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Origins #16

21 Jun

Monday had been more dramatic than I would have liked, but I made it through. I thought what had happened with her father making it very clear he knew she’d spent the night at my place was fair enough. If anything, it was reasonably gentle given what I assumed he believed happened.

It wasn’t ideal to have everyone gossiping about me and constantly sending through jokes and mocking me by email and in person, but I could handle it, and I figured it’d be worth it in the long run. Technically speaking, Rene and I didn’t get up to that much, so I wasn’t lying too severely, and I assumed everyone would get over it in a few days anyway and that’d be it.

Radio silence comes to an end

I hadn’t communicated with Rene since our sms conversation about going out. We’d planned to catch up Wednesday night and figure out the details during the day beforehand.

In the meantime, I’d started getting optimistic about seeing Rene. It had occurred to me that it would all have to be under-the-radar. That added an aspect of naughtiness, cheekiness and fun to it. I’d been wanting to get out to more movies and shows and suddenly I had the chance to do exactly that with someone I really liked.

It was such a great opportunity to have the chance to get to know someone I’d been crushing on for a long time, while knowing that it had to stay chilled out for a fair while because it’s such a weird situation. I expected that Rene and I would end up sleeping with each other, and I was of course looking forward to that, but I had no plans to rush the physical side of things because I figured if Tim Everlong were to find out his daughter had been seeing one of his employees, it’d better be extremely obvious that it was clear there was genuine interest there, and not just a casual sexual relationship.

Great Expectations

I was definitely optimistic, but I didn’t have any long term expectations. I just wanted to let it play out.

I was excited that I liked her and that she liked me. Sadly enough, that was the first time in my life that I’d had a situation where both parties seemed to be on the same level of interest. I didn’t think that meant it would go anywhere, I just thought it’d be cool to experience that at long last.

Maybe we’d get to know each other and the spark would fizzle out, or maybe things would progress. I remember thinking, “Whatever, no point worrying about any of that shit now. Just go out a few times and see how that goes.”

So, yeah, I was excited and optimistic and thought it’d be fun. Regardless of any potential future, at least I’d be spending time with someone I was genuinely interested in. Above that, I was stoked that I’d have a partner in crime. That I might finally be able to end up having so much fun out of work that I could forget all the pressure Gus had been putting me under at work.

Optimism is for suckers

If I recall correctly, it was about 2pm on the Tuesday of that week as I sat at my desk at work when I received a message from Rene. It was a bit of a surprise to get a message from her. I was in for even more of a surprise when I looked at the message itself. It was a very, very long sms. It was so long that I had to scroll repeatedly to get through the whole thing. I don’t remember exactly what it said verbatim, but I’ll try and paraphrase it so you get the gist:

Hey, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think we should go out. I’ve been going through so much lately and everything’s so complicated and I don’t think now’s a good time and I just don’t think it’s a good idea. What do you think?

I know, I know. My version is quite a bit shorter than you’d expect from my description. Look, I remember that it was a very long message and remember the gist of it, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to extend it into the epic message I remember receiving. I wish I still had the damned thing so I could do a better job of reciting it.

You’ll just have to trust me that it was that basic sentiment, stretched wayyyyyy out.

I should have seen that coming

I didn’t get to look at that message when it came through because I was really, really busy. With all the time I was spending putting out gossip fires with all the emails that were coming at me from every second person at Everlong about Rene staying at my place, I was seriously struggling to keep up with my already ridiculous workload. That meant it was probably 15 minutes before I’d even had a chance to open the message.

I think another reason I didn’t get to it immediately was because there was a “that might not be a good surprise” kind of randomness to it. After I’d gotten through reading the whole thing, my immediate reaction was to think to myself, “Shoulda seen that coming.”

There was no big emotional response. I felt a bit let down but I was so busy there wasn’t time for emotions. I typed in my response, “Sounds like you’ve already decided.” but I knew that Rene probably spent ages composing her message and stressing about sending it, and then waiting and worrying about my response, so I deleted it and instead, I sent:

I got your message. I can’t reply now because I’m at work. I’ll reply properly after work.

It was already a very complex scenario for me, so I thought it best not to reply without thinking about it and I hoped sending that message through would be better than leaving her hanging until I got home, which just seemed mean to me.

