Tag Archives: omfg

Charity

31 Aug

Being charitable is a good thing, no matter what form you choose for your charitable efforts to take. It is however also true that in some instances, the suggested method of charity might raise more than a few eyebrows.

Some people mistakenly think that their charitable efforts should somehow relate to their vocation. For example, a bricklayer might think that the best way to offer assistance would be the offer of laying bricks. That’s an example in which the vocation might be a worthwhile contribution to the cause at hand. Other vocations like ‘blogger’, ‘movie critic’ or ‘bikini waxer’ might not be so beneficial. Let’s face it, if you’ve just experienced a tornado, hurricane, a flood, or some other monumental tragedy, you’re probably not going to get a lot out of a free opinion on the documentary being made about said tragedy.

That’s why, the more typical approach to being charitable in these situations is to donate some money to a reputable charity who will be assisting in helping those affected by the unfortunate circumstances. Part of the rationale behind that is that money is much more universally useful. Another reason, is that some pretty crazy offers come through in the name of charity…

I’m sure that most people immediately assume that all female porn stars are crazy bitches but I’m not one of them. I don’t think you can generalise like that. I do, however, believe that suggesting that you might offer some benefit to a bereaved man who’s daughter has passed away by dressing up as a schoolgirl and offering him your body for his own amusement, does make it difficult to argue against you being a crazy bitch.

I also concede that offering your asshole as a storage space to people going through a tragedy and combining that sentiment with ‘bless you’ is unarguably straight out of crazy bitchdom.

Crazy bitch tip: When it comes to charity, generally it’s not a great idea to offer sexual acts.

 

Letter to the editor #2

2 Jun

We’ve received our second letter to the editor and I have gotta tell you, it’s a doozie! Read on…

Hey How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch,

My mother-in-law is showing signs of serious crazy bitch behaviour.

So my 10-year-old daughter, Jane*, recently got her period for the first time. After a few screams and tears, my wife and I easily calmed Jane down by explaining that this was just another aspect of puberty.

But soon after is when the absurd conduct began: enter one intervening, traditional and adamant mother-in-law (think Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond).

For those unfamiliar with Marie's work.

For those unfamiliar with Marie’s work.

Behind my wife and I’s back, Marie* had fished from the garbage Jane’s first used pad and took it home with her to place in a snap lock bag. My wife discovered the artifact in one of Marie’s jewellery boxes and we soon both began asking questions.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that Marie believes that a girl’s first ‘bleed’ is something that is very sacred and should be retained for her future husband. According to her, if little Jane gives it to her first boyfriend, they will both be forever in love and live a prosperous life. Marie was planning on giving this back to Jane when she enters the dating scene to pass onto her boyfriend for good luck. Never in my life have I heard of such nonsense.

I’ve seen your posts on period-related topics; you seem to be on the same wavelength as me. Any advice in confronting Marie about not forging her unreasonable traditions on our family? I don’t want to cause her any sadness, but I also don’t want to jeopardise my daughter’s future.

Cheers,
Fed Up Son-In-Law

*Names have been changed

Firstly, thank you for the letter Fed Up Son-In Law.

Secondly, um… what the fuck am I meant to say to that? My immediate reaction is “That’s absolutely mental!” but I guess that’s hardly helpful in a situation like this. One key feature of this situation is that you’re dealing with a cultural practice and, as you’re clearly aware, people can be very tied to their cultural heritage and can get extremely upset if you don’t take these practices seriously.

I was pretty taken aback by this specific tradition but it’s a tradition none-the-less and yours and my shared belief that it’s an archaic and disturbing protocol isn’t going to add much additional space between the rock on your left and the hard-place on your right.

Here’s the best solution I can come up with to keep the peace between you and your Cookoo McGoos Mother-in-law:

Throw the original pad in the bin. Do that before anything else. No matter what happens, that thing has to go. Alrighty, now that your daughters blood soaked pad is out of the picture, we can get on to to placating your monster-in-law.

As a just-in-case, grab a clean pad, wipe a bit of tomato sauce on it and crinkle the thing up a bit to make it look used. Smash this period catchment imposter device into a sandwich bag and tell your mother-in-law that you want her to take care of it. Ask her if she’ll keep it in her freezer or something so you never ever have to see it again.

Then you take your family on a short vacation. A weekend road trip will do. When you get back from the road trip, you tell your mother-in-law that something wonderful happened… your daughter met a boy! She’s got her first ever boyfriend! Hooray and whatnot.

Now you tell your mother-in-law that your daughter is going to have a pen-pal relationship with this imaginary lad and she’s so taken with this idea that the bloody-pad will lead to a long and loving relationship, that she wants your mother-in-law to send the item that she honestly believes contains her granddaughter’s first blood (which sounds like a title for a terrible action movie to me) to the boy on her behalf.

Then you provide your mother-in-law the address of someone you strongly dislike and BAM, you’ve hit two birds with one fake period blood carrying, comfortable stone. Just make sure there’s no return sender address on that envelope and you’re scot-free!

Thanks again for the letter. Please don’t take on my suggestions. Maybe just tell your wife that it’s her job to stop her mother ruining your daughter’s life.

If anyone has a better suggestion, please post it in the comments!

 

Video

Episode #7 – Lasagne

21 May

This relates to a recent post

Acceptance

20 Apr

Sometimes in life, things are not the way we want them. It’s better to accept the truth than lie to yourself.

20140420-104905.jpg

No matter what she’s telling herself, they don’t fit.

Crazy bitch tip: Lying to yourself doesn’t help convince the rest of us.

