Tag Archives: rene

Origins #22

17 Feb

Long time no origins speak, huh? If you have no idea what an Origins post is, check back to the previous one Origins #21, or try the Origins category for more details.

Anyway…

Despite waking up from an extremely confusing night with the boss’s daughter, which was supposed to help uncomplicate the fallout of the previous extremely confusing night with the boss’s daughter, but failed miserably to do so, I was somehow still feeling confident about my general situation.

A recap

To recap the situation I was somehow still feeling confident about:

maybe

I think that’s the guts of it up to this point.

Confident? WTF?

I don’t know. I don’t know why I was sure I could make it all work out fine, but I was.

I figured Rene would take a bit of time to chill out and when she had finally calmed down, we’d be able to talk it through properly, and if she was interested we could let things play out under the radar. If she was genuinely just not interested I figured she’d straight up say that and I’d just have to get over it. I’d had to deal with things like that enough times before that I knew it’d be fine.

I wasn’t too concerned about the fact that my software specialty, Flash was under attack. I thought Adobe would just start outputting to HTML5 and I’d be able to continue using the Flash IDE. If that sounds like rubbishy jargon talk, this is an attempt at a translation: I’ll keep designing buildings, the builders will just be using bricks instead of wood.

As for my new manager, he was incompetent and nobody who worked under him liked him. We’d all been there for years and he was terrible at his job, so I assumed it was only a matter of time until he was fired or, at the very least, taught how to do his job properly.

I wasn’t all that aware that I was on the verge of alcoholism at the time. I just thought I was letting off steam. I was aware it wasn’t the ideal behaviour but hey, I was dealing with a lot and I felt like it was reasonable to ease that with the odd drink(ing binge).

My boss, Tim Everlong was a good guy, he just didn’t realise that I had been trying to do right by his daughter. I understood his reaction but I was sure he’d see how respectfully I was treating her and recognise that I wasn’t using her for a night of bedtime antics while he was away, that I had been completely respectful of her and of him, and that I was still the good guy he’d known me to be before.

My car didn’t need heaps of work to get it back on the road and I had a friend who had been chomping at the bit to help me convert it into a faster, more fun car, so we’d get onto that and get her back on the road swiftly for sure!

So, really, what was there to worry about? Nothing! Right? …right?

No seriously, I was still confident things would work out

I get that it sounds ridiculous, but I had always tended towards being a confident person.

It’s not like I don’t get scared or that I don’t have insecurities, of course I do, but I’d proven to myself time and time again that I can resolve complicated and difficult situations. I’d learned that the trick was to talk the problems out with whoever was involved, figure out a way to resolve the situation, and bam! problem solved! No awkwardness, no drama, no confusion. Easy peasy!

confident

Another thing on my side with remaining confident was the fact that I always had this little fire inside me that says “It’ll be alright”, and up until this point, that little fire had always been right, so why would I doubt it now?

Enough catch-up, on with the story

I arrived at my place of work, Everlong, ready to face the day. I always got in early. I was usually the first one in so I’d use my key to open up, turn off the alarm and that’s exactly what happened this particular day.

My primary objective was to load up on caffeine to help overcome my lack of sleep, because I knew it was gonna be a long day. I grabbed my daily coke zero from the vending machine (because y’know, it’s got no sugar, so it’s totally healthy) and periodically poured its blackish goop into my face as the morning crawled onward.

Colleagues arrived at the office one by one. The office slowly filled with people. They hadn’t forgotten that Rene had spent the night at my place less than a week ago, and were relishing the opportunity to fire jokes about that at every opportunity, but none of them knew what I was really going through and I’d been sworn to secrecy so I couldn’t tell them anything.

No one had the slightest clue that I was currently trying to will my exhausted body and mind through another day of work after having spent the night alone with Rene again, this time to try make some sense out of what had happened between us and what that meant for the future.

Time for that meeting you didn’t know you were attending

It must have been around a five to nine when someone asked if I had everything I needed for the 9 O’clock meeting. The meeting was news to me.

what

I checked my calendar and saw no meetings listed. I asked around to make sure I was supposed to be going. Everyone agreed I was required, so I asked what it was about.

We were meeting with a local organisation that helps young men in need. Funny, I thought to myself, Rene’s been working with that organisation lately. My heart pounded until I realised Rene would have mentioned that she’d be coming in. No big deal then, I just had to get through a random meeting with no idea what it was for, what my role was, or with whom I’d specifically be meeting. Nothing new. Off we go.

Dun dun dunnnn

Someone said “Quick, they’re here”, so I jumped up from my desk, grabbed my notepad and pen and started walking to the office door being held open for me by my colleague. Having grabbed my stuff  in a hurry, I’d been clumsy and didn’t have a good grip. The pen had somehow ended up sitting between my right middle and ring fingers and the tip was pushing into my palm. I was trying to sort that out when I looked up to see… RENE! dunn dunn dunnnnn!!!!!

dun dun dun

I was really surprised. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. So there I was with my pen folded into my palm, my big notebook in my left hand making it useless to help untangle the other, and my boss’s daughter staring at me as I came through the office door.

No doubt I looked very surprised. My colleague noticed and thought it would be funny to pretend to introduce me to Rene. How fucking hilarious. huh

Rene played along and put her hand out for a handshake. Trying to avoid the awkwardness of explaining that my pen was lodged in my hand, I pushed my hand forward and gripped Rene’s fingers with my fingertips in an impressively awkward effort and somehow managed to drive the tip of my pen through the skin of my palm. Rene looked at me quizzically as I flinched. I mumbled the phrase “Nice to meet you” through gritted teeth and we wandered into the meeting room.

The meeting

I couldn’t tell you a single thing about what that meeting was about. A website, maybe? I spent the entire time trying not to let on that I was feeling super awkward. I wanted to look at Rene, but I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want to ignore her either, but I didn’t want to direct all my conversation towards her. I wanted everything to be fine, and for the meeting to end as soon as possible. I swear it lasted a month.

I’d catch Rene looking at me when we were all supposed to be looking at the projection screen, only for her to look away as soon as noticed. Then I’d be looking at her trying to figure out if she had actually been looking at me, and then she’d look up and I’d instinctively look away. I tried to act super relaxed, putting my hands behind my head and leaning back. Rene leaned her head on her hand in a “I’m totally relaxed about this situation too” maneuver. It was  ridiculous. We were in some shitty sit-com playing out all the hacky tropes of an awkward encounter.

Rene’s colleague apologized that he had to leave early. That left Rene, my colleague, and me. Rene and I started cracking little smiles at each other and my colleague yammered on, completely unaware of the weird little scene he was taking part in. My colleague eventually ran out of things to say and got up to leave.

I don’t remember exactly how Rene and I finished up that little surprise interaction but I do remember calling her out on not mentioning that she’d be at my office that day. “I thought it was next week”, she laughed.

After the meeting

People had already been giving me shit about Rene having spent the night at my place, but this new encounter had sparked everyone’s creative comedic juices and I had a slew of new emails full of mockery when I got back to my desk. Yay. Smile and nod.

rolly

At least the emails were silent and ignorable, unlike the generous helping of cheeky remarks thrown my way. You’d have thought it was a competition the way everyone was carrying on.

And yet, still confident

Even with all that silliness going on, the surprise meeting, everyone making jokes around the office, and everything else I was dealing with, I was still confident it would work out. I was in the right. I’d done the right thing the whole way through, so I was sure that “She’ll be right”, as we say in Australia.

 

Next time

The awkwardness is only just beginning. Come back and revel as I squirm at the hands of crazy bitches and massive douches.

Origins #21

15 Jul

After a very confusing night out with Rene in which she broke up with me but then conceded that it still seemed like we were going to get together. It had all built up to the moment that, while I sat in the passenger seat of her car on the way back, I was leaning in to kiss Rene.

So how did that turn out?

not-particularly-well

Know what I mean?

Rene leaned away and out of reach. Imagine Neo in the matrix but instead of bullets, he’s dodging kisses from guys, and instead of Neo, it’s my boss’s daughter.

dodge

Ahh! It’s the affection I was crying about not getting the other night!

She looked at me like she understood why I was going for it, but also like it was a bad call, which of course it absolutely was.

miley-awkward

Sooo… that just happened.

For me, it was a case of not leaving anything on the table. I wasn’t especially offended or upset that Rene had avoided my kiss. I had to have a crack at it, so I did, and it didn’t go my way. I was disappointed but at least I tried and I wouldn’t be left wondering what might have happened.

I was still very, very confused because Rene seemed to be saying one thing and meaning another and there appeared to be a serious disconnect between what she was saying she wanted and what she seemed to actually want, but I tried to kiss her and she pulled away, so I had to take that as a “No.”

I looked at Rene, my face full of confusion and disappointment. I understood that she didn’t want to kiss me right then, but not why she’d been so full-steam-ahead the other night and even admitted that it felt like we were going to get together only minutes before, and was still stopping anything happening between us.

Rene looked at me with an understanding, almost apologetic look and said, simply:

You can’t always get what you want.

That statement didn’t help much but, more confused than ever, I deflated back into that luxurious leather seat in my boss’s daughter’s BMW and an old Rolling Stones song rang out at full volume inside my head without disturbing the silence between Rene and I.

The traffic light gods saw my dilemma and kindly changed the light from red to green seconds later. I’d had enough of looking at Rene for the night. I directed my gaze at the massive tent which had housed the Powderfinger concert earlier in the night. I tried to read between the many and varied messages I thought I was getting, hoping to find something that felt like the truth.

Home again

The short trip back from the Bell Tower to my place has erased itself from my memory. I assume I stared out the passenger window and said nothing aside from offering the necessary directions. I don’t remember how we said goodbye but obviously no kissing was involved.

lights-fadeI do remember thinking that the whole night would have been a lot simpler if Rene had just come round to my place in the first place. That thought scratched its way through my head as I watched her BWM dissolve into the feint, red glow of  tail lights, and dissipate into the darkness.

Cringe City, here I come

After climbing the 5 flights of stairs to my apartment I kicked off my shoes and fell onto my bed. I was very, very confused. I know this will sound ridiculous, but I felt like Rene’s efforts to decline had all been what she thought she had to do, not what she wanted to do. Unfortunately however, there was enough conflicting evidence that I couldn’t get a solid read on the situation one way or the other.ross-cringe

And that’s when I started to set up shop in Cringe City. See, something I had previously been unfamiliar with started to happen. I started to do things which didn’t make good sense. My emotions told me to do something and, unlike my normal protocol of logically evaluating the outcome of my behaviour before acting, I caught myself actually doing the thing my emotions told me to do.

