough not to think they should probably know better.

For instance, a Florida woman sent her daughter to school wearing this home made shirt:

the shame shirtIn case you can’t read it, it says:

My name is [blanked out]
I Currently Have All F’s
IN ALL OF My Classes. I AM
NOt aloud to have A boyfriend
No tiMe Soon. So back OFF before
I get another good WOOPIN like
I got last Night. Also I can NO
longer have ANY Friends until
All OF My F’s Are All Brought
Up to C’s And UP!!!

I was going to do that [sic] thing to point out that I’m knowingly reproducing grammatical errors, but if I put one of those in at every error, the quote would have gone on for miles, [sic] to the whole damned thing, ok?

In addition to this mother’s efforts to publicly shame her child by forcing her to wear this shirt, the woman was not kidding about the ‘Woopin’ she mentioned, and her daughter was covered in black and blue marks.

According to Hernando County Sheriff’s Department spokeswoman Denise Moloney, “She beat the child with a belt, and the belt had some sort of metal on it.”

Like I said, I’m not a parent, but… I reckon there are a few key aspects of being a parent that even I can point out as good and/or bad approaches.

For example, one responsibility as a parent is to protect your child. This woman from Florida seems to get the gist of this concept but is failing in the execution of it. See, I think it’s pretty obvious that the mother’s rationale is that by beating the crap out of her daughter and sending her to school in an humiliating shirt, she’s protecting the young girl from bad influences and trying to help her focus on her schooling.

The problem is, the mother has actually caused more harm to her daughter in the process of trying to protect her, than ever would have occurred if the girl failed out of school completely. Being beaten by one of the two people in the world you expect to protect you from beatings is a pretty rough thing to go through. The beating itself is painful, but it’s the memories of your protector causing you to suffer so badly that really lingers.

The public shaming aspect is off the mark too. Sure, this mother wanted to bring home the point that her daughter hasn’t been doing the best she can. Clearly it was important to the mother that her child take on board that schooling is important and that  failing out of all her classes is unacceptable, but, publicly humiliating a child at school is not a good way to encourage her to want to go to school.

So, those are the thoughts of someone who doesn’t have kids, but what do I know?

Well, I do know that the local sheriffs office has arrested the mother for child abuse, so I guess my whole “don’t beat and humiliate your children” thing is somewhat in line with the way they think. Here’s the mugshot of the woman alleged of these actions.author of shirt

Crazy bitch tip: do not beat and humiliate your children, even if they’re not doing as well at school as you’d like.

Do not leave marks on your children

30 Jun

This rule applies to all people and all children. This rule is simple. This rule is not negotiable.

DO NOT LEAVE MARKS ON YOUR CHILDREN.

The fact that you birthed a child does not entitle you the right to cause that child physical damage. It does not entitle you the right to intentionally scar that child. If you believe it does, you are a fucking crazy bitch. You are such a crazy bitch, that you’ll like go to prison.

That’s an important indicator during your self-evaluation. Think to yourself, would I go to prison for doing this thing that I’ve got it in my head that I want to do? If the answer is yes, and you continue anyway, have no doubt that you are a crazy bitch.

See this?

This is unacceptable. You do not need to brand your children, they will still be recognised as yours through their use of language, the fact that they live with you and that old reliable stuff we call DNA. Even if someone branded you, you still should not brand your children.

How about this?

This is also unacceptable. You should not have your children tattooed. Tattooing is permanent and it is painful. There’s no bloody reason you need to have a tattoo put on your child. Even if you’re a satanist and you want to hail your demon deity, you still don’t get to put a tattoo on your child. Do you know why? Because that’s fucking psycho! That’s why! Yet again, even if someone tattooed you when you were a child, you still should not tattoo your child.

What about this one?

Burning a child for any reason, is unacceptable. Do you understand? You don’t get to apply a burning hot iron to a child because your hair isn’t straight. You don’t get to burn a child because they’ve been crying. You don’t get to burn a child if they’ve accidentally cut your leg off with a chain saw. You should never burn your child.

And this?

Ripping your sons scrotum and applying superglue to the wound is not acceptable. Regardless of how angry you are, you don’t get to tear the flesh of your child. Regardless of how bad your day has been, you don’t get to rip the scrotum of your son. Regardless of who has been cruel to you in your life, you don’t get to grab your sons genitals and rip away at them so hard that you separate the flesh of his body and you sure as fuck shouldn’t try and fix it with glue and cover up the incident instead of seeking medical attention.

What the fuck is wrong with these batshit, crazy bitches?

Crazy bitch tip: If you know you’re a crazy bitch, please don’t procreate.

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