Accepting no for an answer

4 Apr

It can be difficult to accept no for an answer. We’ve all been faced with that situation and felt that urge to continue to fight it when we know there’s really no way around it. Maybe the person you’re interested in doesn’t feel the same way about you but you’re sure you can convince them. Maybe you really wanted to succeed at something and you tried as hard as you possibly could. Or, maybe you just really want some chicken nuggets but they’re only serving the breakfast menu.

Whatever the case, it’s extremely difficult to be faced with a “No” when you want to hear “Yes”. Difficult it may be, but you need to find a way to accept it or you run the risk of putting out that vibe of being a bit off. If you still won’t accept that No after a few months, you’re cranking that vibe up to creepy status. Still refusing to accept that No for an answer after a year and you’ll push yourself into that crazy-bitch echelon. Beyond that and you’ve realistically got bigger things to worry about than what other people think of you.

That’s how it usually works but it is possible to accelerate your way straight to “holy mother of crap! that bitch is crazy! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES” territory within just a few seconds. For example…

 

Right about when she warned “Don’t make me assume my ultimate form” I’d have grabbed a bag of frozen chicken nuggets and handed ’em right over.

Crazy bitch tip: Some people will stick to the rules even when their lives are in danger. If they tell you no, best just to find a way to accept it.

Self-evaluation

29 Mar

Today we will continue from the previous post about what is, and is not, appropriate and extend a little further into making sure to evaluate the decisions you are making before you go through with them.

Let’s start with a clear and simple distinction you can make to simplify your decision making: you will be judged based on your actions, not on your thoughts. Take a minute and consider that separation.

What I’m getting at here, is that you can think about whatever you want. You can calculate, plan, and ponder to your heart’s content and get away with it. And just quietly, everybody does. Every person on the face of the earth thinks the occasional dodgy thought. Personally, I tend to think about how I’d approach getting away with “the perfect crime”, but that’s all it is, thinking. Maybe I’ll turn that thinking into a movie script one day but you can be damned sure I won’t actually go out and try to commit the crime because… well… that’d be stupid and kinda crazy.

Like I mentioned, it’s your actions that will be judged. Your actions. You might not have control over the thoughts that run through your head but you can control how you behave in response to those thoughts. Let me present an example of someone who had a thought and just kinda ran with it…

This is a woman who was faced with a problem, that being that she was unhappy in her relationship, and came up with a potential solution, which was to have him killed by a hitman and to pay for it using the life insurance she would receive upon her husband’s death. Sure, that’s one way to go about it but there are a few less life-ending options. Here are a few I’ve come up with:

  • Tell your husband you’re unhappy and want a divorce
  • Tell someone else to tell your husband you’re unhappy and want a divorce
  • Write a letter to your husband to tell him you’re unhappy and want a divorce
  • File for a divorce and send him the papers
  • Leave without telling him

The woman in the video clearly ranks as a crazy bitch but she’s well and truly above what we usually talk about here. This is sociopath, psychotic level, proper clinical crazy. This is off the charts, holy crap, how-can-she-talk-about-murdering-her-husband-and-laugh-at-the-same-time? crazy.

The thing is, the same principles still apply. If this vapid capsule or self-centered, self-gratifying, pure evil, soulless, demon-woman had just stopped and considered her line of thinking, and thrown in a bit of self-evaluation, she might never have become known as that fucking monster who giggled as she attempted to pay a murderer to end the life of a man she vowed to love forever, and all because she thought a divorce would be a hassle.

As scary as it might be, had she just stopped herself from acting on her thoughts, nobody would know that this creature was lurking amongst us. The only positive is that she went about it all in such a stupid way that she got caught and is going to be away from the rest of us all for a very long time.

Crazy bitch tip: When considering potential decisions, always give preference to options that do not involve murder. Please?

If you want to get a good night’s sleep you, probably best not think about the fact that there are people out there deciding that it’s better to have their husband murdered outside of the family home because, y’know, they don’t want to frighten off the friend they want to move in with them after the hit. omfg indeed.

 

UPDATE!

I’ve just found a video of the same woman speaking to the judge at her sentencing. Check it out…

The little smiles that slip through onto her face between the crocodile tears and puppy dog eyes terrified me but what terrified me more was the fact that her husband also plead for leniency from the judge on her behalf.

A tip for the guys: If your wife makes efforts towards having you killed, stay away from her and don’t listen to her lies.

Holy mother of crap are there some impressively crazy people out in the world.

No confusion here

19 Mar

Some of the traits that identify someone as a crazy bitch are subtle. Some require a level of attention to detail to help you catch on. Other traits, however, are far less subtle. This brings us to the subject for today…

Giovanna Plowman eats her own bloody tampon.

That video is so gross that I chose not to show it directly on this page. It’s revolting. The title sums it up accurately but I guess, if you have no imagination and you really, really want to lodge something that rainbow-yawn-inducing into your long term memory, you could follow that bad-boy link right into the land of NOPE. Just make sure to grab a bucket beforehand.

Clearly, being willing to eat your own tampon implies that the crazy bitch is strong with this one. Without doubt, she had a case of the CBs, but keep hope because it appears that even someone this far down the CB tunnel of terror can learn from her past experiences. Sure, she hasn’t learned to take the gum out of her before shooting videos but when you consider what was in her mouth in the previous video, gum is a pretty massive improvement. Here’s what she has to say about it after the internet exploded at her…

Crazy bitch tip: It’s good to learn from your mistakes but it’s far better to learn from the mistakes of those who’ve gone before you. Learn from Ms Lowman’s error in judgement and don’t go down in history as a batshit crazy bitch.

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