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Origins #22

17 Feb

Long time no origins speak, huh? If you have no idea what an Origins post is, check back to the previous one Origins #21, or try the Origins category for more details.

Anyway…

Despite waking up from an extremely confusing night with the boss’s daughter, which was supposed to help uncomplicate the fallout of the previous extremely confusing night with the boss’s daughter, but failed miserably to do so, I was somehow still feeling confident about my general situation.

A recap

To recap the situation I was somehow still feeling confident about:

maybe

I think that’s the guts of it up to this point.

Confident? WTF?

I don’t know. I don’t know why I was sure I could make it all work out fine, but I was.

I figured Rene would take a bit of time to chill out and when she had finally calmed down, we’d be able to talk it through properly, and if she was interested we could let things play out under the radar. If she was genuinely just not interested I figured she’d straight up say that and I’d just have to get over it. I’d had to deal with things like that enough times before that I knew it’d be fine.

I wasn’t too concerned about the fact that my software specialty, Flash was under attack. I thought Adobe would just start outputting to HTML5 and I’d be able to continue using the Flash IDE. If that sounds like rubbishy jargon talk, this is an attempt at a translation: I’ll keep designing buildings, the builders will just be using bricks instead of wood.

As for my new manager, he was incompetent and nobody who worked under him liked him. We’d all been there for years and he was terrible at his job, so I assumed it was only a matter of time until he was fired or, at the very least, taught how to do his job properly.

I wasn’t all that aware that I was on the verge of alcoholism at the time. I just thought I was letting off steam. I was aware it wasn’t the ideal behaviour but hey, I was dealing with a lot and I felt like it was reasonable to ease that with the odd drink(ing binge).

My boss, Tim Everlong was a good guy, he just didn’t realise that I had been trying to do right by his daughter. I understood his reaction but I was sure he’d see how respectfully I was treating her and recognise that I wasn’t using her for a night of bedtime antics while he was away, that I had been completely respectful of her and of him, and that I was still the good guy he’d known me to be before.

My car didn’t need heaps of work to get it back on the road and I had a friend who had been chomping at the bit to help me convert it into a faster, more fun car, so we’d get onto that and get her back on the road swiftly for sure!

So, really, what was there to worry about? Nothing! Right? …right?

No seriously, I was still confident things would work out

I get that it sounds ridiculous, but I had always tended towards being a confident person.

It’s not like I don’t get scared or that I don’t have insecurities, of course I do, but I’d proven to myself time and time again that I can resolve complicated and difficult situations. I’d learned that the trick was to talk the problems out with whoever was involved, figure out a way to resolve the situation, and bam! problem solved! No awkwardness, no drama, no confusion. Easy peasy!

confident

Another thing on my side with remaining confident was the fact that I always had this little fire inside me that says “It’ll be alright”, and up until this point, that little fire had always been right, so why would I doubt it now?

Enough catch-up, on with the story

I arrived at my place of work, Everlong, ready to face the day. I always got in early. I was usually the first one in so I’d use my key to open up, turn off the alarm and that’s exactly what happened this particular day.

My primary objective was to load up on caffeine to help overcome my lack of sleep, because I knew it was gonna be a long day. I grabbed my daily coke zero from the vending machine (because y’know, it’s got no sugar, so it’s totally healthy) and periodically poured its blackish goop into my face as the morning crawled onward.

Colleagues arrived at the office one by one. The office slowly filled with people. They hadn’t forgotten that Rene had spent the night at my place less than a week ago, and were relishing the opportunity to fire jokes about that at every opportunity, but none of them knew what I was really going through and I’d been sworn to secrecy so I couldn’t tell them anything.

No one had the slightest clue that I was currently trying to will my exhausted body and mind through another day of work after having spent the night alone with Rene again, this time to try make some sense out of what had happened between us and what that meant for the future.

Time for that meeting you didn’t know you were attending

It must have been around a five to nine when someone asked if I had everything I needed for the 9 O’clock meeting. The meeting was news to me.

what

I checked my calendar and saw no meetings listed. I asked around to make sure I was supposed to be going. Everyone agreed I was required, so I asked what it was about.

We were meeting with a local organisation that helps young men in need. Funny, I thought to myself, Rene’s been working with that organisation lately. My heart pounded until I realised Rene would have mentioned that she’d be coming in. No big deal then, I just had to get through a random meeting with no idea what it was for, what my role was, or with whom I’d specifically be meeting. Nothing new. Off we go.

