Tag Archives: thinking

Origins #14

15 Apr

I was in recovery mode after spending the night with my boss’s daughter.

I don’t remember exactly what I did for the rest of the day after Rene dropped me home. I do remember that my hangover felt something akin to being a frog trying to swim through a washing machine and was demanding my full attention. My consideration and evaluation of the complexities of the situation with had to wait until my liver and kidneys did their part.

Goodbye, Saturday

When I was feeling a little more human again I started to consider the situation. It was a tough spot.

I was already dealing with so much else and the potential drama inherent in getting involved with the boss’s daughter was only going to add to the other stress I was dealing with. On the other hand, I’d liked Rene for a long time and I was absolutely stoked that we’d finally gotten past all the bullshit and gotten it out in the open that we were attracted to each other.

I don’t think I dwelt on it all much throughout that Saturday. I probably watched v8supercars or stared mindlessly at episodes of The IT Crowd, or Community, or Lost, or Breaking Bad, or whatever else I was binge watching at the time. I was no doubt doing my level best to distract myself from what I was going to have to deal with sooner or later, even if I didn’t realise that at the time.

Saturday came and went and nothing happened. My impression of a vegetable continued right through until bedtime, at which point I drifted into the arms of slumber once more hoping that I’d wake up into a world far less complex than the one I left when I closed my eyes.

Sunday, thoughtful Sunday

Sunday arrived a lot more gently than Saturday had. I was feeling like myself again and had accepted that today was the day I was going to figure out what to do about the situation with Rene. I hadn’t contacted her Saturday, so I figured I’d better send something through.

The problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I had to figure out if I actually wanted to go ahead with it. I knew that I’d told Rene that I’d ask her out but I was pretty smashed at the time and wasn’t exactly evaluating my decisions particularly well. I had to decide what I really wanted and what I wanted to do about it.

I lost most of that Sunday mulling it over.

thinkingI really liked her but there was no getting around the fact that her father was my boss, or that getting involved with Rene would get the gossip mill running itself into a frenzy the minute anyone heard. On the work front, I assumed that Gus would soon be ousted and we’d get back to the awesome working environment that I’d experienced before his arrival, and this thing with Rene was a risk that might stop things ever getting back to being easy and fun there like they used to be.

And there was also my proclivity to keep life as simple as possible. Getting involved with Rene was undoubtedly wrought with drama.

But I eventually acknowledged that those concerns were outdated seeing that I’d already gotten involved with Rene. There was no point pretending nothing had happened. We’d hooked up. We’d made it clear we were interested in each other. There was no undoing that, no going back. I was going to have to deal with whatever fallout came my way.

Having accepted that reality, I began evaluating the situation from a different perspective.

What if I think of her as Rene and not just as my boss’s daughter?

Rene was a stunningly beautiful woman. She came from a tight-knit, caring, wealthy family. She was witty, funny, clever, sweet and was nearing the end of her law studies. Rene and her family were constantly participating in charitable events and had always appeared kind, compassionate, caring and sensible people. Rene had always struck me as a generous and charitable young woman in her own right. Looking at it from that perspective, I couldn’t deny that I was essentially debating weather or not I wanted to go out with the girl of my dreams. All of a sudden it seemed like a pretty stupid question.

The girl who I thought was utterly awesome had been so interested in me that she couldn’t help but cry over the fact that I hadn’t made a move on her. I took that to mean she was pretty keen on me. For the first time in my life, someone I thought was too good for me thought I was too good for her. Man, that’s the good stuff. That’s what people chase their whole lives. That’s the sort of thing you take a risk on.

And so I concluded I’d be a coward and a fool not to go ahead with asking Rene out.

It doesn’t have to be a big deal

I rationalised that it didn’t have to be a big deal anyway, not right away anyway. We could just hang out for a while and keep it quiet while we figured out how we got along. If everything went well we’d eventually have to come clean but I already had a good rapport with her family and assumed that if it was obvious I was genuinely interested in Rene, and was treating her well, they wouldn’t necessarily be against me being with her. I got a bit optimistic and wondered if they might even like the idea.

We’d already gotten past what usually happens in the first few dates, we’d just done it all in one night. I remember thinking that was pretty cool because it took a lot of the stress out of it, but I thought it best that if I was going to play the ‘under the radar’ game, we’d better keep things a bit less hands on at the start. I could handle Tim Everlong finding out I was seeing his daughter without him knowing, but I figured getting properly intimate with her could wait until we figured out what we were actually doing.

So that left me with exactly what I’d been looking for: a woman I was properly interested in who I could spend time with doing fun things. Nothing serious, just a cruisy situation where we could get together and go out to dinners and see movies and shows and whatever else we felt like doing. If it progressed from there, that’d be awesome. If it didn’t, whatever, no dramas, we wouldn’t have to tell anyone about it. We could avoid the all drama until there was a situation in which the drama would be justified. It was a win-win situation.

Ask her out already

So I’d figured all that out, and all I had to do was ask Rene out.

Yeah… um… that should have been an easy thing to do, right? Turns out that trying to find the right words was far from simple and there’s that “wait three days” rule thing, so I pussied out and decided to wait for Monday instead. Judge me all you want. It was a fucking tough situation.

At least I knew what I was going to do.

Back soon

OK, so that may not have been the most exciting post but it is somewhat important to the overall story. Things will start sparking up again in the next post.

Origins #5

2 Jan

I’d just turned 31 and was settling back into life after a big holiday.

Life wasn’t exactly what I’d expected but I thought I was in a fairly good situation given where I’d started. I’ll tell you more about why having a decent job and a shitty little apartment counted as doing pretty well to me when I explain how I grew up, but that can wait for now. Anyway, I’d just hit 31 and started thinking about where my life was at. I’d also just hooked up with an attractive woman who was 9 years older than me and fallen into a friends-with-benefits relationship with her.

Cougar town

It was pretty cruisy. I don’t think we ever even went out for a meal together. Angelica would come around to my place late-night, 2 or 3 times a week. We’d have some fun and that was that. I don’t think either of us were under any illusions that it would go anywhere. From a sexual experience perspective, it was perfect for me. Angelica was experienced enough to know what she was doing and adult enough to not be self-conscious. I was experienced enough to keep up, but I still learned a few new things along the way as well.

I wish there were more women in the world like Angelica.

Gus oozes on

Back on the work front, I was just trying to weather the idiot storm until something or someone brought some change to the situation.

Gus, the project manager who had loaded so much stress on my shoulders in the previous year continued to do a poor job as a manager. We thought Gus was being pressured by Tim Everlong to get our division to be more productive. The impression Gus gave us was that our division was hanging in the balance, potentially ready to be shut down, so we had to work like crazy for a little while (already over a year) to make sure we all kept our jobs.

Unfortunately for those of us who worked below him, we didn’t realise what Gus was really up to.

One of the methods Gus would use to ‘inspire’ us was pinning a printed out image of a flounder (that’s right, the fish) to the desk of whoever he decided had been floundering. Floundering in this case was meant to suggest that you weren’t doing enough work. So you’d come into work, already dejected just to have to be there, and after days of bashing your head against a brick wall in an effort to achieve some ridiculous, pointless, and often impossible work request and discover that fucking printed picture of a flounder on your desk. I don’t think I’m easily affected by things like that but when you’re already stressed and frustrated, copping an insult on your desk for everyone else to see is a pretty gut-wrenching thing. I certainly didn’t like it, but it hit other staff even harder. One lady started speaking very, very loudly about how offensive it was and I’m certain that I saw more than one other staff member cry as a result of seeing that flounder on their desk.

Seriously! Who does this shit? How is that supposed to positively improve an already declining office morale?

Unqualified

I remember going into Gus’ office one time and catching him listening to project management podcasts. I thought he was listening to them to keep himself up-to-date but he proceeds to tell me that he doesn’t have any project management qualifications, and he’s trying to catch up on that.

That explained a few things.

Actually, that explained a lot. An incompetent manager is a very dangerous thing, but Gus wasn’t just incompetent, he was controlling and manipulative. I didn’t realise that at the time because he was so bad at his job. I just thought he was incapable of managing things well. I wish I’d been paying more attention to him and had picked up the fact that he had a little plan of his own that he was slowly implementing.

Time marches on

Work was shit but I was going out for heaps of dinners and innumerable drinking sessions and that was a great way to help me stop thinking about how shit work had become. Angelica was making regular visits at the time as well and what we were getting up to was another good way to just be in the moment.

At the back of my mind, it had dawned on me that I should start thinking a bit more about where I want to be in life, and what I need to do to work towards that. While everything I was doing outside of work was fun, it was temporary. Aside from some happy memories there was nothing left of it afterwards. I think that’s what your 20s is for, and because I’d spent my 20s running my own business, I missed out on a lot of that. I guess I was trying to catch up a bit but it was mostly just a way to distract myself from the difficulties I’d been dealing with at work.