Thinking it over

Like I said, I was busy. I was very, very, very busy. Even just thinking about it now makes my shoulders tighten up and my jaw clench. Between being flat out, trying to quell the tide of gossip and trying not to think about Tim Everlong potentially firing me, that afternoon dragged on like a summer afternoon in the Arctic Circle.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like Rene was just scared. Unfortunately, however, I didn’t know what she thought was so complicated. I figured it couldn’t just be that I worked for her father, I mean, she obviously would have thought about that before ever hitting on me, so I assumed it must be other things I wasn’t aware of.

If it had been any other girl, I would have just said something like, “I like you and I want to spend time with you. I think you’re just scared but I can’t decide for you. Let me know what you decide.”

But this wasn’t just any girl. I was already in way deeper than I would be with any other girl. As far as I was concerned, I’d taken a massive leap of faith for Rene and I was clearly going to be paying for it, so I’d better find out what was actually going on from her side of things. My thinking was that we’d already done the hardest part, the rest would be relatively easy.

It wasn’t just that, either. There are some things about how I grew up that meant that Rene pulling the plug could potentially open up some old wounds. Reopening those old wounds was something I’d been avoiding my entire life. That provided additional encouragement for me to actually do something rather than just letting it go.

When I finally got home from work I replied something similar to:

I understand that you’re stressed out and I get that it’s complicated, but sometimes complicated things can work out really well. I think it’s worthwhile having a go. I find this stuff really hard to do by sms. Can we meet up and talk about it at least?

Next time…

I’ll tell you what Rene’s reply was to my suggestion that we meet up to talk it over.

Origins #15

19 Jun

Picking up where I left off, I was figuring out the best way to ask out my boss’s daughter after she’d spent the night at my place. Look, to be completely honest, I can’t remember if I asked Rene out on the Sunday evening or waited ’til Monday. I think it was Sunday but gimme a break ok, it was nearly 5 years ago.

Actually, part of the reason I’m trying to write this all down is so I’ve got a half accurate version of the events that took place before I forget them all. The tough part is that it was a downright awful experience to go through, so it’s not exactly fun trying to remember it in fine detail. Anyway…

Time to ask Rene out

Unlike her sister Laura, Rene didn’t work at Everlong, so I wouldn’t be seeing her in person anytime soon. I guess I could have called her, but we’d never called each other before and after the somewhat dramatic turn of events the weekend had become, I wasn’t inclined to fall into a super awkward conversation on the phone. I instead went the SMS route. I spent a bit of time thinking about what to write, but in the end I just said exactly what I was thinking. It was something like:

Hey, wanna catch up sometime this week? Friday got a bit full on, so I reckon we find something nice and chill to do and just hang out.

Then came the always fun waiting for the response phase of the sms communication medium. I have at times stressed out like crazy while waiting for a response to a message like that, but I don’t think I was that stressed about this one. I figured that after Rene literally demanded that I ask her out, the odds were in my favour. Even if she said no, that would be a way out of a hugely complex situation anyway, so it was kinda win, win.

The response is in

Pretty quickly after sending my message to Rene, my phone uttered that classic Nokia sms received tone. Rene’s response was in: Yes. Sounds good. How about Wednesday night? Hey, hey! That was what I wanted to hear. Straight forward. Easy. No fuss. No confusion. Fantastic! And there I was fretting about it being a big deal and making what was already an extremely complicated time in my life even more complicated. Phew! excellent I can’t claim that is 100% exactly what Rene sent, but I remember very clearly that she used the word “Yes” and not “yeah” or “ok”, but specifically the word “yes”. It’s a weird detail to remember but it stuck with me because it seemed kind of formal. Not that it bothered me. Quite the opposite, actually. “Yes” seemed like the best possible answer.

Like I said before, it was a pretty huge thing for me to admit to Rene that I liked her and it had put me in a really weird situation, so it really was a big relief to get that message back and to know that we were still on the same page. I figured we’d just let things play out and see what happens.

Monday always comes around to spoil the weekend

Monday shows up too early as always and this one was particularly unwanted because it meant facing whatever assumptions my colleagues had made about the fact that I left the restaurant with Rene. And assume they did. I always got into work nice and early, about 7:30, so I could get out early to get to the shops and whatever, so I was at my desk before anyone else arrived for the day.

