Tag Archives: photo

Public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation

31 Dec

Alrighty. I would have thought it would be obvious that public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation, but every once in a while I’ll stumble onto a picture like this one on Reddit:


and these sorts of images remind me of two things.

  1. Some people either don’t realise they should not masturbate on public transport, or they literally can’t help themselves from doing so.
  2. Some people aren’t aware that they don’t have to sit quietly beside someone as they furiously masturbate in public and ignore it like nothing’s happening.

So, for those of you who didn’t yet know this… you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! Now, onto those of you who know you’re not supposed to masturbate on public transport but you do it anyway, go see a doctor and tell them that. They will be able to lead you towards either a psychologist or a psychiatrist who will attempt to treat you for that, because seriously, you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! even if you really, really want to.

As for point 2, I would to make this very clear to everyone here and now… you do not have to politely ignore that someone is jerkin their gherkin beside you!! You can get up and walk away, or politely ask them to stop, or contact the driver/conductor etc, or call the police, or security or whoever, but you don’t have to just put up with it!!

To me, putting up with someone giving themselves a pants party in the seat beside you is only slightly less crazy than actually being the person who’s decided the 7:30 train home should take a detour through pleasure town. There are times when you’re completely within your rights to yell at a stranger and I’d rate having my seat-mate start spanking their monkey is definitely on the list. I mean, you can start with a polite clearing of the throat first and progressively work your way up to a full fledged scream if you don’t want to run the risk of accidentally verbally abusing someone who has had an unexpected attack of ants biting their genitalia, but I’d suspect those false alarms are the exception rather than the rule.

Crazy bitch tip: If you or someone else is crazy enough to start masturbating on public transport, please take plenty of photos so the police have a lot of evidence to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Additional information

Incidentally, this is far from the first post on How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch about how to act on public transport. In previous posts, we have outlined some basic rules of public transport, and attempted to articulate why behaviours such as screaming at people, swearing at and/or attacking other passengers, or wearing a mermaid gimp-suit is considered poor form while traveling in a shared environment with strangers.

Here are some examples from those other posts.


A woman dressed head to toe in latex with flippers for feat and no eye or mouth holes.

The “right” to like pictures

1 Jul

Crazy bitch tip: you don’t get to tell people whose pictures they’re allowed to like on Facebook.

That’s too much information #2: family shit

29 Apr Comparing their poo and sharing it with Facebook

Holy fuck. Who does this?

Comparing their poo and sharing it with FacebookSeriously? I can’t believe the following tip is necessary.

Crazy bitch tip: do not poo on a plate and compare your poo with that of your relatives and then share a phototgraph of it on Facebook (or any other social platform, or anything, anywhere).

If you absolutely have to compare your turds with your family, say for medical reasons, keep that shit to yourself!

Mirrors. Use them.

6 May

I’ve mentioned before that I know absolutely bugger all about fashion but that even I can spot a big ugly mess when I see it. You’d think the very fancy ms Donatella Versace would be well beyond me in this regard. I have photographic evidence to the contrary.

Ms Versace is kind of a big deal in the fashion world. She must be if I know her last name. I actually thought Versace was a dude but I guess that was her brother or something. Whatever, the name Versace means high-end fashion to me, so I expect to see the person behind the name is roaming around looking somewhat elegant and classy, like she did in 1996…

Ms Versace

Ms Versace

Granted, I’m not saying she looks stunning but she’s alright here. So what the hell happened to turn her from this dignified woman into whatever the hell this is?…


Donatella Versace nowadays.

Look, it’s Mick Jagger wearing a blonde wig!

“Ahhhhhh! What the hell is that!??”, I hear you squeal as you recoil from the collection of little glowing lights responsible for transmitting this unearthly image to you. Well, it used to be a human being that the upper crust of the fashion world revered. As for what it is now? All I know is it’s only 59 years old and I’m getting a mega strong Crazy Bitch vibe from it. I’m also slightly concerned that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards have finally melded into a single organism which is attempting avoid detection by donning some sort of yellow threaded head adornment.

Terrifyingly, it’s not just a one off bad photo, either.

He's thinking "Don't eat me!"

He’s thinking “Don’t eat me!”

Run, children. Save yourselves!

Run, children. Save yourselves!



I guess I’m sounding kinda bitchy myself here but tell me honestly, if you looked into the mirror and that thing was staring back at you, would you maybe think you’ve lost your way a little? Apparently not if you’re Donatella Versace, nope, she’s all like, “Yeah, I look good and not at all like the concoction of a child’s worst fears.” and off she goes to some fancy pants fashion thing where the snacks that aren’t being eaten cost more to manufacture than my car.

DV here is only 59. This is not how you retain your youth. Do not inflate your lips, dye your hair and throw on enough make-up to shift the gravitational balance of the Earth. Consider aging gracefully, y’know? Hell, you don’t even have to be graceful about it, just don’t turn your face into an eye-sore.

In my opinion here’s a much better example to follow…

Betty White Rocks!

Betty White Rocks!

Crazy bitch tip: You get one face. Take care of it.


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