Tag Archives: shit

Shit Psychology

14 May

I’m not a psychologist in any way, shape, or form, but I’ve read some books here and there and I enjoy contemplating the way the human mind works.

A lot of people refer to their problems as their shit and got to thinking about why that is. I started imagining emotional issues as actual shit on people, and thus the theory of Shit Psychology was born.

need-help-pigpen

Here’s a little story to illustrate my theory.

A shit story

Imagine a little kid at a farm having a good time being a kid. Then the kid’s stepfather pushes him into the pig pen and laughs as the poor kids slips around on the ground amongst all that shit. The kid cries. His stepfather laughs and laughs. Bad situation all round.

A shitty situation

The kid didn’t like what just happened at all and wants to remove all evidence of the experience, but there aren’t any showers or baths in this fictional place, so the kid wipes off what he can and has to settle for that being enough. Unfortunately the kid now stinks of shit and, despite his best efforts, there’s still quite a bit of shit all over him, especially in the areas he can’t reach or see.

The kid goes to school and tries to act normal but all the other kids are steering clear of him because he smells so badly. When he tries go near his mates and they walk away he asks what’s wrong, they tell him they can see that he’s got shit all over him and they can’t stand the smell.

This poor kid can’t do anything about the situation so he lies, telling them it’s just normal dirt and it doesn’t even smell that bad. His friend’s senses are more believable than his lies, so they leave anyway.

Shitty friends

Within a few days he’s used to the smell and  doesn’t notice anymore. He starts to see the shit as part of who he is. In some ways he’s even proud that he hasn’t just given up on life because of the shit that was put on him. He sees it as evidence of his bravery to overcome tough shituations.

He starts to make new friends. These new friends aren’t as judgemental as his old friends. A lot of his new friends have a lot of dirty marks just like his but they assure him it’s definitely not shit, and they don’t question him when he asserts that his marks are only mud stains.

His new friends are different to his old friends in a lot of ways. When he walks through town with his new freinds, people practically run to get out of their way.

Shitty behaviour

His new friends also have a weird thing where they like to throw dog shit at people. They’ll  grab all the shit from the dog shit bins at local parks and find some kids walking by themselves and bombard them with all that dogshit. His new friend’s hands get more and more covered in shit in the process but they can’t seem to help themselves from doing it.

Eventually our protagonist starts to participate in this shit show. He knows it’s not nice but he finds there’s something satisfying about seeing someone else go from completely clean to being covered in just as much shit as he is. He convinces himself it’s not so bad anyway, you get used to the smell after a while and really it just makes his targets stronger in the long run.

Despite his efforts to convince himself it’s alright, he always feels bad about it afterwards. He wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about it sometimes.

Shit rolls down hill

The kid grows into a man, he gets involved with a woman from his group of shitty friends and they convince each other there’s nothing wrong with being covered in shit. She acts really weird sometimes, but so does he, so they put up with each other and their shitty behaviour because they’re sure that everyone else is just as shitty as they are.

Neither of them are really happy though, so they catch themselves looking at other people. Eventually his girlfriend catches him with another woman and ends things.

He doesn’t mind though, because he likes this other woman more. His mistress has her own shit, and has a kid as well. He notices that even the kid has some shit too, so he feels like he fits with them and he’s willing to put up with the kid in order to be with her, so he moves in with his mistress.

He has a great time with her, but that damned kid is more of a chore than he could ever have imagined. He starts to resent that kid immensely, but he’s so attracted to the kids mother, that he marries her anyway.

A shitty cycle

One day his wife tells him they’re all going to a farm to teach the kid about the animals. He begrudgingly  participates in their little field trip, knowing that if he doesn’t go, she’ll get angry at him and he won’t get any that night.

While they’re walking around the farm, and he’s hating every minute of it, his wife has to go to the toilet. His now step-kid looks so happy there, playing with the piglets in front of that pig pen.

He notices that his step kid has got hardly any shit on him. Compared to his mother and step-father, he’s almost clean. Without even thinking about it he kicks that little kid right into the pig pen, watching him land face first and come up screaming with a mouthful of pig shit.

He laughs and laughs at that stupid little kid as he slips around in the shit.

Washed up

That little kid climbs out of the pig pen as his mother returns from the toilet. She sees her son there, covered head to toe in shit and she knows immediately this moment could change his life for the worse. She tells her husband who is still laughing hysterically at the stuation that she wants a divorce, grabs her kid and rushes straight of to a Professional-Shit-Yeast-Crap-Help Office to start on removing as much of that shit as they can as soon as possible.

See, at the PSYCH office, they have basins and sinks and flanels, and they have these really cool little lasers which they use to shrink the individual shit particles.