Dun dun dunnnn

Someone said “Quick, they’re here”, so I jumped up from my desk, grabbed my notepad and pen and started walking to the office door being held open for me by my colleague. Having grabbed my stuff  in a hurry, I’d been clumsy and didn’t have a good grip. The pen had somehow ended up sitting between my right middle and ring fingers and the tip was pushing into my palm. I was trying to sort that out when I looked up to see… RENE! dunn dunn dunnnnn!!!!!

dun dun dun

I was really surprised. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. So there I was with my pen folded into my palm, my big notebook in my left hand making it useless to help untangle the other, and my boss’s daughter staring at me as I came through the office door.

No doubt I looked very surprised. My colleague noticed and thought it would be funny to pretend to introduce me to Rene. How fucking hilarious. huh

Rene played along and put her hand out for a handshake. Trying to avoid the awkwardness of explaining that my pen was lodged in my hand, I pushed my hand forward and gripped Rene’s fingers with my fingertips in an impressively awkward effort and somehow managed to drive the tip of my pen through the skin of my palm. Rene looked at me quizzically as I flinched. I mumbled the phrase “Nice to meet you” through gritted teeth and we wandered into the meeting room.

The meeting

I couldn’t tell you a single thing about what that meeting was about. A website, maybe? I spent the entire time trying not to let on that I was feeling super awkward. I wanted to look at Rene, but I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want to ignore her either, but I didn’t want to direct all my conversation towards her. I wanted everything to be fine, and for the meeting to end as soon as possible. I swear it lasted a month.

I’d catch Rene looking at me when we were all supposed to be looking at the projection screen, only for her to look away as soon as noticed. Then I’d be looking at her trying to figure out if she had actually been looking at me, and then she’d look up and I’d instinctively look away. I tried to act super relaxed, putting my hands behind my head and leaning back. Rene leaned her head on her hand in a “I’m totally relaxed about this situation too” maneuver. It was  ridiculous. We were in some shitty sit-com playing out all the hacky tropes of an awkward encounter.

Rene’s colleague apologized that he had to leave early. That left Rene, my colleague, and me. Rene and I started cracking little smiles at each other and my colleague yammered on, completely unaware of the weird little scene he was taking part in. My colleague eventually ran out of things to say and got up to leave.

I don’t remember exactly how Rene and I finished up that little surprise interaction but I do remember calling her out on not mentioning that she’d be at my office that day. “I thought it was next week”, she laughed.

After the meeting

People had already been giving me shit about Rene having spent the night at my place, but this new encounter had sparked everyone’s creative comedic juices and I had a slew of new emails full of mockery when I got back to my desk. Yay. Smile and nod.

rolly

At least the emails were silent and ignorable, unlike the generous helping of cheeky remarks thrown my way. You’d have thought it was a competition the way everyone was carrying on.

And yet, still confident

Even with all that silliness going on, the surprise meeting, everyone making jokes around the office, and everything else I was dealing with, I was still confident it would work out. I was in the right. I’d done the right thing the whole way through, so I was sure that “She’ll be right”, as we say in Australia.

 

Next time

The awkwardness is only just beginning. Come back and revel as I squirm at the hands of crazy bitches and massive douches.

Origins #15

19 Jun

Picking up where I left off, I was figuring out the best way to ask out my boss’s daughter after she’d spent the night at my place. Look, to be completely honest, I can’t remember if I asked Rene out on the Sunday evening or waited ’til Monday. I think it was Sunday but gimme a break ok, it was nearly 5 years ago.

Actually, part of the reason I’m trying to write this all down is so I’ve got a half accurate version of the events that took place before I forget them all. The tough part is that it was a downright awful experience to go through, so it’s not exactly fun trying to remember it in fine detail. Anyway…

Time to ask Rene out

Unlike her sister Laura, Rene didn’t work at Everlong, so I wouldn’t be seeing her in person anytime soon. I guess I could have called her, but we’d never called each other before and after the somewhat dramatic turn of events the weekend had become, I wasn’t inclined to fall into a super awkward conversation on the phone. I instead went the SMS route. I spent a bit of time thinking about what to write, but in the end I just said exactly what I was thinking. It was something like:

Hey, wanna catch up sometime this week? Friday got a bit full on, so I reckon we find something nice and chill to do and just hang out.

