Tag Archives: too much

There is such a thing as too tanned, we call it burned.

27 May

tanned to crispCrazy bitch tip: If your beauty regime causes people to suspect you’re being burnt alive, it’s time to back it off a bit.

Snog, Marry, Avoid

1 Feb

Some women go overboard with their ‘style’. Snog, Marry, Avoid is an effort to resolve that.

Crazy bitch tip: When your own children are telling you you’re wearing a bit too much make up, you might want to listen to them.

Origins #3

3 Dec

So, to continue on from origins #2… after all that stress I was really looking forward to Europe.

If you’ve never been to Europe and the opportunity comes up, go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

An international escape

I’d always dreamed of seeing Italy and France and Germany and all the other amazingly beautiful locations in Europe. The reason I decided on Europe specifically was that I’d already been to America in 2006, to Britain in 2008 (with a brief taste of Paris) and had realised that I didn’t want to die without seeing Venice, so I decided I’d better go there next.

It's difficult to be stressed out in Venice

It’s difficult to be stressed out in Venice.

I wanted to get the best bang for my buck that I could, so I’d jumped onto a Contiki tour. A Contiki tours is basically a big party that happens to take place on a bus as it travels through some of the most beautiful destinations on Planet Earth. Contiki’s are a right of passage for Australians. If I remember correctly, well over half of the tour group were Aussies and everyone was ready to go off like a frog in a sock.

What the hell does any of this have to do with the boss’s daughter?

Absolutely nothing. That’s sort of the point. I didn’t think about either of my boss’s daughters the entire time I was away. I barely thought about work at all, and when I did it, it was not in a good way. After the first week, work, and everything else to do with ‘home’ was a long forgotten past that was completely drowned out by the fun I was having every day.

Misadventures in alcohol

I had a lot of fun with a lot of cool people in a lot of beautiful places, but I drank too much on my Contiki tour. I wasn’t alone. One guy drank so much beer he get a yeast infection in his armpits from literally sweating beer all day everyday. There were many mornings where the whole bus was echoing the words “I’m never drinking again” but by lunchtime we were all looking for pubs.

I was on that tour for 28 days and I reckon I was completely sober for maybe 4 of them. I lose my inhibitions when I drink, and that can be an issue. Sometimes I forget what happened when I was drinking, and wake up certain I’ve offended everyone and that I’m the worst human to have ever lived. This tends to take the fun out of waking up with a beautiful woman.

I tend to have no problem making friends in tightly packed social environments like a tour bus, and it’s not like I was a pariah on this Contiki, but I was struggling more than usual. I wasn’t connecting with people as much and I didn’t realise it at the time but I was just too stressed out to be my normal social self, and all that alcohol was only making matters worse. Even though I wasn’t thinking about work, all the stress related to it had burrowed into me so deeply that I was still physically stressed even when I wasn’t thinking about it, but I had no idea that’s what was going on.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I honestly had the trip of a lifetime and made some really good friends, but I drank way too much and acted like a goose sometimes. Turns out I drank so much that when I came back, I started getting withdrawals. So… alcoholism is a thing and apparently can hit you within just 6 weeks of heavy drinking. I don’t recommend it.

You can’t go home again

You can’t just spend 6 summery weeks with awesome people, doing whatever the hell you want as you drunkenly wander through Europe’s most beautiful cities, and then slot back into a never-ending winter while working in a dreary little office for an angry little troll. It just doesn’t work!

All that living reminds you that there’s a whole fucking world out there to enjoy. And all that socialising reminds you that there are actually people in the world who know how to have fun! Do you remember what it’s like to have fun!

These are dangerous things to be reminded of when you’re having a tough time at work. These thoughts were in direct contrast with the project manager who wanted me to be his obedient little slave. I had pretty much forgotten about stress by the time I’d returned, and then this little tick was trying to suck all the life back out of me again. There are some people who just shouldn’t exist, and to my mind, Gus the project manager is one of them.

More to come

Obviously I didn’t tell you all that for no reason. It will become more apparent as we go on, I promise. The most important parts are that I didn’t think about Rene Everlong at all while I was away and that the stress from my job had gotten so bad that it was still impacting me even when I was running amok through Europe, even though I hadn’t realised that at the time.

Catch ya next time in Origins #4

Crazy bitch tip: If you want to get all your craziness and bitchiness out in a non-stop party, a Contiki is great way to go about it because everyone is so blotto they’ll barely even notice.

 

 

Can’t tell if crazy bitch, or dorito

12 Nov

Fashion is a personal preference but I’d suggest that it’s far better not to trigger this question in the minds of passer-bys…

Not sure if human... or dorito

See a few examples of what not to do below. See if you can pick the odd one out.

Crazy bitch tip: If there’s the chance you could be confused for an Oompa Loompa, your fake tan has gone too far.

Charity

31 Aug

Being charitable is a good thing, no matter what form you choose for your charitable efforts to take. It is however also true that in some instances, the suggested method of charity might raise more than a few eyebrows.

Some people mistakenly think that their charitable efforts should somehow relate to their vocation. For example, a bricklayer might think that the best way to offer assistance would be the offer of laying bricks. That’s an example in which the vocation might be a worthwhile contribution to the cause at hand. Other vocations like ‘blogger’, ‘movie critic’ or ‘bikini waxer’ might not be so beneficial. Let’s face it, if you’ve just experienced a tornado, hurricane, a flood, or some other monumental tragedy, you’re probably not going to get a lot out of a free opinion on the documentary being made about said tragedy.

That’s why, the more typical approach to being charitable in these situations is to donate some money to a reputable charity who will be assisting in helping those affected by the unfortunate circumstances. Part of the rationale behind that is that money is much more universally useful. Another reason, is that some pretty crazy offers come through in the name of charity…

I’m sure that most people immediately assume that all female porn stars are crazy bitches but I’m not one of them. I don’t think you can generalise like that. I do, however, believe that suggesting that you might offer some benefit to a bereaved man who’s daughter has passed away by dressing up as a schoolgirl and offering him your body for his own amusement, does make it difficult to argue against you being a crazy bitch.

I also concede that offering your asshole as a storage space to people going through a tragedy and combining that sentiment with ‘bless you’ is unarguably straight out of crazy bitchdom.

Crazy bitch tip: When it comes to charity, generally it’s not a great idea to offer sexual acts.

 

That escalated quickly

11 May

Crazy bitch tip: everything you send to people via text can be shown to other people, or worse yet, be put on the internet until the end of time.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Too much of a good thing

6 Apr

It’s fine if there’s something you do to feel a little more confident. It’s ok to wear a little extra make up, or wear a padded bra or have a little work done if that’s going to give you some peace of mind.

The thing is, there’s a point where it’s too much, and not being able to recognise that for yourself is a massive alarm bell that you’re suffering a bad case of the CBs…

20140406-231914.jpg

And…

20140406-232043.jpg

And…

20140406-232822.jpg

You see what I’m saying here? There’s a point where that good feeling takes you to a very bad place.

Crazy bitch tip: when you have to explain why it’s ok you’re doing that thing so much, it’s already too much.

Crazy bitch bonus tip: The more you try to fix that thing you don’t like about yourself, the more people are going to notice it. Leave it alone!

%d bloggers like this: