Tag Archives: wtf

wat?

6 Mar

hair nunchuksCrazy bitch tip: never go for hair nunchucks.

Charity

31 Aug

Being charitable is a good thing, no matter what form you choose for your charitable efforts to take. It is however also true that in some instances, the suggested method of charity might raise more than a few eyebrows.

Some people mistakenly think that their charitable efforts should somehow relate to their vocation. For example, a bricklayer might think that the best way to offer assistance would be the offer of laying bricks. That’s an example in which the vocation might be a worthwhile contribution to the cause at hand. Other vocations like ‘blogger’, ‘movie critic’ or ‘bikini waxer’ might not be so beneficial. Let’s face it, if you’ve just experienced a tornado, hurricane, a flood, or some other monumental tragedy, you’re probably not going to get a lot out of a free opinion on the documentary being made about said tragedy.

That’s why, the more typical approach to being charitable in these situations is to donate some money to a reputable charity who will be assisting in helping those affected by the unfortunate circumstances. Part of the rationale behind that is that money is much more universally useful. Another reason, is that some pretty crazy offers come through in the name of charity…

I’m sure that most people immediately assume that all female porn stars are crazy bitches but I’m not one of them. I don’t think you can generalise like that. I do, however, believe that suggesting that you might offer some benefit to a bereaved man who’s daughter has passed away by dressing up as a schoolgirl and offering him your body for his own amusement, does make it difficult to argue against you being a crazy bitch.

I also concede that offering your asshole as a storage space to people going through a tragedy and combining that sentiment with ‘bless you’ is unarguably straight out of crazy bitchdom.

Crazy bitch tip: When it comes to charity, generally it’s not a great idea to offer sexual acts.

 

Family guy examples

20 Jul

Asking out a 24 year old girl

This seems so exaggerated that it couldn’t possibly be real, right? False. It might be exaggerated but this is exactly what it’s like when you’re a guy trying to ask out a girl like this. I don’t know about other guys but for me, when I was asking a girl out, it wasn’t meant to be a game or deception or anything confusing, I was just asking her if she wanted to spend some time with me. This seemed to be completely lost on some girls though.

If a guy asks you out and you want to go out with him, say “Yes”. If a guy asks you out and you don’t want to go out with him, say “No thanks”. If you’re not sure if you want to go out with the guy, say “Yes” and figure it out by the end of the date.

There’s no reason to turn it into some big confusing pile of horseshit, and here’s some inside info from the guy’s side it pisses us off, confuses us and if you do a bad enough job, it can really hurt our feelings. There’s nothing more humiliating than finding out the girl you though was keen on you was just playing with you for some attention and there’s nothing more frustrating than finding out that the girl you really liked wanted to go out with you but was “playing hard to get”.

Pleas understand this. Men cannot read your mind. You might be playing hard to get while every other girl that guy has asked out was just not interested, how the hell is he supposed to know that when you say “No”, you actually meant “Please ask me again later to confirm for me that you’re really, really interested because I like playing weird little games with people instead of just saying what I actually mean.”?

Men: We don’t know what we did

And that brings me to the fact that us mere males have pretty much no idea what the hell you women are after most of the time.

This is an interesting little bit of animation here because when most guys watch this, they laugh at how crazy the girl is but when most girls watch it, they understand why the girl is upset. In case you didn’t get it, watch it again but keep this in mind… the girl is interested in the guy and she’s hoping that he’ll ask her to walk with him to the next class they both have together, the guy is of course, completely unaware of this and his non-nonchalant “Seeya there” is seen by the girl as a rejection and thus, humiliated, she runs away. Her friend is then furious at Mr Oblivious for hurting the young lady’s feelings.

I’ve been through this one too. Actually, I’ve been through this one a LOT. Let me point out yet again that men have no mind reading super powers, no matter how much you might wish we did. When girls act like this, they expect guys to be paying attention to all their little cues and hints and body language and whatever else but you forget that we might not necessarily be in detective mode every waking second of every day.

There’s a massive crossover between the behaviour of a girl who is legitimately attracted to a guy and a girl who is just being friendly. There are also girls out there who just love to flirt with guys they aren’t interested in, and that looks pretty much identical to when a girl is interested. Guess the wrong way and make a move and the guy can be mockingly rejected, guess the wrong way (or don’t even notice) and the guy runs the risk of massively offending the girl. It’s a minefield.

Interestingly, most women tend to stop playing the confusing games and being indirect as they get older, especially so if they’ve never married.

Going on a blind date with a 37 year old

I don’t have direct experience with dating a 37 year old. I have, however dated some ladies in their early 30s and even some in their mid-to-late 20s who have acted in a slightly less cartoony version of what’s shown in the animation above. The increasingly loud biological clock and other societal pressures tend to mount against women as they get older if they’re still single and childless.

When women let this pressure get to them, a lady’s standards can drop through the floor. Once desperation creeps in, things get pretty full on. To tell you the truth, ladies, it can be flat-out terrifying. As a guy, it can end up feeling like her sole interest in you is for your baby batter and as soon as she’s certain you’re not firing blanks, her focus turns to limiting your opportunities for escape. I’m reminded of episode #12…

and episode #13

What the hell is my point?

We don’t know what you want. We know we want you to have it (unless it means you’re just trying to lock us into a quickfix marriage to beat your biological clock) and we know we don’t want to upset you if we can avoid it, so maybe it’s worth noting that WE CAN’T READ YOUR MINDS. 99% of the problems I’ve run into with girlfriends and potential girlfriends has come down to one simple thing, a lack of clear communication from the woman involved and it drives me round the bend. Why the hell did we put all this time and effort into creating all these different languages with all these beautiful words if you’re still going to try and communicate with your eyelashes and various other silent and generally invisible ‘hints’?

If you ladies are gonna make fun of guys for acting like cave men and being big dumb animals, don’t go getting all shitty at us when we do a piss-poor job of playing super-duper girl move detectives. WE DON’T KNOW THAT LANGUAGE AND THE MOVES MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS DEPENDING ON WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO. So please, stop it.

Crazy bitch tip: if any of the women in these videos remind you of your self, it’s time to do some self reflection and consider if that behaviour is actually helping you towards getting what you want.

Video

Episode #19 – Leverage

1 Jul

Letter to the editor #2

2 Jun

We’ve received our second letter to the editor and I have gotta tell you, it’s a doozie! Read on…

Hey How Not To Be A Crazy Bitch,

My mother-in-law is showing signs of serious crazy bitch behaviour.

So my 10-year-old daughter, Jane*, recently got her period for the first time. After a few screams and tears, my wife and I easily calmed Jane down by explaining that this was just another aspect of puberty.

But soon after is when the absurd conduct began: enter one intervening, traditional and adamant mother-in-law (think Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond).

For those unfamiliar with Marie's work.

For those unfamiliar with Marie’s work.

Behind my wife and I’s back, Marie* had fished from the garbage Jane’s first used pad and took it home with her to place in a snap lock bag. My wife discovered the artifact in one of Marie’s jewellery boxes and we soon both began asking questions.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that Marie believes that a girl’s first ‘bleed’ is something that is very sacred and should be retained for her future husband. According to her, if little Jane gives it to her first boyfriend, they will both be forever in love and live a prosperous life. Marie was planning on giving this back to Jane when she enters the dating scene to pass onto her boyfriend for good luck. Never in my life have I heard of such nonsense.

I’ve seen your posts on period-related topics; you seem to be on the same wavelength as me. Any advice in confronting Marie about not forging her unreasonable traditions on our family? I don’t want to cause her any sadness, but I also don’t want to jeopardise my daughter’s future.

Cheers,
Fed Up Son-In-Law

*Names have been changed

Firstly, thank you for the letter Fed Up Son-In Law.

Secondly, um… what the fuck am I meant to say to that? My immediate reaction is “That’s absolutely mental!” but I guess that’s hardly helpful in a situation like this. One key feature of this situation is that you’re dealing with a cultural practice and, as you’re clearly aware, people can be very tied to their cultural heritage and can get extremely upset if you don’t take these practices seriously.

I was pretty taken aback by this specific tradition but it’s a tradition none-the-less and yours and my shared belief that it’s an archaic and disturbing protocol isn’t going to add much additional space between the rock on your left and the hard-place on your right.

Here’s the best solution I can come up with to keep the peace between you and your Cookoo McGoos Mother-in-law:

Throw the original pad in the bin. Do that before anything else. No matter what happens, that thing has to go. Alrighty, now that your daughters blood soaked pad is out of the picture, we can get on to to placating your monster-in-law.

As a just-in-case, grab a clean pad, wipe a bit of tomato sauce on it and crinkle the thing up a bit to make it look used. Smash this period catchment imposter device into a sandwich bag and tell your mother-in-law that you want her to take care of it. Ask her if she’ll keep it in her freezer or something so you never ever have to see it again.

Then you take your family on a short vacation. A weekend road trip will do. When you get back from the road trip, you tell your mother-in-law that something wonderful happened… your daughter met a boy! She’s got her first ever boyfriend! Hooray and whatnot.

Now you tell your mother-in-law that your daughter is going to have a pen-pal relationship with this imaginary lad and she’s so taken with this idea that the bloody-pad will lead to a long and loving relationship, that she wants your mother-in-law to send the item that she honestly believes contains her granddaughter’s first blood (which sounds like a title for a terrible action movie to me) to the boy on her behalf.

Then you provide your mother-in-law the address of someone you strongly dislike and BAM, you’ve hit two birds with one fake period blood carrying, comfortable stone. Just make sure there’s no return sender address on that envelope and you’re scot-free!

Thanks again for the letter. Please don’t take on my suggestions. Maybe just tell your wife that it’s her job to stop her mother ruining your daughter’s life.

If anyone has a better suggestion, please post it in the comments!

 

Mirrors. Use them.

6 May

I’ve mentioned before that I know absolutely bugger all about fashion but that even I can spot a big ugly mess when I see it. You’d think the very fancy ms Donatella Versace would be well beyond me in this regard. I have photographic evidence to the contrary.

