Tag Archives: surgery

Don’t titty-bump old ladies to the ground

5 Mar

A woman who doesn’t have a valid drivers license drove to Walmart and failed miserably to pull into the handicapped spot she was aiming for. She failed so badly that a little old lady thought the spot was free and pulled into it.

The little old lady has a valid handicapped parking permit which she was provided because she recently had a hip replacement surgery. The younger woman did have a handicapped parking permit with her, the thing is, it wasn’t her permit. It sounds like she’d taken someone else’s and was using it on her car.

The younger woman is looking like a pretty shitty human being already, what with driving without a license and using an invalid handicapped permit, but then she went and upped herself right into crazy bitch territory by getting angry at the old lady and “titty bumping” her to the ground.

When the police asked the younger woman about this, she said:

kezia-perkins

“it’s not my fault the elderly woman bounced off my big (chest).”

 

“it’s not my fault the elderly woman bounced off my big (chest).”

We all know she said “titties” instead of (chest), and I’d wager she didn’t actually use the term ‘elderly woman’ either.

The thing about being elderly and having major surgeries is, it makes a frail person even more frail. Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to go around knocking people to the ground. It’s an even worse idea to go knocking elderly people to the ground. It’s still worse to go around knocking elderly women to the ground, and worse than that is to go around knocking elderly women who are recovering from major surgeries to the ground!

Now, you might have a good reason to knock someone to the ground. Y’know, maybe there’s an eagle trying to catch them as prey and carry them away for some eats, and if so, fair enough, knock that old lady to the ground. If, however, you’re an unlicensed driver trying to park your car in a spot you don’t have the right to be in and they take that spot because they’re struggling to get around on account of being old and recovering from surgery, well, you’re being pretty unreasonable. The best course of action if you’re already in the wrong is definitely not to make the situation worse, and by throwing your angry titties at an old lady to smash her to the ground, well, that’s not going to make the situation better.

The elderly woman in this scenario is now recovering from having spent quite some time on the ground in the snow after her hip surgery came undone. She has since had another hip surgery and is, yet again, suffering through the recovery process of that.

(You can stop watching at [2:30] into the video, I don’t know why they’ve added the Beatles stuff after the report.)

Crazy bitch tip: never titty bump old ladies to the ground.

There’s more than one way to be beautiful

31 Jan

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why so many people believe there’s only one way to be considered beautiful.

90s black culture

When I was growing up in the 90s, there was a big influx of ‘black music’ from America. There was heaps of R&B and hip hop and rap started taking over the airwaves. The singers and rappers in the video clips for these songs were, of course, black guys and it wasn’t long before any guy with the slightest bit of darkness to his skin was suddenly a hot commodity in the teenage dating scene. It was always funny to me watching my Indian mates start playing it up and taking on all these American black-guy traits, but hey, good luck to them, they were getting the girls that way. It was downright hilarious to me at the time though, watching my lighter skinned buddies starting to act like gangsters and wearing all the garb that was popular in the hip hop videos at the time. My friends didn’t quite go these extremes but you get the idea…

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Now, these pics are pretty funny because these guys have gone waaaaaaay overboard. They look foolish. They don’t realise that they in no way resemble their hip hop heroes or that their efforts towards that come off as unbelievably lame. If these guys were just being themselves, they wouldn’t have ended up having their photos lambasted all over the internet, and that’s the point I’m getting at… You can still be attractive even if you don’t look like whatever the current trend is.

The confusion continues

That whole ‘white guys trying to be black’ thing is still going, but it’s not quite as bad as it was at its peak. In fact, some blokes like Eminem managed to blow through the boundaries and just like Elvis before him, found a way to commercialise the urge for young white guys to want to be black. Anyway, it seems there’s a different version of this ‘wanting to be like someone else’ dominating the world at the moment. This version is generally amongst the ladies and is the urge to dress, look, and act like dumb white bitches.

I’m going to assume that this is mostly because the most famous women in the world are movie stars or American ‘celebrities’, and most of these women are white skinned, have fair hair and light coloured eyes. This appears to have generated the confusion that a beautiful women must have light skin, thick lips, a petite nose, light coloured eyes, blonde hair and no normal human imperfections. Sure, there are many beautiful women out in the world who do fit that stereotype and lots of guys are attracted to them, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to be attractive!

Check out these ladies trying to look like someone they’re not..

There’s no denying some of these women look pretty good, but most of them are looking prettttttty badddd. And that’s the way it usually goes. You get a few people who are able to pull off a look different to their natural look because they happen to have features that make it work, but most people just can’t get away with it and it ends up looking comical. Mind you, fashion makes no sense to me. Sometimes looking awful is the trend and everyone just goes along with it. I don’t get that shit either.

Anyshways, what I’m trying to say is that you can look good without fucking with your face and your hair and without bolting on a pair of inflato-tits. You can be beautiful by playing to your strengths. If you’re not naturally blonde haired and blue eyed, don’t try to be. Instead, take advantage of what you’ve got.

What not to do

And here’s why… [warning: there’s some gross footage in this one]

Be real

Yes, there are beautiful women with blonde hair and blue eyes, but there are a billion other ways to be beautiful.

