Tag Archives: train

Public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation

31 Dec

Alrighty. I would have thought it would be obvious that public transport is not an appropriate setting for masturbation, but every once in a while I’ll stumble onto a picture like this one on Reddit:


and these sorts of images remind me of two things.

  1. Some people either don’t realise they should not masturbate on public transport, or they literally can’t help themselves from doing so.
  2. Some people aren’t aware that they don’t have to sit quietly beside someone as they furiously masturbate in public and ignore it like nothing’s happening.

So, for those of you who didn’t yet know this… you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! Now, onto those of you who know you’re not supposed to masturbate on public transport but you do it anyway, go see a doctor and tell them that. They will be able to lead you towards either a psychologist or a psychiatrist who will attempt to treat you for that, because seriously, you’re not allowed to masturbate on public transport! even if you really, really want to.

As for point 2, I would to make this very clear to everyone here and now… you do not have to politely ignore that someone is jerkin their gherkin beside you!! You can get up and walk away, or politely ask them to stop, or contact the driver/conductor etc, or call the police, or security or whoever, but you don’t have to just put up with it!!

To me, putting up with someone giving themselves a pants party in the seat beside you is only slightly less crazy than actually being the person who’s decided the 7:30 train home should take a detour through pleasure town. There are times when you’re completely within your rights to yell at a stranger and I’d rate having my seat-mate start spanking their monkey is definitely on the list. I mean, you can start with a polite clearing of the throat first and progressively work your way up to a full fledged scream if you don’t want to run the risk of accidentally verbally abusing someone who has had an unexpected attack of ants biting their genitalia, but I’d suspect those false alarms are the exception rather than the rule.

Crazy bitch tip: If you or someone else is crazy enough to start masturbating on public transport, please take plenty of photos so the police have a lot of evidence to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Additional information

Incidentally, this is far from the first post on How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch about how to act on public transport. In previous posts, we have outlined some basic rules of public transport, and attempted to articulate why behaviours such as screaming at people, swearing at and/or attacking other passengers, or wearing a mermaid gimp-suit is considered poor form while traveling in a shared environment with strangers.

Here are some examples from those other posts.


A woman dressed head to toe in latex with flippers for feat and no eye or mouth holes.


People will assume you’re a crazy bitch if you speak like one

7 Jun

After this blonde banshee gets off the train to attack the man who so inconsiderately put his bag on the floor near her foot, and he slaps her square in the gob, even the women on the train respond by saying things like:

  • “She’s crazy!”
  • “She’s mental!”
  • “She’s actually attacking him!”
  • “She’s out of her mind!”
  • “He shouldn’t have obviously hit her, but…”

When people have seen a man smack you in the face and they still are focused on how you’re behaving, you’ve got to be doing something seriously wrong. Normally, people would dive in to defend the woman from the horrible man that would dare hit her, but not here! The whole train has evaluated the young woman as a crazy bitch. That’s next level right there.

Crazy bitch tip: Don’t swear at strangers. Don’t swear in public. Don’t attack strangers. Don’t chase after strangers who have already smacked you in the face.

6 simple rules of public transport

16 Apr

Here are 6 simple rule of public transport which you can follow to help ensure you don’t piss off an entire train carriage full of people:

  1. You get one seat.
  2. Wear shoes whenever boarding public transport.
  3. Keep your shoes on for the entire trip.
  4. Do not use extra seats, especially if others are standing.
  5. Do not put your feet on the seats.
  6. Do not negatively impact your fellow passengers’ trip.


Crazy bitch tip: do not act like the woman pictured above.

The right to free speech and the advantage of foresight

9 Nov

America is very proud of the right to “freedom of speech” and has been since it was built into the bill of rights as part of the constitution at its creation in 1787. You’ll often hear American’s proclaiming that they can say what they want under their right to freedom of speech, and that’s near enough to true but it confuses people.

I’m from Australia so I might not be 100% spot on here but I believe that under the American laws, you can say what you want (aside from threats and hate speech) but you still have to face consequences for what you’ve said. That might mean losing your job or getting kicked out of an organisation or whatever. Still, at least the citizens of America are entitled to say what’s on their mind if they so choose.

I wonder, however, if this sort of thing is what the founding fathers of America had in mind when they voted to include this right in their constitution…

That girl that is talking up a storm at the start of this video is making use of her right to freedom of speech, but she’s forgotten that you don’t get to go around mouthing off at people and smack them upside the head without the potential for a reprisal.

Personally, I don’t see much reason to go starting verbal battles on the train over someone’s choice of clothing. I don’t see any value to it. I don’t see any benefit to it. You’re already making the already mildly unpleasant experience of riding public transport worse by starting shit with a stranger.

When you go up and smack a phone out of someone’s hands, you should realise that the situation is getting worse, not better. When you smack a guy twice your size in the back of the head, you have to accept that this might not end well.

This is where foresight comes into it.

Do you realise that very few species are able to predict the future in the way humans can? It’s one of the greatest features of being human. It’s one of the key attributes which has allowed us to rise up and take control of this amazing little blue planet. It is what allows us to avoid harm and improve our prospects.

The instigator in this video is not making good use of foresight. She is instead, making use of her mouth and her hands to invade the space of quite a few people on that train. Foresight would tell someone not to mess with someone twice their size on a subway train in New York. Foresight would help you predict a potentially bad outcome from these events.

I don’t think that guy should have slapped her but that is a potential outcome when you go about hitting people, and she should’ve anticipated it rather than standing there astonished as that big open hand came blaring at her cheek.

I don’t know if the woman in the video is a crazy bitch. I do know that whole situation could have, and should have, been avoided.

Crazy bitch tip: think about what you’re doing and consider the potential ramifications of your behaviour before you act.

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