In that particular moment, my emotions were telling me to send Rene the following sms:

I think that moment in front of the bell tower really summed things up.

megacringe It’s very tough for me to accept it now that I’m looking back, but I didn’t just feel like sending that message, I actually sent it!

I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

I had to try to kiss you and you had to back out of it. Sums the whole thing up.

I didn’t even mean to send the first message. It happened outside of my control. I sure as hell didn’t expect a response because Rene would still have been driving home. I know that, at the time, I was trying to close out the situation and make sure we were on the same page ahead of running into Rene at the next work function, but I can’t even articulate  how intensely I’m cringing at the thought of sending that follow up message.

cringeI knew it was a ridiculous thing to do, even then, but my emotions had taken control of my fingers. I waited for Rene’s response. Y’know, the one that would explicitly confirm or deny my understanding of what the hell she’d been trying to get across to me throughout the night?

Now we play the waiting game

timeThe minute number on my phone changed from 9:48 to 9:49.

9:49 became 9:50.

9:50 became 9:51.

The screen on my iPhone 3G switched itself off.

“She’s driving, she probably doesn’t have the time to reply properly.” I supposed. “No point staring at your phone waiting around for her”

I switched my phone to silent and put it face down on my bedside table. I showered, brushed my teeth, and everything else I could remotely think to do before going to bed for the night. Eventually, all options exhausted, I turned off the light and returned to my empty, queen sized bed.

I didn’t want to check my phone but the near hour I’d spent trying to distract myself hadn’t worked very well.

I picked it up. Flipped it over. Pressed the home button. The screen lit up the room.

10:39

0 newThere was no new message. There was no missed call. There was no new email. Nothing.

“Maybe she’s been caught up in traffic on the way home. Best not to worry about it until the morning.” I told myself. I put my phone back, face-down on the bedside table.

I pulled my eyelids down and commenced the process of attempting to initiate sleep. You’d assume successfully doing something over 11,000 times would ensure your future success at will without even the slightest issue. The task of falling asleep, however, appears not to become any easier regardless of extensive previous practice.

Just go to fucking sleep already!

I tried everything I could to encourage the sandman to visit me. I did everything I could not to look at my phone. I failed on both counts.

“Maybe I missed it…”
1:27

0 new“I nodded off there for a bit, probably nearly time to get ready for work.”
1:39

0 new
“This is fucked.”

thinking-no-slee “Go to sleep already.”stimpy-nosleep“For fuck’s sake, just go to sleep”
1:54
“It’s nearly two in the morning ya fucking idiot, just go to fucking sleep.”

0 new“This is the worst pillow that has ever been made.”

pillow rage“I was wrong. THIS pillow is the worst pillow that has ever been made!”

pillow-fight2:02
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK”
“I nodded off there for a bit, probably nearly time to get ready for work.”
2:11

0 new“Is that a spider?”

0 new“Maybe she smacked my arse like a coach does to a player, like ‘Good job’. Don’t think about that shit. Just go to sleep.”
sleep-deprivation“Fuck my phone is bright.”

0 new“Of course there’s no new message. She’s asleep you idiot. Stop thinking about it.”
2:41
“I’m really tired now. Better stop thinking about it and get some sleep.”

0 new“‘I had to try to kiss you and you had to back out of it. Sums the whole thing up.’, that’s not so crazy. That’s what happened. Sure I shouldn’t have sent that but it’s not offensive or anything. It’s not like I could get fired over that. Or could I?…”can't sleep3:21
“SERIOUSLY??????? HOW AM I NOT ASLEEP YET???????!?!??!!??!?!!?!?!?”
3:39

insomnia

BRIIIIINGGGGG BRRIIIIIIIIIINGGGGG

“What the fuck is that noise!? Where am I? Who am I? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING NOISE!!!!?!?!?!?!?!”I smashed my hand in the direction of the intrusive screaming noise. It was my phone.

“Oh yeah, I’m a human in my bed and was enjoying a magnificently deep sleep there until this mother fucking noise ruined it by waking me up.”

6:00

It was my alarm. Past me had set it to wake me up with plenty of time to prepare for another day at my awesome new job. Past me was a fucking moron.

6amPast me was so fucking stupid that he actually thought the “old phone” ringtone was a good choice for a sound to wake up to! Didn’t he know I’d had maybe 2 hours of sleep? Who the fuck did he think he was to wake me up?

As moronic as past me had been, present-time me was just as ridiculous, if not worse.

“Oh wait, any new messages?”

6:01

0 newMy phone was as devoid of messages as it had been all night.

“That message wasn’t even a question. Why would she reply to something that wasn’t a question? I was being silly to expect a response”

“You know what? She’ll come round. She’ll figure out whatever it is that’s so complicated, get over whatever bullshit she’s going through, and she’ll eventually come round.”

“Until she does, I’m just gonna focus on doing what I can for myself. First step, focus on my fitness.”

I got onto my bench press and worked out so hard my arms would ache for days, then showered up and headed off for work feeling good about myself.

I was confident that Rene was still interested. In spite of what she’d said, there’d been so much of a vibe telling me that she was, plus she’d literally agreed that we’d still get together. I was just gonna let her come back to me when she was ready and make sure that I was looking and feeling good when she did.

Yeah, that’s right

Yes, somehow, despite everything I was dealing with and how unbelievably confused and stressed out I was, even my lack of sleep couldn’t dampen my spirits. I was, for reasons that elude me today, feeling great that morning.

good timesI think back now and wonder “how that’s possible?” I’d just been smacked from pillar to post through a huge range of emotions and yet there I was, feeling good. Feeling confident! How the hell I managed that, I couldn’t tell you.

What I can tell you is that it wouldn’t last forever.

Next time…

Those emotion things start to rise up and the confusion starts getting the best of me.

Origins #19

10 Jul

My boss’s daughter had just complimented me on my forthrightness in warning her that I might burp while we discuss the fallout of us hooking up.

Here we go!

As much as I was worried about burping midway through, and that I had potentially risked my job by getting together with Rene, I was relieved that I was going to find out what was actually going through her head.

I can’t remember word for word, of course, but as best I can remember, the conversation started something like:

I know we’re supposed to talk but I don’t know where to start…

That’s ok, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just tell me what’s on your mind and we’ll go from there.

I struggle with things like this. I get choked up.

Rene struggled to get that last phrase out. She quivered as she pushed the words out it and her eyes were welling up. I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

It’s ok, Rene. We’re just talking. Everything’s alright.

I know, but, I just… I always fuck everything up.

You can’t fuck this up. Please don’t worry about that. Just tell me what’s stressing you out about it.

It’s all so complicated, y’know? I’ve been going through a really hard time lately. I just don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like everything I do is wrong. I don’t think I’m in a good headspace to start something serious. I feel like I have to be selfish right now to get myself back together.

What do you want out of this?

I dunno, I’m not really after anything serious. I just want to hang out with you and see what happens.

but, like, do you want a relationship?

I want to make it clear what I was thinking here, because I think it matters to the story. To me, a relationship in that context meant, do I want to spend time with Rene without seeing anyone else at the same time, and the answer to that was “yes”, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to jump into anything serious. I was thinking we’d take it really cruisy and under cover, and see how things play out. Anyway, I replied…

Yeah. I mean, I wanna get to know you.

Rene was looking at me with an expression equal parts agony and joy.

I’m going through so much right now. I’ve got nothing left to give.

I didn’t think I was asking her to give me anything, so I was a bit confused, but she seemed to be struggling so much to get it all out that I didn’t want to press her on it.

If you didn’t work for my Dad, that’d be different but… and I’m still trying to get over… I don’t know how… it’s too much. It’s so complicated.

What the hell is so bloody complicated?

I wanted to know what was so complicated. I wanted to know what else was going on. I wanted to point out that I was the one who’d have to worry about her father’s reaction, not her. But I didn’t. I chose not to because Rene was struggling so badly to get the words out and it felt cruel to attempt to pry more information out of her.

I’m not after anything serious. I just want to get to know you better because I only ever see you at work things. I normally would have let it go when you sent that message through the other day, but I’m into you and it’s really rare for me to get feelings for someone, so I’m going out on a limb here. I think it’s worth trying.

You know I was with my ex for years right?

Yeah.

I’m more attracted to you than I ever was to her.

Rene’s eyes went a little extra wide at hearing that. I was trying to make it clear that I was genuinely interested in her. In hindsight I guess that was a pretty intense thing to say, especially considering how stressed out Rene seemed to be.

We can keep it casual. It doesn’t have to be super serious, I just don’t want to not even try. We can just hang out and have some fun together. Nobody needs to know, we can keep it quiet, we don’t even have to go out in public. We can just enjoy ourselves and figure it out from there.

Do you mean like, a purely physical thing? Just sex?

Friends with benefits?

I was pretty confused at how or why Rene had gotten the impression I just wanted a friends with benefits style relationship with her from what I said. I thought it was obvious that I meant I wanted to spend time getting to know each other properly before getting into anything serious, but I guess I worded it poorly and she’d gotten the completely wrong idea.

No, I mean pretty much the exact opposite.

I meant that I want to spend time with you without getting up to anything sexual for now, see how we get along and keep it as chilled out as we can until we know where we’re at.

Oh… Um… OK… But I thought…

Rene seemed taken off guard. Genuinely surprised by my response.

I don’t know what she was thinking but I was really astounded she didn’t realise that was the only option I could realistically suggest. It was the only way I could go out with Rene behind her father (my boss’s) back, without being horrendously disrespectful. I figured people might find out that we were hanging out and that the only way I could get away without getting fired if it got back to Tim Everlong was for it to be obvious that I wasn’t just using his daughter for sex, and was instead treating his daughter with the utmost respect.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Rene contemplated that out loud while looking at the ground. She looked extremely confused and I wanted to lean over and kiss her right there and then. It felt like an identical situation to when she was sitting on my couch and I’d kissed her for the first time.

I started to lean towards Rene but felt my belly grumble. I’d forgotten about that burp that had been trying to force its way up. The thought of belching into Rene’s mouth mid kiss-dive was more than enough for me to immediately give up on the idea.

I rebalanced myself on the grass sitting there as that huge moon dispersed reflected light into the Indian Ocean and considered the ridiculousness of my circumstances. There was really very little to do but ask.