Ms Versace is kind of a big deal in the fashion world. She must be if I know her last name. I actually thought Versace was a dude but I guess that was her brother or something. Whatever, the name Versace means high-end fashion to me, so I expect to see the person behind the name is roaming around looking somewhat elegant and classy, like she did in 1996…

Ms Versace

Ms Versace

Granted, I’m not saying she looks stunning but she’s alright here. So what the hell happened to turn her from this dignified woman into whatever the hell this is?…

 

Donatella Versace nowadays.

Look, it’s Mick Jagger wearing a blonde wig!

“Ahhhhhh! What the hell is that!??”, I hear you squeal as you recoil from the collection of little glowing lights responsible for transmitting this unearthly image to you. Well, it used to be a human being that the upper crust of the fashion world revered. As for what it is now? All I know is it’s only 59 years old and I’m getting a mega strong Crazy Bitch vibe from it. I’m also slightly concerned that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards have finally melded into a single organism which is attempting avoid detection by donning some sort of yellow threaded head adornment.

Terrifyingly, it’s not just a one off bad photo, either.

He's thinking "Don't eat me!"

He’s thinking “Don’t eat me!”

Run, children. Save yourselves!

Run, children. Save yourselves!

Aaaaah!!

Aaaaah!!

I guess I’m sounding kinda bitchy myself here but tell me honestly, if you looked into the mirror and that thing was staring back at you, would you maybe think you’ve lost your way a little? Apparently not if you’re Donatella Versace, nope, she’s all like, “Yeah, I look good and not at all like the concoction of a child’s worst fears.” and off she goes to some fancy pants fashion thing where the snacks that aren’t being eaten cost more to manufacture than my car.

DV here is only 59. This is not how you retain your youth. Do not inflate your lips, dye your hair and throw on enough make-up to shift the gravitational balance of the Earth. Consider aging gracefully, y’know? Hell, you don’t even have to be graceful about it, just don’t turn your face into an eye-sore.

In my opinion here’s a much better example to follow…

Betty White Rocks!

Betty White Rocks!

Crazy bitch tip: You get one face. Take care of it.

 

Vajazzling

21 Apr

I admit it. I have been in love with a woman my entire life and I’ve only just discovered that she is displaying symptoms of Crazy Bitch Syndrome. This distresses me to no end. I remember the first time I saw her, how she looked so innocent, so beautiful, so untainted and it’s all going to waste. She’s been bitten by the crazy bug and I fear there’s no coming back.

What a damned shame!

Jennifer Love Hewitt I remember watching her laugh and play. I remember watching her talk to ghosts. I remember watching her scam men out of money and fight with her mother. I especially remember watching her run screaming from a hook wielding maniac fisherman. But those fond memories are over for me now that I’ve discovered what I should have realised years ago.

 

 

 

 

She’s kinda nuts. I should have mentioned her name, it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. I think I’m still in love with her but, sadly, it does seem she’s somewhat insane.

article-0-0EDE751800000578-893_468x537 The reason I suspect she’s become a crazy bitch is, she’s one the most attractive woman on the planet, and yet she doesn’t think that’s enough to attract a man. And thus, Jennifer Love Hewitt of all people, was the trigger for a trend known as Vajazzling.


What the fuck is vajazzling, you ask? I just… don’t know how to word it. Hopefully this helps:

The fun part of being a girl is that there are little beauty things you can do to make yourself feel special. I can walk around all day and think, Nobody has any idea that I have a sparkly secret in my pants right now.
– Jennifer Love Hewitt

 

Has the whole world gone insane? How does this stunning woman…

url

become convinced that she needs something extra to get men to want to go near her vagina? And because Jen here is into it, there’s a whole swarm of other women throwing hard earned money at the task of putting sparkles right in the way of fun sexy times! You know what I do not want between me and the woman I want to get down to some fun bedroom antics with with? Tiny expensive rocks!!

I know, I know, women don’t do this for men, they do it to make themselves feel special. The thing is, there are things that make you feel special, that make us think you’re crazy. I’m sorry. It’s inconvenient but it’s true.

Whatever. Maybe I’m just acting out because of the heartbreak. I guess there were plenty of signs along the way and y’know, ‘Love’ and I lost touch about the time I stopped watching movies that target teenagers. But still, it’s just such a shame. She was one of the good ones.

Crazy bitch tip: If the entire planet tells you you’re gorgeous, listen to them and don’t worry about adding or changing anything.

Update

Further evidence indicating my former love’s drift toward the realm of Crazy Bitchtopia has been discovered.

That’s one hell of a story there about holding up the board with declarations of love on it. Yowch.

I also discovered that my dearest Jen was involved with this guy…

Does she not have a mirror? Did nobody mention to her that she was named the sexiest woman on TV in 2008? Nothing against this dude, I mean, talking about punching above your weight! but surely nobody really saw this pairing as ‘correct’.

Ah, whatever. Apparently I cannot escape this stupid, illogical, nonsensical world we live in, so I guess I should shut up and let you all get back to vajazzling your brains out, ya crazy bitches.

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