One by one they came in, each with the same insinuations about me having to worry about my job because I obviously had sex with the boss’s daughter and her dad would find out and fire me. Each time I had to explain that nothing untoward had happened, that Rene had fallen asleep on my couch and that was the full extent of the evening’s adventures. innocent Yeah, I was lying, but I was lying specifically because I’d been asked to by Rene. I don’t like lying. I don’t like secrets. I don’t like whispering. I don’t like gossip. I certainly don’t like having to intentionally mislead people I work with all day, every day, who I considered friends, but I’d been asked to, so I lied.

The news spread quickly that Rene had stayed over at my place and I started getting emails from the girls at the other office. I spent more time trying to politely disregard inquiries about my supposed sexual escapades with my boss’s daughter than working that morning. I was already stressed out with everything else. The last thing I wanted was to be the focal point of all that gossip. It’s not like I had any choice, though. After Mike had seen us walking back to Rene’s car there was little choice but to come up with an explanation and stick to it.

Rene’s parents were overseas

Someone had told me on Friday night that Tim Everlong and his wife were away for two weeks. That knowledge at least was one minor positive in what I was expecting to be an increasingly complex situation. If nothing else, at least I’d have a bit of time to let everything settle before they’d be back and asking questions. Or so I thought. wrong Rene’s parents may well have been away for two weeks but not long after lunch, as a complete surprise to me, Rene’s father Time Everlong comes strolling into the open plan office in which I worked. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that Tim was a very friendly bloke who would roam around chatting with us all and making jokes and generally being the sort of company owner that you dream of having. This unexpected visit was no exception, except that this time I was crapping my dacks expecting him to fire me any second, but he spent so much time joking around with everyone that I started to relax a bit.

Did everyone have a good Friday night?

The fact that he hadn’t spoken to me directly was a bit of a cause for concern but I started to assume he hadn’t heard anything and that it’d surface another day and I’d deal with it then. What a relief! At least that had worked out in my favour for now. After Tim had done his rounds of talking to every single person in that office except me, he headed towards the door not far from my desk. I figured he was about to leave.

Sure he hadn’t spoken to me personally but that was no big deal, totally just a coincidence, and frankly I would have been very uncomfortable trying to talk to him with full knowledge of what I’d gotten up to with his daughter over the weekend while he was none the wiser. But as Tim got the door he didn’t say goodbye, as anticipated. No. Instead, Tim turned and looked at me directly for the first time that visit and said in a very loud voice,

“So, did everyone have a good Friday night?”

The entire room went silent. Every eye in the place was aimed directly at me, including Tim’s, who were locked on mine, which had instantly widened to the size of saucers. I’m not sure how long passed as the owner of the company I worked for, who was under the impression that I’d fucked his little princess’s brains out a few days prior, eyeballed me, but it felt like about a decade or so. Tim eventually turned away and walked out through the open doorway.


A pregnant pause had consumed the entire place and brought with it an ominous silence.¬† That silence was broken by the thump of my forehead against my desk. headdesk Milliseconds after the sound of my noggin colliding with my grey, generic office desk had reverberated through that¬† office, the whole place erupted with laughter so raucous I was surprised the windows didn’t blow out. laughing-at I sat and shook my head while the whole office laughed their arses off at me. I was the unwilling star of a sit-com and my colleagues were providing the laugh track. mj-smh

Next time…

So that was how Monday went, I’ll be back to tell you how the rest of that ridiculous week played out. Trust me, this is only the start of my personal sit-com hell.

Do not call your current boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

13 Apr A text sent from a crazy girlfriend to her boyfriend's ex girlfriend

You can know for sure that it’s a terrible idea when you’re planning to include information such as how much better your vagina is than her vagina, or how far his genitals are inside of your genitals. Generally speaking if the conversation will revolve around sex, or include the word ‘bitch’, it’s highly unlikely that it’s a good call to make, unless of course you want people to think of you as a crazy bitch.

Crazy bitch tip: Nothing good can come of calling your current boyfriend’s ex girlfriend/s

That escalated quickly

11 May

Crazy bitch tip: everything you send to people via text can be shown to other people, or worse yet, be put on the internet until the end of time.


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