I know it sounds like I’m bitching about the job I had. The job was only shit because of Gus. I really loved working with my colleagues. I loved that I could walk to work from my place and I loved that I got paid a good wage. It really was just how terrible a job Gus was doing that was making the job so unbearable.

A little ray of sunshine

One little ray of light in my workday was chatting with Laura Everlong in the morning everyday. I didn’t know exactly what was happening but I felt like we were becoming closer. There was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but I knew she was being more open with me. I was getting the vibe that Laura wasn’t with her boyfriend anymore, even though she mentioned him often.

It’s difficult to convert that vibe into words. I just knew there was something changing there, and I liked it. I liked Laura a lot. I was pretty good at not allowing myself to get too much of a crush on her but I admired her and thought of her as a rare mix of soft, elegant, strong, and beautiful.

Messages start coming

At the same time, I started receiving text messages from Rene Everlong. I didn’t give her my phone number, so that was a bit interesting in itself, but they were tame little messages so I didn’t think too much of it. She’d tell me how she’s training for a fun-run, or that she saw me crossing at some traffic lights, or whatever.

Whenever a message came through from her, I’d smile and think “She’s such a goofball”. I liked her and I liked that she was messaging me but I didn’t want any trouble so I was always only cautiously courteous in my replies. Rene had also taken to emailing me at my work email address. The emails were getting longer and more friendly as the weeks went by after the work party.

Between the emails, text messages and random facebook stuff I was probably talking to Rene 4 or 5 times a week. On top of that, she’d often stop by at my office building for a chat because she worked so close by and her sister ran our office. Looking back, it’s easy to see there was an escalation of communication between Rene and me. The messages were increasingly friendly and personal. They were coming through more and more often. There were little hints about times and places of where she’d be and what she’d be doing.

Even with all the communication, I still had it in my head that if Rene wanted to go out with me, she could ask, otherwise, nothing was going to happen.

What I wanted at that time

Turning 31 had made me think about things and the most important insight that came out of that was that I didn’t want to waste my time. I was having fun with Angelica and I was having fun in my social life but I was also conscious that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life just drifting around.

I’d always known deep down inside that everything would work out. I’d always had a confidence that I can’t really explain. I just knew I would get what I wanted. After turning 30 and realising that things hadn’t yet panned out however, doubt had started to creep in.

Doubt is an extraordinarily dangerous thing. I’ve always been a ‘go with the flow’ sort of guy but that little bit of doubt had pushed me to decided I better start making things happen. I figured that if I didn’t start pushing for the things I wanted, I might never get them. I was still confident I’d get what I wanted out of life, but I was trying to take on board the sentiment that you don’t get what you want unless you make things happen for yourself.

What making things happen meant to me by that point was finding a nice girl who I had a real connection with, and have some fun going out to dinners and shows with her. To me the long term wasn’t so important, I figured being with a girl who I was really into was the most important part and I could figure the rest of it out later.

I had enough money rolling in that I could afford to show someone a good time and still cover my mortgage, and I wanted to share my time with someone in a more intimate way than what had been happening with Angelica. As fun as that was, I was after an emotional connection.

Passing thoughts

I wasn’t hung up on any of this stuff. It was there in the back of my mind but I wasn’t thinking about it very much. I was more focused on getting by and trying to enjoy life. I still assumed things would work out if I just play it smart and do what I should do.

Despite feeling a bit doubtful about some things, I was feeling very confident about others. I was managing to find ingenious solutions to the ridiculous bullshit Gus was asking for. I was getting a lot of interest from women too, and not just women I knew. Women were flirting with me everywhere I went and I was feeling very, very confident as a result.

I guess the fact that I’d lost 20kg in the previous 2 years was helping, and all the positive attention I’d been getting had given me a bit of a swagger in my step. All I needed to do was to get the situation with Gus sorted out, find a cool girl, and life would be glorious.

And along came September

I mentioned how everything was escalating with Rene. It wasn’t just with her. It was with Laura, with work, with my social life, my self-reflection, it was everything. My whole life was ramping up towards something.

And that leads me to September 2010, the month my boss’s daughter stayed the night at my place. I’ll tell you about that next time.

Crazy bitch tip: Think about what other people are going through before you dump your crazy shit on them and expect them to solve it all for you.

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