Then came the always fun waiting for the response phase of the sms communication medium. I have at times stressed out like crazy while waiting for a response to a message like that, but I don’t think I was that stressed about this one. I figured that after Rene literally demanded that I ask her out, the odds were in my favour. Even if she said no, that would be a way out of a hugely complex situation anyway, so it was kinda win, win.

The response is in

Pretty quickly after sending my message to Rene, my phone uttered that classic Nokia sms received tone. Rene’s response was in: Yes. Sounds good. How about Wednesday night? Hey, hey! That was what I wanted to hear. Straight forward. Easy. No fuss. No confusion. Fantastic! And there I was fretting about it being a big deal and making what was already an extremely complicated time in my life even more complicated. Phew! excellent I can’t claim that is 100% exactly what Rene sent, but I remember very clearly that she used the word “Yes” and not “yeah” or “ok”, but specifically the word “yes”. It’s a weird detail to remember but it stuck with me because it seemed kind of formal. Not that it bothered me. Quite the opposite, actually. “Yes” seemed like the best possible answer.

Like I said before, it was a pretty huge thing for me to admit to Rene that I liked her and it had put me in a really weird situation, so it really was a big relief to get that message back and to know that we were still on the same page. I figured we’d just let things play out and see what happens.

Monday always comes around to spoil the weekend

Monday shows up too early as always and this one was particularly unwanted because it meant facing whatever assumptions my colleagues had made about the fact that I left the restaurant with Rene. And assume they did. I always got into work nice and early, about 7:30, so I could get out early to get to the shops and whatever, so I was at my desk before anyone else arrived for the day.

One by one they came in, each with the same insinuations about me having to worry about my job because I obviously had sex with the boss’s daughter and her dad would find out and fire me. Each time I had to explain that nothing untoward had happened, that Rene had fallen asleep on my couch and that was the full extent of the evening’s adventures. innocent Yeah, I was lying, but I was lying specifically because I’d been asked to by Rene. I don’t like lying. I don’t like secrets. I don’t like whispering. I don’t like gossip. I certainly don’t like having to intentionally mislead people I work with all day, every day, who I considered friends, but I’d been asked to, so I lied.

The news spread quickly that Rene had stayed over at my place and I started getting emails from the girls at the other office. I spent more time trying to politely disregard inquiries about my supposed sexual escapades with my boss’s daughter than working that morning. I was already stressed out with everything else. The last thing I wanted was to be the focal point of all that gossip. It’s not like I had any choice, though. After Mike had seen us walking back to Rene’s car there was little choice but to come up with an explanation and stick to it.

Rene’s parents were overseas

Someone had told me on Friday night that Tim Everlong and his wife were away for two weeks. That knowledge at least was one minor positive in what I was expecting to be an increasingly complex situation. If nothing else, at least I’d have a bit of time to let everything settle before they’d be back and asking questions. Or so I thought. wrong Rene’s parents may well have been away for two weeks but not long after lunch, as a complete surprise to me, Rene’s father Time Everlong comes strolling into the open plan office in which I worked. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that Tim was a very friendly bloke who would roam around chatting with us all and making jokes and generally being the sort of company owner that you dream of having. This unexpected visit was no exception, except that this time I was crapping my dacks expecting him to fire me any second, but he spent so much time joking around with everyone that I started to relax a bit.

Did everyone have a good Friday night?

The fact that he hadn’t spoken to me directly was a bit of a cause for concern but I started to assume he hadn’t heard anything and that it’d surface another day and I’d deal with it then. What a relief! At least that had worked out in my favour for now. After Tim had done his rounds of talking to every single person in that office except me, he headed towards the door not far from my desk. I figured he was about to leave.

Sure he hadn’t spoken to me personally but that was no big deal, totally just a coincidence, and frankly I would have been very uncomfortable trying to talk to him with full knowledge of what I’d gotten up to with his daughter over the weekend while he was none the wiser. But as Tim got the door he didn’t say goodbye, as anticipated. No. Instead, Tim turned and looked at me directly for the first time that visit and said in a very loud voice,

“So, did everyone have a good Friday night?”

The entire room went silent. Every eye in the place was aimed directly at me, including Tim’s, who were locked on mine, which had instantly widened to the size of saucers. I’m not sure how long passed as the owner of the company I worked for, who was under the impression that I’d fucked his little princess’s brains out a few days prior, eyeballed me, but it felt like about a decade or so. Tim eventually turned away and walked out through the open doorway.