Rene, are we gonna hang out?

Rene looked me in the eyes. Her lower lip quivered. Her eyes closed for a few seconds. Her head dropped a little and she looked back up at me.

No.

I won’t pretend that didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a big surprise. I was prepared for it but it was still somewhat deflating. I didn’t reply. I looked down away from Rene’s eyes, redirecting my eyes out over the ocean. I caught myself biting my lower lip and had a brief moment of “Holy shit, I might actually cry.”

Instead of crying I took in a deep breath and let out a long, slow sigh and looked back into Rene’s eyes.

It’s… It’s not you… It’s me, y’know?

I couldn’t believe she’d actually used that line. George Costanza came to mind immediately.

I was offended to hear it but I ignored it, figuring it must be a tough spot to be in and finding the right words would be difficult.

It’s such bad timing and I just don’t think I could be in a relationship right now.

It’s alright.

Life’s not like the movies

Rene was on the verge of tears at this point. It wasn’t an easy moment for me either but I’d switched into stoic, unimpressed mode.

It’s just not the right time… it’s just… life’s not like the movies.

I remember that statement very well, “Life’s not like the movies.” Even in that moment I wondered what possessed her to utter such a loaded statement.

I could. If I wanted to. If I really wanted to I would. I’d go for it if I really wanted to.

At this point it seemed like Rene wasn’t even talking to me anymore. I felt like I was a bystander while she was having an internal dialogue that was leaking out through her mouth. It felt like I shouldn’t be hearing those words, so I leaned over and put my hand on her shoulder.

It’s ok, Rene. I get it.

But I would. If I wanted to. Just not now. It’s the wrong time.

Rene pushed those words out between the tight gasps of breath of someone who is crying, even though her eyelashes were barely wet. Then she said something that seemed out of nowhere…

I don’t want to fuck this up.

It looked like she was about to break but was doing everything she could to hold it back. I was confused by the somewhat mixed sentiments I was hearing, but the overall vibe was that, regardless of whatever the reason was, we weren’t going to be hanging out.

I didn’t want to drag that moment on any longer.

I get it.

I squeezed Rene’s shoulder in an effort to communicate the sentiment physically. I felt her relax a little and watched her come back from the verge of tears as my words registered in her head.

I’d had a go and it didn’t pan out in my favour. I could deal with that. Like I said, I’d been prepared for that outcome and I intended to simply take it as a compliment that someone as impressive as Rene had been attracted to me at all.

She might as well have spat in my face

The tension seemed to disappear as Rene came back to being in control of her breathing. Then she said the worst thing she could have possibly said to me at that point in time…

Can we be friends?

She might as well have spat in my face.

Listen, I can handle someone not being interested in me, and I can handle someone not knowing how to tell me that but we all know that when someone says “can we be friends” they’re effectively saying “You are of no reproductive value but I will allow you to be near me in exchange for compliments and putting up with me whine about other guys”

Inside my head, little explosions started going off. Thoughts started burning through my brain at light speed, “Did she really just say ‘Can we be friends?’ That is so disgustingly and disrespectfully cliche. Go fuck yourself, Rene”

Those thoughts erupted inside my head but that’s where I kept them. I had to remind myself that while the situation was difficult for me, it was also difficult for Rene, and even though I have heard those words too many times in the past, Rene’s not to know that and it’s not her fault that she happened to say them.

I calmed myself down, tried to undo the scowl that had taken over my face. I shook my head while I said, simply:

No thanks.

I think I’d gotten the scowl off my face but I couldn’t get rid of the “are you fucking serious” eyebrow raise. Rene was obviously confused by my reaction. The way she looked back at me, you’d think I’d just told her “catfish dinosaur constellation is made of bat semen in the chocolate olfactory hereditary cardinal zeitgeist with goats milk.” or something.

But… wh… why not?

I don’t want to be friends, Rene. I’m not into it. I’m never going to be the guy that you talk with about other guys. That’s not me. I’m not that guy.

I would never do that to you!

I appreciate that, but we’re never going to be friends.

Oh… uhh… ok.. I guess.

In fairness, maybe Rene genuinely wanted to be friends but I spent far too much time in the friendzone as a teenager and I have since flat-out refused to be put there. That might not be very mature, nor an especially nice way to accept what is theoretically a nice offer, but Fuuuuuuuuckkkkk thattttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t be a good friend to someone you’re interested in anyway. It’s shitty scenario and I refuse to be a part of it.

I wasn’t rude in the way I responded to Rene about it, I was just straight forward. I didn’t say it in an aggressive or harsh way, I just told her in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t be friends. As surprised as she was, she seemed to understand where I was coming from.

That’s that

At that point I figured we’d done all the talking we were going to do on the topic and figured it was better to get was no doubt going to be a stupidly awkward drive home over with.

I suggested that we’ve talked about what we came to talk about and that I had to be up for work, so we should head back. Rene, who seemed confused at my reactions in general, agreed with a nod despite her face still being stuck in “I’m not quite sure what just happened here” mode.

As we walked back to Rene’s car, I noticed she had a goofy smile on her face. She wasn’t saying anything but she was very clearly a long way from the near tear outburst of a few minutes before.

What the fuck was that?

As we arrived at Rene’s car I felt something hit my arse. Rene had just given me a smack on the bum!! She was giggling about it as she tried to scamper around the car to the driver’s side.

I had no idea what in the name of almighty fuck was going on. Why the fuck would someone who just broke up with me and tried to friend zone me smack me on the arse? I had no clue but a smack on the arse is a pretty suggestive thing so I grabbed Rene and pushed her down onto the bonnet of her car.

She giggled the whole time. She squirmed and wriggled and was clearly thoroughly enjoying the fact that I was holding her in place. Fortunately, the walk back to the car had jiggled that mega-burp I’d be dealing with around enough that I’d forgotten about it, and now, with Rene pinned down to the bonnet of her car, giggling after smacking my arse, I was free to go in for the kiss.

I leaned in to kiss her and she giggled and squirmed away. I tried again and she giggled even more but again squirmed out of the way. As I was in close to her face but not lined up correctly to kiss her, Rene said…

Don’t make this hard.

I was utterly confused and, not knowing exactly what to do, I tried again to kiss her.

Please don’t make this any harder.

I decided that was enough trying for me. I let Rene up and saw her face was flush and a huge smile across her face. I was confused as all shit. That last bit completely changed how I’d understood the conversation. I thought she’d just broken up with me using generic, lame, bullshit cliches.

We both got into Rene’s fancy little BMW and, still giggling, Rene began driving us back.

Next time

The ridiculous night continues and my brain becomes the equivalent of a grey matter pretzel…

Origins #18

1 Jul

I was in Rene’s car and we were heading South, out of the gridlocked city. Traffic was slow exiting the city as well and that left us with plenty of awkward silences as Rene concentrated on weaving her way through the swathe of brake lights towards South Perth.

lights blurI mentioned that I would have preferred to meet up in South Perth anyway because I could have walked there. Rene pointed out that she thought it was too close to my place, and was worried that people would see us. I pointed out the irony of that concept considering we’d just driven out of the most populous area in the state on one of the busiest days of the year and that I’d run into some mates on the way through.

South Perth?

The view of Perth from South Perth

The view of Perth from South Perth

We got to South Perth but there was no parking available anywhere. One thing I remember specifically about the few laps we did of South Perth while Rene hunted for parking was Rene droving straight through a crosswalk without waiting for the pedestrians to cross. It stood out to me because I always try to let people cross, even when it’s not a proper crosswalk. It’s 10 seconds out of my day, and I can spare 10 seconds to make the day easier on someone. I mean, there’s a law that says you have to let the people cross, too, but I’m big on courtesy regardless. I remember distinctly making a mental note on it and thinking that it was one of those things to look out for, like your date being rude to the waiter.

There was nowhere to park. I suggested going to my place but Rene was under the impression that someone would see her car there. I was a little worried about running into someone we knew but I hadn’t assumed people were spying on my property. It seemed a bit overboard to me but I was more concerned with the conversation than the location, so I shut up and let Rene decide our new destination.

Driving aimlessly?

Rene hadn’t decided where we were going yet, she just aimed south down the freeway. While Rene drove I relayed the story of her father leaving the entire office laughing at me by making it clear he knew we’d spent the night together. Rene laughed whole heartily at my re-enactment and, to my concern, dropped her head nearly all the way into her lap as she did so.

We trekked through various suburbs I had barely heard of and Rene knew well enough to take short-cuts through. Rene became fixated on showing me where a friend of hers lived. We did several laps of streets I didn’t care about looking for a house I wasn’t interested in seeing.

night-drivingThis area was very different to the government housing I’d grown up in. The suburb alone was enough to make me uncomfortable. The beautiful, ornate, double-story homes looked like the set of a TV show about imaginary rich people to me. I guess I knew those houses must exist but it had never occurred to me that I might know someone who lived in one.

Eventually Rene satisfied herself that she’d found the home she was looking for, or at least she was pretty sure. I told her it looked nice and smiled politely. We sat in awkward silence until Rene exclaimed, “We should go get a drink”, with the same enthusiasm most would reserve for announcing the discovery of 20kg of gold.

A drink

As we drove towards wherever Rene planned for us to get that drink, I noticed again that she wasn’t especially good at staying focused on the road or obeying the road rules. Nothing too terrible mind you, but it was enough that it triggered me to think how extremely awkward it would be if Rene had an accident bad enough that her car wouldn’t get her home. “Someone would have to pick us up and it’d look super suspicious that I was with her after spending the night with her”, I thought to myself.

scary driving

Despite my concerns, we made it safely to the bar just outside of Fremantle. I tried to pay but Rene fought me over it and grabbed us some fancy beers before we sat down in the seat Rene had carefully identified as the least visible to other people.

We chatted and laughed and were having so much fun that I had to remind myself that we weren’t on a date. I was even doing all those stupid things you do on a first date, like looking Rene in the eyes and noticing that they seemed to be a little crossed, and then enough time trying figure out if they were slightly crossed, or she was sitting so close to me that her eyes had to cross a little to look straight at me.

Rene seemed to be enjoying things as much as I was but was clearly worried that we might be seen. She kept asking if I thought anyone had seen us on the way there, or if I recognised anyone at the bar. I wasn’t worried about that. I was distracted by wanting to touch her. I remember leaning forward, realising it wasn’t a date, and returning my hand to my side of the table.