I’ve said quite clearly before that I don’t know shit about fashion. I do, however, know that these women are friggin gorgeous. Obviously these women are blessed with some outstanding genes, but they’ve got something else going for them too… they’re not trying to be someone they’re not.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t dye your hair or straighten it or put on some makeup or whatever. Go for your life! But when you hit the point that you’re trying to hide what you actually look like and fake yourself off as someone else, that’s going too far. So cut down on the plastic surgery and  have a go at taking advantage of your natural beauty. Guys aren’t as stupid as some of you girls seem to think, we can see that you’re good looking even if you’re not the type of good looking that happens to be on TV at the moment. I can’t speak for every guy on the planet but I know that I personally find a woman who’s comfortable with how she looks and who she is to be a gazillion times more attractive than a bleach blonde, fake tanned, wearing all the trendy bullshit kind of woman.

I know for sure that heaps of guys like exotic women. You can’t be exotic if you’re busy trying to look like everyone else now, can ya? Crazy bitch tip: stop trying to be someone you’re not

Buy shoes that fit

14 Jun

Ladies, gentlemen, people on the spectrum that don’t identify as either, let me point out to you all that there is one rule of purchasing footwear to which you should always abide. That rule is to buy shoes that fit.

Ignoring reality

This rule applies to all adults in all circumstances (emergencies excepted). While you may be able to convince yourself that you fit into a smaller size pair of jeans than you really do by squishing your flesh and fat around until you finally get that button to hold, that only works because that’s a part of the body that happens to have flesh and fat. Either way, you’re not fooling anyone, we all still see that you don’t fit. In Australia we call this “Muffin Top”, see figure 1 and 2 below.

Figure 1: Muffin-top

Figure 1: Muffin-top

Figure 2: The classic muffin-top + tramp-stamp combo.

Figure 2: The classic muffin-top + tramp-stamp combo.

Muffin-top is unpleasant and is to be avoided but at least it’s not going to leave you permanently disfigured. Feet are a whole different world, however.

Feet are made of bones

This same effort towards self-deception does occur when it comes to footwear but it takes a bit more of a separation from reality. Behold figure 3, an instance in which the person wearing the footwear is the only person convinced that her shoes actually fit.

Figure 3: Toe danglers

Figure 3: Toe danglers

It’s quite possible that I know less about women’s shoes than anyone to have ever graced this planet, yet even I know that these don’t fit. You see, feet are made of bones, and bones aren’t as malleable as fat or flesh. You can’t really squish a bunch of bones into a poorly fitting container. This fact is the reason we see things like the “random toe overhang” or the rare but impressive “superfluous side toe”.

Toe popper

Figure 4: Toe-pop

Interestingly though, I believe this is actually a better than the disturbing trend which is rising in popularity in some of the wealthier parts of the world lately.

A trend has emerged

What trend? Yeah, umm, well… essentially there’s a brand of shoes out there that are very desirable but are designed to fit a only a few foot sizes. Instead of connecting the dots and recognising that expensive shoes should fit better than cheap shoes and that shoes that don’t fit are a bad way of spending your money, there are women out there in the modern world who are actually paying to have their feet reshaped by surgeons so that they can squeeze into the shoes they so desperately desire.

I know that my lack of fashion nous perhaps makes me a less credible voice on this matter but if you ask me, surgically modifying your body to fit it into anything is pretty fucking nuts. I’m talking crazy-bitch level nuts. I’m talking “I don’t know if your vote should be allowed to impact the democratic process of your country” nuts. I’m talking “Holy shit, some of these people are going to have children and apply the same line of thinking to them and then we’ll end up with a generation of children customised to fit into fictional daydream that relates in no way to reality” nuts.

In a bind

In case you’re unaware, a similar practice became popular in China about 900 years ago.

Apparently one of the emperor’s in house prostitutes filled out her shoes in an attractive way and also had a nice way of walking. Competitiveness being what it is amongst the wealthy, next thing you know wealthy men throughout the nation also wanted the women they owned to have a similarly nice way of filling out a shoe. Of course, it did not matter to these men that the way this was achieved was for the women’s feet to be so tightly bound that over time the bones would eventually curl and distort and grow into a shape that filled out the shoes well. Neither did these wealthy men show much concern that women whose feet were bound (often from childhood) would lose the ability to walk and would have to be carried around the place by servants. I mean, who cares right? As long as one of your favourite female possession can fill out a shoe, crippling her is a fair trade off. Totally, nothing wrong with that… unless, you know, you actually have a soul and consider mutilating and crippling people to be a bad thing.

Even going back about 700 years there were people in China fighting against this practice. They called it barbaric. An emperor even attempted to have the practice banned but no, mangled feet filling out pretty shoes continued right the way up until the early 1900s.

The Manchu Emperor Kangxi tried to ban footbinding in 1664 but failed.[1] In the 1800s (19th century), Chinese reformers challenged the practice but it was not until the early 20th century that foot binding began to die out, partly from changing social conditions and partly as a result of anti-foot binding campaigns.[2] Foot-binding resulted in lifelong disabilities for most of its subjects, and some elderly Chinese women still survive today with disabilities related to their bound feet.[3]

Totally worth it to make a shoe fit nicely.

Totally worth it to make a shoe fit nicely.

Read more about this madness at wikipedia

Progress

100 years ago the Chinese outlawed the practice of warping feet and yet here we are today with women choosing to warp their own feet purely for the sake of fashion. That’s not progress. That’s a failure to educate human beings to value their bodies above a current trend or a temporary desire. Some things just aren’t made for you and that’s ok. Your life will not be better as a result of surgically modifying your feet to fit into a pair of shoes. For the love of all that is good in the world, please consider the fact that having a functioning pair of feet is something to be thankful for and that no pair of shoes is worth risking that.

Crazy bitch tip: For fuck’s sake, stop spending money on hacking into your body so you can then spend more money on shoes that were never designed to fit you in the first place. BUY SHOES THAT FIT.

 

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