Tag Archives: revolting

Do not lick cream out of someone’s buttcrack for tickets to a festival

21 Dec

A Chilean woman was so desperate for tickets to a festival called Maryland  that she LICKED CREAM OUT OF A RADIO DJ’S BUTT to ‘win’ them.

Tastes like eternal shame

Tastes like eternal shame

I don’t think I need to go into a lot of detail on this one. Suffice it to say, you shouldn’t do this.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t lick cream out of people’s butts for tickets to festivals.

You’ve gotta be shitting me!

3 Sep

Warning! Gross stuff ahead! If you’re squeamish, please skip this one.

A video came up on my facebook feed yesterday, the star of which is definitely a crazy bitch. Why is she a crazy bitch? Watch it for yourself…

She’s a crazy bitch because she took a shit right there on the floor of a supermarket. That’s. Fucking. Crazy!

What about the poor bastard who’s going to have to clean that up? What about the fact that every supermarket in the world has video surveillance, so there’s no way in hell this will go unseen? What about the fact that there are probably public toilets at the supermarket that she could have used instead? What about the fact that it is completely uncivilised to shit on the floor at a supermarket? What about the fact that there’s food around?

Seriously! Most human beings are toilet trained before they get to kindergarten! Hell, most people can train their pets to not just shit wherever the hell they feel like shitting, but this nutter is out there dropping nuggets in a friggin supermarket?!

If this was out in the bush and the lady was camping, fair play. There are different rules when you’re out in nature but even then, you’d dig a hole and bury you butt-vomit so nobody ends up walking in it. If this was an accidental fecal fiasco, I could understand that because everyone’s been on the wrong side of a bad kebab, but this is just a flat out sneaky public walk-by-shitting and my mind didn’t want to believe this was a reality.

Given my disbelief, I decided to do a quick search on youtube to reaffirm my belief that this shit (sorry) was out of the ordinary but it turns out I was wrong to think this was a rare and unusual thing.

At least this lady seems drunk or stoned…

But this next crazy bitch seems to think it’s funny! She even USES THE JANITOR’S JACKET TO CLEAN HERSELF UP!

As for the rest of these crazy bitches, I don’t know what’s happening. Some of them are quite well dressed, some not. Some you might think more likely to be gross than others, but they’re all up to the same thing.

Ok, so the evidence is in. There are women out in the world that are choosing to drop deuces in public and, in case you’re under illusions, anyone who sees this act in process is thinking one thing “That’s a crazy bitch!”. So let’s all keep in mind that if you don’t want to be thought of as a crazy bitch, find a friggin’ toilet!!!!!!!!

Crazy bitch tip: If you’d tell a child off for doing it, you definitely shouldn’t be doing it yourself.

I tried pretty hard to hold back all the puns that were going through my head while writing this and that was really giving me the shits, but I’ll forgive you if you feel the urge to drop one in the comments, or even go to the lengths of going for number 2, even a turd effort might come out if you really push. Ah crap, I really let it all out in the end.

Also, here’s a short emoji story. 10 points to anyone who figures out what it’s about: 😬😠😤😡💨💥💩😱😨😅😎

Do not leave marks on your children

30 Jun

This rule applies to all people and all children. This rule is simple. This rule is not negotiable.

DO NOT LEAVE MARKS ON YOUR CHILDREN.

The fact that you birthed a child does not entitle you the right to cause that child physical damage. It does not entitle you the right to intentionally scar that child. If you believe it does, you are a fucking crazy bitch. You are such a crazy bitch, that you’ll like go to prison.

That’s an important indicator during your self-evaluation. Think to yourself, would I go to prison for doing this thing that I’ve got it in my head that I want to do? If the answer is yes, and you continue anyway, have no doubt that you are a crazy bitch.

See this?

This is unacceptable. You do not need to brand your children, they will still be recognised as yours through their use of language, the fact that they live with you and that old reliable stuff we call DNA. Even if someone branded you, you still should not brand your children.

How about this?

This is also unacceptable. You should not have your children tattooed. Tattooing is permanent and it is painful. There’s no bloody reason you need to have a tattoo put on your child. Even if you’re a satanist and you want to hail your demon deity, you still don’t get to put a tattoo on your child. Do you know why? Because that’s fucking psycho! That’s why! Yet again, even if someone tattooed you when you were a child, you still should not tattoo your child.

What about this one?