So hot. Want to touch.For all her concern over being seen, Rene was being plenty flirtatious and playful just the same. I don’t know exactly what we talked about but it sure wasn’t if we’d see each other or not. I only remember bits and pieces, like talking about the bands I’ve played in, and learning that Rene had played bass for a short period of time. I remember Rene trying to tell me about a particular French phrase she learned during her time there and that she said the phrase in an unadulterated Australian accent, which of course I teased her about. I would have teased her if she’d said it in perfect French too, because it we were having a good time talking pointless shit.

Despite all the bullshit leading up to it, we were having fun. It was like all the other crap was forgotten and we were just two people attracted to each other having a good time. It was exactly how I’d imagined things would be if we were to go out in the future. A bit of fun, under the radar. And it felt easy. It felt right to me.

A burger

With our bottles emptied, it was time to eat. We ordered take away from the gourmet burger joint next to the bar we’d been at because Rene wanted to eat them somewhere more private. We loaded into her car and drove onwards while the heat radiating from our burgers steamed up the windows and I complained that she again had refused to even let me pay for my own burger.

15 minutes later Rene found her way to the beach she had in mind. We parked up and wandered a few minutes down to a nice spot. We sat with our legs dangling off a cliff wall overlooking the sands the beach, barely illuminated as the moon hung low and bright, as the Indian ocean swallowed it in her waves.

The burgers were huge. Seriously, they were massive! And mine was damned good. It was so good that I forgot the complexities of the evening as my taste buds pumped happy chemicals into my brain informing me of the magnificent mixture of pineapple and chicken and bacon and fancy sauces and whatever else was in that glorious burger.homer burgerNext thing I knew my burger was gone and my belly was aching from being overly full. I had chosen poorly. I had demolished that burger and had been so fixated on how good it tasted that I’d not considered the potential outcome of forcing something the size of my head into my stomach in a very short period of time.

Burger. Gone.I was bursting at the seams and could tell that my rapid eating had triggered a burp so epic that there was every chance the Bureau of Meteorology would have to name it after it triggered a local cyclone.

In addition to this, there seemed to be half a burger on my face and between my teeth and a distinct lack of napkins or beverages to help resolve this less than ideal state.

Seriously? Right now?

Can't talk. Eating.

As luck would have it, that exact moment, as I sat there with a burp that threatens to blow my burger covered face off, was when Rene had finally plucked up the courage to initiate our ‘talk’.

So I guess we should talk about what we’re supposed to be talking about?

Yeah… Let’s do that… But… just so you know, I get that this is serious and probably not easy for you, but I ate that burger way too fast so it’s possible I’m going to burp in the middle of this conversation, and I’m really, really sorry if that happens.

After I said that, Rene got a huge smile on her face and did one of those little laughs that only shows up as quiet exhales through your nose and said:

You know, that’s one of the things I really like about you. You do and say whatever you want, whenever you want. It’s really refreshing.

Next time

That’s enough for now. Next time I’ll tell you how our talk went.

Origins #17

30 Jun

I’d sent through an sms to Rene suggesting that we talk about things in person rather than by text and was waiting for her response.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait very long for a reply on that occasion. Rene replied within a few minutes. She said something like:

Yes. Let’s talk about it in person. I know you’re without a car at the moment, so how about we meet up in the city and talk it out over a coffee.

Sure, going to the city seemed weird considering Rene clearly knew I didn’t have a car and it would be just as easy for her to drive to my place or meet at a cafe nearby, but all things considered, I thought that was a decent outcome. We weren’t making it a huge deal, we were just going to talk it over and figure it out from there, plus, we’d be hanging out, so that was a win too.

On the flip-side, we were organizing a very, very strange first date.

awkward dateThat all happened Tuesday afternoon and we planned to meet up in the city at 7pm Wednesday for our chat.

Can you keep a secret?

If you recall, Rene made me promise not to tell anyone what we’d gotten up to. I had kept my promise. That meant that all of this was being done without anyone else knowing what was going on, or at least not on my side, I have no idea who Rene told or didn’t tell.

If I wasn’t sworn to secrecy I’d have found someone to talk to about how to handle the night ahead, but that wasn’t an option, so, I instead spent a lot of that Wednesday trying to not think about the situation. That was a challenge.

Trying not to overthink it and trying not to ignore it completely. Trying to come up with ways to give Rene an easy out if she really wasn’t into it and trying to come up with ways to figure out if she was just scared. Trying to figure out how to proceed given the two potential outcomes. All while trying not to think about it and trying to ignore the ridiculous workload I was dealing with at the time considering I was at work, y’know, at the company her father owned. A challenge indeed.

Honestly?

I don’t remember the exchange too well, but I know that between me finishing work and the time Rene and I were meant to meet, we had an sms back-and-forth which makes me cringe pretty severely.

I guess we were discussing exactly where to meet and somehow got onto other things. I know that I was trying to give Rene an easy out in case she was freaking out. The part of the conversation that I do remember and still makes me cringe, went something like this.

Don’t stress too much about tonight, I always thought you were way out of my league anyway.

I think that whole leagues thing is B.S.

Easy for you to say, you’re playing in the majors 😉

I mean, who does that, honestly?

honestlyYes, I used a smiley. Yes, I was effectively telling her I thought she was too good for me and that I wasn’t confident that she should be interested in me. Yes, I was doing a piss-poor job of attempting to lighten the mood and make things easier on us both by trying to make a joke. Yes, I still cringe at the slightest thought of that exchange. Hopefully writing it down gets it out of my head forever, ’cause yeeeeesh I’d like to forget that one.

To the city!

The time had come to head to the city, and public transport was going to be a pain in the arse, so I got a cab. That poor cabbie, he had no idea what was coming when I got in. He asked me where I was off to and out poured the whole story about how I hooked up with my boss’s daughter and how she seemed to be buggin’ out and how my boss had already made it very clear he was pissed about the whole thing and blah blah blah! Poor bloke! Clearly trying to keep that secret was proving a challenge and this anonymous stranger who couldn’t escape was at my blurting mercy. Don’t feel too bad for him, there was so much traffic that the 5 minute drive lasted half an hour, so he got some good cash out of it and he had a good laugh about the situation with me, or at least I think he did, I’m not entirely sure he spoke English.

Anyway, I was now dropped off in the city and wandering towards a coffee shop I’d never heard of even though there are about a thousand coffee shops within a few steps of my place. I was still trying to find the place when my phone started to ring, of course it was Rene.

Rene tells me that she’s stuck in traffic and it looks like there’s no hope of her getting a parking spot. The best course of action, Rene had decided, was for me to meet up with her at the Bell Tower, where she’d pick me up and we’d head off somewhere else for our coffee.

Look, at this point I figured as long as we get to have the conversation we needed to have, that’s good enough. Where, when and how, didn’t matter a whole lot. Good thing too, because the traffic was so bad that I’d be waiting at least half an hour for Rene to even get to the Bell Tower.

To The Bell Tower!

No worries. The Bell Tower isn’t too hard to get to from the middle of the city, so off I headed towards it, but even that would prove to be eventful. For starters, the footpaths were as busy as the roads, which meant even walking was slow-going. It turns out that when the city you live in is blocked up like a drain full of hair, you tend to see people you know.

As I walked down the main street towards the Bell Tower I heard someone yelling out my name. I discovered that the origin of the noise was my mate Chico, who was half hanging out of a car sitting in the jam-packed main street. Chico called me over and asked if I was “going to the show?”

I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about so Chico kindly explained that Powderfinger, my favourite band, who were doing their farewell tour around Australia, had put on two extra shows due to overwhelming demand, and that was why he, and several thousand other people, were in the city that night.

I knew Powderfinger were playing Friday, because I was going to that show, but this Wednesday night show was news to me. Chico asked what I was doing in the city that night. I fell into an impressively stupified ‘Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’ and eventually explained that I couldn’t tell him. That, of course, only triggered more questions. I promised I’d explain at some point but that right now was not the time. He was still trying to get it out of me when the traffic finally started moving enough that he had to drive on.

But wait! That’s not all!

My phone starts to ring again. This time it’s my friend Becky. Becky had previously worked at Everlong, but had quit due to frustrations from having to work under Gus. Becky and I had gone out several times but it was always a weird “we’re not really going out” scenario because we worked at the same place, but since she’d quit we’d gotten a bit more familiar and would talk on the phone for ages and ages. There wasn’t anything particularly romantic between us at this point and we would talk to each other about all the details of our lives. For me, what was happening with Rene would be a prime conversation to have with her, but instead I had to pretend nothing was happening.

Becky naturally asked what I was up to and explained that it sounded like I was somewhere busy.

I was on the spot and had to come up with an explanation that made sense, so I told her I was down at the Chesterfield waiting for people to show up. How cunning, she wouldn’t even know I was in the city! It was genius! Except it wasn’t, because Becky proceeded to inform me that she was stuck in traffic in the middle of the city right near The Bell Tower.

So, now I’m busy on the phone with Becky, doing my best to not look like me, as I walk directly towards where I know she is. In the meantime, I have no idea how far away Rene is and I have to make sure she can recognise me if she’s there already. Rene of course can’t tell me where she is because she’s busy driving, Becky on the other hand has hands free and can talk as much as she wants… and I’m apparently only waiting for mates to show up at the Chesterfield, so I’ve obviously got time. I also can’t tell Becky that I’ve gotta get off the phone because people have arrived because anyone who would be meeting me at the Chesterfield would be someone Becky would know and she would always ask me to pass the phone to people she knew.

Man, I thought this would be bloody simple!

I don’t remember exactly how I made it to The Bell Tower without Becky seeing me. I seem to recall that she said something about having to focus on driving because her car was manual and that at least helped me get off the phone with her. Becky never had the best eye sight, so luckily enough, she didn’t spot me and I didn’t have to explain why I’d just flat out lied to her.

Finally

I finally made it to the Bell Tower parking area where I was supposed to wait for Rene. And there I waited. I don’t have a clue how long it took but it felt like an hour. Then in rolled Rene, in her fancy little BMW, looking somewhat flustered from the frustrations of traffic. I climbed into her car and off we went to continue one of the most confusing evenings of my life.

Next time…

Next time on how not to be a crazy bitch:

  • “Very smooth by the way”
  • Someone touches a bum
  • Someone nearly burps out a burger
  • Someone pulls a matrix-esque dodge
  • More mega cringey moments

Seeya then!

Origins #10

23 Feb

I’d just slid face first across my bed into my boss’s daughter’s boobs after trying very hard to behave myself. As I mentioned last time, I don’t want to go into too much detail about what we got up to, but I do have to tell you some things because they’re relevant to the story.

I should also also point out that I’m doing my best remember all this stuff accurately even thought it happened over 4 years ago. I’m confident that what I do remember is accurate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I muddle up the sequence of events of this particular night. I doubt I’d remember much of it at all if I hadn’t been forced to think about it so much, but we’ll get to that later and why I’d rather forget the whole damned thing. For now, we’ll carry on from me being in bed with my boss’s daughter.

A face-full

I dived across the bed and went face first into boobtown. Rene absolutely loved it and sounded ridiculously happy about what was happening. She was giggling and running her hands through my hair and down my back. There was no confusion here. Rene Everlong had 100% intentionally gotten me into bed with her and was loving the fact that her efforts were paying off. We kissed. We touched. Clothes were thrown asunder in the same way those pesky hamburger wrappers are furiously discarded by teenagers as they attack the grease laden nourishment they’ve hunted down in a munchies-driven, fast food binge.

That is to say, there was passion in the moment.

A real man

Somewhere in the mix Rene said, “It’s been so long since I’ve been with a real man.”

I guess the point of her telling me that was for Rene to let me know that she viewed me as a real man, whatever the fuck that means, but I also took it to mean that she separates men into two categories: ‘real men’, and the rest. About that same time, Rene also mentioned that she liked that I was biting her neck by saying something about ‘rough’ being good.

I’m telling you these things that I’d rather keep private because they’re important to the story. For example, I liked hearing that Rene enjoyed a bit of roughness because I’d been with a few girls who were into that and I’d learned how to deliver what they liked. In the process, I’d discovered that there’s a level of rough play that is actually fun. I wouldn’t have ventured into that territory myself, but by learning about it with girls who really liked it, I discovered that it’s just another way to play. I grew to enjoy it and when Rene brought it up, it suggested to me that she was uninhibited and fun, and I dig that.

It’s funny, even at the time, when Rene said that thing about a ‘real man’, it caught my ear. It’s just one of those things. I don’t like that women see men that way and quite frankly I didn’t know what the hell she expected of me as this mythical ‘real man’ figure. I’m just a guy. I can kill bugs, open tight jars, lift heavy things, use a drill, and all that shit but beyond that, I don’t know what the hell a ‘real man’ is supposed to be.

Am I just a piece of ass to you?

At some point in the frolicking, my attention was drawn to Rene’s derriere. Rene was blessed with not only boobs that can convince a wary man to dive across a room at them, but also a back end that would easily illicit the phrase ‘dat ass’ on loop if she were to find herself in the sort of territory where that’s common vernacular. Yes, Rene was a weapon of mass seduction and I was being demolished and loving every second of it.

I was midway through enjoying caressing this sculpture of femininity when I mentioned to Rene that I’d always thought she had a great ass. Rene’s eyes lit up when I told her that and she asked me when I noticed her. I told her she had my attention from the very first time I met her. I was flattering her but I wasn’t lying.

I had been attracted to Rene for a very long time and I was really stoked that we’d finally gotten past the bullshit of dancing around the topic and had finally admitted that we were attracted to each other. At least, I thought that was the end of the bullshit.

Out of nowhere, Rene starts crying again!

Between her tears I heard her say, “Am I just a piece of ass to you?”.

“What? Why would you ask me that?”, I replied.
“Tell me the truth. Am I just a piece of ass to you?”, Rene said again as she continued to cry.
“No. You’re not just a piece of ass to me. I don’t understand why you’d think that.”, I told her.
“Because you were saying such nice things about my body”, she replied as I tried to wipe away her tears.

I was so confused. Here I was after all this effort to not hook up with my boss’s daughter and she finally had me in bed with her after I’d made it clear (as far as I was concerned) that I was interested in her, and she’s crying about the fact that I find her physically attractive!

Up until this point I’d assumed that it was clear to Rene that I was interested in her. I thought our actions were speaking louder than words and that it was unnecessary for me to actually say that I was interested in her, but there I was again, with my boss’s daughter crying at me because she thought I wasn’t interested in her, and for bonus points, this time she’s almost completely naked in my bed.

I wasn’t really ready to tell her that I’d been interested in her for a long time. I wasn’t looking to let that cat out of the bag so early on. There were many reasons for that, one of them being common sense. Another major reason was that I felt like I’d be putting myself in a very vulnerable situation, and I don’t do vulnerable. I’ll explain why a bit later, but I had a decision to make. I could keep my feelings to myself and watch the girl I’d been interested in for a long time cry in my bed because she thought I was only interested in using her for sex, or I could own up to my feelings.

Vulnerability

One big thing I’d been forced to acknowledge about myself after breaking up with the girl I’d been with for 6 years was that I didn’t allow myself to genuinely feel emotions. That was a strategy I’d taken on in my youth as a way to help me make it through my… let’s go with unconventional… childhood. I essentially would just block any sort of emotion before it got in so it couldn’t do any damage to me, but after that break-up with my ex, I’d come to the conclusion that my efforts to block out all the bad stuff was also causing me to miss out on all the good stuff too.

I figured you can never be truly happy if you don’t allow yourself to feel things, and I’d been working on that since. It wasn’t easy for me. Honestly, it was scary as shit! But I’d decided that was what I had to do if I wanted to be happy, and that I had to do so when the opportunity arose.

To me, Rene crying because I hadn’t shown her any genuine emotion was a prime example of how badly I was hurting myself by not allowing myself to genuinely feel things. So right there in that moment, I decided I’d fight through all the parts of me that were telling me not to open up to her, and be honest with her.

I told Rene that I’d noticed her the first time I met her and that I’d felt like there was some major chemistry between us ever since. I told her that I’d always looked forward to getting a chance to spend time with her and that anytime there was a work function, I was always hoping she’d be there. I explained that I’d had a crush on her for a long time. That I thought we had some sort of cool connection that’s really rare for me to find.

Rene was gleaming. Shit, I reckon you could have lit a street with the amount of glow she was putting out. And I felt good about it too. I felt like I’d broken past my own bullshit and that, whatever happened, that was an enormous step in the right direction for me.

Next time

The story of that ridiculous night isn’t over yet. I’ll try and get through the rest of it in Origins #11.

Crazy bitch tip: Figure out what you really want instead of chasing things down and then throwing them away.

Origins #9

16 Feb

So, I’d just kissed my boss’s  daughter.

After a long, intense kiss we separated. Rene, who had only seconds before been kissing me back with some serious passion, stopped and said:

“Oh, it’s complicated. Oh my god, it’s so complicated. I’ll have to break it off with [some guy’s name].”
“What do you mean?”, I asked her.
“Who kissed who? Did you kiss me or did I kiss you?”, she asked, ignoring my question in the process.
“I kissed you”, I explained.

I don’t think I’d ever seen her smile quite so fully before as she did when I told her that. It was the same sort of smile you’d expect to see on someone who just won the lottery. Clearly Rene was happy that I’d kissed her. I was too because I thought we could finally cut all the bullshit.

“Oh my god. It’s so complicated.”, Rene said again.

I figured she was talking about the fact that I worked for her father. I was under no illusions as to how complicated it was. I’d had a lot to drink but I knew exactly what I was doing when I kissed her and I knew what I was risking. I avoid drama as best I can, but everyone once in a while, when I think it’s worth the stress, I dive in head first anyway.

I kissed Rene because I thought it was worth it. I felt a real chemistry with her and after all that build up, all the flirtation, and keeping my guard up for so long that she ended up literally crying in my lap because thinking I didn’t like her, I thought it was the right thing to do. Yeah, it was complicated because her father was the owner of the company I worked for and her sister managed my office, but Rene’s family all liked me knew me well enough by that point to know I’d treat her properly. Yeah, it was a risk, but I thought I’d been reasonably careful about the whole thing.

“It’s OK, Rene. It’s really nothing.”, I reassured her.

I remembered that my phone had been going off before we’d kissed. I checked it quickly to find a bunch of messages from Angelica asking if she should come around. For the briefest of moments I considered that threesome I’d been cheekily hinting at earlier at dinner, but common sense prevailed and I replied to Angelica telling her that Rene was in a bad way and I was taking care of her.

“It’s so complicated”, Rene repeated, putting her hands either side of her head.

You don’t have to sleep on the couch

“It’s cool, Rene. We’ve probably just had too much to drink. Let’s just chill out for the rest of the night and figure it all out tomorrow”.

I wasn’t exactly sure what she thought was so complicated, but kissing my boss’s daughter was more than enough drama for one night for me. I wanted to sleep on it and deal with it all in the morning when we were sober, so I explained to Rene that we should call it a night. I offered to pay for a cab but Rene pointed out that she’d have to come back the next day to pick up her car anyway, so it’d be easier for her if she stayed over. I told Rene she that was fine, that she could take my bed and I’d crash on the couch.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch”, she told me, to which I replied, “I reckon it’s for the best.”

I’d washed my bedclothes earlier that day, so Rene and I had to grab the bedclothes out of the drier and make the bed. She was practically giddy as we dressed the bed. I told her she’d be comfy in the bed and that I was going to take a shower before crashing on the couch. Rene suggested that we could share the bed and that it’d be fine. I reiterated that I didn’t think it was the best idea. Rene seemed to let it go and asked if she could borrow some clothes to sleep in. I grabbed up one of my favourite shirts and a pair of shorts for her, knowing they’d fit her about as well as a tent. Considering I’m 6’3″ and she’s about 5’6″, it was the best I could do.

I told her to get changed while I’m in the shower because I’d have to come back in to grab a few things before heading to the couch. Off I went to have a shower.

I really wasn’t expecting anything to happen that night. I figured the kiss was more than enough, especially considering how complicated Rene seemed to think it all was. Still,  you can be damned sure that I cleaned myself up as if I was getting ready for a date anyway. I double washed everything, especially my fun bits. My semi-intoxicated brain was coming up with all sorts of imaginary scenarios, such as Rene sneaking in and joining me in the shower, and yeah, I definitely liked the thought of something happening but I knew it was a bad idea. But just in case, I not only applied a bit of deodorant, I went the whole hog and applied my favourite aftershave too. Purely precautionary, of course.

I put on my and undies and pyjama pants (they’re not really pjs, just some comfy, loose fitting tracky dacks) and knocked on the door that joins the bathroom to my bedroom.