SMH

A pregnant pause had consumed the entire place and brought with it an ominous silence.  That silence was broken by the thump of my forehead against my desk. headdesk Milliseconds after the sound of my noggin colliding with my grey, generic office desk had reverberated through that  office, the whole place erupted with laughter so raucous I was surprised the windows didn’t blow out. laughing-at I sat and shook my head while the whole office laughed their arses off at me. I was the unwilling star of a sit-com and my colleagues were providing the laugh track. mj-smh

Next time…

So that was how Monday went, I’ll be back to tell you how the rest of that ridiculous week played out. Trust me, this is only the start of my personal sit-com hell.

Seduction

3 Mar

Chen Lizra is a very cool, very sexy, very interesting woman.

In this TED Talk, she discusses seduction. It’ll take you about 13 minutes to get through it, and I reckon it’s well worth a watch.

I’ve got to admit, when I first saw the title of this video, I assumed the worst.

I assumed Ms Lizra was going to be teaching women the equivalent of what “Pick Up Artists” teach men, and I think Pick Up Artists are massive douches who have studied how to manipulate women’s emotions in order to take advantage of them, so that wasn’t a good start. But in this talk Ms Lizra makes some really interesting points about seduction, which I hadn’t considered before.

By the end of the talk, I started to think there’s nothing wrong with seduction, and I started thinking Ms Lizra was kinda awesome. I think it’s an excellent thing to teach people to be confident in themselves and to chase after what they really want, and if seduction helps along that path, let it be another tool in the shed.

Maybe that was just because Ms Lizra managed to seduce me, too. I don’t know, but I did enjoy that this video and it helped open my perspective of seduction, and I appreciate that.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to post this video is to point out that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with seducing people, but I do think there’s something wrong with seducing people purely for your own entertainment.

I reckon one of the key differences between a woman and a crazy bitch is understanding when it’s appropriate and inappropriate to use your skills of seduction.

A normal woman, for example, might intentionally seduce the man (or woman) she’s interested in, or the person she’s currently involved with. A crazy bitch might try to seduce every guy she meets purely because she likes the attention.

A normal woman might flirt with the guy she likes, to let him know she’s interested in him. A crazy bitch might flirt with the guy she thinks is a complete loser, just to get him to do something for her.

I’m going to assume that you get my point. The big difference between the two sides of the fence is intention. Being seductive is a powerful thing. When you’re powerful, you have to be careful about how you use that power.

Crazy bitch tip: If you’re fortunate enough to be seductive, only use it when your intentions are genuine, and don’t just go around having fun at the expense of others.

Princess Rene

9 Sep

The word Princess

What do you think of when you think of a princess? Class? Elegance? Grace?

princess_grace

Princess Grace, of Monaco. Doing the being a princess thing right.

I guess Princess Grace is a bit old fashioned compared to our modern world. Times have changed, after all. I mean, here’s Princess Mary. A totally different story, right?

Princess Mary, of Denmark. Also doing the being a princess thing right.

Princess Mary, of Denmark. Also doing the being a princess thing right.

Oh. She’s actually classy, graceful, elegant and demure also. Hrmm. It appears there are certain traits that will always be associated with those ladies bestowed with the title ‘Princess’.

Strangely, I notice that one of those traits is not screaming at men to punch themselves in the balls.

“Pardon?”, I hear you ask.

I’ve noticed that women who give themselves the title of ‘Princess’ tend to not really possess the honorable and admirable traits mentioned above. In general, I’d have to say that most women who decide for themselves that they’re a princess, are usually, kinda classless, horrible, crazy bitches. I’m not saying that if you called yourself a princess when you were a little girl that you were an awful little monster. Of course not! You were a kid playing kid games and using your imagination to pretend you were someone wonderful and glamorous! What I’m talking about are fully grown women who go around calling themselves a princess when they’re not.

Princess Rene

So I did a little research and found a prime example of crazy bitch who calls herself a princess. Allow me to introduce you all to ‘Princess’ Rene.

'Princess' Rene. Kind of the opposite of a real princess.

‘Princess’ Rene. Kind of the opposite of a real princess.