Unfortunately they can’t get all the shit off you quickly, or easily, and it’s really expensive, but it’s either that or be left spending the rest of your life trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that you’re not covered in shit.

Back to the theory

So, that short story is my way of explaining how i think Shit Psychology works. People with emotional problems tend to be more willing to ignore the emotional problems of the people in their lives and it’s very difficult to be surrounded by people with emotional problems and not end up being affected by those people.

A lot of people who experience difficult circumstances try to ignore away the impact, but that just doesn’t work. All it does is bring into contact with people who are busy trying to ignore their own shit and all sorts of chaos comes from that.

Like in the story, most of the shit we get on us is not even our fault, it’s the result of other people dumping their shit on us.

There’s no point pretending that you don’t have shit to deal with. If you do, your best course of action is to go to the pople who are trained in helping you clean your shit off. Therapists and Psychologists are there specifically to help people get rid of their shit and in doing so, help give people their best chance at happiness.

Crazy bitch tip: Got shit to deal with? Go to the professional shit removers.

That’s too much information #2: family shit

29 Apr Comparing their poo and sharing it with Facebook

Holy fuck. Who does this?

Comparing their poo and sharing it with FacebookSeriously? I can’t believe the following tip is necessary.

Crazy bitch tip: do not poo on a plate and compare your poo with that of your relatives and then share a phototgraph of it on Facebook (or any other social platform, or anything, anywhere).

If you absolutely have to compare your turds with your family, say for medical reasons, keep that shit to yourself!

Sometimes you can’t hold it

19 Apr

Credit goes to reddit.com/u/majibita for capturing this unsightly faux pas.

credit to reddit.com/u/majibita

In all fairness, the woman in this picture is more than likely a nice, normal human being who just had a shitty night (I’m sorry). At least her face isn’t in the picture.

Take this as a damned good reminder that, if you’re not feeling so hood, you’re better off facing the queues at the ladies dunnies that trying to hold out to flirt with Mr Right.

Crazy bitch tip: your flirting success rate will greatly diminish in accordance with the amount of fecal matter you currently have dripping down your legs.

You’ve gotta be shitting me!

3 Sep

Warning! Gross stuff ahead! If you’re squeamish, please skip this one.

A video came up on my facebook feed yesterday, the star of which is definitely a crazy bitch. Why is she a crazy bitch? Watch it for yourself…

She’s a crazy bitch because she took a shit right there on the floor of a supermarket. That’s. Fucking. Crazy!

What about the poor bastard who’s going to have to clean that up? What about the fact that every supermarket in the world has video surveillance, so there’s no way in hell this will go unseen? What about the fact that there are probably public toilets at the supermarket that she could have used instead? What about the fact that it is completely uncivilised to shit on the floor at a supermarket? What about the fact that there’s food around?

Seriously! Most human beings are toilet trained before they get to kindergarten! Hell, most people can train their pets to not just shit wherever the hell they feel like shitting, but this nutter is out there dropping nuggets in a friggin supermarket?!

If this was out in the bush and the lady was camping, fair play. There are different rules when you’re out in nature but even then, you’d dig a hole and bury you butt-vomit so nobody ends up walking in it. If this was an accidental fecal fiasco, I could understand that because everyone’s been on the wrong side of a bad kebab, but this is just a flat out sneaky public walk-by-shitting and my mind didn’t want to believe this was a reality.

Given my disbelief, I decided to do a quick search on youtube to reaffirm my belief that this shit (sorry) was out of the ordinary but it turns out I was wrong to think this was a rare and unusual thing.

At least this lady seems drunk or stoned…

But this next crazy bitch seems to think it’s funny! She even USES THE JANITOR’S JACKET TO CLEAN HERSELF UP!

As for the rest of these crazy bitches, I don’t know what’s happening. Some of them are quite well dressed, some not. Some you might think more likely to be gross than others, but they’re all up to the same thing.

Ok, so the evidence is in. There are women out in the world that are choosing to drop deuces in public and, in case you’re under illusions, anyone who sees this act in process is thinking one thing “That’s a crazy bitch!”. So let’s all keep in mind that if you don’t want to be thought of as a crazy bitch, find a friggin’ toilet!!!!!!!!

Crazy bitch tip: If you’d tell a child off for doing it, you definitely shouldn’t be doing it yourself.

I tried pretty hard to hold back all the puns that were going through my head while writing this and that was really giving me the shits, but I’ll forgive you if you feel the urge to drop one in the comments, or even go to the lengths of going for number 2, even a turd effort might come out if you really push. Ah crap, I really let it all out in the end.

Also, here’s a short emoji story. 10 points to anyone who figures out what it’s about: 😬😠😤😡💨💥💩😱😨😅😎

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