“Come in”, Rene said through the closed door.

Mere Male

Upon opening the door I was greeted with a sight I was definitely not expecting. There, on my bed, laid my boss’s daughter with a massive grin on her face. That massive grin might have had something to do with the fact that she’d chosen to go without the monstrously huge shorts I’d offered her and was instead in her underwear, and was currently pulling the shirt I’d provided her all the way up to her neck to ensure I got a full view of her ridiculously beautiful breasts. I want to make this clear, I’ve seen plenty of boobs in my time and I’m not easily wowed.

Rene’s were so astonishing that I blanked out for a second and came back too as I slid head first across my bed, face first into Rene’s stunning northern territory.

slide

I had a few twinges of “Hey! What are you doing???!!!! THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!!” firing off in my head, but that background noise was easily drowned out by the sounds of the horn section from the heavens. Honestly, I know I sound ridiculous but think about it from my perspective. I’d put in a lot of effort to make sure I wasn’t doing the wrong thing, I’d tried to do the right thing at every turn (for the most part) and here in front of me was a stunningly beautiful girl whom I’d had a crush on for quite a while beckoning me into bed with her. I’m a good guy but I can only resist sooooo much.

Don’t worry though, you’ll get to laugh at my foolishness as the story unfolds, you can be sure of that.

mistake

Heavy petting

Look, I’m not going to go into heaps of detail here. I’d prefer to leave it at the phrase ‘heavy petting’, but some of the details become relevant later on, so I’ll have to fill you in on them, but I’ll do that in the next installment of my ridiculous story.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t hook up with your father’s employee unless you’ve thought it through, and especially don’t do so when you’re already seeing someone else.

Origins #8

1 Feb

We ditched the trolly out the front of my apartment building and laughed our way up the stairs to my shitty little apartment. Y’know, I’m a bit harsh on my place. It’s a very small two bedroom unit thing but it does sit above the others and has a nice enough view over the city of Perth.

Rene and I spilled in through the door, both reasonably drunk and a quite knackered from the walk. Pushing the shopping trolly laden with one boss’s daughter aboard for a few blocks had taken the wind out of my sails for the time being.

Shots fired!

And what’s the smartest thing for a guy to do once he’s got his somewhat drunk boss’s daughter in his apartment? Why, offer her a drink of course!

I assumed Rene would ask for a water or cool drink or something. “You should make me a cocktail!”, was her actual response. I don’t know where she thought I was hiding the cocktail bar. I just laughed and told her it’d have to be a cocktail shooter. Making mixed drinks is just one more thing I know bugger all about, but when I was 18 I did learn to layer drinks in a shot glass, so I got to work on that.

Shot cocktail collection: Red and Blue Tequila

Like this but wayyyyy less classy

Changing it up

The reason we were at my place, as far as I was concerned, was for me to get changed so we could head off to humiliate ourselves at the nearest karaoke bar. With that in mind I told Rene I’d go get changed out of my work uniform into something more appropriate for drunkenly screaming into a microphone in front of bewildered strangers. I changed into a half decent looking shirt and a pair of jeans and switched my sneakers for some shoes nice enough to get me past the ridiculous footwear expectations at the bars in Perth.

I was all prettied up and ready to go but Rene had other ideas.

“You haven’t showed me around your place yet”, she explained. So I gave her the grand tour or the loungeroom/kitchen, the balcony and the second bedroom, which had my weights bench set up in it. This caught Rene’s interest and she decided she wanted to have a crack at bench-pressing what I had on the bar. To my surprise, she actually managed to get the bar back up mostly on her own. She wanted to go for another but I warned her I was probably too drunk to spot her properly, and that we should quit that particular endeavor as winners.

Instead of leaving the room though, she hopped up on the weights bench and leaned up against the window looking out at the view. It struck me how that was the most ridiculous way you could go about seeing the view. I mean, you don’t need to be on your knees on a weights bench with your arse pushed back to get a look at the view. Yes, I did appreciate the view I was getting in that scenario, but I still wasn’t planning on any shenanigans of that nature.

Bullshit! You were after something!

Yep. I’d be lying to say I wasn’t hoping for something to happen that night. What I was hoping for was that Rene would cut the bullshit and let me know she was actually interested. I figured once we’d both admitted that we were into each other, we could figure out if it was worth doing anything about. I was hoping for words, rather than actions, because actions are what would get me in trouble. Words were risky but a lot safer.

I wasn’t so keen to admit I was into Rene. I don’t think I’d really even considered if I was into her or not. I had so much more contact with her sister Laura, and I’d caught myself becoming interested in her but I’d always shut it down because she had a boyfriend. With Rene, I had a crush going for her but I’d never thought about anything beyond that because she wasn’t around as much and because I didn’t really understand what she was after, and I thought she was out of my league anyway. I couldn’t tell what she was really after, and I wasn’t going to get carried away overthinking a bit of flirtation here and there.

There was also the issue that, if I was going to be stupid enough to have a go with either of the Everlong sisters, I would have to choose carefully because I was certain that trying with one meant blowing my chances with the other. I didn’t realistically think I had a chance with either of them, but y’know how it is… when you daydream about possibilities you still like to keep your options open.

But there I was with Rene in my place, both of us fairly drunk and she was throwing some seriously flirting my way.

Better call Laura

Whenever things seemed to be calming down for a second, Rene would demand we have another drink, so I kept making those goofy layered shots and we kept knocking them back. They were full of vodka and advocate and whatever else I could find. They weren’t tasty, but Rene was pretty keen to keep the alcohol flowing.

I was in two minds as to how to deal with the situation I was in. Heading out to the city meant taking my boss’s daughter out on the town when she was already acting a bit over the top, but staying at my place meant potentially doing something that might jeopardize my job. I thought it was a safer bet to head out for karaoke, so I suggested it. Rene told me she’d rather hang out at my place for a while, that maybe we’d go later but we should watch a movie or something in the meantime while she rested up from the walk to my place.

Rene and Laura were very tight-knit sisters, so Rene decided she’d better let her older sister know where she was. That seemed pretty reasonable to me at the time but I quickly realised that having the family who own and manage the company I work for talking about the fact that the youngest daughter was at my place, and sounding a bit drunk, might not be a greatest thing for me.

I’m not a wise man when I’ve been drinking, or ever really, so the best solution I could come up with was to find a humourous interruption to make it obvious that nothing dodgey was happening. A flicker of stupidity ran through my head and I grabbed my guitar, interrupting the phone call with a magnificent rendition of “Burn for you” by John Farnham.

I chose that particular song because it had come up in conversation with Laura earlier in the day, in the same conversation where we ended up talking about letting people know if you want kids or not.

John Farnham

John Farnham was a hugely popular singer in Australia. I bring him up because he happens to play a weirdly significant role in the overall story. If you want to learn more about him, check out his wikipedia page but suffice to say, he was massively popular in Australia, especially throughout the 80s and early 90s and the Everlong family and I, and pretty much everyone else, were all adoring fans of the guy. That fandom will come into things later on.

Anyway, in the conversation I’d had with Laura earlier in the day, I mentioned that I loved the song Burn For You and she told she thought it was Farnsy’s most boring song, so when I chose to interrupt Rene’s conversation with Laura by playing that specific song, I was being a cheeky bugger. I was playing a song I knew she found annoying and thought was a great way to imply that everyone at my place still had our clothes on and we were just having fun being silly.

The backfire

Rene finished up the call with her sister, put her phone away, and suddenly burst into tears. At the exact same time, I felt my phone vibrate like I’d just gotten about 10 text messages. I ignored the texts for the time being and squished up next to Rene to ask her what was going on. As it happens, the lyrical content of the song Burn For You is all about a guy who’s desperately in love with a woman, Rene had completely misinterpreted my choice to play that specific song to Laura at that point in time.

Through her tears Rene said, “You like Laura don’t you?”
“What to do you mean? What are you talking about?”, I said.
“You’re interested in her. You don’t like me, do you?”, she said.
“Where’s this coming from? She’s got a boyfriend!”, I asked her.
“Yeah she’s got a boyfriend and you still like her more. Why do you like her more than me? What does she have that I don’t have?”, Rene sobbed.

By this point I’d wrapped an arm around Rene in an effort to console her. My other hand was on her knee. She sat there on my couch with her knees up in front of her, her head down, tears rolling down her face. I’d done my best to ignore it but I did have a crush on her and had done for a long time. There I was trying to console this girl who I liked as she cried because she thought I wasn’t interested in her. This same girl had made it clear earlier that night that she wants people to treat her like a normal girl and forget that she’s my boss’s daughter. I was stuck with the choice of either telling her that I’d liked her for a long time, or leaving her to cry in front of me in my own place.

Rene stopped talking but continued to cry. I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed me back. It was one of the most intense kisses I’ve ever been a part of. I remember the slight taste of salt on her lips from the tears. I remember that the way she kissed me back reassured me that I hadn’t made the wrong choice.

 

Crazy bitch tip: If you spend all your time concealing your intentions, don’t expect people to trust you.

Origins #6

17 Jan

So, last time, I was telling you about how everything seemed to be escalating. It really was. It was such a strange time for me. Things seemed to be going equal parts good and bad at the same time. The good parts were off the charts in the good way, and the bad parts were off the chart in the opposite direction. There was very little middle going on.

Goodbye to my car

I forgot to mention earlier on that I was now stuck without a car to get around in. That might not be a big thing where you’re from, but in Perth, that means you’re pretty well screwed. The public transport here will get you where you want to go but it’ll take an inordinately long time. As an example, some mates asked me to fill in for their sports team for the night. I’d normally get to the stadium in half an hour. On public transport it took me an hour and a half, and someone still had to pick me up from the train station! So the round trip was 3 hours to play a 40 minute match. See, I was without a car because, just before I went to Europe, I ran into one of those cops who’s just a cop because it allows him to get away with being a dickhead. There I was driving along in my 1970 Ford Capri doing the speed limit and behaving myself when Officer Cock-Knocker decides he’ll show off to the new recruit partner by pulling me over and having a bit of fun with the fact the has a uniform and a badge and I don’t.

Look at that terrifying death trap. Better pull him over.

Look at that terrifying death trap. Better pull him over.

I pull over when the blue lights flash behind me and Mr Plod is on the attack straight away “What are you doing with this Capri?”, “Is this vehicle stolen?”. “Of course not”, I tell him, “I’ve owned this car for 5 years”. I’m pretty confused why he’s asked such an attacking question to start proceeding. Then he fires out  “This is a British car, why does it have an Australian spoiler on the back?”