Clearly, princess Rene has all the outward components of an attractive woman. Unfortunately, I suspect our dear Rene here is verging on mentally ill, and I say that because I have seen a video of her ‘at work’. I’m going to post the video below but let me first say that this video is targeting an adult demographic and it’s going to get weird. I’m telling you this ahead of time because getting caught watching this video is going to be tough to explain to your boss, or your mum, or, well, anyone. Anyway, take it away Rene…

Let’s just take a minute and consider that, huh?

“My lips are natural and gorgeous and lips that women pay thousands of dollars to achieve.” – princess Rene

“That’s right loser. You’re going to feel some pain for me.” – princess Rene

“In order to get your first kiss from me, I want you to take your hand and make a fist AND PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING BALLS” – princess Rene

“Is this fun for you? Cos it’s fun for me!” – princess Rene

“Look at you. You would do anything for me wouldn’t you, you fucking bitch” – princess Rene

“You would do anything for meeeeee. And why wouldn’t you? I’m fucking perfect. I’m amazing. I’m gorgeousssss.” – princess Rene

“I want you to do one last ball-punch” – princess Rene

The charming princess Rene.

The charming princess Rene.

I’m not going to pretend there aren’t guys out there that are attracted to ‘bitchy’ girls like this but I can tell you that I’m not one of those guys. I can also tell you that any guy that is attracted to women like this has some issues that might be worth dealing with. Seeing that we’re on How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch though, I’m going to focus more on the pink-lingerie clad, little nut-bar we’ve just watched scream into a video camera of some sort for few minutes with the intention of getting men to punch themselves in the balls over her.

More than meets the eye

What strikes me as interesting about Rene is that she is playing out the natural extension of a certain type of woman, that type being the attractive but very insecure girl. If you spoke with Rene (or whatever her real name is) about this video, she’d tell you she’s just playing a role, just pretending, that she’s only doing this silly stuff because it’s a way to make easy money. But I’d call bullshit on that, because someone as physically attractive as Rene here, could be making money hand over fist in a bunch of different ways because, let’s face it, men are pretty quick to hand over money when a good looking woman is around.

Nope. Rene here is absolutely into what she’s doing. She’s getting her jollies knowing that she has a power over guys. I’ve run into girls like this. I guarantee you that Rene will treat any man who shows interest in her like he’s a worthless piece of shit but she knows deep down she doesn’t really have any power, and that’s why the guy who ignores her is the one she’s going to chase. Of course, she’ll only chase him until he actually shows that he’s interested in her, at which point she will immediately relegate him to the rank of loser in her head and lose all interest in him.

Girls like Rene spend their whole lives ‘testing’ men by treating them like absolute shit, and the only guys they’re interested in are the guys who don’t give a shit about them because those guys don’t react to her bullshit. It’s ironic because girls like Rene end up throwing themselves at the guys who don’t care about them specifically because those guys don’t care about them, and then they complain about the fact that those guys don’t care about them. Then, to make themselves feel better, they abuse their power over other men in order to return the pain and suffering they felt at being rejected or ignored.

Don’t be like Rene

Think about it like this: If Rene here were really as confident and happy as she would like us to believe, would she really be stuck filming herself on a computer in a random, empty bedroom? Wouldn’t she at least have a cameraman?

Everything about Rene’s behaviour in the video screams to me that she’s a spoiled little kid who never matured into adulthood. She’s fueled by her joy of abusing the natural power her physique gives her and comes across to me as a vapid, self-centred, sadistic, angry little sociopath who is very confused about her position within the world. Do you think Rene sits back at the end of a long day filming “punch yourself in the balls” videos and thinks to herself, “I’m really living a fulfilling life of pure joy and satisfaction”? I doubt it.

Look, if you won the genetic lottery and as the result you’re an attractive young woman, please don’t waste your time playing stupid, pointless, hurtful power-games. You won’t get what you really want out of it, all you’ll do is cause yourself and a bunch of other people a shitload of unnecessary suffering. Look at what the truly happy people in the world do… they treat each other with respect and consideration and they certainly don’t intentionally inflict suffering or test each other for vulnerabilities.

I’m in my mid thirties now and I’ve seen a lot of the girls that were really good looking when we were growing up somehow fuck themselves out of finding deep and meaningful relationships with good, genuine men because they couldn’t get past this immature urge to play power games. Don’t make that mistake because I’ve seen those same girls start throwing themselves at anything that even remotely resembles a man when their biological clocks start ticking and the crows feet start settling in, and it ain’t pretty.

Crazy bitch tip: Give the power games a break and try actually doing things that lead to happiness instead.

 

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