Burning a child for any reason, is unacceptable. Do you understand? You don’t get to apply a burning hot iron to a child because your hair isn’t straight. You don’t get to burn a child because they’ve been crying. You don’t get to burn a child if they’ve accidentally cut your leg off with a chain saw. You should never burn your child.

And this?

Ripping your sons scrotum and applying superglue to the wound is not acceptable. Regardless of how angry you are, you don’t get to tear the flesh of your child. Regardless of how bad your day has been, you don’t get to rip the scrotum of your son. Regardless of who has been cruel to you in your life, you don’t get to grab your sons genitals and rip away at them so hard that you separate the flesh of his body and you sure as fuck shouldn’t try and fix it with glue and cover up the incident instead of seeking medical attention.

What the fuck is wrong with these batshit, crazy bitches?

Crazy bitch tip: If you know you’re a crazy bitch, please don’t procreate.

Letter to the editor #2

2 Jun

We’ve received our second letter to the editor and I have gotta tell you, it’s a doozie! Read on…

Hey How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch,

My mother-in-law is showing signs of serious crazy bitch behaviour.

So my 10-year-old daughter, Jane*, recently got her period for the first time. After a few screams and tears, my wife and I easily calmed Jane down by explaining that this was just another aspect of puberty.

But soon after is when the absurd conduct began: enter one intervening, traditional and adamant mother-in-law (think Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond).

For those unfamiliar with Marie's work.

For those unfamiliar with Marie’s work.

Behind my wife and I’s back, Marie* had fished from the garbage Jane’s first used pad and took it home with her to place in a snap lock bag. My wife discovered the artifact in one of Marie’s jewellery boxes and we soon both began asking questions.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that Marie believes that a girl’s first ‘bleed’ is something that is very sacred and should be retained for her future husband. According to her, if little Jane gives it to her first boyfriend, they will both be forever in love and live a prosperous life. Marie was planning on giving this back to Jane when she enters the dating scene to pass onto her boyfriend for good luck. Never in my life have I heard of such nonsense.

I’ve seen your posts on period-related topics; you seem to be on the same wavelength as me. Any advice in confronting Marie about not forging her unreasonable traditions on our family? I don’t want to cause her any sadness, but I also don’t want to jeopardise my daughter’s future.

Cheers,
Fed Up Son-In-Law

*Names have been changed

Firstly, thank you for the letter Fed Up Son-In Law.

Secondly, um… what the fuck am I meant to say to that? My immediate reaction is “That’s absolutely mental!” but I guess that’s hardly helpful in a situation like this. One key feature of this situation is that you’re dealing with a cultural practice and, as you’re clearly aware, people can be very tied to their cultural heritage and can get extremely upset if you don’t take these practices seriously.

I was pretty taken aback by this specific tradition but it’s a tradition none-the-less and yours and my shared belief that it’s an archaic and disturbing protocol isn’t going to add much additional space between the rock on your left and the hard-place on your right.

Here’s the best solution I can come up with to keep the peace between you and your Cookoo McGoos Mother-in-law:

Throw the original pad in the bin. Do that before anything else. No matter what happens, that thing has to go. Alrighty, now that your daughters blood soaked pad is out of the picture, we can get on to to placating your monster-in-law.

As a just-in-case, grab a clean pad, wipe a bit of tomato sauce on it and crinkle the thing up a bit to make it look used. Smash this period catchment imposter device into a sandwich bag and tell your mother-in-law that you want her to take care of it. Ask her if she’ll keep it in her freezer or something so you never ever have to see it again.

Then you take your family on a short vacation. A weekend road trip will do. When you get back from the road trip, you tell your mother-in-law that something wonderful happened… your daughter met a boy! She’s got her first ever boyfriend! Hooray and whatnot.

Now you tell your mother-in-law that your daughter is going to have a pen-pal relationship with this imaginary lad and she’s so taken with this idea that the bloody-pad will lead to a long and loving relationship, that she wants your mother-in-law to send the item that she honestly believes contains her granddaughter’s first blood (which sounds like a title for a terrible action movie to me) to the boy on her behalf.

Then you provide your mother-in-law the address of someone you strongly dislike and BAM, you’ve hit two birds with one fake period blood carrying, comfortable stone. Just make sure there’s no return sender address on that envelope and you’re scot-free!

Thanks again for the letter. Please don’t take on my suggestions. Maybe just tell your wife that it’s her job to stop her mother ruining your daughter’s life.

If anyone has a better suggestion, please post it in the comments!

 

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