Ahhh…. It starts to make sense. Between the accent and these questions it occurs to me he’s English, and he likes his English cars. I explain that this is an Aussie built Capri and the spoiler was an option here. He ignores that bit of rationality and continues pointing out things he doesn’t like about my car. Not things that are illegal or make it unroadworthy, just things he doesn’t like. He asks me why I’ve got bigger brakes than standard and I make the mistake of informing him that I’m going to replace the original V6 motor with a V8.

His whole face went red! I thought steam was going to come out his ears!

It turns out this particular Englishman was a huge Cosworth fan and the idea of me modifying an original Ford Capri GT with anything but Cosworth parts was sacrilege to him. He ranted at me about how “You can’t just modify a piece of motoring history however you want!”, and “You’re disrespecting the British legacy of the Capri!”. All the while I’m just thinking, “Mate, this is my car, I’ll do what I bloody well want with it.”

I was slowly converting the Capri into a race car but the changes I’d made at that point were all to improve safety of the car for the road. Bigger brakes so I can stop in shorter distances, wider tyres for more grip, new seats that actually go further than half way up my back, a limited slip differential to reduce traction problems, etc, etc. All those changes will come in handy once the car is relegated to track use only, but in the meantime I had a car that was much safer to drive on the road than it was when I bought it.

Mr Uniform didn’t give two shits about how much those changes improved the car from a safety perspective. He was unnervingly irate at the fact that I had dared modified a classic Capri and was being weirdly aggressive in his posturing. His rookie colleague seemed a bit put-off by it all too but said nothing. Mr Blue Lights tells me he’s heard enough and tells me I’m getting a Yellow Sticker.

A Yellow Sticker is a defect notice which requires you to take your car to the licensing department for an evaluation. It costs a few hundred dollars to and you only get 10 days to have it done. If you don’t get it done you can’t drive the car on the road anymore. The awesome part was that this happened about 2 days before I was going to Europe and I had absolutely no time to get the car to the pits for the check, so when I got back from Europe, I had a car I wasn’t allowed to drive.

Once I got back I did take the car to the pits but the guys there are really pedantic and you’re not going to get a car from 1970 past them without a shit-tonne of work being done on it. It’s difficult enough to get a modern car past the pits, and even though the mechanic that was looking over my car was quite complimentary about the condition of it, he pointed out things like the headlights not meeting modern brightness requirements and things like that, and it just worked out that it would cost more money to keep the old girl on the road than it would to get the new engine in and get all the other work I’d been planning done. Doing it that way I could kill two birds with one stone by getting it all done at the same time. I sent the Capri off to my mates to get the work done but it was going to take months.

So that left me without a car.

I love that car. I love that she’s a conversation starter. I love that people smile when they see her coming down the road, and that kids get wide eyes and ask their Dad what it is. I love that some bloke literally tried to negotiate buying it off me as we drove down the freeway as he yelled from his car through my passenger window telling me that he’s always wanted one. I love how well that 40 year old engine sounds as she out accelerates more modern cars with ease. But more than all that, I just loved being able to get around and it really, really sucked to have to go without my own mode of transport.

Goodbye favourite band

Ever heard of the band Powderfinger? If you’re not from Australia, the answer is probably a big, fat nope. That’s a damned shame because they were an absolutely fantastic band.

For a long time there, Powderfinger was my favourite band. They dominated the charts here in Australia for over a decade by putting out 5 #1 albums in a row, and by taking out Triple J’s Hottest 100 2 years in a row. They even got 4 albums in Triple J’s 100 Australian albums of all time, including getting 2 albums in the top 10 and taking out the top spot. That’s right, Australia voted Powderfinger’s album Odyssey Number Five as their favourite Aussie album of all time. Personally, I don’t even rate Odyssey Number Five as their best album and I don’t really care about all the awards they got, I just love their music and I was completely gobsmacked by their ability to reach in and touch that indefinable thing that is being Australian.

I can’t explain it. I just know they captured something intangible about Australia and that era and somehow translated it in a way that hit me in a way very few other bands have managed.

My favourite Powderfinger album is Internationalist. It came out in 1998, when I was a little 19 year old pizza delivery boy. It might sound strange, but I learned a lot from that album. One of the common threads on Internationalist is that of people falling prey to watching their lives slip away, day by day. Internationalist hit me right in my head and stuck there.

Because I was working 60 to 90 hour weeks delivering pizzas at the time, I had a lot of time to listen to music, and Internationalist was in extremely high rotation on my car’s cd player. I think that’s a big part of why I took so much from that album. It influenced the way I thought about the world and how to live and still does right through to today.

I’m a musician myself, and in addition to influencing the way I see the world, Powderfinger has also had a massive influence in the way I approach making music and the sort of music I want to make. It was pretty sad news then, when Powderfinger announced they were calling it quits midway through 2010. As is the way with the retirement of musical acts in Australia in recent history, though, they decided to do a farewell tour. It was particularly disheartening for me at the time because they weren’t over the hill, they’d put out a stellar new album called Golden Rule just a few months beforehand. Anyway, I was really disappointed they were calling it a day, but at least I had my ticket to see them one last time. I’m not sure if anyone else will relate to being so horribly bummed out by their favourite band breaking up, but it was big deal to me.

Hopefully it’ll make sense why I’m telling you about this as the story progresses.

Goodbye great manager

Before Gus the devil monster, demon manager came on board, my team had been lead by a really nice bloke. His name was Mike Monarch. Mike’s a bloody champ.

Under Mike’s leadership we’d developed a system that was bringing in about $2,000,000 a year for Everlong. That’s a pretty damned good outcome considering our team was only 5 people at the time. After that project, Everlong decided to chase a few ‘big leads’. One of these big leads was a tender for a massive contract with a mining company. Getting all the documentation in for a tender like that is a massive amount of work and Mike was shifted over to that project and my team was left twiddling our thumbs.

There were good points to being left to our own devices. One of which, was that I had the chance to write some software to make maintaining that million dollar system much simpler. Another was that there was very little stress at work. The downside, however, was that our team couldn’t work on the projects we wanted to (projects which we believed would help make the company money) because we nobody in the team had any authorisation to lead us.

I would often lead the team to do simple little projects. They were just little proof-of-concept projects to show that we were able to create things that we believed were able to bring in an income and we could knock them out in a few days, so I wasn’t concerned with getting in any trouble for taking over the team. But to really do anything worthwhile, like redeveloping the system to work properly on mobile devices for example, we’d need to spend months in development. I wasn’t getting paid to lead the team and I didn’t want to be blamed for taking over the team and doing whatever I felt like, so instead of being unified and progressing projects, we each worked on whatever we thought would be useful.

In hindsight, I really should have taken over the team but I’m just not the sort of guy to go trying to steal power. Everyone would always come to me for guidance anyway and I’d been in the industry long enough to know the right moves. The years that have passed since have well and truly proved that I was on the right track, but hindsight is 20/20 and there ain’t much I can do about it now.

Mike realised we needed someone to lead the team while he was away, so Everlong advertised for a project manager, and in came Gus. What a talented imposter he must have been to get that job! I didn’t like him from the get-go but everyone thought he was ok, so I tried to convince myself I was wrong about him and just get on with my job.

Man, was I an idiot to not trust my gut! It wasn’t long before Gus had started manipulating everyone in the office. He was triggering in-fighting by making underhanded comments and blaming them on other people. He was sucking up to Tim Everlong. He was sneaking his way into the Everlong family’s trust and quietly bad-mouthing Mike and complaining about how little we had to show for the recent months. He was blaming Mike specifically for the lack of productivity and he must have done a pretty good job because Mike was ousted from his job as Gus’s boss, and Gus was given the higher position, leaving Mike in some bullshit demotion job where he was in charge of very little and bombarded with enormous amounts of stress on a daily basis.

Mike went from being a happy, easy-to-talk-to guy who was in good shape and good spirits, to slowly becoming an out of shape, glum, quite, ghost of himself who would occasionally try to force the edges of his face upward into a smile, but was otherwise an automaton with red eyes and a defeated expression.

That was really tough to watch happen to such a nice guy. I would have liked to have done something about it, but we were now under Gus’s complete control, and that was such an unpleasant situation that I was relying on my reserves of patience and ‘just put up with it until Gus actually learns how to do his job’-ness that I didn’t have much time to do much to help Mike.

Goodbye great job

Losing Mike as our manager and having Gus in his place was the key thing that turned my great job into a chore, then into a punishment, and eventually into a torture, but more on that later.

Goodbye Flash

Steve Jobs screwed me over! Well, really Adobe screwed me over and Steve Jobs just chose not to let them screw Apple over too.

See, I was a Flash Developer for a very long time. I did (and still do) work with Javascript, PHP and various other technologies but I had found that Flash was the best technology for the majority of projects I needed to develop in the early years of my career, so I focused on become very, very good at Flash.

At the time I was focusing on Flash development, Flash was available on 99.5% of all internet enabled devices. That made it a pretty safe bet as far as I was concerned. In addition to that, Flash was the only way to achieve all the fancy shit I was trying to build. Back then, if you wanted audio, video, interactivity or animation in your project, your project was going to have to be built in Flash.

For a long time I reaped great rewards by specialising in the use of Flash. I cranked out a lot of work that nobody else in Perth seemed to be able to get anywhere near. At one point I built a complete web browser in Flash! I know this is all nerd-talk but it was really quite cool being one of the top specialists in such a useful technology.

And then the iPhone came out.

The iPhone was the first phone to give you the real internet on your phone. Before that you could maybe read a bit of text from a few specific websites, but the iPhone showed you the actual internet! It showed you the web the same way it looked on your desktop.

Well… almost.

One thing the iPhone didn’t include was Flash. For a while there, that meant that you couldn’t view any videos or animations on your iPhone. Everyone just assumed that Apple would put Flash on the iPhone sooner or later but the iPhone was such a huge deal that many developers were clamouring to make sure their websites could be viewed properly on the magical new devices.

I became quite interesting in the idea of building apps for the iPhone and was trying to chase that up, but Apple won’t let you develop software for their systems unless you use a Mac. I didn’t have a mac and they weren’t keen on buying one at work, so the best I could do was try and find a way to output a Flash app as an iPhone app.

It was right in the midst of this when Gus decided to make us work like maniacs on stupid, useless shit all day everyday. That left me with no time to learn different technologies at work, and so exhausted and dejected when I’d get home from work, that the last thing I wanted to do was more work at my computer at home.

In early 2010, Steve Jobs goes and puts out a letter about why Flash is shit and will never go on any Apple mobile device. The shitty thing about it is, he was absolutely right about those things. And the reason Flash had all those problems was because the company that distributes Flash, Adobe, was more concerned about having Flash everywhere than they were about having Flash be any good. Adobe had bought Flash from another company called Macromedia a few years earlier, and everyone involved in Flash development had pretty major concerns at the time.

Turns out, we were right to be concerned because Adobe really drove Flash into the ground and left Steve Jobs with no choice but to choose not to include it on the iPhone, and in the process completely smashed my specialised skills.

So I owe Adobe a big ‘Fuck you’ and I owe Steve Jobs a punch in the face, because that left me without a specialised skill only a year and a half after the Global Financial Crisis kicked in and ruined the world economy. I therefore owe a lot of shitty bankers a punch in the face too.

The outcome of that situation was that I was pretty stressed about not being able to find another job if that situation was to arise. That’s not a good situation to be in when you’re working for a guy like Gus.

Gathering steam

All of these things had happened in the lead up to the end of September, 2010. All of these things, and everything else I’ve been yapping on about in my previous Origins posts were all coming to a head in September 2010.

September 2010

As I mentioned previously, Rene Everlong had been communicating with me a lot. So much so that her dad, my boss, had mentioned that she brought me up in conversation at family dinners. He pointed out that Rene had challenged me to a match of Wii Tennis and thought I had no hope of beating her. I had, of course, already told Rene that I would demolish her. I’d been playing that game a lot and I was damned good at it. It’s funny thinking back, Tim even seemed a bit perturbed by the fact that Rene and I had been communicating out of work but at the time, I was certain I’d done nothing wrong, so I was in no way concerned about that.

The invitation

Rene had been working at a job her father had gotten for her at a company not too far away from my office. That’s part of the reason she had become a regular visitor at my office, and more specifically, at my desk. Part of Rene working so close by meant that she was being included in any social invitations that were going out to my work crew.

I invited everyone out to see The Expendables, for example, and Rene said she’d come along. I was a bit excited at the prospect of hanging out with her in that scenario and she had been telling me how much she was looking forward to it. Then the night comes and she sends me an sms half an hour before movie time saying that she can’t make. Whatever. I was a bit disappointed I guess but I still got to see all those 80s heroes bumble their way through a terrible plot while stuffing my face with choc bombs, potato chips and soft drink, and laughing my arse off at the ridiculousness of it with the other 7 people from work who had made it along.

Now, I’m sure I mentioned earlier that we had a few social traditions amongst the crew at Everlong. One of them was Tuesday Steak Night at the local pub, and the other was Friday arvo drinks, also at the local pub. Often we’d go for dinner after a Friday afterwork drinks session and take up plenty of seats at any of the many awesome restaurants surrounding our local pub.

The pub we went to was called The Chesterfield. It was a brilliant pub. Cruisy atmosphere, cool staff, cool patrons, great food, great restaurants nearby, easy to get to from work and walking distance from home. What more could a guy ask for?! Rene was well aware of our Friday arvo drinks tradition having come along a few times with her sister for a quiet drink before heading off to whatever fancy evening affair they had planned and leaving us to continue in our merriment sans their company.

One particular week in September, Rene sends me an email from her new job explaining that, while she had only been there about a month, a new guy had come on board, and she thought he was a bit off. She said something about thinking he was suspicious or weird and that she was hoping that, if she brought the people from her work down to The Chesterfield for Friday drinks, I could suss him out.

I don’t know what she expected me to do as far as sussing out this bloke, but if your boss’s daughter implies that someone is making her uncomfortable at her job and asks for your help with that, you say yes, don’t you? I mean, shit, we were going to be at The Chesterfield anyway, what harm could it do to agree to give this bloke a once over and check for any psycho tendencies? So naturally I told Rene telling that her and her colleagues were welcome to join us at The Chersterfield for a few post-work bevvies and that I’d let her know what I think of the new guy she mentioned.

And that was the start of one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made.

Next time…

Alrighty, maybe I didn’t quite make it to the night the pin was pulled to the grenade this time, but all of this stuff is really important to the story. Things are really going to start cranking up In Origins #7.

Princess Rene

9 Sep

The word Princess

What do you think of when you think of a princess? Class? Elegance? Grace?

princess_grace

Princess Grace, of Monaco. Doing the being a princess thing right.

I guess Princess Grace is a bit old fashioned compared to our modern world. Times have changed, after all. I mean, here’s Princess Mary. A totally different story, right?

Princess Mary, of Denmark. Also doing the being a princess thing right.

Princess Mary, of Denmark. Also doing the being a princess thing right.

Oh. She’s actually classy, graceful, elegant and demure also. Hrmm. It appears there are certain traits that will always be associated with those ladies bestowed with the title ‘Princess’.

Strangely, I notice that one of those traits is not screaming at men to punch themselves in the balls.

“Pardon?”, I hear you ask.

I’ve noticed that women who give themselves the title of ‘Princess’ tend to not really possess the honorable and admirable traits mentioned above. In general, I’d have to say that most women who decide for themselves that they’re a princess, are usually, kinda classless, horrible, crazy bitches. I’m not saying that if you called yourself a princess when you were a little girl that you were an awful little monster. Of course not! You were a kid playing kid games and using your imagination to pretend you were someone wonderful and glamorous! What I’m talking about are fully grown women who go around calling themselves a princess when they’re not.

Princess Rene

So I did a little research and found a prime example of crazy bitch who calls herself a princess. Allow me to introduce you all to ‘Princess’ Rene.

'Princess' Rene. Kind of the opposite of a real princess.

‘Princess’ Rene. Kind of the opposite of a real princess.

Clearly, princess Rene has all the outward components of an attractive woman. Unfortunately, I suspect our dear Rene here is verging on mentally ill, and I say that because I have seen a video of her ‘at work’. I’m going to post the video below but let me first say that this video is targeting an adult demographic and it’s going to get weird. I’m telling you this ahead of time because getting caught watching this video is going to be tough to explain to your boss, or your mum, or, well, anyone. Anyway, take it away Rene…

Let’s just take a minute and consider that, huh?

“My lips are natural and gorgeous and lips that women pay thousands of dollars to achieve.” – princess Rene

“That’s right loser. You’re going to feel some pain for me.” – princess Rene

“In order to get your first kiss from me, I want you to take your hand and make a fist AND PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING BALLS” – princess Rene

“Is this fun for you? Cos it’s fun for me!” – princess Rene

“Look at you. You would do anything for me wouldn’t you, you fucking bitch” – princess Rene

“You would do anything for meeeeee. And why wouldn’t you? I’m fucking perfect. I’m amazing. I’m gorgeousssss.” – princess Rene

“I want you to do one last ball-punch” – princess Rene

The charming princess Rene.

The charming princess Rene.

I’m not going to pretend there aren’t guys out there that are attracted to ‘bitchy’ girls like this but I can tell you that I’m not one of those guys. I can also tell you that any guy that is attracted to women like this has some issues that might be worth dealing with. Seeing that we’re on How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch though, I’m going to focus more on the pink-lingerie clad, little nut-bar we’ve just watched scream into a video camera of some sort for few minutes with the intention of getting men to punch themselves in the balls over her.

More than meets the eye

What strikes me as interesting about Rene is that she is playing out the natural extension of a certain type of woman, that type being the attractive but very insecure girl. If you spoke with Rene (or whatever her real name is) about this video, she’d tell you she’s just playing a role, just pretending, that she’s only doing this silly stuff because it’s a way to make easy money. But I’d call bullshit on that, because someone as physically attractive as Rene here, could be making money hand over fist in a bunch of different ways because, let’s face it, men are pretty quick to hand over money when a good looking woman is around.

Nope. Rene here is absolutely into what she’s doing. She’s getting her jollies knowing that she has a power over guys. I’ve run into girls like this. I guarantee you that Rene will treat any man who shows interest in her like he’s a worthless piece of shit but she knows deep down she doesn’t really have any power, and that’s why the guy who ignores her is the one she’s going to chase. Of course, she’ll only chase him until he actually shows that he’s interested in her, at which point she will immediately relegate him to the rank of loser in her head and lose all interest in him.

Girls like Rene spend their whole lives ‘testing’ men by treating them like absolute shit, and the only guys they’re interested in are the guys who don’t give a shit about them because those guys don’t react to her bullshit. It’s ironic because girls like Rene end up throwing themselves at the guys who don’t care about them specifically because those guys don’t care about them, and then they complain about the fact that those guys don’t care about them. Then, to make themselves feel better, they abuse their power over other men in order to return the pain and suffering they felt at being rejected or ignored.

Don’t be like Rene

Think about it like this: If Rene here were really as confident and happy as she would like us to believe, would she really be stuck filming herself on a computer in a random, empty bedroom? Wouldn’t she at least have a cameraman?

Everything about Rene’s behaviour in the video screams to me that she’s a spoiled little kid who never matured into adulthood. She’s fueled by her joy of abusing the natural power her physique gives her and comes across to me as a vapid, self-centred, sadistic, angry little sociopath who is very confused about her position within the world. Do you think Rene sits back at the end of a long day filming “punch yourself in the balls” videos and thinks to herself, “I’m really living a fulfilling life of pure joy and satisfaction”? I doubt it.

Look, if you won the genetic lottery and as the result you’re an attractive young woman, please don’t waste your time playing stupid, pointless, hurtful power-games. You won’t get what you really want out of it, all you’ll do is cause yourself and a bunch of other people a shitload of unnecessary suffering. Look at what the truly happy people in the world do… they treat each other with respect and consideration and they certainly don’t intentionally inflict suffering or test each other for vulnerabilities.

I’m in my mid thirties now and I’ve seen a lot of the girls that were really good looking when we were growing up somehow fuck themselves out of finding deep and meaningful relationships with good, genuine men because they couldn’t get past this immature urge to play power games. Don’t make that mistake because I’ve seen those same girls start throwing themselves at anything that even remotely resembles a man when their biological clocks start ticking and the crows feet start settling in, and it ain’t pretty.

Crazy bitch tip: Give the power games a break and try actually doing things that lead to happiness instead.

 

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